jump to last post 1-8 of 8 discussions (16 posts)

What will you do if you discover that your best friend is having affair with you

  1. Chuksm profile image70
    Chuksmposted 3 years ago

    What will you do if you discover that your best friend is having affair with your spouse?

  2. FatFreddysCat profile image99
    FatFreddysCatposted 3 years ago

    First I'd kick my "friend's" ass, then I'd tell my spouse to pack up and git out!

    1. profile image0
      JThomp42posted 3 years agoin reply to this

      My sentiments exactly!

  3. Billie Kelpin profile image87
    Billie Kelpinposted 3 years ago

    What would I do if I discovered my best friend is having an affair with my husband is a question I had to face in "real life".  Actually, I think having an affair is secondary to having your spouse "fall in love" with your best friend. To this day, 25 years later, I wish I hadn't handled the situation as I did, but I don't know what the outcome would have been if I had acted differently - perhaps it would have been the same.

    I've heard an NPR interview with Dr. Scott Haltzman and am happy to hear psychologists come around to the view that infidelity doesn't only happen in marriages where something is wrong, but can happen in GOOD marriages as well.  It seems counter-intuitive, but I think that can be the case.
    The very first thing I would advise AGAINST, is panic. I would also advise AGAINST telling the spouse of the other person about any suspicions you have. That person has no power to change anything and can exacerbate the situation. (I would NEVER have told my mother!) 

    If I had it to do all over again, I would have pulled TOWARD my husband instead of away from him.

    I've thought long and hard of things I could have done.  There are a few LITTLE things I would start doing if I wanted to save a GOOD marriage:

    -I would start casually gathering pictures of our family together and subtly start leaving them about.  Perhaps I'd add a picture or two to ones already hanging on the wall.  It's important for the spouse to realize you have a HISTORY together.

    -I would make meal time together a highly pleasurable experience - add flowers to the table, make our favorite foods. 

    -I would read EVERYTHING I could about ways to SAVE a marriage. (In the 80s there seemed to be only the philosophy of "you have to take care of yourself" never considering that saving your family from the life-time regret of divorce is taking care of yourself.

    It takes a monumental amount of self-discipline, self-esteem, and courage to do all these things when your soul feels like it's being ripped apart.  If your spouse tells you it's not about you - believe him!  It IS about him or her - some broken place in the soul that has led to this, or as Dr. Haltzman has suggested, sometimes it's just a set of unfortunate circumstances that has somehow come together at a precise moment of time. 
    It's 5:00 in the morning as I write, another sleepless night, 27 yrs after my husband left, and still I grieve over my child's loss and mine. I write so another might be spared that pain.

    1. dashingscorpio profile image87
      dashingscorpioposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      In order for (him) to be "the one" he would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually (wants) to be with you. "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde

    2. mothersofnations profile image76
      mothersofnationsposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      With all respect, it seems you're holding on to something that should have been let go 27yrs ago. If He was the right 1 for you he would've respected your marriage vows. Don't let it hurt your child because it hurt you. Not fair. Sorry. God bless you

    3. Billie Kelpin profile image87
      Billie Kelpinposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      M: (equal respect). There are many people who have been stronger than I and have been able to let go of the emotional pain of various life situations; however, that doesn't mean they don't wish they might have acted differently in that situation.

  4. ChristinS profile image95
    ChristinSposted 3 years ago

    I'm sorry, but for me cheating is a deal breaker.  If someone can't respect themselves or their partner enough to fix the problems that lead to cheating before it happens, they don't deserve to be married. I frankly, don't deserve to be cheated on and betrayed and would not tolerate it. It happened to me, I slammed the door on that marriage and never looked back.  We are amicable today and friends - what we should have been all along.  This was not someone who was able to be accountable for his actions or to look at himself with any honesty.  I was expected to, but he didn't think he needed to work on anything or had an excuse for his poor behaviors.

    A friend that would do that is not your friend.  Both would be out the door in a flash with me.  I can and do forgive a lot of things, but to me that is the ultimate betrayal and is unforgivable. Cheating your life partner is not acceptable - it is the ultimate form of disrespect and I expect the same amount of respect and consideration I give to others to be returned to me.  For those who can work it out mutually and fix it, I have nothing but admiration.  I know I would not be that forgiving, so I do respect those who can work and fix a broken marriage, but it takes both partners.  Often those who cheat lack that accountability, therefore it won't work and a single person cannot fix what is broken in a partnership without cooperation.

    Fortunately, I am currently with a wonderful partner and we both value one another and work together when we have any challenges.  Interestingly enough, because we are both open and honest with ourselves as well as each other, making it work is easy.  Our relationship has had none of the heartache and stress my first marriage did.  I'm glad I gave it a go with a different partner rather than stay in a miserable situation.

    1. mothersofnations profile image76
      mothersofnationsposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      Well said!
      God bless...

  5. dashingscorpio profile image87
    dashingscorpioposted 3 years ago

    I'd have to remove both of them from my life.
    They're both equally wrong.

  6. lisavollrath profile image96
    lisavollrathposted 3 years ago

    I'd probably think they deserve each other, and do everything I could to get as far away from both of them as quickly as possible.

  7. Chuksm profile image70
    Chuksmposted 3 years ago

    Thank you Bellie Kelpin for opening up. Many will learn from your experience. Throwing then baby away with the bath water is not the best approach. There is need to salvage the marriage. Serious you learned this too late. This is one of my hubs: http://chuksm.hubpages.com/hub/Ways-To- … An-Affair. Happy reading.

    1. Billie Kelpin profile image87
      Billie Kelpinposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      Chuksm, the link you posted doesn't seem to work.  Can you repost it?  Like a 'mother against drunk drivers', I feel commited to work toward helping in whatever way I might to offer the view that GOOD marriages don't have to end like mine did.

    2. Chuksm profile image70
      Chuksmposted 3 years agoin reply to this
    3. mothersofnations profile image76
      mothersofnationsposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      You can only salvage a marriage when both partners actually want to & take appropriate steps to make it happen. Most cheaters never stop. Not all marriages should've become marriages. That decision is very individual & must be carefully consi

  8. esatchel profile image90
    esatchelposted 3 years ago

    I don't know about you but I would leave them both. They both chose to betray, together with each other, and they both have such a close relationship with you. Yep, i'd wash my hands of that lot.