Is he still in love with his ex-wife?
He was married for 19 years and divorced over twenty years ago and remarried do you think he still has some feelings left for her?
There is a lot of information missing here. Did he want the divorce? If the answer is (yes) then he is probably not in love with his ex-wife.
However if he was (forced) to move on because the ex wife no longer wanted to be with him then he may still feel on some level that she was "the one". Nevertheless it's been 20 years and he has found someone else to love him. Odds are he would never leave his present wife if his ex asked him to come back. Most people in their 40s and beyond realize it's easy to romanticize the past. And yet they're smart enough to know no one goes (unchanged) after 20 years.
It would not be the same so they just leave it as a partial fantasy.
I think it very much depends on the situation. My husband was married twice before me, and was with each for a number of years -- two biological kids and one step with the first wife, one kid with the second. I met him 10 years after he and his second wife mutually agreed to end the marriage, and we married a year and a half after that...overall, about 12 years since his divorce.
In the case of my own husband, yes, he DOES still have feelings for his second wife. That said, they're not the same feelings that they were while they were married. It was an amiable end to the marriage, and they've always been on friendly terms. While I'm glad they don't correspond, I also acknowledge that he still likes and admires her personality. This fact did bother me early in our relationship -- I felt like I had to compete, and constantly worried that there were still romantic feelings there. Over time, my worries have been put to rest. I've gotten to know her a bit, and their son a bit more, and of course gotten to know my husband much better. I'm convinced that the feelings that should be given to a wife are exclusively mine, but that doesn't mean that she means absolutely nothing to him now.
On the same token -- he married first wife when he was fairly young, and it quickly morphed into a nightmare with someone he really did NOT know. They divorced after he discovered her infidelity, and were on very bad terms for a long time. Now that the kids they had together are grown, he has the luxury of never even having to think about her.
So...yes, it's an individual thing. He may or may not still have feelings, and that may or may not be a bad thing for current or future relationships.
If I was your mother, I'd tell you to let it go. It doesn't matter. And the fact that you can't ask him or accept his answer says it all.
If I was your friend, I'd say, why do you care? If you want him, have him. But you deserve better...
But since I'm a complete stranger i'll just guess he probably does, as men are socialized to be emotionally retarded mutes, he may or may not be aware or able to identify how he feels. You on the other hand, are emotionally aware, and you should follow your intuition. Or perhaps the signs and red flags that motivated you to post this question?
PS. I suggest you read a book called 101 Lies Men Tell Women ( And Why Women Believe Them) by Dory Hollander. And no, i'm not her, there's absolutely no affiliation.
---I'm not cynical, i'm a realist.
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