Secret friendships: Are they the "gateway" towards cheating?
Oftentimes before someone cheats they justify their initial steps of having a "secret friend" by telling themselves: "Just because I'm married or in a relationship does not mean I can't have friends!" Soon afterwards they either indulge in what they label a platonic "secret friendship" or they hide the frequency of times they are in contact with this person from their mate. As time goes on they share their deepest thoughts, desires, and fears with this person eventually building an emotional connection. Is having a "secret friend" a "red flag" for yourself? The gateway towards cheating?
It's sort of funny you should ask this question. When I was married to my first husband, there were times when I was deeply lonely inside my marriage though I still loved my husband. I found a "secret friend", who became my very best buddy in the world. He was married to one of my friends, whom I like a lot. The real secret that he and I shared was that he was attracted to my husband, though he would never act on those type of desires, being a Christian. It was a strange situation. Still, it helped me immensely to have this friendship. I don't think either of us would have cheated on our spouses, even if he was attracted to me instead of my husband. We wouldn't want to see our loved ones hurt.
I have never thought of "secret" friends...
But the keyword is, undoubtedly, "secret". A "secret" means that there is a good reason to keep someone or something entirely to oneself, which includes lying. Lying is lack, if not total absence of trust; therefore, lack of respect.
To me, love is not enough for keeping a healthy relationship.
Respect and trust is.
I think that it is easier to forgive or/and understand cheating or having an affair (depending on the context) than to forgive lying. Unfortunately, cheating and lying happen simultaneously and for the one who is being lied to it is hard to say what hurts more.
Coming back to cheating. I cannot really think of any other reason for "secrets" than cheating but since it is suggested it seems like the most obvious if not logical explanation.
If hypothetically there are reasons for any other "secret" connections, the danger is the same - the secret alone is the way of creating bondage, heightened emotions and dramatic circumstances. No wonder, "secrets" bring two people closer together and if these two people happen to be of opposite sex, sex is more likely to occur even if it was not on the agenda in the first place. (Maybe it is likely to occur if people are of the same sex, I don't know).
There are very good reasons for "secrets".
People may not be aware of them at the beginning.
If people want to cheat in the first place then "a secret" is only a technique.
I might be entirely wrong, but I am of the opinion that "the secrets" will eventually backfire on the one who lies. We make our choices, we are responsible for them and the consequences and we learn. To cheat or not to cheat? To lie or not to lie the next time?
Secret friendships are the getaway towards cheating. Sharing conversations over a cup of coffee and conversations secretly can lead to emotional attachment this happens so easily with daily contact and one thing leads to another very quickly. One can grow closer and closer to another.
I think they totally can lead to cheating, have seen families break over those kinds of "friendships".
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