How hard is it to start over after an abusive relationship?

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   mrsannestedtposted 10 years ago

   How hard is it to start over after an abusive relationship?
   
   I have found that we all deal with abusive relationships differently.  Some of us blame ourselves thinking we did something really terrible to deserve it.  Others just view themselves as victims and never get over it. 
   I myself have felt both views. But about two years ago I met the most amazing man and he made me realize that I had been making the wrong choices in men. He made me realize that I am a good person and deserve much better than I had given myself credit.
   
   

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2. 62

   Mariahcherryl21posted 10 years ago

   Holy moly I am actually going through the same as you, very true every type of abusive ,emotional and verbally relationship's can be dealt with differently I tend to blame myself and his anger. So I see it as if its worth it to jeopardize my time in patients too watch him grow as a man and respect me as his women  in the long run ...kinda hard to tell only time will tell.

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   1. 60

      mrsannestedtposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I used to feel that way then I realized that if it were true love he wouldn't be abusive.  True Love shouldn't hurt.

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3. 61

   itssarahjposted 10 years ago

   I think after an abusive relationship ends, you can choose how to cope. Some blame themselves, some play victim, and some will treat it as a learning experience to find something better and more rewarding. I, myself am more like the later. I was just in an abusive relationship for awhile where he made me feel awful all the time. He blame me for anything he could think of and he always made a point to argue over hypothetical conversations. When things ended, I felt like I was able to breath again. I became stronger each day. I have many close friends and I am very close to my family so that can help a lot. My friends and family assure me with consistent affirmations of who I am, what I mean to them, and many more positivity. This lead me to never "believe" the horrible things my ex would say to me or the accusations he made. For instance, he always felt insecure all the time. Whenever I would spend time with my friends or even with my family, he would accuse me of "being with another guy" or "flirting" with someone else. I knew this wasn't the case, so I would disregard his comments for my own sanity but this always created more fire.
   
   I think it depends on who you surround yourself with. This can have a large impact on the outcome of how you "start over" after an abusive relationship.
   
   After that relationship, I started finding my confidence and learned more about myself and self worth. I appreciated the people who are genuine a lot more and made it be known to them that they are incredible people. I was am not in a new relationship at the moment but I am perfectly content on where I am now and I will just go with the flow of life.

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4. 45

   DDEposted 10 years ago

   After an abusive relationship it takes a while to start over this depends on how  much of abuse you have endured over time. In some cases abusive relationships leave individuals feeling lost and vulnerable. One has to  think carefully before getting into another relationship and focus on getting back their self-esteem back and love themselves for who  they are not what others make them  to be. Moving on has many obstacle.

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5. 71

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Your statement: "I had been making the wrong choices..." essentially says it all. People who insist on playing the victim role will never be (empowered) until they acknowledge that they (chose) their mate. The beautiful thing about acknowledging this fact is knowing you have the power to learn from mistakes and make better choices for yourself in the future! I'm glad your new man helped you realize this.
   If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a better shopper!
   Life is a personal journey. You are responsible for your own happiness. You get to choose who you spend your time with. If someone is unhappy in a relationship and they choose to stay then (they) are (choosing) to be unhappy. It's not the job of the "victim" to fix the abuser or try to understand him or her!
   It's your life. Take the wheel!
   In order to break a pattern of choosing abusive partners one has to work on them self. Most people would rather attempt to change the world than to change themselves!
   You have to do the introspective thinking to figure out why you chose this person, why you ignored the red flags, why you did not leave the first time you were mistreated. Get therapy. It's not your fault that you were abused. However it is your fault if you stay!
   The beautiful thing about a door is it lets those who want in (in) and those who want out (out). No one is "stuck" with anyone. We are always where we (choose) to be. If someone is unhappy in a relationship and they choose to stay then (they) are (choosing) to be unhappy. You are responsible for loving yourself.
   There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. I talk about this a great deal in my book. My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Rel … 1468104721

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