What would you have done differently when you first realized spouse was in love

1. 87

   Billie Kelpinposted 10 years ago

   What would you have done differently when you first realized spouse was in love with someone else?
   
   "Everyone you know '.s been through it.You bite the bullet then you chew it." (Roy Orbison's "The Only One").Hopefully not EVERYONE, but the sentence is true enough for many. No matter how many years have passed or what the outcome, how would your initial reaction have been different when you first realized your spouse was in love with someone else?  Do you have advice for others in this situation?  Knowing what you know now, would you have done things differently? Why? Putting aside anger and hurt, what do you WISH you would have done? Need to answr anonymously? email billie@languagerocks.com
   
   

   replyreport
2. 71

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   Most of us fail our way to success when it comes to relationships. If this were not true we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts!
   Rarely does someone win the "relationship lottery" the first time they "fall in love". Some people never ever love as deeply again even though they force themselves to move on. The only reason why they're with a new person is because their ex no longer wants to be with them. In many ways it's like marrying a widower or widow. They're with us because they can't be with them.
   Having said that it does not mean they do not love their current mate or spouse. Their current partner is simply not "the love of their life". In reality they're actually in love with a "period of time" and a romanticized notion of what might have been or could have been. They fail to understand that in order for her or him to be "the one" their ex would have to see them as being "the one". If someone dumps you it's because they didn't believe you were their "soul-mate".
   Awhile back author Lori Gottlieb wrote a book titled "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough". Essentially she was encouraging (women) to let go of finding their "fairytale Prince Charming" or "the man of their dreams" and instead become more "practical" instead of watching the years roll by alone.
   The book was both praised and attacked. Not many people welcome someone telling them to "let go" of a dream. However truth be told "settling" really means we took what we consider to be the (best) available option left to us based upon the effort we were willing to exert. Nevertheless "settling" is still a (choice). If we could have done better we would have done better!
   In other words if someone marries you it is because they believed (you) were their BEST option. Awhile back I wrote a hub on this. http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ … lly-settle
   There are basically two ways to react to this assuming one's spouse is loving and loyal.
   1. You can feel sorry for yourself because you are not "the love of their life".
   2. Be grateful it didn't work out for them which allowed you to find the love of (your) life!
   There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.

   replyreport
   1. 87

      Billie Kelpinposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Dashing, a very well articulated comment with a great deal of wisdom which seems to answer another question. I'm trying to write a hub on strategies for avoiding avoidable mistakes made during a marital crisis (a concept based on a different premise)

      replyreport
   2. 71

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Billie, That is an interesting topic. I wrote a book centered on that .http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Relationship-Epiphany/dp/1468104721/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1390183799&sr=1-1&keywords=my+cat+won%27t+bark+a+relationshi

      replyreport
   3. 87

      Billie Kelpinposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      You might have forgot - I already downloaded your book

      replyreport
3. 76

   Silva Hayesposted 10 years ago

   I would set aside the anger and grief and look at the situation as a golden opportunity to get out of the relationship and move on, hopefully to better things.

   replyreport
   1. 87

      Billie Kelpinposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Silva  There is a very different approach afoot - different than the conventional and seemingly intuitive advice of "moving on".  The impact of divorce on children alone calls for a re-thinking, I believe, and strategies we haven't explored

      replyreport
4. 83

   Edward J. Palumboposted 10 years ago

   This is a thorny issue. How did the realization develop? Was it expressed or discussed? If at all possible, discuss it without anger, preferably in marriage/couples counseling, because it would be productive to have a moderator or counselor to keep the discussion on topic and act as a referee when tensions build. If your belief is correct and your spouse is in love with someone else, remember that a one-sided love is not a worthwhile relationship. If your spouse is unwilling to go to counseling with you, get legal advice and support. There's a time to step back, but buffer or protect yourself because this can get sticky. You may have to consider it a bad emotional investment up to this point, and step away a wiser human being. Know that this situation, if you've assessed it accurately, is not acceptable. Though difficult to step away, it more painful to cling to a relationship that isn't reciprocal and mutually supportive. Be strong.

   replyreport
   1. 87

      Billie Kelpinposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks so much for ur comment. Read ur profile-we've walked similar roads (minus the sky-diving...)  I'm working from a premise that sometimes responses to marital strife exaccerbate the situation. I want to write about strategies that prevent that..

      replyreport