...well....here goes....my initial response?
...dump him....and quick......
There was a woman on another forum on another website that had a problem with her husband getting motivated to finish a job that he had started. So when bitching didn't work, she went the opposite direction. She has sex with him, every nite for a week. This solved her problem.
So my suggestion is to be awake and amorous when he comes home at nite every nite for a week and see if that doesn't improve communication. Also let up on the pressing him to communicate. If you no longer make a big deal of it, he may start to think you are losing interest and will make an effort to communicate on his own.
You haven't met me or the millions of other great dudes out there.
It isn't about men having trouble communicating. Your statement is unfair because it can apply to the person--not the person's sex. You are looking for someone to blame. In your first sentence, you admit to being "fed up" with your boyfriend's behavior. It is obvious to me, by reading your rant, that your expectations from this man are simply not being met. Your post of anger is the longest I've ever seen on HubPages. Let me give you some insights from this old married lady whose been around the block (and then some) when it comes to men: quite wondering about what other women have gone through and focus on yourself and your unhappiness and fixing it. All the answers are right there in your writing. When it comes to relationships, male or female, you are either happy or unhappy with the person. If they don't enhance your life and you don't enhance theirs, what's the use? It is what it is. Don't make excuses for the person's behavior or analyze them to death. You either suck it up, enjoy the ride or walk. But that, my dear, is up to you. A man who is into you goes "all in". But it looks like this guy has folded on you and cashed in his cards whenever he feels like it.
Arlene, while I do agree with the points you make, save perhaps the crudeness of the amputational (I think I've just invented a new word) approach you mention:
"You either suck it up, enjoy the ride or walk."
The point is, Kari's anger is borne of caring, as she freely admits she doesn't just want to dump him. Sure, the generalization is just that -- but you offer your own:
"A man who is into you goes "all in""
Which in my mind is just as large a generalization. I firmly believe, despite not having your experience, that people do change -- in this case, particularly if they became aware of what they were losing. I fell into a similar routine, and only once I no longer received those calls and demands for communication did it hit me like a sack of bricks.
We tried again with a humbled and wiser thooghun v2.0 and it went fantastically for years (it's now over). The fact that this man cannot even murmur a simple I love you makes it difficult for me to believe this is the case, but you never know.
I really did love her, but I was absolutely unaware of just how adrift and aloof I was until the dust had settled.
Does that make sense?
P.S your advice about over-analyzing is STOP ON, I wish I'd learned that sooner. It really boils down to confronting him openly and being willing to walk away. If it hits him, it'll hit him then, because pleas don't seem to be working.
I hope I am posting in the right box. I'm still fairly new on hubpage. First, I want to say that I agree with all the reasons you mentioned. Since you are in a serious relationship, you have every right to express your feelings and concerns regarding issues in the relationship that you are not happy with. From my experience, I can tell you that most guys are the same way. Even if they are in love you, they get freaked out by mushy conversations involving feelings and emotions. It's that fear of intimacy which makes me withdraw or distance themselves perhaps they are really busy, but I understand where you are coming from. Women make the time even if they are busy, but men when they are busy they are focused on one task & anything else don't matter when they are focused on that particular task. Your boyfriend seems like a distancer a very aloof one too. It has nothing to do with you. Maybe one day when you guys are out to dinner you might want to bring it up casually. You must really love each other when you've been together this long, but these minor things need to be discussed if you are thinking of being together down the road. Have you ever read John Grey, Why men are from mars and women are from venus? If you haven't done so, I recommend. I learned a lot more about the psychology of men after buying the entire collection. Anyways, men go through this process called the cave where they need to go once in a while to de-stress or when they need to figure out something. When they are in their cave, they don't want anyone to bother them. (not even their boys much less a woman. lol. eventually after you have given them their space, they will come back all loving. add me if you like. sorry so long. hope this helps.
thooghun, just because you are dating someone doesn't mean your are latching onto them forever and ever. Yes, people can change, but don't ever expect them to change to suit you. I'm not jumping off a cliff for someone who has made it perfectly clear that he will only communicate with me when it is convenient for him.
"I was absolutely unaware of just how adrift and aloof I was . . ." He could learn a few things from you, don't you think?
How can he be a real catch when both of you meet only on the weekend?
You are having a long distance relationship with a man; most are not like thooghun, caring and considerate.
Men in general and even some women; forget that they are in a relationship when they do not meet their partner everyday and do not get to spend time together. The same happens with married couples.
You my dear are in severe denial.
Either you can keep telling yourself that the man is awesome and you will adjust to the fact that you can hardly sense him there OR you dump him and find someone who can fulfil whatever emotional textual (deriving from text, you perverts ) needs you have.
The way I see it hun, you either do it now or 10 years downs the line.
Yeah sure. Just calm down and talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel and if he ditches, clarify that he's fast becoming a has-been for you.
...ok...other thoughts on this
- put the brakes on for yourself and keep yourself occupied during the week and let him do the communicating - he may miss it or not....btw i am not a 'game player' when it comes to relationships...changes you begin to make for yourself will be good either way (with or without him)
- the excuse of having a job that keeps him too busy/focused/or whatever to send a quick message is 'bs' in my world (it's 2011) especially when he knows it would make you feel better to be in touch and it should make him feel good at the same time.....e.g. the future - what about if you had children and he didn't communicate
- i'd take a closer look if it were me - why has a new job changed the way he used to communicate/interact with you? sometimes we don't see the answers that are right in front of us because of our values/beliefs...
- i assume you do not live under the same roof - he's free as a bird and so are you.
take care of yourself first.....
I think you are spending way too much time wondering than taking action.I have had similar problems in the past and to be honest with you,a man who truly loves you will communicate with you no matter what.Using sex as a weapon may not be the best idea if you ask me.Look for other means,find what makes him happy,quit nagging if yo have been doing that lately,show him all the love you can give and if he still doesn't reciprocate as hurtful as it may sound "move on".
It must be hard for you but I have been in similar situations. Sometimes you have to think of your own happiness and get sympathy out of the way.He might be a great guy but sometimes the silent treatment is their way of telling you they are done.If a guy is into you,no matter how busy he is,he'l always make time for you.That's my opinion.I know you are a grown woman and if you;l be honest with yourself,evaluate what you expect from life in 3,4,5 years.Do you picture life with him or do you have doubts about your happiness. There is always someone out there for you but sometimes it's hard to move on cos we are busy holding onto what is not holding onto us.Let go,give him some time,If he truly cares about you,he'll come for you but if not,Girl! be strong for yourself and someday you'll be glad you did.
Good luck !!!!
I agree with this..why torture yourself with his insensitivity?
he is not into you and that may sound harsh,but he's buying time and staying until he's ready to officially leave.
I'm sorry but I've been there so don't settle.
In a dating or marriage, when you find yourself catering to the other person and ignoring your own needs, you are sunk. Believe me, this man is certainly no catch, but you already are planning a future with him. After almost a year of his crap, you are still making excuses for him.
Don't you realize you have no power in this relationship because you are the one running around doing all the legwork? You have covered all of your bases including crying and pleading. What has this man given you in return except heartache? Do you really enjoy the drama?
Enough, already! Cut him loose and move on.
Kari, you are in denial, and your inexperience with dating sticks out like a shining star. If you are going to post a personal problem through the Forum and seek the advice of strangers, you certainly have a problem. What is comes down to is that none of us are really saying what you want to hear, and you have found your Knight with massive kinks in his shining armor. So be it.
Months or years from now, as you crawl around on the floor, trying to piece back your heart, you'll "get it". It's just not gonna happen with you right now.
Good luck with so-called prize of yours. You're gonna need it.
Guys are but default are not really open with emotions. Typically it is a masculinity thing. "We are not men if we fee!" or something like that. There are no real easy answers as to how to get him to open up, that is sadly on the guy in the end. You can poke, prod, and push to get something. But if he doesn't want to open up, then he won't.
The texting thing I will admit is something i am guilty of, but I only don't give a good reply when I want to give her my full attention. Though that's me. I will agree with the previous poster maybe get a hobby to get your mind off it and not let it eat at you. At least it will get him thinking what he is missing.
I read your question.. but havent read through everyone else's responce so I hope I am not saying the same things.
based on the limited amount of info from your intial query I would surmise that he is not into you anymore. Harsh it may be, but 9.9 times out of 10 THAT IS THE TRUTH!
And it's only going to get worse. If he was still into you (that way) he would make an effort and SURELY would not go 5 days striaght without speaking to you.
So, get out of your comfort zone confront him - tell him he either steps up or your stepping out. He will claim he will step up and will for a little bit but if my hypothesis is correct he will fade back into his habit of ignoring you.
Though I am a guy, I understand your frustration. Not all of us guys are like that. There may be some reasons why he won't text during work. At my job, we are not allowed to use our cell phones during production hours. My wife who works in an office, is sometimes so overwhelmed with the pile of work in front of her, that I often complain, without knowing how busy she is, that I don't hear from her when I text her during breaks in my work.
As far as him not communicating when you are both at home, could be that he is tired. I find a great way to break the ice with my wife is a nice massage. As soon as she feels relaxed, we can talk about anything that has her stressed out, and lets her know that if I am willing to help her relax in that way, I'm also all ears and someone she can tell the events of her day, either good or bad.
When I was with my last boyfriend he wanted to know everything I was doing all day long at work ( yes he was a controlling S.O.B) by the time I had gotten home there was nothing left to say, everything was already said in text messages or in a instant message, then he would get mad because I wasn't talking to him when we were in the same house. Which in turn made him a violent person. Thankfully he is now out of my life and out of the State.
Kari, It's possible that you may be demanding too much of his attention on his work days. I was reading one of your post. You stated that he has done plenty of sweet, unsuspecting things for you. He spends a lot of free time with you on the weekends also. That's great! Have you asked him to speak with you for just a few minutes on his lunchbreak?
I am a male.. an Alpha male, you might say.
Well, I was until I got happily married, but that's another story
Here is my painful advice....
1) You don't have a boyfriend, you have someone you date on the weekend.
2) He's just not that into you
3) He may be a great catch, but he's not in your fishing net.
4) You could do better
5) Find yourself someone you can be in a REAL relationship with
Men who are truly in love find the time to touch base with the one they love. He is not failing to communicate he feelings.. he is not communicating at all
Alpha Male sounds so sexy. Were you that werewolf on last Sunday's episode of True Blood?
no.. Alpha male is simply the term used to describe the dominate, coolest, in demand male in the tribe.
Hahahhaa! If you have to explain Alpha Male to me Greek One and need a poster to prove it, lighten up! You aren't in demand. Face it. You are married and retired from the dating scene. You are truly a legend in your own mind.
Kari, I'm willing to face the wrath of several and tell you to give it a chance. I'm one of those guys who is guilty of poor communication, and I might have lost the most wonderful woman in the world because of it. It's not necessarily that he doesn't care or that he's "not that into you"; it really could be that he doesn't know how much it means to you or that he has a whole separate idea of what it means to communicate. Only you can make the final decision, of course, but at least be very direct with him about what you need in your relationship. Give him the opportunity to tell you, yes, he can give you that or no, he can't, rather than assume anything about what his feelings are or what you mean to him.
UNCOMPROMISING AND UNYIELDING WRATH!!!!
face the truth! The writing is on the wall!
He doesnt communicate with you for 5 days straight
He doesnt' take your feelings into consideration
He tells you what you need to hear
*sigh Women always amaze me because men are (truly) so simple! IF he is into you then he WILL make an effort! That is all there is to it. If he doesn't care then he wont care to make an effort. He will instead string you along telling you what you want to hear UNTIL he finds someone he IS interested in.
Just as you can't understand why he doesn't contact you more, he might be unclear as to the importance you place on your texts, etc.. I haven't read every post in the thread, but in your initial post, your frustration seemed to be that he doesn't behave the way you do in regards to sharing feelings. If you text him a direct question unrelated to his feelings (such as "what time do you get off work tonight?"), does he answer you straight away? I'm wondering how much of what you send him requires an answer and how much is essentially a test or a gauge for how he feels. I think it's always a bad idea to share something with the expectation that he should just know the right way to respond.
Well, if it helps at all, I might not have responded properly to the "I'm feeling down this week" in the past, but it was never for a lack of caring. To some guys, "How is work going?" is an impossible question to understand. It's work. Work is work, and how he feels about it may seem to him to be altogether separate from how he feels about you. I know that was the case with me.
By the same token, just to throw this out there, he might just be uncaring. Obviously, I don't know him and I can't say for sure.
Listen sweetheart, take a number on the Love/Hate relationship thing. Bottom line is guys will be guys and girls will be girls. So maybe the option is to get a sensitive over emotional girlfriend that you can hook up with without him knowing. In fact I even know girls that do that.
Like the old saying " Can't get blood out of a stone ". And the reason is that eternally the "Man" has to be the "Rock". If you want bleeding sympathies, then watch some daytime soaps!
I get irritated when my husband doesn't answer my texts, but frequently it's because he is busy at work. I understand because I am not permitted to use my phone at work. While I get frustrated that he doesn't remember my limited window for texting, he is frustrated that I don't understand he is using his phone to communicate with his coworkers and can't stop to text me about dinner.
If your boyfriend hates texting and is busy at work, perhaps you could start a new tradition of leaving each other messages on voicemail or the answering machine, or writing love notes at the end of each date to keep and re-read until you see each other again. Corny, I know, but I love when I find little notes because I know he thought of me as he wrote it and probably a few more times while wondering if I found them yet.
I don't know how busy your boyfriend is during working hours and if he has hectic times he needs his breaks to calm down and at lunch time to relax for a while. After his shift or after work he may needs a few hours for him, to take a shower or cook something for himself then watch TV and relax. But if he is in love with you, he would call you after work and say hello.
Don't exagerate your feelings for him...give him his time. If you want to go on with this man, arrange for an open communication and talked with him about this matter, at least 2 to 3 times a week of talking each other after his work or during his or your lunch break or if you have different working hours a short text message can help the relationship more satisfying. You have the right to let him be aware of his responbility to you or he better stay alone, not with anyone. Both have to have this responbility to build a strong relationship. If you stay with him and he won't change, you will have misery in the future.
Are you so much in love with him and he not to you? Is he afraid to tell what he really feels about you? He doesn't want to hurt you so he remains..Ask him? this
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