How can I get my boyfriend to be the way he used to & see things from my point of view?
He goes out a lot and I don't really do anything or have many friends so I used to argue about him going out and not talking to me. Now I've accepted it and I'm trying not to argue because I don't want to push him away. However, I have given him so much in the relationship and gotten nothing back. He promised me multiple times that he would prioritise me in summer but so far he hasn't. I asked him about it and he got angry & defensive. He comes home late so we only talk a couple hours a day and see each other once a week, how can I get him to care and see it from my point of view. I miss him
You can't. You cannot change the attitudes and behaviors of others; they have to do it on their own. He perhaps feels you are wanting to take away his autonomy, or perhaps he's just not ready to be in a serious relationship, or perhaps you're growing apart. The fact he gets defensive and doesn't do anything to compromise and meet you in the middle speaks volumes. We set ourselves up for how we are treated by others. If you continue to put up with it, have compromised by letting him go out without getting upset about it and he still refuses to meet you halfway, I'm sorry hon, but the writing is on the wall.
Why stay with someone who makes empty promises and doesn't fulfill them? Find someone who wants the same type and level of commitment you do. Life is too short to spend it with the wrong partner waiting for them to magically change. It isn't going to happen.
" Life is too short to spend it with the wrong partner waiting for them to magically change. It isn't going to happen."
- Very true!
I'm willing to bet that her lack of friends has something to do with her being unavailable to them because she is too busy keeping track of her boyfriend.
I believe you're probably on the mark Motherbynature. Sadly, a lot of women tend to do this, get so hung up on their relationships they lose themselves.
" I have given him so much in the relationship and gotten nothing back."
This begs the question: Why are you still there?
The beautiful thing about a door is it lets those in who want in and those out who want out. Anyone who is "unhappy" in a relationship and chooses to stay is (choosing) to be unhappy!
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
If you are with someone who does not want to spend much time with you nor talk with you it's clear that they don't think you're all that "special".
There are two reasons why he's not giving you what you've asked for.
1. He doesn't have it to give. (In other words it's not who he is).
Too often people get thrown off by the "infatuation phase" of a new relationship. That's when both people are bending over backwards to impress one another. Laughter, passion, and romance are all around. However eventually people reveal their "authentic selves" and that's when you discover if he/she is the "right one" for you.
2. He doesn't feel (you) are worth the effort to give it to.
(You're not the one!)
I know this one stings. However time and time again it's been noted that people "in love" will make more of an effort to please their mate than those who are not "in love" or "emotionally invested" in the relationship.
For example you said: "Now I've accepted it and I'm trying not to argue because I don't want to push him away." Sounds like you're the only one "walking on eggshells" or tiptoeing around issues in the relationship. You're not being true to yourself!
You also say: "I asked him about it and he got angry & defensive."
He doesn't sound like a guy "in love" who wants to reassure his mate.
Nevertheless it's not about (him) anymore. You know where he's coming from. It's about (you) and why you don't believe you deserve better or could do better? You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole!
You said; "I miss him". However I believe this quote applies to you.
“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.” – unknown
Thankfully you're not married to this guy. It's time for you to move on.
The world may not owe you anything but you owe yourself the world!
Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself!
There are over 7 Billion+ people on this planet and about half of them are men. This guy whom you believe you can't live without just know that there are billions of women who doing just that everyday!
In fact you had a life before you met him too!
Every ending is a new beginning! Best wishes!
Hearing it from a man's point of view is very affirming.
Dashing...you are so wise and your comments speak with clarity and sensibility.
Thanks Christian and Paula!
All we can do is hope she reads and listens in her heart to what we have told her. The hardest part to moving on is letting go.
I assume you're not going to take my advice, but you should leave if you aren't happy in the relationship after expressing your concerns to him. I'll bet if you break up with him, he'll try to get you back. Then you'll have some leverage to lay down the ground rules before taking him back.
However will it mean he's (really) changed?
She said the guy doesn't spend time with her & hardly talks to her! He's either seeing someone else or simply doesn't care about her. He may throw her a crumb or two but he'll never give her the cake.
What stands out to me is that you "don't do anything or have many friends". He counts on that. No matter what he does you will be there waiting when he is done. You have taught him that it's ok for him to treat you that way. What does he have to fear? Who is he going to lose you to?
If you were my sister I would tell you to to dump him, but I know you won't. At least put yourself first. Don't worry about what he's doing. Make your own plans and start living. Stop being readily available to him! Stop answering his calls on the first ring. Download the meetup app and start finding groups of people who share your same interests. You'll make new friends. You'll be having fun at an event and forget all about your phone and how long it's been since he called you. Then you'll be surprised when he starts asking a bunch of questions about where you've been and who you've been with, why you didn't answer his call. Men like him don't appreciate what is always readily available. He is the center of your universe and he knows it. He's milking it.
I'm not telling you all this to manipulate him into caring. I'm telling you all this with the hopes that you will begin to enjoy life so much that you will realize you don't need him.
Obviously, it is a difficult situation but as ChristinS has said, you cannot change people except if they decide on their own to change. And the more you try to persuade him to change the farther you push him away.
My suggestion to you is that you should try and keep yourself busy, make new friends. if you are not working presently, I would advise that you should find something doing, he would be the one that would come running towards you if he actually loves you. I know you miss him and you also want him to miss you as well but since he is not forthcoming you need to take care of yourself and let him be for the time being.
Finally, as my friend Dashingscorpio would always say, you need to be with someone adores you, who truly values you and who would be chasing after you not somebody you would be chasing after.
Sophia......Because what we have to go on is the paragraph you offer here, I can only give my opinion and advice based upon this.
Please know that I would love to give you nothing but positive comments and provide you with "hope."
Unfortunately, experience and wisdom will not allow me to do this while being realistic and maintaining honesty.
I hope you will come to terms with the loud & clear messages your boyfriend is presenting. Sounds like he's enjoying this double life and hasn't the courage to speak the truth and be fair with you.
Let me suggest you ask yourself a few questions, Sophia. Try your best to be objective, which I know is difficult, especially when emotions are involved.
Why does your BF not ask you to go along with him on these night-time social events?
Why would you be willing to to "accept" this sort of behavior, especially since he: 1.) Does not TALK to you 2.) Gives "nothing" in comparison to all you have given in this relationship. 3.) Makes promises he does not keep (this is called "lip service" which is useless) 4.) He reacts with anger and defensiveness!
I'm sorry Sophia....this guy is not a "KEEPER." In fact, it's not you who is "pushing away."
For Heaven's sake honey, you are worthy of MUCH more from (an alleged) partner. Please see that you are being treated unkindly and disrespectfully. Know that this is totally unacceptable treatment and please stand for no more!
NONE of us can "get someone to care," if they choose not to, Sophia and in the case of this selfish, rude, unconcerned young man......as quickly as possible, you need to work on forgetting him.
You are a valuable, loving woman. Many men would be thrilled to have a partner like you and treat you as you deserve.
This guy needs to be (IN PLAIN ENGLISH) KICKED TO THE CURB!! I hope you heed the wonderful advice everyone here has given you.
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