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Atheists Are Funny. Aren't They?

  1. profile image0
    Emile Rposted 4 years ago

    At least one Hubber has implied (well, not implied but boldly stated) in another thread currently active that atheists are humorless narcissists. I don't believe it.

    To dispel this notion before it steamrolls into a vicious rumor I implore atheists to come forward and share a joke. Or two. Any joke will do, but I think they should be ones making fun of religion; inasmuch as this is a religion/philosophy forum. And, perhaps one or two making fun of atheists also. To show you can laugh at yourselves too.

    1. Uninvited Writer profile image83
      Uninvited Writerposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      http://s1.hubimg.com/u/7633712_f248.jpg

      1. profile image0
        Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        That's pretty funny!

    2. Ericdierker profile image78
      Ericdierkerposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Preacher man declares at a church social: There are no atheists in fox holes. Combat veteran replies -- sure there are, they are still there.

      Preacher man falls overboard from a cruise ship. He is destined to die because no notices of cares he is gone. He prays for God to save him.
      A party boat of hookers comes by, he rejects the saving saying, "God" will save me. A party boat of gays comes by, he rejects the saving saying "God will save me". A pirate ship comes by and again he rejects them saying "God will save me". Of course he drowns. In being rejected at the gates he asks "why God did you not save me?" God replies, oh ye of little faith, I sent three boats to save you.

      Pompousness in any belief will leave you dead.

    3. Li Galo profile image84
      Li Galoposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I don't have a joke to contribute... I'm not allowed to since I'm not an atheist, Lol... but I just wanted to share that I love the humor here.  One of my very dear friends is atheist and not all Christians are out to convert or "out to get you."  Thank you very much for all the laughs.  Just what I needed to feel good today!  Have a great rest of the day!

  2. Uninvited Writer profile image83
    Uninvited Writerposted 4 years ago

    http://s2.hubimg.com/u/7633765_f248.jpg

    1. profile image0
      Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol On both of them.

      I love Calvin and Hobbs.

      1. profile image0
        Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        OMG - there are OTHER Math Atheists?  I need to find them.

        That was great!

  3. Zelkiiro profile image87
    Zelkiiroposted 4 years ago

    To quote George Carlin: "Religion has actually CONVINCED people...that there's an invisible man! Living in the sky! Who watches everything you do, every minute of every day! And the invisible man has a special list of TEN THINGS HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO DO!! And if you do ANY of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send YOU to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever, 'TIL THE END OF TIME!! ...But he loves you!"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPOfurmrjxo

    1. profile image0
      Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sure it is funny when George Carlin says it. Or maybe not. Sometimes his humor falls a little flat. Out of curiosity, did you laugh when you first heard that? Could you give us an example of another joke (perhaps not relating to religion) that you find amusing? That may not be the best vehicle to showcase your humor. Not everyone laughs at the same things and that may be an example of a statement  which might prove the opposite point we are attempting to make here. Everyone needs to at least chuckle.

      Do try again. Thanks. smile

  4. JMcFarland profile image89
    JMcFarlandposted 4 years ago

    If you and a group of friends are meandering through the woods and you encounter a bear, keep one thing in mind.  You do not have to outrun the bear.  You only have to outrun the slowest one of your friends.  The moral of the story:  make slow friends.

    (it's not really that funny - but I couldn't resist because I saw the typical "bear vs atheist" joke in the other thread)

    1. Zelkiiro profile image87
      Zelkiiroposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      It's a hell of a lot funnier than the story it references.

      1. JMcFarland profile image89
        JMcFarlandposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        agreed

    2. profile image0
      Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I've heard that one. It did make me smile.

  5. profile image0
    Rad Manposted 4 years ago

    Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
    Waiter: Praying.
    Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
    Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.


    http://s3.hubimg.com/u/7635798_f248.jpg


    http://s3.hubimg.com/u/7635806_f248.jpg


    http://s4.hubimg.com/u/7635819_f248.jpg

    1. profile image0
      Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I already knew you weren't a narcissist. Now we see that you have a good sense of humor. Nice jokes. smile

      1. Castlepaloma profile image30
        Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Like the one with the atheists boyfriend, worships her only

        The Sun and women are the only thing wroth worshiping daily

        1. profile image0
          Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          Two things we can't live without.

        2. profile image0
          Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          I believe there is a day of the week allotted for the Sun. All other days should probably be spent in the worship of women.

          1. Castlepaloma profile image30
            Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

            By the way, I have a new non-religious girlfriend (for a change).
            We are crazy about each other, life is on a better track again.

            Thanks, for your encouragement Emile

            1. profile image0
              Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

              Congratulations castle. I wish you both the best. You seem like such a sweetheart. Tell her at last one Hubber thinks she is a very lucky girl.

              1. profile image0
                Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                I don't know if I'd call him a sweetheart, no offence it's just not a word I'd you to describe a guy, but I'm glad he found a non-religious girl friend. The religious ones will alway want to change you.

                1. profile image0
                  Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                  Oh, I don't know. I haven't been single in a while; but it is a rare person that doesn't expect their significant other to make changes. Religious or otherwise. When you find one that loves you the way you are; you got lucky.

                  1. profile image0
                    Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                    Okay, your definitely a woman. We never really know here, but that pretty much solidifies it for me.

                2. profile image0
                  Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                  Not always.  wink

                  1. profile image0
                    Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                    You don't think they will want to drag our lazy butt's to mass on Sunday morning? I remember when my wife was first pregnant and she would go to mass alone. She starting telling me people think she's a single mom so I must go to mass with her to show them she's married. The I met up with the priest on the street and he laid into me as well. Fun times.

  6. BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image85
    BLACKANDGOLDJACKposted 4 years ago

    Q: What is the difference between an atheist on HubPages and a drama queen?

    1. Zelkiiro profile image87
      Zelkiiroposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      You sound like a fellow who tries to not start conflicts.

    2. profile image0
      Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      The tiara?

      Just kidding. I have a soft spot for atheists. Tell us the difference.

    3. profile image0
      Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I resemble that remark! Right? Huh, huh?

      1. profile image0
        Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        lol

  7. profile image0
    Rad Manposted 4 years ago

    A Christian walks up to a librarian and asks for a book to read that would help him with an upcoming debate with an Atheist.

    The librarian says "well for that, you need the best selling book of all time".

    The Christian replies "how will Harry Potter help?"

    I know, I know, it's not my best work.

  8. profile image0
    riddle666posted 4 years ago

    http://funnyatheism.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/400412_10151024754389753_232558922_n.jpg

    1. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      HA!  HAAA!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

      That's hysterical!

      When I was younger, my mother and I would always read signs and pick out funny stuff....misspellings, oxymorons.

      This one would have tickled her to no end.

    2. profile image0
      Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      This one if funny and troublesome at the same time. It's funny until you realize it wasn't an error.

      1. profile image0
        Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        I posted it on my Facebook wall for just that reason, Rad.  I'm wondering how many people will actually 'get' the reason I posted it.  The poor language skill is one thing.  The message itself is sickening.

        1. profile image0
          Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          I just did the same, let's compare notes.

        2. profile image0
          Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          I thought the sign was cute; but I personally think those crazy church signs are pranksters playing with the sign. I can't image anyone serious actually putting that message on a sign.

          1. profile image0
            Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

            What's frightening is that not only are those signs real - but the people who put out that message really do believe it, Emile.

            Language-wise, I thought it was hysterical.

            1. Castlepaloma profile image30
              Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

              The sign dose not surprise me, it's real, because these mess up facts were always  funny.

  9. profile image0
    riddle666posted 4 years ago

    http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20080514.gif
    http://iamyourgod.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/god-and-religious-views.jpg

  10. Mark Ewbie profile image83
    Mark Ewbieposted 4 years ago

    Sadly it is no laughing matter.

    To deny the existence of Him, the Almighty, is to deny your own existence.  To wallow in a pit of filth and disgusting behaviour with the twin evils of fornication and obesity.  Sure the atheists will have you believe they are happy but that is only because their drug addled minds are being controlled by the Devil.

    It is thanks to forums such as these we can try to help these pathetic souls achieve something with their sad, empty, shallow lives.

    I would clasp both hands together in supplication had not one been removed due to a masturbatory mixup on an Iranian airline.  No matter.  A silent prayer will be offered tonight for those who cannot see.

    1. profile image0
      riddle666posted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol lol
      The most funny quote so far.

    2. profile image0
      Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol You win. That was the funniest post in the thread.

      1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
        Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Oh guys... shucks and thanks for the opportunity!

        1. Castlepaloma profile image30
          Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          He is not allowed to say, you guys suck, that is funny

    3. profile image0
      Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Well, that's not nice at all.

      1. profile image0
        Emile Rposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        He's a joker rad man. He was simply proving that atheists not only have a sense of humor but they can write their own jokes.

        1. profile image0
          Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          I know, I guess you didn't pick that up from my comment. I was just reading his hub on how to beat children. A tone of great advice that I'll start implementing this evening as soon as I get back from the lumber yard.

          I remember sitting in my friends bedroom as a 11 year old and noticed a hot wheel track on the floor. I said "what's with one track, you don't have more? The response was "that's what my Dad beats me with". I looked at him for a while, realizing he was not very bright and knowing he needed help I said "why not make it more difficult for him to find?".

          True story.

      2. Mark Ewbie profile image83
        Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Atheism and fornication is not nice either.  Nor is obesity.

        1. profile image0
          Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          Hey, I'm obese and I'm an atheist! I don't know what the other word is, I'll ask my wife if she thinks if I fornicate nicely... she says your right.

    4. profile image0
      Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, I forgot to thank you for the sound advice. I will make sure I don't get caught doing a little self massage on an Iranian flight. I guess I've been lucky in the past and will no longer pull my luck on Iranian flights. Did I say pull? I meant push. Sorry about the hand, but it could have been worse.

      1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
        Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        It could have been far worse although it meant I got chucked off the Apprentice course for slow typing.

        1. profile image0
          Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          You complain a lot.

          1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
            Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

            Lol.  Don't you start. There was someone the other day...

    5. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol

      Mark, will you have my babies?

      1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
        Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Lol Motown. That would be a first for me...

        1. profile image0
          Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

          Me too!  Can you imagine the media coverage we'd get, and all the money we'd make for endorsement.

          1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
            Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

            Yeah.  Despite that I'm not really tempted.  And anyway.  Do you know what babies are like?  Horrible.

            1. profile image0
              Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

              I forgot...you're an atheist, so the only babies you like are the ones you can eat.  Sorry, I'll give up the idea then. 

              tongue

              1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
                Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                Christian!  YOU shouldn't even be on this thread. I only got on because I told them I hadn't read the bible.

                1. profile image0
                  Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                  HA!  Who said Christians read the Bible?  I got on here because I'm funny.  Too bad that didn't cut it for you.  wink

                  1. Mark Ewbie profile image83
                    Mark Ewbieposted 4 years agoin reply to this

                    Jeez. Pressure.  If I haven't got a smart remark in three minutes I'm going to look like a loser.

                    Too late.

  11. Uninvited Writer profile image83
    Uninvited Writerposted 4 years ago

    I have to post this page I saw on Facebook. It has to be a joke. It's called Stop Masturbation Now!

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/STOP-Mas … 0809056057

    1. profile image0
      Rad Manposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      That is hilarious.

      "Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. Please help us make parents aware of Masturbation in the home and hopefully to make it illegal."

      I remember when they used to teach that it was a sin. All that did was make us feel guilty. It didn't stop anyone, just made us feel bad. That's how sexual dysfunction starts, you train yourself to feel guilt after sex.

    2. Zelkiiro profile image87
      Zelkiiroposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Those kinds of people are funny. They're the same people who think video games lead to violence, boxing leads to street fights, and eating carrots makes your head grow leaves.

      1. Castlepaloma profile image30
        Castlepalomaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Don't know about eating carrots makes your head grow leaves.

        Do think, you are what you think, so be concern on what you think.

        I can't think that much about the bible

  12. Uninvited Writer profile image83
    Uninvited Writerposted 4 years ago

    Another Calvin and Hobbes:


    http://s2.hubimg.com/u/7650573_f248.jpg

 
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