complications of relationships

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   nomsa4posted 12 years ago

   i have a problem with my husband everytime we fight he promise to beat me, i am so scared of him right now what if he do it someday. i grew up having such a pain in my life, as i was young i got raped by my step father and my boyfriend was abusive so i went out of that relationship though it wasnt easy, and now xthis do i realy deserve this in my life i needed someone who would warm me with his arms not  hurt me, i`ve been hurt a lot of times in my life so i really dont need this drama in my life please advice, i dont want divorce but alos i dont wanna be hurt!

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   1. 64

      krsharp05posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If what you are saying is happening, you need to pack the things you love the most and leave.  Your spirit is more important than the "marriage" that is not working.  Marriage is a union which is equally loving and based on both people giving and receiving.  What exactly would you be keeping if you stay?  Just the word marriage?  I don't mean to sound callous nomsa4, I mean to tell you that your soul needs to be loved but you need to love YOU first.  People who love don't threaten and hit even if they don't follow through.  You shouldn't have to be afraid of ANYTHING.  Blessed Be.

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2. 0

   Jade0215posted 12 years ago

   Any man that ever says he's going to beat you or does, doesn't deserve to be with anyone. You don't just hit someone out of anger like that, especially if you love them. That's not love. You need to leave. Don't be another victim of spousal abuse because you hope that everything will work out and he's says he'll change. Men like that never do change. You deserve better than that, don't let him hold you back.

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3. 81

   jennshealthstoreposted 12 years ago

   I know it is really hard to leave especially when you just want it to work out. But remember being married to a person is all about love and caring. Sometimes we hurt the one we love with words by saying things in a fight, but we never should intentionally hurt the one we love. He probably knows your past and is using this to try to control you. In order for you to have a good relationship with another person you have to love yourself, and by letting someone beat you or say they are going to beat you, you are not showing yourself love. That gives the other person control of you. There has to be mutual respect in a relationship for it to work. There is none of that here. And if you do leave, before you start a new relationship work on finding out more about your own wants and needs and make sure that when you start a new relationship that you are getting what you want. Sometimes it takes a long time to find what we want, but it will be worth it when you wind up with the person of your dreams.

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4. 76

   schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years ago

   my dear nomsa,
   
   
   I must say, I understand your dilemma.
   coming from an abusive backgroud can be a hard 'habit to break'
   
   Take it from me,
   go to a codependency meeting, or al anon, or a support group. (start there) My dear, I surely wish you the best. whatever it takes, even joining a supportive church, you take care, and please let us kow how you are doing!
   
   ((hugs))
   
   

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5. 62

   lezsaysitposted 12 years ago

   Hi Nomsa,
                    Thank you for joining this site. I believe that it took courage to admit that. Your testimony is something that some would have rather kept hidden. I congratulate you for taking such a great step and imagine how sick and tired of being sick and tired you must be at this point. The fact that you let it out, tells me that you are self - aware and you've had enough. I see from your profile picture that you have a baby. Therefore you are a role model. If you can not leave for yourself quite yet, please do so for your child. Try to get a trusted friend, support group in your area and plan to leave. Take your personal information, valuables out of the house and go. If you do it in haste without a plan, it will make things worse. They have shelters for abused women and if you can just have the courage to dial that number and don't fall in love with the old " good time" memories; I assure you, you will survive and thrive. He is a weak person and sees something in you, that he is afraid to lose control over. Which is the same things that I sense you are slowly seeing for yourself. It gets better. It will get better.

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      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      +1
      
      !

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6. 68

   libby1970posted 12 years ago

   It's difficult for others to understand your situation. I know because I've been there. People can tell you until they are blue in the face to leave but until you are ready it won't happen. You have to want to get out of the relationship.
   
   This is something I always tell people who are in these relationships. If this man is willing to change, meaning he will agree to go to counseling with you, then maybe it's not a lost cause. However, if he isn't willing to go that extra mile for you and his marriage, then he isn't worth staying with.
   
   Ask him to go to counseling. If this isn't an option then I adivse you to think about your physical well-being. The next time he may not threaten, he may do it. If you have children this is not the environment you want them to be raised in. They are seeing him talk to you this way. These kids will grow up thinking this is normal behavior. Your daughter will think she is supposed to put up with that. Your son will think he is supposed to treat the woman in his life this way. It's a chain reaction that only you can stop.
   
   I've been in two failed marriages that the men were extremely abusive. My first marriage took ten years to get out of. I kept staying because I had two kids with him. All I did was cause them to have to go to couseling now. A  man's mouth can be more damaging than his fist. I would much rather be hit than mentally abused! If he is threatening you and saying mean things to you then that is just as bad as him hitting you. You have options. There are many programs out there to help you. There are even safe houses and funds set aside for women in your situation. Look in the phone book in the yellow pages or call your local food stamp office...they usually have information that will help point you in the right direction.
   
   Take a long look at yourself and realize you are worth far more than this man is treating you. And I can tell you from experience, it does not get better. It only gets worse until the threats become reality. Also there are so many good men out there who know how to treat a woman with love and respect. I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone...and it is not going to be someone who is mean and threatening violence. You deserve to be treated with love and admired. Don't take this from any man! If you are scared...leave when he is at work! Leave him a note and leave. Don't tell him where you are and go. I know it's not that easy. But if you have distant relatives or friends...maybe you can stay with them? Or you can call and get help.
   
   Good Luck

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