Do you avoid dating widows / widowers?

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   Hmrjmr1posted 14 years ago

   It seems to me, since I have now been a widower for four years 3 months and 3 days, that some women are intimidated by my late wife. I had one lady tell me she wouldn't go out with me because she didn't think she could compete with a dead woman.
   Now just so you understand I think I'm pretty careful one on one to keep things looking forward instead of looking back, so I don't talk about Zena unless I'm asked. Just wondering what folks thought, about it all. Gals do you feel intimidated by someones memory? Guys?
   
   Discuss Discuss

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      Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Having been where you are now, I suggest you take those statements to heart and ask yourself the  obvious question first.
      
      Seeing as you are still counting the days (I did for quite a while) there may be some validity to what they are saying.
      
      And it is really hard to see the wood for the trees in this case.
      
      Easy to think you never look back, when in fact you are. I think it is impossible to make generalization here also. One situation can never be exactly the same as another.
      
      Have you done all the clearing out needs doing? Thrown or given away all the clothes/jewelry/personal effects; redecorated the house, etc etc. Mentally as well as physically.

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         Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         counting days is an old habit that precedes my wife,, It;s just something I do...
         As for the others, Clothes jewelry etc all gone long ago, (except for some items I knew she would want to go to any future Daughter in Law they are in the safe. Or tucked away..(set of China handed down to her from my Dad goes to future DIL as well)
         not sure what else I could do in that arena..

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         The Ropeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Been there, doing that and Mark is absolutely correct.

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            Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            noted Thanks

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         Marisa Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         That thought struck me, too.  You may not talk about your wife unless asked, but there are all kinds of unspoken signs which women can read. 
         
         Personally I think I would be more likely to date a widower than a divorced man (even though I married one recently!), because a widower didn't screw up his first relationship...

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            Diskobolosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            How do you know that he screwed up his previous relationship? Maybe it was her.

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               Marisa Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Well, that's true - and in the case of my husband, I know it was mainly her fault (she ran off with a man from her bible class, would you believe, leaving him with the kids).  But when you're dating a guy, you're only getting his side of the story, so you can never be sure.
               
               With a widower, you can be sure!

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      Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Well, those who think that they cannot compete with a "dead" person has self-esteem issues to begin with. By your statement "since I have now been a widower for four years 3 months and 3 days"? - it leads me to draw the conclusion that you are not really ready to start another relationship. This comes across to many who will meet you, in a one-on-one situation.
      
      Women are keen to pick up on certain aspects of men, and the fact that you're only recently(less than 5 years or more) a widower, it's going to make women think that you're in a bit of a rush and haven't come to grips with your past relationship and it's abrupt end.
      
      Just a thought?

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         Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         You telling me I gotta wait till five years?
         and yeah the competition remark made was from someone I probably wouldn't have gone out with any way...(she was only separated not even divorced yet, not stepping into triangles)
         like I said as for the counting it's a compulsion started in Viet Nam maybe still not over that yet either I guess, 2 years nine months and 11 days, or the gulf war, 191 days, or iraq War 4 years 7 months and 27 days, High school....so on and so on..

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      rebekahELLEposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      my husband died young and we had been separated 2 years when he died suddenly. I didn't even think of a man for a couple of years as it completely changed my life. I had two young sons to raise, continue my career, take care of the home, etc.
      when I did start dating, the men didn't seem to be bothered by the fact, maybe because we had been separated. I don't know, perhaps because I was ready. I certainly still loved my husband even though we were not together at the time of his passing.
      
      I don't mind dating a widower as long as he does not bring her up often or have a home that still looks like she lives there.
      I actually feel like that part of my life was another lifetime.
      I feel like a different woman now, because I've changed and grown.
      
      It takes a while to be ready, some take longer than others. I know many women might feel threatened by that memory, but the right one won't! I do think it takes a certain maturity of understanding and acceptance. 
      
      keep thinking only the best! the right one will appear at the right time.

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         Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for posting, Rebeka - Thats pretty much the way I've been thinking more just wondering what others thought.. All things in their time..

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      Mr Niceposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I hope you are not looking for an 18 year's old young lady.........hahaha just kidding but that is possible too if you got big pockets.
      I believe it's just the matter of time and depends where you are looking for your lady.
      I hope you are not ....... Looking for love in all the wrong places. Good luck

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         Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         To be honest only lookin as opportunity allows, not a serious search effort. (I learned young they usually don't work) as for 18 year olds, no I don't want a daughter, (especially one in their teens!)

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            prettydarkhorseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            LOL< how about thirty--- ish

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               Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               late twenty ish, thirty ish, forty ish , fifty ish, .....

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                  prettydarkhorseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  thats good,

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      Diskobolosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I understand that you are TRYING to keep things looking forward, but that doesn't mean that you are. You are counting days from the time you lost your wife, so obviously you have not healed enough to move forward.
      
      It's a tough subject, I lost my dad while in elementary school, he and my mom were together, since they were 19, after that life pretty much stopped for her and only me and my brother mattered, needless to say she never dated anyone again.
      
      Half of my friends are not yet married (including myself), dating a widow is not really something that relates to us, it probably will in 20-30 years. The stuff we discuss is dating a divorced girl, and most people think it's ok if she doesn't have kids...

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         Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Once again I would point out that counting is just something I do, for many many things, it's being made more of here than it deserves. I count everything.
         
         With the War on you may want to rethink the possibility that someone younger just might be a widow.. been over 4553 lost so far.

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      elizabet1960posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      To the widower, it's been a while now and you may feel lonely and would like to find somebody, so do it! But unless your gf asks for an specific question, no need to mention your wife, keep those memories to yourself. A woman should not feel threatened by your late wife unless you bring it up in evey conversation, then you are not really ready to move on. Good luck on your search.

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         Diskobolosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I think this is more complicated than that. I know he is feeling lonely, but does any women or men want a partner that is going to be with them, because they feel lonely? More important, does anyone want to be with someone to whom they are going to be a substitute, a 2nd best option, some kind of consolidation?

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            Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Hate to burst a bubble here, but I am not as lonley or hurting as has been assumed, probably should have made that clearer, but since I had the one gal say that to me I just kind of wondered if more folks felt that way.. Thanks for the advice though

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      blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Honestly it wouldn't bother me. Whatever his past is, is his personal memories to hold and cherish. To me it is no different than a guy who chooses to go out with me, despite the fact that I have had some great loves and losses. No difference. I look to the man, his heart, his feelings towards me, not what he loved before.

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         Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         You have in fact confirmed to me you are a special Gal o muse o mine..
         

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         Diskobolosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         The problem is not about what he loved before, but that he still loves her. Are you ok with starting a relationship with someone that is already in love with someone else?

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            Eaglekiwiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Memories wont keep ya warm at night though

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               Diskobolosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               No it won't, but that was on of my points. Do you want to be with a man/woman, that looks for a company, because of his/her loneliness?

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                  Eaglekiwiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  If the feelings are mutual I dont see any problems.
                  Everyone knows its nicer to do things in 'twos' lol

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      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      haha nooooo.....
      
      but i am respectful of their memory and understand that they will always occupy a very big piece of their heart.

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2. 68

   Hmrjmr1posted 14 years ago

   Any one out there??

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3. 60

   readytoescapeposted 14 years ago

   Yes, I have made it a stern and fast rule not to date widowers. I'm sure my wife wouldn't like it, she doesn't seem to mind the odd widow no and again but widowers are strictly forbidden.
   
   Hah!

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   Eaglekiwiposted 14 years ago

   Marks posted some helpful and important advice apart ( have ya missed me preaching Mark )
   
   One thing I would add too, most women accept your late wife was a big part of your history ,but if you want some new history ,I think its respectful to concentrate on your new (lady) friends and make some , new memories

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   lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

   To me at this stage in my life I would rather find someone who has moved on and is ready for the next step. It is too often when you start talking to a man at this age that you find they moved on only to procreate again and have small children. Mind you I have nothing against them just don't want to raise no more babies. A stable man secure in himself ready to take the leap and start dating again would be ideal.
   
   I have to say though that Mark might be right. You are still counting. When you stop doing that you will be ready. I passed a major anniversary well two actually one in Oct and one in Dec without realizing it until it was brought to my attention. That is when I knew I could get back out there and see what was available. Unfortunately, all I have found are men who have started the procreation process all over and need help raising a small child.
   
   It's damn frustrating,

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      Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      concur on no more babies..Not an issue here.snip snip long ago...

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   readytoescapeposted 14 years ago

   On the serious side, now that the thread is alive, I’m not so sure there is anything you can do to change any perceived perception. What has happened has happened, and you now are also what you have been termed as, however only partly, even though you now have the added description of “widower”, you are still the same guy with the same things to offer.
   
   Does the loss change you, how could it not, does it affect your core value and or values, I say No.

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   A Texanposted 14 years ago

   Believe it or not I agree with Mark, hell will surely freeze over!

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      Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      A Miracle Happened and to think some on hub pages think there is no God!! HE HE HE

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         Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         
         
         Seriously though - I never found this to be an issue after I had genuinely moved on and I was not aware I had not moved on until after I had.
         
         If that makes any sense.....
         
         I guess this is part of it - talking about it and asking yourself the question is part of the moving on process. I consciously let go some things and asked myself all the time - every time I felt anything - "why do I feel this way?"
         
         You might surprise yourself. I know I did.

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            Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Good Advice Thanks My Friend..

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   prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

   can we really forget somebody, how do you know that you have fogotten them? and that you are ready for another relationship, what if you are the type of person that attachment takes time, even if they are long gone, dead or still living, Maybe what Mr Mark said about clothes being kept already etc counts as one sign you did forget, what is more essential is the emotions and inner feelings involved.....
   
   Can another person helps you forget the last one?

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   Cagsilposted 14 years ago

   As for avoiding dating widows/widowers?
   
   I don't avoid any women that come into my life. I love them all equally. I'm honored to know them all, regardless of their feelings toward me, as a person. Would I date one? Been there and done that.
   
   Would I date a widower? No thank you.

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      Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah yeah on the widower
      
      Good o for the rest Cags

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    lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

    Look for a neighbor, John. Just someone to hang with at first. That's what I am looking for in the long run. I have school hopefully if I'm accepted for the program coming up because I am going back to my roots and pleasing myself. I always from the time I was a little girl wanted to be a nurse. Hopefully, if I'm accepted into the program that will start taking place this coming fall.
    
    So, a neighbor = someone you can hang with like I said, nothing more than a friend who has similar likes and dislikes, someone to cuddle with at the occasional scary movie or who will be there when you are having a hard day and know what you need is a hug and cheering up.
    
    It's hard to find because so many have expectations going into a relationship. Men and women both need to feel sexual but that should really just be a by product that comes after you are totally comfortable with each other. Unfortunately, that is also something of a stumbling block because most of the men I have encountered just in the short time I've put myself back out there want that first and foremost.
    
    I wish you all the best my friend I really do. It will happen when you least expect it.

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       Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Lynne The last sentence is the fundamental truth of it I reckon, if it is meant to be it will be..

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    Sean Leongposted 14 years ago

    I dated a widow for 2 years before. Would have married her if not due to religion.

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       Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Bummer you couldn't work that out together,

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       Diskobolosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Why was religion a problem? Especially if it wasn't a problem for you to date each other for 2 years.

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    lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

    Hey John, do you have a boat?

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       Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Nope I'm an old soldier nopt a sailor..He He

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          lynnechandlerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Dang, I hear there is some great dolphin watching from some of the inlets down your way.

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          Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Not a bad idea though.
          
          Buying a boat..................

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             Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Don't like being in water where the fish are bigger than me..

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    PrettyPantherposted 14 years ago

    I am engaged to a man who is widowed.  She had been gone three years when we met and they had been married for 22 years.  He talked about her a lot and it didn't bother me a bit, because it was a huge part of his life and how can he not share it with someone new?  I suppose if I had felt like he was "stuck" and not moving on, I would have bailed early, but I didn't feel that way at all.  He was, and is, interested in me and my life, and while he talked about his wife, it wasn't constant and he was clearly able to enjoy life and live in the moment. 
    
    So, in answer to you question, I did not avoid dating a widower, but if he had behaved as though he was not able to move forward with his life, I would have not gotten involved.

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       Hmrjmr1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Good O wish you much joy in the future...

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    Beth100posted 14 years ago

    Good question Hmr.  For me, I would not be intimidated by her memory; afterall, we all share our lives with others intimately and otherwise.  We all have histories of relationships, including marriage.  Why would this be any different?  I haven't dated a widower, simply because I haven't been asked.  I have dated divorced men, ex-wives/children in tow, and none gave me any reason to believe that I made a wrong decision. 
    
    So, no, I would not avoid dating a widower.

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    Beth100posted 14 years ago

    BTW, counting is common.  I use to count all the time, too.  Anything from steps (walking, climbing) to repeated words, actions of others and so on.  In your case, I believe your counting is out of habit or routine, not because of not letting go.  There's a big difference between the two.  xx

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    sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

    I avoid dating period! My wife wouldn't understand.

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    tantrumposted 14 years ago

    It depends on the widower.
    If he's still crying his wife, I wouldn't go there.

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       sneakorocksolidposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Great picture!

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