How do you evaluate WHY you turn people off when socializing?
It isn't always low self-esteem that causes a person to turn off others upon first meeting them. I KNOW that I do. I can't figure out why. I'm not a "small talk" person and that might be an issue. Exp: On a walk this morning I met a woman I had talked to briefly before and introduced her to another woman I was with (a casual acquaintance). They started talking about New York and somehow I could see that I had said something that turned everyone off. This happens a lot. I try not to be negative and say only positive things. I know it's SOMETHING; I just don't know what it is.
I know there are some people who just out-and-out lack social skills and are either aggressive or otherwise offensive; but I think, really, the biggest problem is that far too many people think they know "where someone is coming from" with one or another remark they make, or subject they talk about; when - really - it's a matter of assuming the worst in others, rather than the assuming the best (one kind of "best" or another).
I'm pretty good with casual acquaintances. It's when I'm with the people who think they know me and don't that I run into some real problems. (I put that "laughing thing" there, but I mean it, seriously.)
You sound as if you have a very "cute" personality, Lisa. The casual thing gets me. The people I really, really am close to, accept who I am. I have other friends with whom I have to pretend I'm always happy, etc, but I do like them and they like me.
Without knowing exactly what you said in conjunction with what they were discussing it's impossible to know if it was what you said or the tone you used that offended them. If it was sarcastic/cynical it may be seen as negative. Other times people have been known to interject something just to be a part of the conversation and not feel left out. This may cause the two other people to feel it was rude on your part to interrupt or change subject they were discussing especially if they were starting to bond.
The reality is not everyone is going to like you, share your sense of humor or even agree with your opinion on every topic.
I suppose the key is to stay on topics that you know you agree on as well as observe them. Most of us tend to walk around without using an "edit button" or we don't consider how the other person might interpret what we have to say. We say whatever off the top of our heads.
During a sales training I had long ago it was mentioned that one of the best ways to build rapport with someone was to "meet them where they are" or "mirror them". In other words if he/she talks slower, then you talk slower, if they talk fast then you talk fast. Speak their language using colloquialisms/phrases they use. Obviously you want to be subtle about it. Like attracts like and on a subconscious level the person feels you two are in sync. It's not unheard of for someone to say it feels like I've known you for years!
Maybe you're too intimidating.. Loosen up and have fun..Try to introduce light and funny topics...Or maybe the people you met are not just interested to you...Move on..Trust me..sooner or later you'll find people who will enjoy even just your presence. And if you do, be sure to keep them close because they often come once in a lifetime; people truly worthy of being called friends.
Daily, Thanks so much. At 69, it be nice if it were 'sooner rather than later' I'd find people my presence. I do like Dashing's comment about mirroring other people. Maybe that's why we find it easy to talk to people from our old home towns, etc.
Keep track of what you say. Without knowing exactly what you said it's pretty much impossible to know what is turning them off.
What help I can give you however, is to be more selective with words and try not to seem like a "try-hard"- someone who is trying so hard to make a good impression they come off as desperate for attention or friends.
Sometimes you don't have much to say in the conversation and feel left out. You should be more open minded and get into simple conversations which will lead to a better social life.
Certain topics are off-limits when you are socializing with people, most especially, with people you are meeting for the very first time.
Topics like religion, sex and sexual preference, educational background, marital status, financial status, and sometimes even jobs, are better left out until you get to know each other more.
Basic conversation starters should be all about the current situation or events like weather condition, current affairs, etc.
It will also be helpful if first time conversations include the exchange of compliments after all people like to be complimented.
It is also good to note that to avoid turning people off in conversations, it will be good if you allow them to talk about themselves because most people like to talk about themselves. In other words, if you can give this person the respect of listening to him or her or them rather than 'boring' them with your own speech about wonderful self.
Emmyboy, great points! After moving to an RV in Orange County, CA frm Mpl and previously Milw, I find the cultural norms different. In Milw., at checkout, you can tell your life story to the clerk...here, not so much. It's all about adaptation
Hey Billie try this technique for a few weeks, & it should make a big difference....When ever you get served by someone in a shop/bar/cafe/petrol station etc, always smile at them, & say "hi how are you today"....Always look them in their eyes when talking & smile at them, & always say "have a nice day" etc before you go....It's hard at first as people won't expect a stranger to just start chatting to them, but most people will be pleased that you bothered asking them in the first place....You say your not a "small talk" person, so maybe you just need some practice....Don't go over the top with it, & just have a quick chat with them....For instance when shopping & at a check out, say the following: "hi how are you today, have you been busy" etc....Then you could say something like: "well your not missing anything, as it's raining like mad outside" etc....It is tricky at first & you will feel a bit uncomfortable doing it, but as you practice you will get loads better at it....Before you know it your'l be chatting often, & they will remember you, & be glad when they see you....So if you see someone you know in the street just ask them how their doing, & what have "they" been doing lately....Let them do all the talking, but make sure you listen to what their saying....Never judge & never criticise anyone, & always smile when you see someone you know....I mean if i see a mate, & i haven't got anything interesting to say, i just ask them how their doing, & what have they been up to lately....Sounds strange i know, but it's good practice.
Good practical suggestions, Dave. I have a hard time to not do all the talking. When you're raised as an only child, if YOU don't talk and keep it going, there's silence. I think I always took talking as a responsibility. It's actually a burden!
One has to be polite and sensitive to others' feelings while talking and the key to letting people respect you is when others are talking, do the listening and ask intelligent questions when necessary.
We are like all other animals w/spirits that run the body, emotional beings as we are it’s like 3 cats are gathering & out from nowhere comes a 4th…..*awkward☺ they know each other & are comfortable w/each other, it’s in the loop of their comfort zone. Meow mew comes in the mix & they haven’t smelt ur butt yet fur approval. Do you eat meat? Or are mew a vegetarian? We only except meat eaters carte du jour members…it’s rly nuttin personal or even what you said per see…it’s you really, ease in the conversation slowly, permit others to ‘feel you out’ maybe they think your going to be one of those OMG another who thinks she’s (fill in da blanks) they are leery of newcomers is all, you do it too at times? One rule of thumb honz is don’t compare your insides w/everyone’s outsides, in that I mean, it is you who did their thinking for them when in fact that’s not a reality, you judged them really by thinking you know what they were thinking about of you & your presence i.e. k? I if in the mood cuz I am shy about openly talking about me & my business w/strangers etc…if my mood permits then I engage in the discussions, or one person who’s alone & I open up on them, some feel open about it & others look at me like I’m nuts & how dare I as a stranger who’s crazy maybe… also invite myself to others see? I also feel like I’m pinned up to a wall & have a insecurity attack & will excuse myself nicely and leave the premises lol…I’d say that that’s how them women felt, emotional afraid to let others in its on the spot & moment personal choice & feeling. I hope I clarified it for u…open the window & shed some light in on thisƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
Very insightful. As it has turned out, one of the women, before she left our park, bought us a brand new George Foreman electric grill because I admired hers! Unbelieveable. "Don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides !" Well, put!
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