Which choice is an "unhappily married man" likely to pursue: Filing for divorce

1. 71

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   Which choice is an "unhappily married man" likely to pursue: Filing for divorce or Cheating?
   
   If you think the answer is cheating why do you think they would choose that option?
   If you believe the answer is file for divorce do you know of any men who ever (initiated the legal filing) of a divorce? According to statistics (women) in the U.S. initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings! Are men more committed to legally staying in unhappy marriages?
   Even mistresses are often warned by friends: "The husband never leaves his wife."
   
   

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2. 66

   connorjposted 10 years ago

   
   
   Perhaps because it is indeed cheaper he will fall down the "cheaping" (i.e. cheating) rabbit hole...

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      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Are you saying an unhappily married man is likely to choose cheating over divorce because it's cheaper? If so; Are the unhappily married women filing for divorce to get financial advantages? Is it all just about the money?

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   2. 66

      connorjposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, indeed...

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3. 67

   danicoleposted 10 years ago

   Cheating, because cheating is cheaper than a divorce!!!! Also just because he is unhappy, doesn't necessarily mean he wants a divorce. Divorce is a drastic, serious and final solution. Its not for the faint heart and you really have to be over with the relationship to want a divorce.
   Cheating can be temporary thing, unhappiness can be a temporary/fixable thing, while divorce is definitely more permanent

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   1. 71

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      "Cheating can be a temporary thing." Very interesting!
      I agree it's possible the cheater doesn't want to throw out the proverbial baby with the dirty bath water. I suppose they're not looking to (replace) one relationship with another one.

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   lyndapringleposted 10 years ago

   With the 50% divorce rate in this country, I am going to assume that cheating is the option chosen by people.  If anything, the main reason is that it is no longer a secret if at a least two people know about the cheating.  A vengeful scorned lover is likely to tell the non-cheating spouse easily leading to divorce.  In my personal experience, women will try to forgive a cheating spouse especially if there are children involved but men rarely do so.  They are too full of ego.  But even women eventually leave the marriage because trust cannot be regained.
   
   Nobody I know has tolerated cheating over divorce.  Not one.  One would think that staying married despite even just a one time affair would be the wiser course of affairs for the sake of the children and not having the expense of paying for two households as couples eventually move on to new families.  Also child support and alimony is expensive.  Staying married does seem to be the more pragmatic solution but nobody I know has done this.
   
   The most important virtue in marriage seems to be trust, over-riding money and even forgiveness.  One simply cannot live with a person one no longer trusts.  Cheating is also the ultimate spousal betrayal and it is not normal for couples to overcome this betrayal and try to continue being a family when trust and loyalty are gone. 
   
   People will stay with partners who have substance abuse problems, who are unemployed, etc., but cheating seems to be the only option once loyalty and trust are dead in a marriage.

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   1. 71

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      "Nobody I know has tolerated cheating over divorce." It's odd that is what I've witnessed as well. However I've seen it forgiven when there is no marriage! hmm Naturally there are famous people like Hilary Clinton & Anthony Weiner's wife stayed.

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      fpherj48posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      some comments surprise me. w/o a single doubt, or 2nd thought of any kind. Had my 1st husband (deceased)cheated  I would NOT have,could NOT have divorced him. I ADORED him in every way. I'd have spent the rest of my life trying to be what he needed.

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5. 60

   fpherj48posted 10 years ago

   dashing scorpio.......The answer(s) to this particular question are so varied and multi-faceted.  You made it a bit tougher to answer by limiting our choices.....but I'll do my best, based on both general personal knowledge as well as professional experience.
   Men are infamous for (the very old cliche) of wanting their cake and eating it too.  To add to this, men do not necessarily equate the fact that they cheat on their wives to "not loving them."   Basically, this is because men rarely have extra marital affairs with a woman because "he loves her."  90% of the time, she's just another conquest.....feather in his cap....ego boost.   Which BTW....in response to something you mentioned:  THIS is the real reason men rarely leave their wives for someone else. Difficult as this may be for women to grasp.....cheating men DO love their wives. (Notice I did not use the word, "respect."
   Divorce can be (and usually IS) an expensive venture.  According to the latest F.B.I statistics, 82% of premeditated murders of women by their husbands is because before they will choose divorce.....they prefer no wife=no alimony=no child support.   Comforting thought for women, wouldn't you say? 
   "Unhappily" married men may seek out other women for momentary pleasure/happiness.....but do not necessarily consider divorce simply based on 'unhappiness."    Cheating is the preferable choice in most cases.......unless and until they are CAUGHT....then of course, it's no longer THEIR choice! LOL
   As much as we women may joke and tease about men being "stupid" when it comes to women.....the truth is they are quite realistic.  Unlike the majority of unhappily married women who will divorce one hubby to be with another......men are able to rationalize that trading one woman for another is like trading a toothache for a back ache.   Thus the typical and highly philosophical male decision-making process...."Aw, what the Hell?...might as well stay with the bitch I've already gotten used to and invested in." 
   So as not to create a HUB here......my final comment should help you to understand a whole lot about the way men look at this entire concept   They may do the majority of the "cheating".....and enjoy it......but they rarely want to be married to a "CHEATING woman.".....

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      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Great answer! "Cheating is the preferable choice in most cases...unless and until they are CAUGHT...then of course, it's no longer THEIR choice! "
      You're right! Some men would rather kill a spouse than divorce them. Men do separate love & sex.

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   Veterans Viewposted 10 years ago

   I think cheating first. Everyone likes to think the grass is greaner on the other side of the street and if they sample that grass they will ultimately come to one of two conclusions. Either the grass is indeed greener on that side and then they pursue it, or they find out that the grass is full of poo on the other side of the street and all they really need is some water on thier own grass to make it green again. Im sure this goes both for women and men alike. I believe they cheat because they are missing something important thier relationship is not providing and they dont necessarily want to leave thier significant other, just get what they are missing on the side.

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   1. 71

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      You make a very valid point. I don't believe cheaters want to replace their current mate. They're most likely looking to compliment what they already have. Clearly they don't buy into the 80/20 rule. They're not willing to do without.

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   C.V.Rajanposted 10 years ago

   Basically, it is to do with the ethics and values of a person. An over-smart, extremely calculative and selfish person would opt to cheat rather than file a divorce.

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   1. 71

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I believe anyone who is "unhappy" is likely to have (selfish) thoughts because it's human nature to want to be happy! What separates us is which option we choose. Some stay and cheat, some leave, others act as if they're powerless and do nothing.

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   elenagarciaposted 10 years ago

   the husband will most likely cheat.  woman are statitically higher in filing for divorce most likely because they are the ones who, especially when children are involved, have to keep the home going and that requires support.  the man most times will not file for divorce because of the financial burden it will place on him.  he will say that he didn't want to hurt the wife or the children, but in truth, it is to keep away the financial burden, and all burndens that come with divorce.  to be quite honest, though, i do think that in some, though few, cases the man finds himself in a situation that is hard to fathom for himself.  he probably never saw himself as a cheating man.  he may tell himself that it was a one time thing or that he is going to put an end to it.  i will even go as far as to say that perhaps the man feels it a failure of character.  i have found that out of the two, men tend to take failure harder than women.  so this may be a reason why they do not file for divorce first, and that is the same to say even when it is the woman who is unfaithful. 
   in filing for divorce, for a woman, it is, most times, an act of survival.  women are instinctual, especially as mothers.  so the thought process is to do what needs to be done so that her child and herself are taken care of.  if the marriage is salvagable, she will deal with that after the divorce.  too, it must be said that sometimes the woman is pressured into divorce by friends with whom she confides in.

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   1. 71

      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your answer. Recently I asked if sexual incompatibility is enough of a reason to file for divorce. Over 90% responded by saying "no". My guess is cheaters may not view issues in their marriage as a cause for divorce. Maybe it's $ though

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