How to deal with your own wife and mother who make complains to you...

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   laswiposted 14 years ago

   Against each other. You need your wife and mother both.

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      IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      That's a common problem sadly. You can't even tell the one complaining that the other one does the same as that would cause more problems.
      You could theoretically be diplomatic and tell each complainer that you don't want to listen and can they kindly stop.
      <shrugs> not much else can be done, except listen and nod and keep it all to yourself.

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         BeiYinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Telling some one that you don't want to listen is not 'diplomatic' at all. If there is a problem, then the first thing is to listen to the other. 'Listen' means to be open, trying to understand the other. Then maybe asking questions to find out the real reason for the complains. Understanding that what ever the complains are, there are not coming out of a bad intention, but that these might be reactions, feeling hurt or not getting enough attention or what ever the reason might be... This is a family situation and there should be a level of *love*, from there one can find a solution for those problems...
         Nobody is perfect, but we should know, that our life is a learning and growing process and we can have the trust, that what ever shows up in our life, serves best for our healing, to grow into more awareness and understanding and as the essence: finding *love*, in the first place in ourselves and then being able to give it...

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   2. 57

      Msgracieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You should watch this movie, it is great, although it is about a wife and mother-in-law that ae demeaning towards the husband, you should take a look at it...it is called Not easily broken, it is about a husband, that is a hardworker, I believe he owns a construction company, he enjoys volunteering with little league of helping boys and coaching a team, he wants children, wife not ready, she is all about work and making money and if you heard the term,"keeping up with the Jones' ," that would be her, all they do i stalk about him never pointing the finger at the wife(she and her mother) he is always wrong then develops feelings for a single mother (twist, they are african-american, the woman is white) you should watch it
      By T.D. Jakes, starring Morris Chestnut, Taraji P. Henson, Jenifer Lewis(the mother in-law), Eddie Cibrian, Kevin Hart(his guy pals).

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   3. 57

      Msgracieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Moreover, he just took charge and told them both what to do with themselves!! Maybe it's a bit different from your situation, but yes, they (wife & mom) have to figure it out!! Realize you can't be the mediator all the time! Also, even more funny movie, Monster-in Law, Jane Fonda, Jenniver Lopez and Michael Vartan.

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      alexandriaruthkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      you can love them in different ways, tell your mother is she is really intruding already, if you feel that way.

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2. 0

   china manposted 14 years ago

   You have to decide who is the senior, ie who is in charge, and then support them. And it is not a matter of who is right or wrong it is about order and the big happiness picture. The other thing you would need to do is to help them get used to it by encouraging good behaviour toward each other (and you) in both of them. With stability and some order the whole issue will go away and nobody will be above or below, just in a place that is more happy.

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   1. 57

      laswiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Mother is more senior than wife except in a rare case. Otherwise what do you mean by "senior"?

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         china manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I mean that senior means the one who decides what happens in your house. I am in China and I guess your situation is similar to theirs, there is often bickering in combined families - as you would expect if you bring two completely different people together. In western families the first thing a husband would do if our mother came to live with us would be to hide all the possible weapons in the house.
         
         If your culture is like the Chinese in this respect then you are the man of the house and it is your job to keep order by supporting the senior person, your mother. If you are a wise ruler then you will also help to make this comfortable for your wife and keep your mother in check. The difficulty of course is that to do this successfully you have to become senior to your mother - which is your position in your house I think? Hide the knives first ok
         
         This is only my opinion based on what I see here. I will also ask my Chinese partner about this as she is well versed in family political issues.

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3. 81

   TamCorposted 14 years ago

   Personally, I would lock them both in the same room for a few hours, and MAKE them communicate with each other...some people would be amazed at how much can be resolved by talking things out...
   
   
   I just wish more folks would try it...
   
   
   
   Tammy

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4. 67

   TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years ago

   Sounds like a typical triangulation. Check out a book called The Family Crucible by Carl Whitaker and Augustus Napier (it's super cheap on Amazon, but it's a classic).
   
   If the problem's not too bad, maybe learning some new communication skills will help. Don't continue to allow them to keep you in the middle--ask yourself what you've gained from allowing yourself to be in between them (it's a problem with ALL THREE of you, I assure you...not just the two of them). Assert yourself.
   
   If the problems are getting *really* bad try getting yourselves some counseling...there might be some serious underlying issues of abandonment, control, and jealousy going on (not to mention some problems with autonomy), but they might only be getting expression in petty arguments.

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      china manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I didn't think it was a 'typical' triangulation ? Many cultures don't buy into the western idea of equality. In eastern culture families where the mother lives in the same house the man is considered the head of the house. The 'senior' of the two women is a traditional position where they make any big decisions about what happens in the house. Lots of other interesting relationships that i am finding here in China. With my Chinese partner, her brothers wife is 'senior' to her in the family and gets appropriate respect, what that entails I have yet to really find out, what I have seen so far - my partner feels she should phone her sister in law regularly but she does not need to contact back. As I find out more I will probably writ it up somewhere.

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         TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I'm not sure you understand what I meant. It has nothing to do with seniority or culture...it merely has to do with a communication loop whereby a third party ends up being in between a dyad...often the dyad is unable to communicate effectively, which is why the third party ends up in the middle. That's triangulation; it happens across the world, in every culture...almost anywhere there are three or more people attempting to create relationships with one another.

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            china manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Ok - yes of course the situation is similar.  I think I was pointing out that the difference is  how it is dealt with around the world.
            
            For instance here in China relationship issues are dealt with very differently, the man gets the last word on the important decisions - balanced by being responsible for bringing in the bread, the family safety, etc. The woman gets the last word in the house. In the west we would try to negotiate this in many ways - but if we were any good at that we would not be in the situation in the first place. In the eastern countries the problem is usually that the man is the head of the house and in these cases he is not strong enough to overcome his mother, control her excesses. Integrated properly the mother would take charge for a while as she know s how to do all this stuff, she would then slide into graceful retirement and go play mah jiang all day and night.

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5. 61

   kephriraposted 14 years ago

   Here is an old English solution: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scold%27s_bridle

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      BeiYinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Calling this a 'solution' to use torture from the middle age to shut up some one who is suppost to be the nearest person in your life is demonstrating clearly where the true reason for all the misery comes from...

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   BeiYinposted 14 years ago

   Not one of the answers related to your question and all see the fault in your wife and mother. You need to ask yourself some questions.
   What is the real problem? Why they are complaining? Obviously they don't like something about you or what you are doing. Do you *love* them? Do you accept them? Do you feel accepted from them? Do they love you? It is not only how they behave and tread you, it is the same from your side. They might be disappointed about how you complain, even without expressing it in words. Do you appreciate what they are doidng for you? Have you looked at yourself? They might be right! Have you tried to change yourself or what you are doing wrong?
   Giving the fault to the other and to the outside is the usual attitude and behavior and of course this happens from both sides. This creates an agressive field on which communication is hardly possible. Have you tried to talk with them in a way not defending yourself and not giving the fault to them? Are you angry at them? With this energy you will not open them and yourself for a talk, so change this first.
   The situation is a challenge for you, don't feel like a victim! See the happening as part of your learning, growing and healing process, then it will be creative and the situation will solved itself by the growing of all beyond it.

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      china manposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Nice to see you here !  I have not seen you post before in the short time I have been here.
      
      I think that what you say has great merit, I thought I kind of said the same thing when I advised the OP to be the man in his house, not in so much detail of course.

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7. 78

   starme77posted 14 years ago

   Just ignore em , ya dont wanna get caught up in that crap , you got better things to consume your time with , let it go in one ear and out the other

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      BeiYinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hiding away is the most popular behavior, ignoring, putting things under the carpet , not listening, turning away, not being interested, having no time, being occupied, being too tired, not feeling good and so on... Lack of awareness is not an excuse it is the result of not wanting to confront a dilemma or difficulty showing up. With this blocking ones path to grow up... This way you are making 'crap' out of your life and as well of others. Go on, consuming your life by consuming what is offered by our society, being satisfy  living in a 'fake reality' , not caring for others, not questioning any thing and going with the herd, that's what you are doing and you feel good with it?

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      1. 78

         starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Read some of my hubbs and you'll see your impression is totally opposite of what you just said

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            BeiYinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Well, Starme, I will go to your hubs and I will be glad if you are not so silly as the above comment to wich I responded...
            Then you will agree that one must be very careful when expressing oneself in public and to people who don't know you.

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8. 78

   starme77posted 14 years ago

   I would say one needs to live ones life with as little drama as possible, life has enough drama naturally all by its self , why get caught up in other peoples crap and create more for yourself?

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      BeiYinposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, one is responsible for ones own life. But ones life is connected with ones surrounding and with other people one is related to and connected and so ones responsibility goes further out. You do agree?
      Yes, there is a lot of drama around and of course you don't need to mingle yourself into something when you are not ask for, but if it has something to do with you, then better find a good and creative way to respond, because this might give you the oportunity to learn and to grow. Right?
      Don't call others people's problems 'crap' , these are challenges they need to deal with and they should see these challenges in a positive way and nobody should put a negative label on it. If you do something like this, then indeed 'life' will give you a feedback and for sure you will need to deal with it. You are not calling the challenges that you have 'crap' do you?

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         starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         yes ones life is connected wth others surrounding them and yes learning and growing is part of all of this I do agree, but one should pick his own battles so to speak in order to remain in control of their own life if the drama becomes out of control then so does ones life,

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         KC123posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I now see why men die befor women

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            jennifer millerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            A man will bring peace between the two women if he takes time to be a son to his mother and a husband to his wife. Many women fight because  a man pays  more attention to his  mother, or stops nurturing the relationship with his mother  when he marries. The mother feeling like the daughter in law  has taken a son away from her finds faults with her, or the wife resents the mother because the man is still hanging on to mama.  A man must step up and be  a leader, if his mother is wrong he should address her and let her know his wife is to be respected. And likewise the wife, if she is wrong  the man should address the wife and let her know his mother is to be respected.  A man will bring the two women  together when he honors their roles.

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