A Husbands Expectations.....

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   backwoodsredneckposted 14 years ago

   I was married on February 14, 2011 to the most amazin woman ever who stole my heart completely and unexpectedly. She turned my world upside down, in a good way.
   
   We were doin great when we started out and never had any issues or fights about anything. Then as soon as we got married, things changed in us both and fit hit the shan!
   
   I wasn't payin attention to it, but I started slackin on alot of things. I wasn't as cuddlin as I was, got lazy on keepin things up around the house, but most of all, I started slackin where it matters most, showing her how much I love her and what she means to me.
   
   At first she would stay on me about the upkeep on the house and chores and the likes but never said anything about bein lonely. And I now see that it's my job to see things like that. The reminders turned to lectures and then to fights and it's not somethin that I deal with well. You would think that I would get the point and stay on top of things so I wouldn't hear about it later and end up in fights, wrong. I'm a hard headed somb***h who don't learn lessons very easy.
   
   Here lately, it hasn't been as bad, not a good sign!
   
   I planned a little road trip for us, maybe things will calm down for us and get better. That's what I'm hopin for. We are goin to see some family out of town for a few days and just have a break.
   
   I'm really hopin to strengthen our marriage and maybe start realizing that what I'm doin is gonna end up ruinin my marriage and life if I keep it up.
   
   
   
   Any advice???? It's all welcome.

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   1. 60

      Coach Julieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It sounds like you've already realized that what you're doing is not working.  The key is, what are you willing to do about it?  Any relationship takes work.  Often before the wedding we have expectations on how life will be after the wedding.  Often we forget to communicate that to the other person. 
      
      If you truly want to make your wife happy and make your marriage a success, start talking.  But don't just talk, listen as well.  The trip you planned is a great idea.  It will get you away from your daily routine.  Use that trip to get to know your wife.  Before the wedding she was your girlfriend/fiance.  Now she's your wife and you are her husband,  That means for the rest of your life. 
      
      Make a plan with her that you will both work on making things better.  Start by explaining to her what your expectations were and are.  Then ask her what her expectations were and are.  When you find you're on a different page about certain things, stop and take a breath.  And start over. 
      
      You've already admitted that you started slacking on some things.  More than likely she's started slacking on some things as well.  You both have to put your thoughts on the table and then prioritize.  Is it more important to pick up your dirty underwear or to pay attention to her? Is it more important that she cook a great meal or spend time with you?  Only the two of you can decide what is most important and how you want your relationship to go.  Be sure that you each keep the other involved and communicate with each other. 
      
      There will be rough patches.  They are you signal that a growth period is here.  Use those rough patches to make the necessary adjustments so you can move forward together.  Remember what it was that you loved about each other in the beginning.  Do what you need to do to keep it fresh.  Above all else, respect each other's rights and needs as individuals. 
      
      Best of luck and congratulations on being willing to take the blame.  It's not all yours.  A successful relationship is a joint venture.

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2. 63

   prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

   As long as you know what is ruining it and you try to change for the better, then that is good. Marriage is a union and it is special, but not perfect of course. It needs constant watering for it to become healthy. Consider yourself blessed, it is always good to feel that you belong to someone and that you have the will to change for the best. Love her with care and deeper understanding. Good luck.

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3. 59

   jastor97posted 14 years ago

   It seams as though you're on the right track you've been married for a short time and have already seen your flaw. For most MEN and some women feelings/emotions get un-noticed for years, sometimes never even seen resulting in an ending of a perspectively wonderful marriage provided both are as attentative to the needs eachother requires. We all need to be loved we all have different ways of showing how we love in addition to how we recieve love. Some need touch, others need gifts, I love words and love notes, flowers - not just any flowers from a super market you dont even have to buy them. I was in the passenger seat driving on this beautiful lake road and all of a sudden the car stoppped in the middle of the road, my boyfriend (now husband) jumped out and picked the most gorgeous flowers I had ever seen. He picked one out and placed it behind my ear. "A beautiful woman deserves a beautiful flower"! I knew he was a keeper he captured by heart all over again at that very moment.

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4. 60

   backwoodsredneckposted 14 years ago

   Thank you all for the words of encouragement, in all honesty, I don't take advice very well but when it's to help my marriage it's somethin I have to swallow my pride and do.
   
   I just want her to knowthat she is my world and without her I am nothin. I didn't expect to even fall for her or anyone else because of what I've been through. Yet I did! We've just been through so much, my family takin off when they said they would help us out at the beginin, stress causin her to miscarry, etc etc.
   
   Some days she thinks it was a mistake to het married and I keep tellin her to just give it time and it will get better, she's just impatient. I know it will work out for the best, I just hope that she knows i love her with all of my heart soul and mind.

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      Coach Julieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think more than impatient, she's scared.  It sounds like you two have been through a lot.  All the more reason to stick together and communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.  She's a lucky woman to have a man like you.  Remember, actions speak louder than words and it's the little things that count,  Two over used cliches but they couldn't be more true.  Lots of luck to you both.

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5. 76

   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Awwww Bless!
   
   Only married a few weeks and the cracks are settling in already.
   
   Like those have said before me, it takes time and a lot of effort to make a marriage work.
   
   She isn't your girlfriend anymore, she's your wife. A life partner. And even couples who have lived together for years can find marriage hard.
   
   Change what needs to change, and just remember to keep talking. That is the most important thing. When one or both of your stop talking, that's heading towards the end.
   
   Never go to sleep arguing. Sort it.

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   kmackey32posted 14 years ago

   You are awesome for knowing what you are doing wrong. Im divorced and i divorced my ex for alot of reasons but what bothered me the most was feeling unloved.......

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      HattieMattieMaeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hmm well if you  have that attitude, I encourage you to keep going forward, Love dare book! Fireproof your marriage! MOvie Changing your marriage through prayer! (Book)Stormie Omartian Just gave you the best tools that make it through your marriage! Listen up! Trust me! Tried it myself! The best lifesavers! Strength, endurance, courage, time, and patience! It will get better, and better!

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7. 66

   MsQuestionposted 14 years ago

   Why do you assume everything is YOUR fault? Honestly, she sounds kind of crabby and naggy; that's something no one enjoys living with.  Maybe she could work on being a little more fun and charming to be with, huh?  You probably do your share.  do you work?  Stop letting her order you around!  There are lots of nice girls out there who wouldnt!

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8. 60

   backwoodsredneckposted 14 years ago

   I see what you're sayin, but MOST of it is my fault, atleast 97%. I love her with all my heart and no matter what, she is my wife and I'll do what I have to do to fix it.

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   CharlieNikholeposted 14 years ago

   Oh yes she sounds terrible lol
   She knows you love her and I am sure all she wants is more communication. Your better with writing then talking about things so why not just try that? Write it.

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    SandyMcCollumposted 14 years ago

    My son had the same thing happen. He got married, and thought he didn't need to romance her any more because they're married. He stopped giving hugs and little kisses and expected her to be happy with it. He's divorced now, but has learned an important lesson. Treat others as you wish to be treated, even if you're married. Good luck, I hope it all works for you. It sounds like you're going to do the right things.

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11. 83

    GmaGoldieposted 14 years ago

    Sadly marriage and relationships don't come with rule books.  The work is still needed.  Yes, after the big ceremonies, we want to slip into comfortable and just be laid back - neither side can afford to do this.
    
    This is true for marriage and then there are children and the boundaries and the nice way of asking and setting the boundaries come into play.
    
    There is no fault except in not trying.  You are waking up, smelling the coffee, recognizing the change and YOU can redirect it.
    
    The effort is worth it - hang in there - you are doing great!
    
    PS I had a difficult talk with my first husband after 6 months - where are the flowers?  where is date night?  what is this? etc.... it happens...luckily I took the time and worked at communicating and we had a fabulous marriage - no bumps later - it is possible.
    
    Best of luck to you and new bride.

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12. 78

    AEvansposted 14 years ago

    Both people should work together as a team when they are married. Share equally in the responsibilities of the house and the children. Take time for each other and do little special thing to remind each other that they are important. It is 50/50.

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13. 69

    zob2zobposted 14 years ago

    Hi,
    Forgive me but have some faith in yourself, and taking advice? you don't need any, you got the answers, its just self discipline & will power that you lack.
    Its hard to change and easy to let things slip,
    but you know whats harder usually to see the mistakes, especially your own.
    I think that you will have a long and sucessful marriage, simply for the fact you can anyalise the things which aren't right. Maybe it would merely take a rota list or a list of some type pinned to the fridge. As then you know where you are at. Marriage can be overwhelming at the start.
    Also I'm sure your wife would appreiciate your honesty and value the fact that you are a man who can see where you are going wrong, so I hope that you use your insight to score an opening into building back the goodtimes!!
    Best of Luck!!

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14. 61

    pajamazzonposted 14 years ago

    some marriages have unrealistic expectations like everything would turn out like the Brady bunch or picture perfect.
    
    The reason why you're slacking off is that you think you've done everything in your bucket list and the last thing is getting married. That you already got a gorgeous woman for a wife, have a nice home, have a good job and everything.
    
    The best thing to do is talk to your wife. A lot of husbands think this is a lost art, because they think its one soap opera.

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    4tuneposted 13 years ago

    Your already on the right track wanting to do something about it, Just communicate always your desire to love her right, That is TOPS any guy can do, Most don't care to find out and think we really think like they do, That's it's all about finances and supporting us with things.. NO the majority of us are EMOTIONAL first and seek TRUST before your financial aid, So simple I  will never for the life of me figure out why so many guys insist to ignore this fact.
    
    Maybe finances are easier for them than a hug I dunno? : (

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