How do you convince your partner that fighting in front of your children negatively affects them?
It has been my experience one spouse can not convince the other. It takes an outside influence. It has to be someone trusted by the one who starts the yelling. If you yell to make them visit this person you will lose what you are trying to gain.
Every child we have had here who came from an abusive relationship is damaged in some way by the yelling then hitting they see happening to their mother or father. Most spend time in therapy starting at around age 8.
It takes the younger ones a long time to come out of the shell they curl up in. If they are under four chances are a change in life style at this time will help this from being a problem later in life. Even at 3 and 4 though there are certain traumatic experiences which might not be forgotten.
Everyone here learns a lot from the people who come in to help the parents and children we have taken in. There is generally someone one in three hours each week. Each is working with the child and the parent.
I will definitely keep your advice in mind. Thank you.
I do agree with IBURLmaster in that children should be taught by example how to handle situations which can happen in marriages. This should be taught starting around ten and not during heated yelling discussions. Those should still be kept private.
You actually debate about this?! Did your partner ever see his parents fighting? It sounds like fighting was common in his house. It's very emotional for a child to witness. Their parents, the rock and soul of their being, are arguing. It brings doubt to the child's mind and causes them to understand the world isn't as trustworthy as they thought. I remember watching my parents fight in the kitchen and thinking my world would end. Since that night, they never faught too much in front of me again. Over the years I figured out they care about each other too much to leave, but at a young age a child's brain normally doesn't process that. However, when I mean fighting, I speak of yelling, red faces, almost on the verge of hitting each other. Little fights are actually important for a child to witness. For example, my husband's parents never faught in front of him. Then when he was older and out of the house, they got a divorce. He never saw it coming and it ruined his perspective of marriage, relationships, etc. Because he never saw his parents arguing, he doesn't know what to do when we argue. His coping style is almost non-existant.
When a child observes their parents having a little discussion, they learn how to deal with other people. But if the fight they see is too heated, they will possibly blame it on themselves, and lose trust in their world.
Thank you for you insight, I think it might help me out. Yes unfortunately this is an ongoing debate in my house.
I don't think it does. Making it look like everything is roses makes the child not see things as they really are. It makes them think that everything is roses and will see through rose colored glasses when they become adults. It prevents them from having or learning coping skills when they themselves might fight with a partner later in their lives. This causes divorce to go higher because the adults were not taught those coping skills when growing up.
If you want to convince your partner that fighting in front of your children affects them negatively then you have tell them. You need to let them know exactly how you feel about it. Take time to sit and openly discuss how you feel about it. If you believe that it is not good to fight in front of your kids, then leave the room when a fight is about to happen. It was mentioned that it is better to have someone outside the situation tell them. This could also help a lot.
If this is something that scares you to do, to talk to them I mean, you must realize that your children come first. In that sense you must be willing to step up and put foot down in this matter. Change does not just happen, change is made.
So, in short, sit down and talk to them, if they don't listen, get an outside source to tell them, and finally if all else fails .....foot down. Understand. Get um tiger.
I think that when it get's to the point that one party is absolutely unwilling to change their behavior then outside help probably would be beneficial. Also I think it makes a difference if we're referring to minor conflicts or abusive behavior.
When my ex I were together, we fought horribly. He was very abusive. My oldest children saw this and were traumatized. When I became pregnant, it was after I asked for a divorce. My ex and I had tried to work things out "one more time" and that's when I became pregnant with my third child. My last child is very well adjusted (because she never lived with her father) but my older two are more fearful in nature at any kind of conflict and do not even like scary movies, even though they are teens and their friends go... they won't go. My teen son never wrestles with his friends, even though that seems like normal boy behavior. He hates it. Now, my ex and I are friends. We still disagree but since he underwent almost 2 years of therapy, he learned how wrong he was. He never fought like that with me again. We get along well and the children see us disagree but when we do, it's respectfully and without the yelling or cursing. He does not call me names. We talk it out. Because of his verbal abuse, he lost all custody of his kids. It was a hard lesson for him but my son was honest and was willing to tell the judge what a hell he had lived through because of his father. My ex was remorseful and has tried to make it up to the kids but the fact is they are scarred.
So, imo, if it's infrequent, get professional help to work this out. But, if it's serious and abusive, just get out of the marriage and into a safe environment with your kids... even if that means a women's shelter. Studies show that physical abusers started as emotional/verbal abusers...
I think that your situation most resembles the one that I had in mind when I asked the question. I really appreciate you sharing it. Thank you.
I think the best way to convince them is to show them! How? Children are truly like sponges and will absorb a lot of the world around them, and will let loose of what they have absorbed at anytime. Whether your children have witnessed positive or negative behavior they are going to act out these scenarios during play time. Have your partner observe your children play with each other or other play dates. Even if your partner just listens to the children they may hear language that was used or constantly used during fights. I'm sure the most recent fights will be played out during their interactions. I know that I've personally witnessed kids do all kinds of things during play that they've observed in their homes. Try communicating with your partner about how would you like to handle tense situations between you when the children are around. Fighting doesn't resolve anything it just makes the situation more tense for everyone involved.
First off, I would like to say that I am sorry to read that you are experiencing relationship complications if it be the case; if not, my apologies. This question has potential to be some what difficult in answering, depending on the type of listener your partner is and the TYPE of person they are. And also it could be the environment they themselves were raised in and how they were treated, and (none of my business) what category of "fighting" you and your partner are doing.
Case in example: I was between the age of 9-11 years old when my parents divorced; they argued ALL the time. There was no hitting involved (at lease none that I am aware of) and drugs and alcohol were not involved either. Both my parents came from homes that had alcohol and verbal/physical abuse but fortunately by the grace of God I did not have to go through that. Also I was raised in a religious home (not blaming religion because I myself am religious and go to church and am seeking to know and love Jesus) and I was rebellious and always into trouble. My dad and I weren't really close and he had a temper on him. So now I am married and had views on things from how I grew up and long story short these views and other issues caused a separation for some months and all is well.
Truth of it all is that children have very impressionable minds; yelling, fighting, cursing, threats, drugs, alcohol, ANYTHING in these alleys affect children. Even TV and video games mess them up DEPENDING on WHAT they watch/play and/or for what time to whenever. Some places have the law set up to where those involved in any violent activity of any kind towards or even NEAR a child will charge child-abuse; they say to go outside or seek counseling. Because WHATEVER the child sees, hears, or experiences whether good or bad effects them depending on what it was they saw, heard, or experienced. Another factor is if either parents have histories of mental disorder/illness in their family, it can and has been genetically inherited....and if the kid is born with those genes, plus a stressful environment of any kind, then it more than like will get worse. What the kid sees and hears from the parents he/she will more than likely adopt those same examples. This is one of the big reasons why kids grow up today and become the useless, criminal minded individuals in society and living in our neighborhoods at this moment. OK, maybe went a little bit overboard but YOUR kids ARE the leaders of tomorrow.....
As a child I got to see both sides. A happy house and an unhappy house. I think that it was much more beneficial to me as an adult to be in a more pleasant atmosphere as a child. Thank you for your great answer.
by KevinC9998 11 years ago
Do you think it is appropriate to have children on leashes?
by Audrey Selig 13 years ago
How do you keep your cool when your partner starts yelling at you during what was a calm discussion?It can soon become a personal attack due to an anger problem.
by Grace Marguerite Williams 11 years ago
What are the 10 things parents ROUTINELY do to destroy a child's self-confidence?
by Hypersapien 10 years ago
How should parents deal with lazy, unemployed, still-live-with-Mom-and-Dad adult children?It's one thing if your child loses his job and has to move back home, but how do you deal with one that won't even look for work, thinks you should still provide for all their needs (clean their room, wash...
by dailytop10 10 years ago
Who should be blamed for a kid's troublesome attitude?Is it his family? The community? Or the school he attends to?
by Debbie Pinkston 11 years ago
Why do some men think it is acceptable to abuse a woman or a child?
Copyright © 2024 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. HubPages® is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website.
Copyright © 2024 Maven Media Brands, LLC and respective owners.
As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.
For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy
Show DetailsNecessary | |
---|---|
HubPages Device ID | This is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons. |
Login | This is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service. |
Google Recaptcha | This is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy) |
Akismet | This is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Google Analytics | This is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Traffic Pixel | This is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized. |
Amazon Web Services | This is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy) |
Cloudflare | This is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Hosted Libraries | Javascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy) |
Features | |
---|---|
Google Custom Search | This is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Maps | Some articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Charts | This is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy) |
Google AdSense Host API | This service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Google YouTube | Some articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Vimeo | Some articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Paypal | This is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Login | You can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Maven | This supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy) |
Marketing | |
---|---|
Google AdSense | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Google DoubleClick | Google provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Index Exchange | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Sovrn | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Ads | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Unified Ad Marketplace | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
AppNexus | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Openx | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Rubicon Project | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
TripleLift | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Say Media | We partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy) |
Remarketing Pixels | We may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites. |
Conversion Tracking Pixels | We may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service. |
Statistics | |
---|---|
Author Google Analytics | This is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy) |
Comscore | ComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Tracking Pixel | Some articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy) |
Clicksco | This is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy) |