My bf wants space before getting closer to discuss future: is this healthy or should I worry?
My bf + I together 9 mos. We're both 36. I love him, see a future, get along great, enjoy doing similar things. He says he's never met anyone he can truly feel like himself. We have awesome attraction/chemistry, sex is great! If he doesnt already have plans with his daughter (shared custody with ex), he's w/ me. Lately talking about our future led to talk about $, then his $ worries from ex. She was bad with $, I'm a saver. He loves that, but he's worried still. Honesty is big for us, but he's worried. I've not b married. He wants space now. Huh? How do I deal and still feel close? Its Xmas.
I would just give him time and be patient. You have only been together for 9 months. It's a little early to be making plans for the future, and most guys are not in a hurry to get married again after experiencing bad break ups an marriage. He needs time to heal, and be his own person. I would concentrate more on being good friends at the moment. It takes a good year before someone is ready to enter another long term relationship permanently. I would just keep it light, and enjoy the moment, rather than expecting more than he can give at the moment.
Thanks for the comment HattieMattieMae. I wanted to add more detail to the story. I've had no reason to disbelieve him, but his behavior on $ is new to me. We are past the "just dating" phase, I've met his 5yo daughter and most of his family, and he's told me he considers me his best friend. But since our talk on $ (I have debt related to grad school), he's stung on what that would mean for our future. Neither one of us is ready to move in together, so this topic is just odd to me. He knows the $ issue is his own, related to ex-wife. I'm completely self-sufficient in the $ dept, so I'm not sure how to convince him otherwise. Even still, It's Xmas and we have plans to do gifts, he's making me a nice dinner and we're watching our fave holiday flick. So it "seems" like he's still acting like a BF. But, he put holds on planning a trip in January, Feb. Should I worry that he hasnt called me "Love" or any of the other terms of endearment we used to say so easily? I'm trying to give him space by not bringing it up. But it still hurts... At this point, I have no idea if we are spending New Year's Eve together. Ah, this time of year can be so emotional...
Well, you should give him time. I know the feeling of giving space makes us feel a bit ignored. But getting ignored right now would be better then taking wrong decisions. Don't tie yourself to this relation unless it has something to bring for you. Gather yourself well to tackle any situation. As of now, you should just leave things on time and enjoy holidays. This is the most relaxing time of the year and you should think of self too. Make some good Christmas plans thinking "Everything is gonna be all good" and have fun.
Good Luck and Merry Christmas!
If it wasn't for Christmas I'd say give him the space he's asking for. But since it's Christmas, and you're wanting to - and entitled to - make plans with your boyfriend for New Years too, it's not a good sign that he's asking for space. Over the holiday season is when couples spend time together, not apart. I'd personally be very offended if my boyfriend asked me for some 'space' over the christmas holiday period. In your comment you're also saying he's stopped saying affectionate terms of endearment, and even though you've noticed, you've decided not to address it with him. This could lead to a snow ball of communication breakdowns. Try to address each issue as it arrises, holding back your thoughts and feelings will not help him to be what you need him to be. Goodluck!
I think you need to be honest with him. You have an investment here too. Assure him that the nature of your questions are not intended to talk him out of having some space, but he has also communicated to you through his previous actions that you have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than he is now responding to. He has gone to a certain level with you, and in my opinion you have every right to ask questions and get answers. If you let him slide you will set a precedent for future problems and he will get the idea he can do this to you for what-ever reason may pop-up in the future. If he loves you, he will listen and respond according to your needs in the relationship otherwise you only have a one-sided relationship on HIS terms and that is not a very good place to be. If he's the one - it will work out. I do wish you success in your relationship and dreams. Be well. - Harlan
This is totally natural. You guys have only been together for a short while. He pry genuinely cares about you, but maybe it is a bit early to try to tie down some serious long term plans. And maybe he is thinking also of his little one. Doesnt want to throw her into a whirlwind of emotion, nor feels that the stresses of an added responsibility for you is such a good thing. You guys will be fine, so dont stress just yet. You should also ask yourself if this relationship is making you a stronger person, and try not to compare yourself with an "ex". that my friend will drive you bloody crazy. Just trying to help, good luck.
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