Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children?
My friend has been married for almost 10 years and has 3 children. She and her husband hate each other (her words not mine) but have decided to suffer being unhappy until their children are all over 16. The youngest is only 4. I don't think I could do that, would you?
It depends on my circumstances. If I have children, then obviously I have to think of their welfare. I would not intend to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of pleasing others. I know this sounds selfish, but if I am unhappy, I have to do something about it. I won't just sit there and hope my situation will get better. I have to act and do something about it because life is too short.
People who stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of their children are making a huge mistake. Unless divorce would put the children in harm's way (abusive parent, extreme poverty, etc.) it is best to part ways, and here's why:
1. You are modeling what marriage is. Your kids will learn that being married means being unhappy and not loving your spouse. In the future, they may opt not to get married at all or subconsciously attract a mate that will be oppositional just to replicate what they were raised to think marriage is.
2. The daily misery creates a toxic home atmosphere. Nothing needs to be said for the kids to pick up on the tension and distance. Especially when the parents "hate" each other. It's one thing to get along with respect for each other, but to hate each other? That is something you can't hide.
3. The parent-child relationship will be negatively affected because even though you may "hate" the other parent, that person is someone whom your child loves.
4. You may think you're doing this for the kids, but ask any adult kid if they would be glad their parents stayed together for their sake and the answer is a resounding NO. They report that they would feel guilty for being the cause of forcing their parents to stay together and forego their own happiness.
5. Adult kids also report that they would feel betrayed and cheated because of the false front put on by their parents. They would hate to learn that all those years together were a fraud.
Ask yourself why you're staying for the kids? Are they really better off in a home environment where their parents are unhappy? Because to them, all the other reasons to stay together don't matter if their parents are unhappy. With that said, married couples with children really need to get their act together because they're showing their children that you can stop loving someone just because they fail to meet your expectations. That you can just cut off someone you once loved. And that scares the heck out of children. Does your love for them also have strings?
Wow...I think they should separate for the sake of their children. Or try marriage counseling if they insist on living with each other. I could not live with someone I hated. I think as the children grow older, they will pick up on that, and may learn to not respect authority, or other people. I think if they stay together, they are doing their children a huge disservice.
I did that for several years with the mistaken impression it would help my son. Eventually I had enough and we split, but we did so amicably and put our child first. Honestly, he adjusted very well, very quickly and we both moved on. He now has a dad and a wonderful step dad in his life and he sees me setting a positive example of what a healthy relationship means.
Children can adjust to divorce just fine when parents are mature about it and put their differences aside to work together for the mutual benefit of those kids. Sadly, many couples end up using their kids as pawns in their divorce etc. and that's when those kids get hurt.
I believe it's far better for children to be raised in a happy home, than to feel the pressures of living in an unhappy home that was maintained "for them".
No, I wouldn't do it.
My parents got divorced when I was seven and it was the best thing for our household. Whether parents argue or fight in front of their children they can (usually) sense the absence of love.
As Dr. Phil is fond of saying;
"Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one."
On the other hand I have heard of couples who stayed together, were cordial, and (their children had no inkling) the marriage was a sham. When the children moved out the parents got divorced and their adult children were devastated! They took it harder than younger children.
One person told me it created lots of trust issues for them in their own relationships. After all if they could be "fooled" into thinking all was "perfect" and (suddenly) have the rug pulled out from under them watching their parent's 30 year marriage fail how could they be "sure" if what they'd have would be "real" or lasting.
At least if they'd witness arguments and disagreements there would not have been an immense shock of hearing their divorce plans.
by Dawn Michael 10 years ago
staying married for the sake of the children, do parents become unhappy and then kids grow up with that?
by Annie 9 years ago
Should a married couple stay together for thesake of the children, and keep the family unit...together.
by Amanda S 8 years ago
Is it better to remain in a marriage for the children or to divorce and find happiness?
by dashingscorpio 5 years ago
Chris Rock filed for a divorce after 19 years of marriage: "I Was Just Tired of Being Married."If you give him the "benefit of the doubt" that there is no mistress in hiding or some other person he has his sights on; Do you find his reason for filing for divorce to be...
by Becca Hubbard-Woods 9 years ago
Should you stay in a marriage for the kids?
by richtwf 4 years ago
With an increasing number of married couples ending in divorce - Do you think that divorce is a too easy way out and that a couple should work harder to make their relationship work?No marriage is perfect and couples have to work hard and be willing to make compromises to make a marriage work....
Copyright © 2020 HubPages Inc. and respective owners. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. HubPages® is a registered Service Mark of HubPages, Inc. HubPages and Hubbers (authors) may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, Google, and others.
HubPages Inc, a part of Maven Inc.
|HubPages Device ID||This is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.|
|Login||This is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.|
|HubPages Traffic Pixel||This is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.|
|Remarketing Pixels||We may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.|
|Conversion Tracking Pixels||We may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.|