Please keep 'em clean.
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!
A Jewish Rabbi, Catholic Priest and a Baptist Minister were walking along and found a huge bag of money...The Holy Men discuss what to do with the money...The Catholic Priest said...Lets draw a circle...toss the money into the air and whatever lands in the circle we give to God..and what lands outside of the circle we will split...The Baptist Minister said...let's give God what lands outside of the circle and we split what lands in...The Rabbi said...Lets toss the money into the air and whatever God wants he can keep...
At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
I love this one.
OK religious jokes thread; what could go wrong!
This actually happened at the UN at a conference on who had the rights to occupy Israel/Palestine:
A representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath!’
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, ‘What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.’
The Israeli representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech…’.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Never heard of emo philips. Is that the author of the joke? I just found it on the net.
Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.
Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.
The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.
"Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."
Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"
"I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.
"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."
God I've got some really bad ones. How offensive can you get on these forums? Sorry guys, but offensive all the religious jokes I know are offensive... I don't want to upset anyone though.
Two rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving his existence. The next day, one rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into synagogue for morning services.
"I thought we had agreed there was no God," he said.
"Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the other.
An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
You have a great sense of humor Sir Dent.
That was very funny!
A little boy asked his dad, "what's God's name?"
"I don't know, son." He replied.
A few days later, the little boy runs into the house an says to dad
"hey dad, I found out what God's name is!" all excited.
"What is it, son? He asked.
"Harold?" the father asks, all perplexed. "Where did you hear that?"
"Well, we said the Lord's prayer in scripture class today".
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be thy Name!"
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is god black or white?"
"He is neither, my boy", replied the man.
The boy asked again, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"
"He is neither, my boy", replied the man.
The boy exclaimed, "So Michael Jackson is god?!"
Little girl takes her teddy bear to school. The teacher says, 'That's a fine bear, what's his name?'
'He's called Gladly', says the girl.
'Nice name. Why did you call him Gladly?' asks the teacher.
'Because his eyes are crossed, of course!'
(Gladly my cross I'd bear)
that is funny, almost local humor to me.
Supposedly Scottish, but pretty universal, I think.
Speaking of Scottish, this is told of two old ministers of the strict Calvinist Free Presbyterian church (the Wee Free)
'Will ye have a cup of tea, Andra?'
'I'll no' be needing tea, Hector'.
'But ye'll no' mind if I have a cup myself?'
'Och well, I'll just take a cup with ye'.
'Ye'll no' make yourself a liar in my house!'
Very funny, and one I have not heard before. How is Scotland at this time? I read the press, but having said that, the press is what it is.
I saw a doco on the Scottish Isles and the myth of "Excalibur" on TV the other day. A stunning panorama of lands that still look mythical and unspoiled.
A young zebra grows up with a confused identity. He doesn't know whether he's a black zebra with white stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes. He spends his entire life trying to find the answer. The only wisdom he received was, well my son, you'll have to wait till you die, and then you will hve to ask the Creator Himself.
Finally, he meets his demise and finds himself at the pearly gates. Who was there to meet him, none other than Michael the Archangel himself. Surely he will know.
He asks, but the question was too difficult for Michael to answer. "You'll have to ask the Creator Himself that one. Would you do me a favour, though? When you get the answer, please tell me. I'd really like to know myself.!"
"OK", he says, and heads off to the thrown room.
After a long wait in line, he has his chance. He goes in and asks God the question that has eluded him all his life.
"Lord, am I a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes".
Well, the Lord answers him, so he leaves, more puzzled than ever before!
He meets up with Michael, and Michael eagerly awaits the answer.
"Well" says the zebra, "I still don't get it. His answer was, 'you are what you are!' "
"AHHH", says Michael, "that's easy. You are a white zebra with black stripes".
"I don't get it", says the zebra. "How do you know that?"
"Oh, well", says Michael. "If you were a black zebra with white stripes, God would have said 'You is what you is' ".
That is somewhat offensive. I'm not black, with white stripes, but I do find racial slurs, on any level, counter productive.
I used to take offence at some jokes too.
I have overcome my sensitivity on may levels.
Sorry you found it offensive. (sad face)
And I apologize dj. I posted harshly. It is simply that even comments like that, meant only in jest, hurt people's feelings in my world; but people still make them.
I keep forgetting this forum stretches around the globe. Your world is not mine and you seem like a nice guy, so I'm sure that you wouldn't attempt to offend. Glad to hear you don't have the same lingering problems with prejudice that we do. Happy Easter.
I remember when I joined the USAF, many years ago.
There was a subject, then called "race relations", which every enlisted person had to attend. The first thing that the teacher/instructor said was, "you're all prejudiced. Whites against blacks, blacks agains whites, whites against hispanics, hispanics agains blacks", etc.
My first reaction (internally) was "No I'm NOT"!
I was not raised amongst blacks (please excuse the term, I know it no longer is politically correct, but Im using the language of the day). I have NO prejudice against them. I was not taught any.
I learned a lot from the class, because, later on, I could see the problems that prejudice created.
So, yes, I do live in a different world.
I never try to offend. Some of my posts may sound/look like it is, but they are never intended to be.
Three guys die and are in heaven. God says to the first guy, "You never cheated on your wife, and for that you get a Ferrari."
The second guy approaches and god says, "you cheated on your wife a couple of times, you get a pinto."
The third guy approaches, and God says, "you cheated on your wife hundreds of times, and for that you get a bicycle."
Later the guy with the pinto sees the guy with the bike crying on the side of the road, and says, "Hey a bike isn't so bad, atleast you aren't in Hell"
The guy with the bike looks up sadly and replys, "No that's not it, I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."
This isn't a joke, it's a true story.
When I was 14 my grandmother's cousin died. I never knew him but the old folks kept in touch. He lived in the Welsh town of Treorci and when my father and uncle planned on going to the funeral I asked to go along. Not for the funeral, just that I had never been to the Rhondda valley. The old man had been quite popular in the town so the funeral was a big affair. He was Catholic and there aren't many Catholics in the South Wales valleys. The local priest was sick so they had to send to the city (Cardiff) for a replacement. This monseigneur came out and he was huge. The biggest man I had ever seen up to that time. The service was held at the house and then we went to the cemetery for the interment.
It had been raining hard that day and had been for a couple of days. The portly prelate stood a little too close to the grave, the ground gave way, and our man slid in to join the deceased. Trouble was, he was so big and the ground was so slippery we couldn't get him out, and the water was rising. I heard words like "Damn" and "Bloody hell" and they weren't all coming from the congregation. Eventually the cemetery caretaker got out some boards and a block and tackle and hoisted him out.
I overheard my uncle ask the caretaker if this happened often. The caretaker replied that he had been to many a funeral but this was his first resurrection.
Three blondes died together in an automobile accident on Easter Sunday. As they line up at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh really?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
One day an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message for a doctor and lawyer, both members of his congregation, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, he held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled.
For a long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would want them with him during his final moments. He had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. His sermons in the past about greed and various other behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time.
Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come and see you at this time?"
The old man mustered up some strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between 2 thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."
The minister got up for his sermon seething with indignation that somebody had the nerve to steal his bicycle and sstarted in on his congregation with a lengthy tirade around the ten commandments, with the plan that when he got to 'thou shalt not steal' he would look around his flock to see the guilty face. He got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' and remembered where he had left his bike !
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Q:How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's okay, we'll just site here in the dark.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. But they're really one.
Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change? What's that?
Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred and nine: Seven on the Light bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Light bulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.
Joke I heard from some Mississippi Baptist pastors in the 1960's, using their exact wording:
A man died and went to heaven and was there for all of about three minutes before some extraordinary medical personnel brought him back to this life. When he was able to realize that he was now once again back on earth, he could barely communicate, because he was so stunned by his experience.
All of his friends were so excited to hear anything he had to say about the next life. Surely, even in just a few minutes, he had learned some awesome truths about God. "Tell us!" they begged. "We can't wait to find out. What is God really like???"
After taking a few deep breaths, the man responded with wonder in his voice, "Well, actually, She's a Negro."
A very wealthy man could not stand the thought that "You can't take it with you." He was desperate to find a way to take his great wealth with him into the Afterlife. He consulted with religious leaders and psychics and all kinds of spiritual advisors. All of them said that it was impossible.
He finally hit on a great plan. He would convert all of his investments and assets into gold bars. Then, at the moment of his death, he would grab hold of them very quickly and pull them with him out of this world and into the next.
And so, over the course of the next months and years, he converted his wealth all into gold bars, and kept them with him wherever he went, just in case he should die unexpectedly.
Sure enough, one day came the moment of his death, and he actually did have the presence of mind to grab his gold bars. At the pearly gates, he was surprised to see that he already had been given a pure white robe, and he decided to hide the bars under it, in case he was doing something that would be frowned upon.
As he walked through the gates, Saint Peter saw him and the slightly guilty look he had on his face. "What's that you are hiding under your robe?" he asked, and the man sheepishly showed him one of the gold bars. "Is it okay if I bring this with me from earth?" he asked, figuring he'd better toe the line, if he wanted to keep his gold bars.
"Oh, that!" Saint Peter laughed heartily. "Well, of course it's okay - but why on earth would you want to bring pavement???"
In the early days of the war in Afghanistan, Pres. George Bush was being briefed on some of the action. A military advisor told him of some successes and some setbacks and in the process shared the sad news that three Brazilian troops had been killed.
"Oh, that's terrible!" Pres. Bush said. "I am just so sorry to hear that - those poor families." He was silent for a moment.
"We really should do something to express our condolences and sorrow for them. But... please remind me..., how many is in a brazillion?"
by des donnelly 11 years ago
I read the intro and all that and have lived through a religious war and lost god along the way I would never wish to see any hate type posts here... BUT sometimes people take religion too seriously. I came across this joke which I thought would only offend a few.... *grins*===I was walking...
by Peeples 7 years ago
Why can't atheist and Christians agree to disagree?Will atheist and Christians ever just agree to disagree?
by Deborah Sexton 7 years ago
The best way to get out aggression is through laughter.Post your jokes here.No getting offended. Remember they are jokes. Don't take it personal..Its not always about YOU!
by mktol1984 10 years ago
"Question with boldness even the existence of a god." - Thomas Jefferson (letter to Peter Carr, 10 August 1787) “No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means” George Bernard Shaw quotes (Irish literary...
by Lela 8 years ago
Westboro Baptist church to picket the Arizona funerals. Angels coming to defense. How many think it should be the Hell's Angels? Coming to smash the Baptists to their knees?
by Nichol marie 3 years ago
Do you believe that some religious people are to blame for, more people becoming atheists?Maybe people feel as though they are not ever good enough not because of God but because of other people condemning everything and give up on pursuing to be "Good"
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