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Sorry, I'm late. . .

  1. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

    The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

    As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

    1. Patty Inglish, MS profile image94
      Patty Inglish, MSposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      That's a good one - laugh out loud!

    2. Randy Godwin profile image96
      Randy Godwinposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol  I'll remember this one, Dent!

    3. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      This made me laugh heartily!!  I had to read it to my husband.  Thanks for sharing the joy!  smile

  2. William F. Torpey profile image75
    William F. Torpeyposted 4 years ago

    Funny!

  3. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
           
    Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
           
    Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

  4. CASE1WORKER profile image76
    CASE1WORKERposted 4 years ago

    A chuckle whilst at lunch- ta

  5. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Moses.jpg

    1. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      I love it when I find someone else with a warped sense of humor like mine.  This is great!

  6. Rosie2010 profile image77
    Rosie2010posted 4 years ago

    Hiya, SirDent, thanks for making me laugh today.  Cool jokes.  Really funny!  lol

  7. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    Three blondes died together in an automobile accident on Easter Sunday. As they line up at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
           
          St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
           
          The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
           
          "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
           
          The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
           
          St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
           
          The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
           
          "Oh really?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
           
          "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
           
          St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
           
          The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

    1. Valorie Esquilona profile image76
      Valorie Esquilonaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      nice. is that a flash fiction?

      1. profile image0
        SirDentposted 4 years agoin reply to this

        Umm. . .   It's a blonde joke!!! lol

  8. Vacation Trip profile image76
    Vacation Tripposted 4 years ago

    Good one..hahahahaha

  9. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    One day an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message for a doctor and lawyer, both members of his congregation, to come to his home.
           
          When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, he held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled.
           
           
          For a long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would want them with him during his final moments. He had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. His sermons in the past about greed and various other behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time.
           
           
          Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come and see you at this time?"
           
          The old man mustered up some strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between 2 thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."

    1. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      *Giggle* 

      I hope you know you have to keep this thread up with a new funny post each day!

      smile

  10. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    Heavenly Rewards


    An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

    When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

    Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
    St. Peter said, "This is heaven, you play for free."

    Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

    "How much is it to eat?" asked the old man.

    "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

    "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

    St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

    After hearing that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. St. Peter and the wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

    The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

    Author Unknown

  11. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
           
          "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
           
          As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
           
          "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
           
          "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
           
          "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

    1. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Kids are always the most honest ones in church, huh?

      big_smile

  12. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

    "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.

    "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

    1. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      That is priceless!!

  13. Bigtelv37 profile image65
    Bigtelv37posted 4 years ago

    Lol haha I'm sorry but that was hilarious, he's the poorest preacher... That's funny sir lol

  14. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
           
          The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
           
          "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
           
          "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
           
          "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
           
          "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
           
          The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
           
          "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
           
          "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
           
          About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
           
          "You painted the whole porch?"
           
          "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
           
          The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    1. Rosie2010 profile image77
      Rosie2010posted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol  I didn't see that coming.  Good one!

  15. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    A married couple were driving down the freeway. The wife was driving, and the husband was in the passenger's seat.
           
          The husband said, I want a divorce.
           
          The wife didn't say a word, she just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.
           
          The husband said, I'm taking the kids.
           
          The wife didn't say a word, she just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.
           
          The husband said, I'm taking the house.
           
          The wife didn't say a word, she just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.
           
          The husband said, I'm taking all of our savings and stocks and bonds.
           
          The wife didn't say a word, she just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.
           
          The husband said, I'm not going to pay you any support.
           
          The wife didn't say a word, she just pushed her foot on the accelerator a little and went about 10 more miles per hour.
           
          The husband looked at his wife and said, Don't you have anything to say.
           
          The wife said, No, I have all that I need.
           
          The husband said, What do you mean, I'm asking for a divorce, I'm taking the kids, the house, our savings and stocks and bonds, and I'm not going to pay you support. What do you mean, you have all that you need.
           
          The wife said, I have the air bag.

    1. Rosie2010 profile image77
      Rosie2010posted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol  She does indeed!

  16. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    A man living in New Jersey had just bought a new mobile home and learnt that he had to pick it up from the other side of New York and drive it all the way back. He realised that to do so he would have to pass right through Manhattan, a very serious driving risk, especially with a slow mobile home.
           
          So he decided to pop up to Manhattan and ask someone when would be the best time to travel without getting his new acquisition demolished. The first person he came across was a local policeman and knew he could do no better.
           
          When asked, the policeman replied that a Sunday would be the best time to travel at about 7.00a.m.
           
          "Why that time?" the man asked.
           
          "Well," replied the policeman, " all the Jews are playing golf and all the Catholics are at Mass"
           
          "But what about the Protestants?"
           
          "Oh, they are all asleep at that time of a Sunday morning."
           
          Taking the policeman's advice he set out and was travelling through Manhattan at about 7.00 a.m. when WHAM!! his mobile home was smashed from the rear.
           
          He got out, surveyed the damage and then found out it was a Seventh Day Adventist late for work!

    1. Rosie2010 profile image77
      Rosie2010posted 4 years agoin reply to this

      lol  good one, SirDent!  Thanks for the laugh.  Keep it coming... I love jokes.

  17. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
           
          The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
           
          Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
           
          As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

  18. profile image0
    SirDentposted 4 years ago

    A priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a row boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.
           
          Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.
           
          Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.
           
          The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.
           
          The evangelist looks at the minister and says,"I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were."

 
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