Is it ok for my wife to have love in a bubble and care for her ex that granted she had a child with
my wife said one day talking with her friends that she had love for her ex boyfriend and I told her what was that as I walked up barley caching there conversation. then it went to still having love for him but in a bubble granted she has one kid with him but left them alone for ten years and now it went to that she wont ever stop caring for him. what am I supposed to think about this.
I'm curious why you have this listed under the sub category of "Domestic Abuse". Did she leave her ex because he was abusive?
At any rate there is nothing you can do about how she feels for another man. Your only option is to accept the fact that she still has "love" for her ex or you can file for divorce. You can't change her thoughts/feelings for him.
The thing you need to focus on is how your wife treats (you) and if you believe she is trustworthy. It's not unusual for someone to "romanticize" a failed relationship while (knowing) they are toxic together.
In fact many women during their youth go through a "bad boy" phase where they chose guys who made them (earn) their love, time, and attention. The loved the "challenge" he presented, the excitement/drama of not knowing what might happen next, and the sexual chemistry was off the charts.
After a series of broken hearts, cheating, or abuse these women wise up and decide they're going to find a "good man" who will love them and treat them "right". This however is a "practical" decision and not an "emotional" one. In other words the next guy may (look good on paper) but he does not make her heart beat faster. He's "safe" and she believes she can "learn" to love him and have a decent life together.
Not long ago there was a best selling book written which encouraged women to find such a guy.
"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough"
by Lori Gottlieb
No husband wants to be "Mr. Good Enough" but there are many who will never know that (is) who they are in their wife's eyes.
It's often said; "Nice guys finish last" which in retrospect means they're not the "first choice" but they are the "best choice".
thank you for your insight on my situation and yes she was in a abusive relationship while she was with him. but that don't matter to her
Some folks only remember "good times" of past relationships. In order for him to be "the one" her ex would have to see her as being "the one". If there's a breakup it means one person (didn't want to be) with the other! That's not a soul-mate!
Do you think someone can create a child and have a relationship with someone and then never have feelings for them again? I really doubt it. I have two children with my first husband. I will always "love" him. He's the father of two amazing parts of my life. He will forever be part of my life. With that said, he was an awful husband! I will never (and never did) love him in the way I completely love my current husband. He was simply part of my years before I gained maturity. We were not actually compatible at all and he was simply the first person who could fill in the need for companionship.
Really you need to be able to talk to your wife about this. Speaking from experience though someone can "love" their ex without having any desire in the world EVER to have anything to do with that person again!
that is understandable, but what about her wanting to be friends with him talk with him like nothing ever happened between them I understand that she has to talk to him because of there child together. we've talked but she shuts down on me
I personally wouldn't want to talk to my ex about anything other than the kids. I can't speak for her, but for me our conversation outside of the kids ended when we did.
After reading the question and your comments, I'm concerned by the love still being there after being "left alone for 10 years" and the "shutting you down" when you want to talk about it. My wife (and self for that matter) have a very good relationship beyond the kids with our ex's and their families as well so surely it can be and be harmless however the key here is that there is trust, no one is shutting the other down under any circumstances and the relationships have been through difficulties but no extended absences or abuses. I can honestly say I have no "love" love left for my ex but mutual respect and desire to maintain a healthy relationship for the kids is there. As for my wife, I can't say. I don't believe she has "love" love left for her's either but if so, "in a bubble", then I have no issue because she loves me, treats me kindly, with respect and is open with me to discuss this or any other concern I have with her, her feelings and/or our relationship. Best of luck to you and be honest with yourself about how your relationship is making you feel....that is your answer.
You have to be open minded to get this, but I would be thankful that she still has love for him and keeps it "in a bubble". This reinforces to you that when she committed to loving you forever, she is actually capable of keeping that promise. But yet, like you said, she keeps it in a bubble because she doesn't want that love for him to hurt you. I'm sure her love for him isn't the same as it was when they first met and had a child. Nor is it the same as the love she has for you. When she made that commitment to you, she was and is looking at the future with you. At the same time, her commitment to you shut the door on any future with him. I know someone in a marriage where there are ex's and children involved and their relationship with all involved is like a great story book. Marriage, especially with children involved, is complicated enough, and they all decided to accept their situation and go with it. It works! Sounds like you have a wonderful, loving woman. Don't let something like this ruin something that can make the rest of your life fulfilling and complete.
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