Should I be suspicious. After the following conversation I was told to f@@kk off

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  1. Penny G profile image60
    Penny Gposted 8 years ago

    Should I be suspicious. After the following conversation I was told to f@@kk off and screamed at

    OK, So recently my husband comes home and says their is a new woman at work, now  this is a factory, loud, hard to talk and you wear ear plugs. So he out of the blue tells me his supervisor tells him, he better be careful , she's looking for a sugar Daddy, she is a temp. So then he tells me she's been crying at work, so he asks her what is wrong. She the tells him she was raped 8 years ago. He then asks her is she is taking medication, and seeing a counselor? I asked when they have these conversations and it bothered me that they were having such personal talks as this can get out of hand.

  2. Billie Kelpin profile image85
    Billie Kelpinposted 8 years ago

    Penny, I have a gazillion things to say and don't have time at the moment. I'll follow up soon, however I have enough time for this:  It's imperative that you now start to realign your thinking in regard to your husband. Don't give this woman any power whatsoever.  That means you become the most loving adoring wife on the planet (not fawning, mind you, but tune in to what your husband emotionally needs).  The "other woman" in my life told my husband her marriage was falling apart. He, I think, was flattered. She listened to my husband's emotional needs at a deep level, I think. She worried about HIM.  Meanwhile I was threatened. 
    In your head know that you are the best thing that could ever happen to your husband. This woman needs no sympathy and if she does she needs to get it elsewhere. She needs to be nothing in your head.
    I hate to be so anti-feminist, but making favorite meals, etc. wouldn't hurt right now.  Slowly bring out some pictures of your history together with your husband - of course subtly.  (Maybe you decide to get some new frames for some of your sweetest pictures). 
    Tell him how proud you are of him for things he's accomplished - how happy you've been with your life together (all, again, subtly)
    A little touch on his back when you're at the grocery store - Smile a lot. Touch his arm when you're talking.
    Tons more to say, but I'll leave you with this:  Don't over-react; instead focus on the husband you love; plan something fun to do together this weekend - something new. I think I'll write a hub about this - maybe tonight if I can.

    1. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much, I too have alot more to say but little time. Will be waiitng for you hub!

  3. dashingscorpio profile image83
    dashingscorpioposted 8 years ago

    I think I'd be more worried if all of this were going on without your knowledge. You however failed to mention in the conversation what led to you being told to "f@@kk off".
    Sometimes it's the tone one uses when asking questions especially if your mate is openly communicating about something they really didn't have to share with you only to be treated as though (they) are doing something wrong or they're untrustworthy they may feel insulted. Your questions may have came off like an interrogation.
    There are two possible scenarios.
    1. He genuinely feels sorry for her.
    2. He's setting you up to openly accept a "platonic friendship" that could lead to something else down the road.
    Next thing you know he'll be calling you and saying; "Honey, I'm going to be running late after work (because) I have to take such and such to her doctor or whatever, or her car wouldn't start...etc" Since you're aware of the "friendship" because he's been so "open" about it you simply say; "Okay, I'll see you when you get here..."
    So it comes down to whether or not you trust your husband. Naturally asking him more questions in the (wrong tone) could lead to him shutting down and never mentioning her to you again. This would leave you completely in the dark.
    "Secret friendships are the gateway to cheating."
    Don't discourage him from sharing what's going on with her.
    One option is for you to be his sympathetic and understanding partner. If she continues to work there at some point suggest you all get together for a casual outing. This would give you a chance to check her out and see how she interacts with your husband and vice versa. This would be under the guise of befriending her as a (couple).
    "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" - The Godfather

    1. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      What led to the f@@k remark was that he tried to distract from the conversation at hand and I said thats not what we are talking about, and I used the I feel uncomfortable with these conversations. I was careful to not accuse. He got mad immediately

    2. dashingscorpio profile image83
      dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      It's odd he would bother to share this information with you at all. One would think they know their spouse well enough to imagine how she/he would react. It really comes down to whether or not you trust him. If you observe major changes in him etc

  4. peachpurple profile image82
    peachpurpleposted 8 years ago

    you are lucky that your hubby is open up to you, letting you know what happened in his factory rather than keeping it as a secret. Just keep yourself update of the situation and talk to him rather than quarreling.

    1. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I tried to but he instantly blew up, and was disrespectful shutting me down.

  5. Sparklea profile image59
    Sparkleaposted 8 years ago

    Penny, in my personal opinion, NO MAN, nor NO WOMAN should EVER say to his/her spouse to!  EVER!
    I believe he owes you a big apology for that. 
    On the other hand, him sharing what happened with you is commendable.
    I do not know what I would do in a situation like this.
    I guess the only thing I could even begin to suggest, if it were me, to closely watch your husbands countenance when he talks about this person...whom I consider to be an intruder...she has no right to be telling her personal problems to a co-worker especially a male.
    Does your husband sound annoyed that she is divulging these personal things to her?  does his face light up when he talks about her/  The fact that he blew up is, to me a red flag.  But that is just me.
    Penny, this is really none of my business, but a woman boo hooing at work, I say, he should leave her alone.  Rape is awful but she has NO RIGHT to bring this to work.  She needs to see a counselor and deal with her personal life on the outside. He has already been warned by his supervisor about her.  If it were me in your position I would be LIVID.  And I would say to your husband, 'as long as you live, don't you EVER talk to me like that again...EVER!"  I played the vulnerable victim and was a marshmallow in my first marriage.  He ended up leaving me for his secretary.  We, as women, need to STAND.  A man and woman who are husband and wife should not only love each other, they should CHERISH each other.  I hope I did not offend you, but I have had so many people be mean to me during my lifetime, I am just not going to tolerate it any more.  I have a wonderful husband ...we have been married 40 years, he has never talked to me that way nor I to him.  If we have a disagreement, we settle it immediately.  That is the definition of CHERISH...NOT!

    1. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much. I agree with you 100% . The f@@k came when I would not give in and say it was ok, and agrre it was nothing He is not annoyed but felt he should talk to her.Blowing up was my red flag too as I approached the subject very casually

    2. Sparklea profile image59
      Sparkleaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, Penny THANK YOU SO MUCH!  God bless, and remember, it is NOT OK!!!  I hope all goes well God Bless....

    3. Billie Kelpin profile image85
      Billie Kelpinposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I totally agree w/ Sparklea re: the fact that the woman has no right to bring this to work/needs a counselor- She shld be referred to an EAP if they have one. Repeating outloud that this woman needs counseling is imp. (I hadn't read th "f" part :{  )

  6. profile image0
    temptor94posted 8 years ago

    Penny, I agree 100% with Sparklea, telling one's wife to f*** off is just not cool. You said that your husband did not sound annoyed that the lady was approaching him, so is he telling you this so that you can give your approval that the whole thing is okay? And then gets angry because you didn't give him the answer you expected?
    I know it is none of my business but I have seen such people in the workplace who try to get close by drawing sympathy and revealing extremely personal information about themselves. If your husband's supervisor already warned him, he should have just stayed away. Instead, he is getting drawn into her mess and not attempting to avoid her.
    Getting angry when you asked about them talking such personal things is a red flag indeed, I am sorry but it definitely is. But poking him further may start fight, if he gets more defensive about it. I just hope your husband realizes that nothing good can come from associating with such people.
    Dashingscorpio's idea of checking her out on a casual outing is also very good. You can judge her that way.

    1. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      He acts like he hardly knows her?????? Well I then said but you have these very personal conversations at work on a factory line. Really? Because he did not have logical answer went off on me to get me to not ask anymore? He is blaming it on her.

    2. profile image0
      temptor94posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      The women is no saint, that is for sure, unfortunately some men turn a blind eye till the whole thing blows up in their face. It's better to be cautious though when discussing it with your hubby, till he's ready to drop his defence shield.

  7. fpherj48 profile image60
    fpherj48posted 8 years ago

    Penny.......I can't even imagine a husband speaking in this angry, crude manner....especially under the circumstances of the topic.  Sorry to suggest this, but your husband treats you quite disrespectfully.....(and just a little professional advice...."people treat us how we ALLOW them to")
    The only other thing I'm going to say about this scenario is.....If it's true that the supervisor believes she's "looking for a Sugar Daddy"......she's not very bright, now is she?   The precise definition of a "Sugar Daddy" is an older man with a Boatload of MONEY.   If this is her goal, she may want to aim higher than a factory maybe the OWNER of the factory.
    No woman deserves to be spoken to the way your husband spoke to you.   Sounds almost as if he was purposely intending to upset you or make you jealous?  VERY immature.   The next time he feels the need to share his work antics with you......tell him clearly and plainly you are not interested.     
    BTW......he'd last about 30 seconds in a conversation with me.  I'd have walked out the door and told him I'll see what I can do about his suggestion!!!

    1. Sparklea profile image59
      Sparkleaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      EXCELLENT PAULA, I could not have said it better myself.  Sparklea

    2. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I so agree. This marriage is over, he doesnt see it. My grown children so want me to be happy and think I deserve more and I do. Retirement is 2 years 2 months away and away I will go, our retirement plans together will not work with such a man

    3. fpherj48 profile image60
      fpherj48posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      It's a shame that your mate has made poor choices. ? "crying" visibly at work over a rape that occurred 8 yrs. ago? Not only have U been treated disrespectfully, seems like he also thinks you're STUPID. He's practically begging out of your marriage.

  8. profile image49
    Tori K Smithposted 8 years ago

    I agree with Sparklea. There is no reason to use words that harsh. Coming from experience, him speaking of the woman in depth can be a red flag. Him acting out by saying those words seems like an act of defense. Men have a way of getting really rude when they are defensive. I wouldn't make accusations, as they can lead to arguments and words that can't be taken back. But you definitely need to keep an eye on it. If he keeps talking about her, there might be something going on. You can't really act on the first suspicion. You need something to back it up. If he keeps blowing up like that, I would be concerned.

    1. Penny G profile image60
      Penny Gposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Great information thank you and I will keep an eye on this

  9. ginjill ashberry profile image73
    ginjill ashberryposted 8 years ago

    We never know the whole story. Choice words and speaking tones influence a conversation much.
    Penny is feeling threatened it might have showed. Hubby feeling misunderstood and mixed with other issues spells an outburst.
    Anyhow, by being rude in itself, the hubby should have apologized soon after.
    The girl could be troubled and confused.. Being a genuine friend to her would be helpful.

    In life act with true intent and passion.

    Whatever people do to us, it is their poor character. But we must not jump to conclusions before the truth.
    But we are responsible to the pure ness of our thoughts and actions towards others. It is who we are. So never settle for any desperate attempts..
    Be bold and stay firm in truth.

    Gossips tends to merge esp in work places. Whether or not it is true that the girl has bad intention or she has been misunderstood, remains to be seen.
    Being afraid will not solve problem. If hubby is an opened minded and transparent person, he would be grateful to have a wife who is supportive and caring, and helping with the said girl would not have been a problem.
    I know that when faced with anything at all, a married couple faces it together. They are partners for life.
    I believe by now, since days have come and go.. Clouds of suspicious has cleared much and I wish Penny and her household peace.

  10. Deborah Demander profile image89
    Deborah Demanderposted 7 years ago

    No person who loves and respects you should ever speak to you in such a manner.
    And you should not permit yourself to be spoken to in such a manner. There is never an excuse for abuse. Tell your husband that you will not tolerate that kind of language, and remove yourself from the situation.
    These types of situations can quickly get out of hand, both the situation he is entering into at work, and the situation between you and he.
    You can only control yourself. You cannot control the relationships he develops, nor can you control the way he speaks to you.
    You can choose how you will respond to both his treatment of you, and the situation at work. You do not have to be a victim.


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