Just A Little Sign Lord?
So I want the truth, direction, I want to center. I want to do God’s will.
Now most of you kind folks just make a quiet note to come back and read this some other time. It's okay. It's okay if you get busy and forget too (wink wink). This is too long. You might be able to just glance at key words and get the spirit or the gist of it all. It's just a boring birthday wish story, and I will drag it out unmercifully. So, feel free to skip to the bottom and just give me a "thanks for sharing or just hit a couple buttons or just "make a note to come back". Thank you.
I am told by the greatest teachers that I should worship. So I am the least of any least. I want to obey a benevolent God. The road is so steep. It’s rutted out. It’s slippery. It’s continuous.
I wanted to do well. I wanted to excel.
It's not my will.
What can I do for You Lord?
So I haven’t proven myself worthy of a small breeze from God.
I have made some bad choices, it seems. It stays hazy all the time. I can hardly see through some of the muck. There’s a lot of fog on this road.
God’s will is not for me to be stronger.
I’m supposed to be weaker now.
But could I get a small sign for a little "direction" Lord?
I arose after 4 AM.
I heard from my bedroom, a small rattling noise.
In the Kitchen was a tiny mouse caught in a “humane” trap I had actually put some peanut butter in back in the winter.
So I ask for a small sign.
I guess a small mouse could be a small sign.
I have no idea what You could mean, so I'll look some more for a small sign.
Thank you Lord!
I thought I had found a good combination for a great bike ride. It seemed to work weeks ago. I rest up really well the day and night before the ride. I get up easily at 4 AM or so. I take one hydrocodone. It’s prescribed. But this isn’t to get an unfair edge. This is to keep me from popping out of a group ride from a headache, a pain in my neck, and pain through my right shoulder. But the whole right side is a mess, blah, blah.
I smear a "theralgesic" balm on a bunch of rough places. Two layers.
But the real deal I’m speaking of is that I thought I had a good formula. Take one hydrocodone at 4:30. Eat a little yogurt. Take another at 6:30. Eat a little more yogurt. Ride at 8 AM for about 10 miles to the start of the ride.
The ride didn't go as painless as I had hoped. I felt it was disastrous. My pain was terrible and I was popped out. I just turned around and limped home.
The hydrocodone didn't work except my head would feel “mushy” for the rest of the day ?!
And it seemed a shame. I thought I had my pain covered with “my” system. I was determined that if I held that pain off that would go with all my heart and try to win the Mebane city limit sign sprint.
This wasn't for anything but a "sign".
By all means I would not want to have people think I’m a fast person. I only pretend. I have to use trickery in the sprint because most of these guys are really what we’d say “stronger” than me. But if I could stay fresh with these fellows and use their draft at the right time I might be able to take a city-limit sign. Of course millions of other cyclists will be absent that day. But this wouldn't be a holy grail or something.
Silly really. Wanting a sign.
I thought, maybe, I could do a little something for You Lord. Maybe with God’s blessing and this numbing medicine could make me think for a moment I was a little better person. I did want to see what I could do.
But the real deal is I just don't care for my role here and I'm ready for a new existence. And, whatever this body can do or whatever I can do, is for God. You can say it would hopefully shine good on the world.
Fact is though, it's unimportant. If I have to I will sell my bikes and go to Belize or another tropical spot and distance myself from giving a flip.
Next year would be my 31st year of the Assault on Mount Mitchell. I think I should quit now and allow Nick Dolby catch me. Nick has 29 years of Assaulting Mount Mitchell. Then the following year Nick could pass me. He could hold the record of Mitchell Assaults with 31.
I could keep doing Mitchell for at least another decade or more depending on how things went, but free is what I want to be.
I think I'll free myself of as much bondage as possible.
Maybe world traveler on a budget is what I need to be.
Maybe somewhere just walk into a sunset.
I thought I was making a sacrifice or I thought I was suffering and enduring and I wanted to see something special whether it was cycling or something else, anything else. I wanted to see God. Maybe I was wanting to see God more on my demand (somehow) than I should have been. But I’m okay with it all. I’m certainly not hung-up on wanting to succeed at something so frivolous.
But I am in a position to see through this veil of falseness that permeates our lives. I want to retire. I want to dis-involve myself. I don’t want discord. I don’t want to spend time revealing the truth to anyone.
So, I guess I want to shirk what seems to be God’s will for me.
God has an amazing sense of humor.
I could be sorry for not being able to laugh at kismet, fate, to laugh with God.
Always looking up and obedient and only seeing a light vapor in outer space.
But maybe this is an illusion that God will allow us.
But I intensely wanted to see God recently.
I really thought I needed new direction.
I wanted new direction.
I wanted to get shed of the onus of spewing the truth, uncontrollably.
Which way now Lord?
I don’t have a map.
I don’t have a GPS for this.
I’m at the fork in the road, Lord.
A voice Lord?
A nudge Lord?
A sweet smell?
A stiff wind Lord?
Just a small breeze?
Just a small sign Lord?
So I was sent a mouse?
I was more frustrated.
What is the interpretation?
I felt a little hurt that God didn’t seem to want to help me help Him but He didn’t mind seeing me getting my but kicked around on an eternal basis.
So I was sent a mouse?
So after a day of bike riding and suffering as much pain as I could stand, I just limped
on back home.
Is that your answer?
Will you please Lord?
Give me a tiny sign Lord?
So I wander around Micky Deeville and there sauntering under the couch was a roach.
Sauntering, staggering- he just wasn’t scurrying.
So I commit a “mercy” killing. Mercy on me though. I just have to lift the couch over after dragging it out and tilting it over.
But- the roach is dead.
Hadn't seen a roach in the house, ever before or since.
So, Lord? Is this another "small sign" of yours?
Cause you know Lord, I love funny stuff.
I'm trying to see the humor from Your perspective though.
That's got to be hilarious from Your point of view.
Good one Sir.
I just wanted a small sign to say to me, "Micky, I'm the Lord, Your God. I will never leave you."
That's all I was asking.
I want to believe in You Lord.
But sometimes I think I know the way and somebody's tossing banana peels in the path.
I want to have faith Lord.
You know, I tried to walk on water that time.
Yes Sir. We know how that came out.
My attempts at flying were cut way short of what I was hoping.
I didn't mean to cause any trouble, confusion, disappointment, or displeasure.
I just wanted a little sign. That's all.
Thank you Lord.
I'll take this as some small sign, Lord.
I appreciate it too.
I still don’t know which way to go.
But You know Lord?
You needn’t bother with anymore signs.
Thank you though.
God bless you God!
The other mice and roaches better get the word to stay out of my house and there won't be any trouble.
I’m fine Lord. I’m still watching my step and trying to watch Your sense of humor, because You are funny Sir!
So my day gets off to a great start for the following day.
First thing I have to tell some folks that their history is non-existent.
God, You have appointed me "history teacher".
I never asked to be the corrector of past and current events.
Now- You even have me predicting the future!
But a drunken fool can do that!
There's a huge herd of elephants jack-knifed on top of train-wreck of jack-asses.
Anybody can see this!
God, if I tell these folks that carrots are good for their eyesight, they will poke my eyes out with a carrot!
They will poke my eyes out with a carrot, Lord!
What's that Lord?
You say it's best that I don't "see" what's coming next!
Yes Sir! That's real funny Lord.
Yes Sir. My right side, particularly, is splitting. Yes Sir!
I live alone.A hermit!
Almost no visitors.
I have a bit of agoraphobia.
What's that Lord?
Yes Sir! My poverty does help with my agoraphobia. And I do appreciate not being able to afford to leave the house. Thank you Sir.
Poverty keeps me close to your people, I'm not sure they recognize me as one of yours though.
I always doubt that I am the "messenger" needed here.
I am compelled to “set the record straight”.
Like people are going to change because of my WalMart greeter ways!
Yes Sir, I know you don't care much for sarcasm.
Sir? Right! It's "my" sarcasm You don't care for.
But You see Sir! I never know when You're kidding.
I'll take this to be one of those times You're not kidding.
So Lord, you send me onto the hubs with my fatal curiosity but also this duty of "doing unto others as I would have them do unto you".
I go by Freya Cesare's hub. She has a video about a young man from Greenville, SC.
He spent time searching for God in Christianity.
He’s now a man finding God in Islam.
He found the same intricacies that showed discrepancies, that I have found in teachings.
I watch a video for an hour and 20 minutes.
I can’t find an argument with this man.
I have seen the same vision in another way.
Now I miss my appointment for physical therapy for my shoulder.
I feel bad about
missing the appointment. I forgot. And the day should have been remembered. It's the day before my birthday.
I drive to apologize. I apologize to the receptionist.
She’s very kind. They were too busy and had some walk-ins. One therapist was out.
They were over
loaded. Everything is fine.
I go by Whole Foods.
As I’m leaving, a “man of faith” walks straight toward me and is very near,
and looking straight in my face. I nod and make a small smile/grin. He has a white collar. He’s Catholic? He’s Episcopalian? He’s definitely not “free-wheel Baptists”.
He continues to look directly into my eyes but never acknowledges me.
So. I guess God has given me my answer.
God gave me "an" answer.
Even if it was small.
Thank You Lord.
Whatever You give me is fine and I thank You Lord!
I ask for a sign. I see failure as always.
I ask for a small sign. You send me a small rodent.
I ask for a small sign. You send me a roach.
Thank You Lord!
Well Lord, the scriptures I've read are true.
Ask and you shall receive.
It's just that...ouch!
Very funny Lord!
You know I had malaria.
You know I hate Mosquitoes!
I hate the bite, the blood, the constant buzzing...
Thanks anyway Lord.
Small signs eh Lord?
A mouse. A roach. A mosquito.
You know Lord, I love and worship You, but just forget it.
I'm just a little frustrated with comedy right now.
I may as well have some of this "illy" gourmet coffee.
I've never had any.
Today's my birthday and I just want to do a little something to change my mind and treat myself.
It's pretty plain You don't care to give me a little clear sign to let me know that I matter.
Frankly God- I was really hoping for just a little more of a sign. Something a little more pleasurably exciting than a "holy man" who is stuck up, a bad painful bike ride with yucky drugs, a mouse, a roach, and a mosquito. But THANKS ANYWAY LORD!
Gee! You ask for a little sign!
Well I'll open this fresh can of this wonderful coffee and at least the rest of the day will be fine!
A pull tab!
Ah! This is so fresh...POW!
Oh- very, very funny Lord!
Finally an ACT of God!
There's a huge pile of exploded coffee everywhere- but this was dramatic.
That was loud!
Actually scared me too Lord.
Good one! Thumbs up Sir!!!
You got me good! I'm sorry I ever doubted You. Now-that was funny!
Pow! Coffee everywhere! I'd high five You if I could Sir!
You didn't do that? Read the can? Yes Sir!
No. 1-STOP! SSSSS
No. 2-Lift the ring slowly to let the gas out.
No sir, I don't need to see the rest of the instructions.
Yer Sir. It's written in several languages. Yes Sir. Even Chinese.
Well what about the Mouse?
Right. Mice come in periodically. You're right Lord.
Lazy cats next door. Probably liberals!
Came in from a bag in storage?
Even the mosquito Lord? Just chance?
You say You want to keep me guessing?
Amazingly wonderful sense of humor!
As always- thank You Lord!
It's still a little amusing.
Maybe twistedly so.
It almost leaves one with sense that You did "stop" by.
Regardless- I'll try to do what I think would be in Your Will.
Well my birthday ride occurs and I just float through it and I'm surprised that the hill that usually bothers me came and went without a thought because I was thinking of these "mind tricks" or God tricks. And it occurs to me that maybe this too is God working in mysterious ways. I get home, but I don't want to stop. I feel good. Do I go downtown and eat outside at a local cafe? Maybe. I ride and a black man who trims hedges or mows or something was very delightful. We wave and he is smiling as I ride my bicycle by him. Yes.- this is worth the extra few blocks.
I'll check out the local cafe and if the service is fast and nice I'll eat. So I sit. The two gentlemen look directly at me and ignore me even though I speak to them. A passer by does the same thing. A little time has gone by. No menu. No waitress.
It's a beautiful and great day so far!
The sun is shining and my bike is rolling fine.
American Tobacco Company
An evening of music and great food is ahead. My buddy Dave of 30 years still likes me. He talks me out of the house.
North Carolina Public Radio is in the old American and "new" American Tobacco Company.
Tonight there is "live" out-door music.
Bring a folding chair. Have a beer. Or not. A hat seems to help.
Don't let Lucky Strike you!
I hope I remember the name of the Singer before I publish this.
Guess not huh?
Can I buy you a Margarita Senorita?
The Cuban Revolution! Great food! Great company!
The Miami Mafia make a resurgence! Look- there's Micky Dork...oops Dee!
On the left is Irley. She is David's love and life.
On the right is David. David has been my friend for 30 years.
I can depend on Dave to be my friend!
Isn't that pretty darn cool?
Dave treated me tonight. I expected as much.
He's just that way!
I locked my keys up in my truck the other day while I was shopping..
Dave brought me a set that he keeps for me.
I know I'm going to screw up.
I can depend on Dave if I have a booboo!
I had Corn and Shrimp Chowder. I like trying different corn chowders.
It was a pretty large night! There was no dancing though!
Eating out-doors. Very much like it was thousands of years ago.
Except furniture is much lighter now.
There are many shops and restaurants in the American Tobacco Company.
And a peaceful time was had by all!
So, what have I learned from my signs?
I've learned that if I ask God for a sign that signs will fall out of the sky.
I have learned I will be sent in four directions.
I have learned that I need to adhere to the Golden Rule and look to no other religion or man for leadership.
I have learned that a new wind is blowing and this wind will blow me off the bicycle.
I have learned that I'm not needed in "this" cycling anymore.
The pain in my neck and shoulder is strong and pretty continuous.
I hate "giving up".
I didn't give up.
God has grabbed me by the neck and shoulder and has said "that's all folks".
I remember the day. I rubbed a pain relieving balm all over the shoulder.
I took two hydrocodones.
Hydrocodones didn't work at all.
The balm didn't work at all.
I remember the moment of another excruciating pain permeating my upper body.
I remember moving left, out of the pace-line,
and knowing without doubt- "this is it".
"Group riding" ain't going to be what it was!
There will be more solo rides.
I have learned that a change is coming.
I have only reinforced what I knew already.
Ride a bike! Ride a bike! Ride a bike!
More poems by Micky Dee
The Long Distance Man