ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I'm A Hypochondriac- With The Wrong Placebos!

Updated on July 19, 2010
Click on each picture for a larger size.
Click on each picture for a larger size.

It was always this way,

Even in the womb!

It was hot and clammy,

And hardly any room!


You might think I’m silly,

But I’m losing my sense of smell.

I don’t think that I’m getting better,

As for as I can tell.

I find it hard to breathe,

Out of one side of my nose!

I’ll try to keep this short,

There’s simply too much to disclose!

I’ve been weak for about a week.

My future’s looking bleak!

I can no longer make a fist!

Is it the cyst that’s on my wrist?

Of course there’s another,

Right here on my knee.

My eyes are going bad,

And I can hardly see!

I can’t keep taking risks!

I have several bulging discs.

I have arthritis from head to toe.

And I’m getting really slow.

I’m stuck in my rut.

I have a swollen nut.

And a stitch in my gut,

And hemorrhoids up my butt.

Yes, I’m in quite a conundrum,

With swelling in my thumb!

Along with my swollen “plum”,

I have a hernia in my scrotum.

I’ve been in wreck after wreck!

Yes, I’m getting older,

I have pain in my neck,

My upper back, and shoulders!

There is so much I could address!

“Accidents” have taken me down a peg.

So I have pain and numbness,

Through my hips, and down my leg.

So how can in hell I get well?

With all that’s wrong with me.

I have enough pain for a fair the well!

I even see fire when I pee!

My chiropractor is a quack.

He loves to whack and crack!

Pain runs through my lower back !

If there’s pain to have, I have a knack.

Surely, I must have erred,

I’m getting a little scared!

This physician that I chose.

He’s giving me the wrong placebos!

My hernia is a misery,

And will soon require some surgery.

I haven’t slept for insomnia!

I’m sure it’s due to my hypochondria!

You’d think this would be enough.

You think I’d get some slack.

But now I have some dandruff,

And they say I’m a hypochondriac!

Now how in the hell,

Can I get well?

Heaven only knows!

Here I am- a hypochondriac- and they’re giving me the wrong placebos!


by Micky Dee





I apologize for a wee bit of crude language above -but honestly- I think I'm only calling a spade a spade.

I actually have all the problems stated above.

Well, not the fire, but the rest!

I'm in okay shape for a 80 year old man.

Unfortunately I'm only 60 and a half!

I am a little inconsistent with nagging minor afflictions.

This is what we get when we grow older.

God bless!



Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Sa`ge profile image

      Sa`ge 7 years ago from Barefoot Island

      You did slip in under that radar in more ways then one! ha ha ha! I wonder how many trees are in that forest? or how many the cut down, but they did say it was still a forest, right? You think we can go camping there?

      But no, all the aches and pains,

      it has us in chains,

      oh me oh my from my head to me toes,

      no one really knows.

      now I will bring this to a close.

      Have a great day, remember, I know!

      but what do I know? ~aloha nui loa~

    • Freya Cesare profile image

      Freya Cesare 7 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

      So our prince charmin in big pain? Ah, it is so sad to heard that. God bless you, Micky. You always able to brought a smile in every situation. turned everything bad become something funny. It is really great gift.

    • blark profile image

      blark 7 years ago from Minneapolis, Minnesota

      Well done! Great poem, funny comics to go along with it. I like!

    • AuthorSteve profile image

      AuthorSteve 7 years ago from Hawaii

      Epic collection of funny comics... This deserves an upvote AND an awesome vote ;-)

      Thanks for creating this hub.

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 7 years ago from Great Britain

      Brilliant Micky except the thought of all your real aches and pains. I hope there is some real medication to help you. Laughter is the best medicine, they say but not if it rips your stitches out. Love you, man Dim x

    • Petra Vlah profile image

      Petra Vlah 7 years ago from Los Angeles

      Micky dear,

      Your good nature and sense of humor should cure every pain. Stay away from doctors since they are the ones who turn normal people into hypochondriacs so they can make sure their business is always "healthy" and we are always sick

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Yo Sa`ge my Dear! I have magnesia too! "CRS"? I forgot about Prince of Charmin!

      Can we not attain,

      Unless there is some pain?

      I get so sick and tired,

      Of being so sick and tired! ~aloha nui loa~

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Yo Freya Cesare! You are always so kind. Your heart is beautiful! God bless you Dear!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Thank you very much blark! Happy hubbing!

      Howdy AuthorSteve! Thank you Sir!

      Dim Flaxenwick- I love you Girl! Don't tell your hubby or cat!

      Thank you Petra, my Dear! You always have the wise advice! God bless Petra!

    • Springboard profile image

      Springboard 7 years ago from Wisconsin

      When you wrote, "I have a swollen nut. And a stitch in my gut, And hemorrhoids up my butt," I must tell you I felt a little stabbing pain...

      Very witty and fun diatribe. It was that, no? :) Great stuff.

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Yo Springboard! I am sorry for that pain! You be careful with that pain! If it gets bad - you know -we all have to stand for something!

    • MFB III profile image

      MFB III 7 years ago from United States

      There's a con In hypochondriac that no hypodermic needle can fix, when we hype ourselves up to be sicker then we really are, but oh what sweet release when the doc tells us that everything is fine. until the next time some strange bump or pain sets us off on the poor once more.

      Loved the cartoons~~~MFB III

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      MFB!!! Do I look alright? I don't feel well you know! I've had weak back for about a week back! It is always so nice to see the maestro's face over here! God bless brother MFB!

    • Darlene Sabella profile image

      Darlene Sabella 7 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

      OMG, I truly lmao, this was fantastic, Micky Dee you are hysterical what a great and funny hub, I love this, keep writing my friend, you lift my spirits and everyone else's for that matter...

    • Rossimobis profile image

      Chibuzo Melvin Mobis 7 years ago from Biafra

      "There is no known disease casing your symptom bu don't worry,we will create one"...Bro this is the problem facing us today,our leaders create so many sickness for us but whatever be the case, i enjoyed the poem from start to finish.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 7 years ago from England

      Hi, Mickey, ha ha I couldn't stop giggling! absolutely brilliant you certainly got the gift of being a great poet! even a very unhealthy one! is there any part of you that doesn't hurt???? okay, don't answer that! lol cheers nell

    • saddlerider1 profile image

      saddlerider1 7 years ago

      Yup Micky I would take Petra's advice. Doctors will only overdose you so they can get you hooked on keeping your medicine cabinet full. Remember we are old warriors, so just have to suck it up like a man:0) he he

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Look at you guys! All you good folk up above me here!

      Thank you Darlene. Everybody needs to send you and your daughter some prayers and good thoughts! God bless you Dear!

      Yo Rossi Bro! If we aren't sick just wait until after the next election!!!

      Ah! My Sweet Nell Rose! Thank you Dear. I hiked today and found new places that hurt really good!

      Saddlerider Dude! I haven't taken a pain med in a years but I took two hydracodones the other day for the first time in that year or so. Just to ride! Oh well!

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 7 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      Very funny poetry... it really captures hypochondria alright!!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Yo! Carolina Muscle! These are real pains I'm imagining! Thank you Sir!

    • CYBERSUPE profile image

      CYBERSUPE 7 years ago from MALVERN, PENNSYLVANIA, U.S.A.

      What a way to start the day. Your Hub is so funny it had me rolling on the floor. Great and I truly loved them all. Good job Micky Dee.

    • BobbiRant profile image

      BobbiRant 7 years ago from New York

      I love the cartoons, especially the one about stay away from the pot, it's a dangerous drug. We have a saying in the nursing home: "The further away from a doctor the elderly are, the healthier they will be." In nursing homes, you go in with one ailment, and they will create several more for you. :0)

    • poetvix profile image

      poetvix 7 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

      Too funny! My face is actually hurting from laughing so much. Hmmmm should I see my doctor for that?

    • Loves To Read profile image

      Loves To Read 7 years ago

      Oh ain't it fun to be growin' old Mickey. Very good poem and the part about placebos is pretty much right on.

      We used to laugh about going to the local Doc. We would meet others from the clinic, now in the Pharmacy and we would all be getting the same antibiotic. We would talk about our ailments and then conclude that this was the pill of the month. Loved the pics too.

    • Nikkij504gurl profile image

      Nikkij504gurl 7 years ago from Louisiana

      nice lol love the comics, good one mickey d. i think ill stick to the "bad drug" lol than take all them damn pills

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 years ago from TEXAS

      I just loved this poetry - you're GOOD - and was preparing to tell you what two of my favorite buddies already did! STAY AWAY FROM DOCTORS. It's the secret of a long and healthy life. - or certainly healthy for as long as it's gonna be anyway.

      STAY AWAY FROM DOCTORS was advice I heard a 104 year old woman who still played golf tell Jay Leno (well one of those hosts) - and it echoed what my parents lived by. The best "medicine" is preventative self-help and if one gets in trouble, either find a home cure or use the doctor as little as possible for it.

      Of course if you're hell-bent on hurting yourself, well you will need some doctoring. My parents had to make exceptions for my many broken bones as a kid and my eye problems. But as soon as possible we tended to them at home.

      I'm not a no-doctor religious fanatic but most of the visits to them people make are superfluous, but doctor-encouraged. I mean - if they're doing their jobs of curing people and/or keeping them well, they just won't have much business or many jobs to do. And all that expensive medical school goes virtually to waste. The student loans don't get paid off. And the life-style that goes-with being a physician down-grades. So - what else can they do but try to build their business?

      Question becomes - why do the widows and other aready financially stressed folks have to take up the slack, plus getting sicker in the "bargain"? - I lose the word usely.

      hehe

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      BobbiRant- you are "spot on"! Like these "other" recommendations by docs are OK.

      poetvix- if you keep laughing and smiling you face will freeze like that!

      Loves To Read- At least that doc was giving you the right placebo heh?

      Nikkij504gurl- yeah, let's leave the bad stuff alone!

      Hi Nellieanna- I appreciate doctors who care. I've met better ones lately through the VA. I'm not impressed with the bills from them and bills like my mother ran up "over-night" literally to almost $4000. But any hoo- These pains I am imagining seem very real! Thank you Nell! God bless you!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 7 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Yes Micky, i like funny better, but i couldn,t help but notice that u had a little political medicaid at the end haha The cartoons were cute too

      you know what the hypochondriac had engraved on his head-stone, I told you all that i was sick.

    • Timothy Donnelly profile image

      Timothy Donnelly 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Hey Micky Dee, you made me laugh again! I loved reading this one; it's as good as any medicine - and you can share it too!!!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Central Oregon

      Good heavens! Your poem was incredible and had me laughing out loud - how true it all is! But the cartoons are too hilarious as well. How ever did you find them all? Marvelous job!!!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Hey Always Exploring! I'm glad you had a good time. Funny is what I always want to do. I have to do what the heart/heart tell me.

      Howdy Timothy! I'm glad you had a good laugh.

      Thank you akirchner! Now you watch out for those placebos!

      God bless!

    • profile image

      SilverGenes 7 years ago

      Well now it could be worse - you could be Mrs. Krantz. (I'm still on the floor with that one!) Your poem is one that should be taken as often as needed thought there may be side effects. My cheeks still hurt! :)))

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Micky Dee-this is one of my favorites ever! What amazing and wonderful rhymes!

      And the cartoons...have you ever seen "Funny Times?" It's a monthly newsletter that has the same sort of humor-quite black...and MARVELOUS!

      Check it out!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      SilverGenes- that is so cool! Thank you Dear!

      Yo Lorlie!!! Thank you Love! I had a prescription for "Funny Times" years ago. I really miss it. We used to save them and recycle them with friends or read them over.

      God bless!

    • Steele Fields profile image

      susan beck 7 years ago from drexel hill,pa

      Nothing like a good rhyme scheme and unusual rhymes at that. I thought you did a great job with the humor and wit throughout. Thanks!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Thank you Steele Fields! Watch those placebos now!

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 7 years ago from South Africa

      Micky - this is simply great! In the spirit of empathy can say "I feel your pain" in all sincerity. Espeically liked this description of my situation: "I have arthritis from head to toe. / And I’m getting really slow." Definitely feel your pain, buddy!

      Love and peace

      Tony

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      We all have something Tony. Thank you Sir! God bless!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      Howdy cnocera! Thanks for stopping! I'll check it out.

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 7 years ago

      I don't have any mental health problems or physical aches or pains because I cleanse myself and purify myself in the goodness and the greatness of Doctor Dee's hubs - and for that I will live a long life!!!!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      God bless you epigramman! May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live!

    • profile image

      hubpageswriter 6 years ago

      Funny hub, makes me laugh and smile all at once. Hub up.:)

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      Thank you very much for coming by hubpageswriter!

    • katiem2 profile image

      katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

      Great stuff, I'm still LMAO oh how good this is, great read and so well written. Thanks for the great roll, insane insane again, I love it! Peace dear friend :)

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      Yo Katie! You feel good- I feel good! Thank you Ma'am!

    • billyaustindillon profile image

      billyaustindillon 6 years ago

      Had a laugh here Micky - your poetry is great, comics are brilliant and the message is loud and clear - prevention is better than cure!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      Let's stomp out hypochondria with the right placebos!

    • fastfreta profile image

      Alfreta Sailor 6 years ago from Southern California

      Micky Dee this is one of the funniest hubs to date. From the poem to the drawings, it was great. I especially like the Zetox one, reminds me of the new medications that treat heretofore manageable ailments, with meds that have deadly consequences. I looooooved it.

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 6 years ago from Australia

      Great hub Micky Dee. If hypochondria had the right placebos, the pharmas would be out of business. Now that's something to aspire for.

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      Jewels! Great comment! You put a gleam in me eye!

    • Micky Dee profile image
      Author

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      Hey Fastfreta! You are a delight! Thank you Dear Freta!

    Click to Rate This Article