My cousin is getting out of a relationship with his girlfriend of a year and he's taking it pretty hard. He hadn't been with a woman in nearly 5 years due to some depression and health issues. This girl essentially got him back on the path to happiness. Now she's trying to break off the relationship. She has made a laundry list of things she would like him to change about himself. The list is impossible. It almost seems like she knows he can't accomplish all the things. She said in order to get back together he has to do these things. Should he attempt? Is she trying to make it impossible so he has no chance? What are your thoughts world?
Why would he want to be with a woman that doesn't like him the way he is? I think he should be thankful she's breaking it off and he shouldn't waste any more time on her!
I totally agree with lady love! She is obviously taking the power position. Once the power balance is unequal in a relationship, one individual is going to feel marginalized and angry/hurt, and the other is going to feel empty and guilty and/or inconvenienced/irritated. Your cousin deserves to be treated like a king by a lady who he treats like a queen. That is how all relationships should be.
Your cousin must determine whether remaining as he is means more to him than taking what seems to be his only chance of being allowed to stay in a relationship with his girlfriend. I refer to the second option as taking a chance because he has no guarantee that this woman would remain with him even if he does make the drastic changes that she is demanding. She simply could be playing a cruel game with his emotions.
Personally, I wouldn't change for anyone. I'd tell some domineering princess like that to take a hike. However, your cousin must decide for himself which course offers him the best opportunity for happiness. I wish him the best.
Oh that's sad. I say move on, if she doesn't like him just the way he is, then she is not the one for him.
If it took her a year to realize that there are things about him that she would like to see change, that's her fault, I'm sure she saw things well before now.
I'd say break it off with her, tell her that if she is not happy with him the way he is then it's best that they part ways, now, because it will happen sooner or later.
Sorry if this sounds to brutal. Or insensitive, I do not mean to be.
it is sad, there really should never be a list of things to change. No one is perfect and people grow and change throught thier lives, hopefully each person will improve according to whatever THEY want to do. Not becuase its a conditon for soemone else to love them.
Its hard but he would be better off to find someone new, who understands him and accpets him the way he is.
Whether he breaks it off or she breaks it off is immaterial. The relationship is probably over and he is going hurt and need a lot of support. If he was not in a relationship for 5 years before this he is going have issues. To be fair I believe you also said his g/f actually helped him overcome some stuff so maybe he will move on. It is sad, but when you get involved with another person you risk getting hurt.
I am convinced that he must lose this girl. She does not love him if she wants to change him. At the root of love there is the acceptance. He will understand this only when he will be away from her.
In fairness to her, she may be tired of being his emotional support. Maybe that "laundry list" is about her wishing he'd look to her less for his own happiness. Either way, though, it sounds like they aren't right for each. Of course, I have no idea what's on that list, but it did occur to me that her "getting him on the road to happiness" might be a sign that he's been looking to her for more support than she can keep offering (or wants to or is able to).
The girl's "laundry list" convinces me to say, the relationship is not really for both to consummate. In love and true relationship, personal sacrifice of one for the other also has its limits and if they can't work it out on a mutual ground, the boyfriend must weigh the situation and leave to save them both from eternal misunderstandings and unhappiness.
There's a saying that women marry men hoping they'll change whereas men marry women hoping they'll stay exactly the same.
Obviously some change/growth on both sides is important.
There's many ways to look at your cousin's situation. Here are a few thoughts:
1. The girlfriend may legitimately want to stay with him but feels that after a year of helping him with his issues it's time to get more of her own needs met. Perhaps she felt he was too fragile before to approach him.
2. The cousin, being out of practice in relationships, may be oversensitive about what she's asking for.
3. If she really wanted to break up with him it would be a lot simpler to just do it. "Sorry, this isn't working for me anymore" is an acceptable out. Or "I need more space." Or "It's not you... it's me." There are many ways to cut a lover loose.
4. On the other hand, agreeing to her ultimatims is a bit like negotiating with terrorists. As soon as you give them what they ask for they up the ante.
I guess it depends on the true nature of her demands/requests.
no.. they've only been together for a year. much easier to move on rather than change for a woman handing out ultimatums. let's say he makes the changes and then another year passes and she makes a new list..? it may hurt for a while, but if he's truly on the road to happiness, I would make sure I stay true to myself. people don't give us our happiness, but may help us discover our own.
I can understand how it may be hard for your cousin to leave that situation. This woman (or girl) has been there to help him re-establish himself over the last year. You said that he has/had depression and health issues, which could make him see this girl as the reason he is better today, and not through the power of his own inner strength. He may feel that losing her will put him back to where he was.
This girl sounds like she either can no longer be in such an emotionally and mentally demanding relationship, or is just a plain old toxic girlfriend. Hopefully he can believe in himself enough to know that he is strong on his own, and is better to be alone and have loved and have an open future full of beautiful opportunities, than to feel trapped through self-infliction in a relationship where you cannot ever be yourself, having to know that the person you love does not love you for you.
I hope things work out
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