How do you get over a fear of intimacy?

1. 68

   Melissa Noonposted 11 years ago

   How do you get over a fear of intimacy?
   
   I am seeing a guy who is almost perfect for me in every way and I really like him but every time he talks about getting intimate I just want to run away. This isn't the first time I had that reaction, and I really don't want to lose him. So what is the best way to get over the fear or is it just one of those things where you just have to dive in and do?

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2. 73

   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   Typically the fear of intimacy is the fear of being (emotionally) and/or (physically) close to another individual. Based upon what you state it does not sound like you have a fear of emotionally connecting with this guy.
   Oftentimes the fear of connecting physically is not so much about having a fear of the actual act of sex but more or less a fear of what may or may not happen (after) the relationship has gone to that level.
   In some instances people worry about the quality or incompatibility as in suppose it's an "awful/disappointing experience" for one or both of you. They fear it could change how they relate/view each other.
   One of the reasons a lot of people recommend waiting to have sex until (both people) are "emotionally invested" or even married before having sex is because if things don't click right away there is a far more chance the couple will invest time and effort into learning to improve things for each other.
   On the other hand if there is no "emotional investment" on the part of (both) parties and one of you is "disappointed" there is chance that it may cause one of you to continue to search for a more "compatible" sexual partner. In other words if there is no (real) "emotional investment" people are NOT likely to "work" on things in a relationship. This causes some folks to feel "used".
   The bottom line in my opinion is one should never have sex with an agenda. By that I mean don't do it simply because the other person wants to or because you believe it will "solidify" your relationship and keep them from moving on.
   Know yourself, love yourself, and trust yourself.
   You should only have sex because (you) want to! If there has been (no) talk about being "exclusive" or an indication that the two of you plan to be together "long-term" then your having sex should have (no expectations) beyond hoping to be mutually satisfied.
   Having sex with an "agenda" or the hope it will result in something else is what causes fear. It may also be a sign that on some level you don't trust him/his motives or the relationship at this point. Don't do anything before (you) are ready to.
   If you "lose someone" it just means they're not "the one".

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   1. 68

      Melissa Noonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Very true and thank you for your answer. I know I am not ready and will have to lay that on the table and see what will happen. If he likes me he should stick around right so if he doesn't than its a good thing I waited right?

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3. 44

   DDEposted 11 years ago

   It is obvious you are not ready for an intimate relationship so you fear what  supposed to be the next level. Talk about your fears to him if he does not understand then  he is not the kind for you.

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   1. 68

      Melissa Noonposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah I will talk to him and thank you so much for answering

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4. 65

   lupineposted 10 years ago

   When you are ready to be intimate with someone, you will know and be willing. If he really cares for you he will wait...if not, then good thing you didn't give in. It's really lame when a guy says, ...if you love me, you would... These days, it seems even those on casual dates are being intimate, and it's really devaluating the true meaning of relationships.

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   1. 68

      Melissa Noonposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Yes I was honest and asked what he was after and in a long about way he ptetty much admitted he wasn't looking for a relationship so I dumped him. So I realized to trust what your head says about the situation.

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   2. 73

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Melissa Noon sounds like you two didn't want the same things.
      "Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart."
      This cuts down on the number of regrets and heartaches.

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   3. 65

      lupineposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Melissa,  you did the right thing.Don't let anybody influence your decisions when they are life changing experiences. I'm happy for you. Don't worry about your fear, it will happen at the right time,  with the right guy.

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5. 88

   krillcoposted 10 years ago

   Depends on what you mean by intimacy; there are, after all, six types. The only real way to move beyond a fear of intimacy is to become intimate. Unless you have interpersonal trauma in hour history, that is. If that is the case, consulting with a qualified, licensed professional counselor is in order.

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