Tell me a Noah Ark story like a comedian. Lol

Jump to Last Post 1-5 of 5 discussions (37 posts)
  1. Castlepaloma profile image74
    Castlepalomaposted 2 years ago

    I laugh at all Noah Ark storiesof. LOL  Creationist have Noah Ark and Creationism museums. Plus plans to educate children in all US schools. Two views conflicting evolutionary humanism vs. Creatiism according to Genesis. Earth and all of its life form were created 6000 years ago in over six-day period, plus +++ origins of the Universe. They claim humans and dinosaurs coexisted. Better to laugh than to cry, don't take them seriously. Like biologist debating Flat earth society.

    No animals were harmed in the making of this story, except when the boat landed. The.carnivores drop their carrots and lettuce and return back to eating meat.

    God chosen Noah and his family to survive. Noah was not a day older than 500. Wail the rest of the human race, will be blot out from the face of the earth. Trillions of animals must die over one wicked specie's. Making the mosquito seem sweet & very nice.

    Noah had special wood , so the boat would not break apart loaded to the wazoo by millions of species and their crap. To build a wood boat soooooo big and tough. Gives God a woody. Not even middle age Noah who stood 9 feet tall could match. Not even penis like nuclear missles today could match.

    At the time all animals were vegetarian and loveable, zebras would share with T-Rex as their teeth were design to eat hard carrots. Brontosaurus could be baby sized. How convenient. Noah thought its plausible yet he still had to gather all the animals of the world and walk them to Babylon, when the earth is covered in 3/4 water, with three times more water yet to come. A wheel barrow was not invented until 200AD. Give a snail and an Australian sloth a 100 years to get there. Without God's miracle help.  Or was it, :Make the Ark and they will COME:. 
    No wonder, God lives in the Dark.

    God simplified production by using a wolf to represent all breeds of dogs that branch out to wild and domestic dogs. Or a black bear for them to evolve into polar, grizzly, and koala bears. An evolution of Christians science and intelligent design for shleeps. Sheep herders never hard zippers to alarm their sheep.

    Noah was Supernatural hero.. When the rain reached the height of Mount Everest. Noah build a dome out of hay, a great insulator. Used animal manuer for heating the tropical animals from freezing to death. Then Noah scientifically created oxygen out of sea water as animal can't breathe at that height of 30,000 feet, except a turkey vulture.

    Gods rainbow was his harmless promise not to kill us, until the next story? Untitled-
    ¶¶Jesus Christ is Coming to town.~
    You better watch out,
    You better get saved,
    You better repent.
    I'M TELLING YOU WHY!!!

    ~¶For he will be riding Red nose Dragons when he comes.¶¶
    An Aldult version of Satan Claus.

    1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
      The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Here is my take on "the Great Flood" with Noah's family and 2 pair of unclean animals and seven pair of clean animals [mobile life] surviving it beginning with creation.

      The "creation" story begins with dark and light as the created thing followed by water, the earth and plants, the heavenly bodies as a "sign", birds and fish followed by animals and human in 6000 years [a day unto god is 1000 years (2 Peter 3:8)]. That, for me, is how the life-forces evolves (for me the heavenly body should have followed human or been with the earth, but that is another story) evolves through creation since Revelation 20:5 talks about a "first resurrection" just before "the new heaven and earth without human pains or bodies nor sun.

      Those hairy (Daniel 4:33) human (minds unable to comprehend all things) of both genders lived the life of individual nomads and when a girl conceived she built a nest for the child and went her way and returned ever few hours for nursing it. This was during the seventh day was rest that those about 9 billion human "replenished" the earth to about 10 billion. They were told they would eventually have dominion (exceed the ability everything on and the earth) which was followed with a second human creating without plants although they had been produced on the third day.

      This single human (we'll call a boy) was conditioned to become territorial and told not to become judgmental (Knowledge of Good and Evil) but was to name all animated life requiring him to observe all things for naming them according to something about them. In naming them he observed their mating and, as adolescence was causing him to prepare for adult boyhood he began to desire a companion and to mate.

      "God" seeing his desire warned him in a dream that if he make the arriving girl a companion he would loose half of his nature to her and she half of her nature to him to create the opposite attraction we call "love". But as he woke up he didn't wait to consult his voice companion but immediately named her "woven from man" for woman or "hewed from man" for human which also named him the same little did he know. So, when they ate the "knowledge of good and evil" they became to man what tadpoles are to frogs, no longer "minds able to comprehend all things" as man is defined. That was their deaths and not physical discarnations.

      Revelation 17:15 suggests "waters" with an "S" ending represents people and throughout the Bible water without the "S" is used to represent knowledge. Also we have the sojourn from Egypt to Canaan providing us with "the Ark of the Covenant" representing "God's Law" he intended man to live by. With that we can determine the flood's death, caused by most of Genesis 1's humans called "sons of god" to inter marry the ideology of the descendants of Adam and Eve called "daughters of man" which caused only a fraction of man and animals to remain in "God's Ark" or environmental order.

      So, the rest of the Bible is metaphors, allegories, parables and symbol-types, MAPS, explaining how the world will terminate to provide the return of the "first resurrection" into the completely different type of civilization Rev. 21 reveals. Therefore, if we "fill in the gaps" with the reality we know none of the stories are "comedy".

      Almost all of my writings on here are explaining different aspects of that reality.

    2. MizBejabbers profile image89
      MizBejabbersposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      My favorite Noah's Ark story is the Unicorn Song by the Irish Rovers. If you haven't heard it, google it. I think you'll like it, too.

      1. Castlepaloma profile image74
        Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

        I loved to sing along , really catchy tune.

        1. wilderness profile image96
          wildernessposted 2 years agoin reply to this

          I liked it too - actually heard it on the radio the other day in the car.  And sang along.

          1. MizBejabbers profile image89
            MizBejabbersposted 2 years agoin reply to this

            Really! That song is old. I think I heard it first in the 1960s.

            1. Castlepaloma profile image74
              Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

              I remember it as a kid.  I still hear songs like this playing once in awhile. Like Puff the Magic Dragon, and the Duck Dance. I even like Santa Claus, Tooth fairy, Jack Frost and Easter Bunny. They all can bring some joy to our hearts.

              I only have to grow up, when they take something like Noah's Ark figuratively and literally. When they use our tax dollars to sell it as true science in nationwide schools. This destroys individualism when your family tells you are not a good person because you don't believe Adam and Eve or Noah's Ark ever happened.

            2. wilderness profile image96
              wildernessposted 2 years agoin reply to this

              LOL  It was on the 60's channel of Sirius Radio. big_smile

  2. Live to Learn profile image77
    Live to Learnposted 2 years ago

    Flood stories are found throughout the world. Glad you found one of the many humorous.

    1. Castlepaloma profile image74
      Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      Floods are the most destructive nature force in the worlds history.
      Creatism claim Noah story wipped out the entire human race and all creasures, except on the boat. Noah's white family would mean all Asians, black and brown cultures were destroyed. So blacks came from whites, not the other way around. All proven by the world's largest multi million Creatiism museum and Noah Ark museum.
      The atheist plan to sue these lies if brought to every school in America making all this a mandate.  Pushed by Vice President  Pence.

      1. Live to Learn profile image77
        Live to Learnposted 2 years agoin reply to this
        1. Castlepaloma profile image74
          Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

          There are floods all over the world at different times. Creatism claim just one huge flood that covered the entire planet at one time 4500 years ago, give or take a few centuries.

          Creatism stories vary all over the map as clergyman and pastors act as Christians scientist. The Museum claims the continents were all connected  together to make it walkable for animals to Babylon. The Pacific ocean was all one massive ocean. Adam lived during part of Noah's lifetime. They had a display of a raptors playing in the backyard with the kids. Or course it was safe, raptors were vegetarian at the time. They probably helped out herding the livestock.
          The only other documentary related to this, is the Flintstones.

          In 2008 they found seven large wooden compartments of the ark buried at 13,000 feet above sea level, near the peak of Mount Ararat Turkey. They say, this is proof, Evolution is a lie and atheist are willingly very stupid. Atheist had to be helped by Satan, to get this good at stupidity.

          1. Live to Learn profile image77
            Live to Learnposted 2 years agoin reply to this

            I can think of a lot of other examples of stupidity.

            1. Castlepaloma profile image74
              Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

              Noah's ark is about Geography and biology. Even setting evolution aside, basic geology disproves creationism

              According to a recent Pew Center Research study, most biologists are atheists.
              When discussing elite biologists, the figure is well over 90%.

              Who is really stupid about geology and  biology?

              1. Live to Learn profile image77
                Live to Learnposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                Hmm. You have flood stories throughout all cultures. Each culture thought about the flood story, the reasons for the flood story and created their own narrative. I see nothing wrong with the story, from the Jewish perspective.

                We know so little of our distant past. I'm not within the group who believes in literal interpretations. I look more for what purpose an oral tradition served to the people of that time and what greater ideals we can glean from them, as time progresses.

                I think, to take a story literally (in order to make fun of it) is a sign of ignorance in the matter of the development of societies and to take the story literally, in order to ignore realities we have discovered through scientific research is just as ignorant.

                1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
                  The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                  According to Ezekiel 1:4-28 we find at verse 10 "As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle." Revelation 4-7 records the last of the four as "the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle."

                  What Ezekiel's four beast with four faces represent is four dispensations of this civilization's time with each of the four representing Asian beginning civilization. First is Asians as the "yellow" first leaves of plants, Americans Native as the "red" ripe fruit of summer, Africans as the "darkening" of leaves and fruit in the fall then the winter with Europeans being the frost and snow of winter that destroys everything except evergreen trees or those going into everlasting life. So, during each of those four dispensations of time a different ethnic represents the lion or "king of beasts", the man a little lower than the lion, the ox or calf is the lion preys on and the "flying" eagle in Revelation means they were pushed off their land.

                  With Revelation representing the termination of civilization during our days it means the Lion is "Europeans" who accepts Asians as a man but less than them while Africans are being preyed upon and the Americans the "Fleeing" eagle.

                  Those floods being all over the world represents a breaking down of the preceding dispensation of human's earth existence - as shown above - for a re-establishing the new dispensation that continues until this material civilization is over in about 2028.

              2. The0NatureBoy profile image58
                The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                There is a single DNA thread running through every ethnic of human that Blacks want to claim as their gene but it is only "the man gene" of DNA.

                1. Castlepaloma profile image74
                  Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                  Wish the black and white in the USA or around the world had same DNA Harmony throughout their whole history.
                  Most of the early man fossil came from Africa, perhaps Adam and Eve branched from there 200,000 years ago.

                  1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
                    The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                    My take on the cycle governing human's civilization on earth is the Revelation 21's "bodiless as we know them" evening civilization is 84,000 years, 7000 years transition to this 84,000 years of "bodied" morning civilization and another 7000 year transition. During this morning civilization each of the four primary ethnics has a 21,000 year reign as shown in another of my posts here according to the seasons of the year.

                    Using that concept the Adam and Eve metaphor happened in the eastern section of the African, Asian and European landmass for the first segment. Their son Cain came to "the land of Nod" or forgotten and discovered may times Americas were the second segment, Africa the third and Europe the morning civilization's ending segment.

                2. MizBejabbers profile image89
                  MizBejabbersposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                  I nearly missed your comment on this, I had intended to ask you your take on it. I don't like metaphors or symbolism, but instead prefer  people to actually speak their minds. According to my studies, that makes me intellectual rather than emotional. I guess that's why I like Zechariah Sitchen's writings. He says that the bible is just an outline of prehistory, and that we have to go outside it and study things like archaeology and anthropology to understand what really went on. I'm not an atheist, but neither can I buy the creation story in Genesis.

                  1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
                    The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

                    So now you know my take.  smile  Yet, it is all Karma's means of keeping us guessing until it is our time to realize the whole picture.

      2. The0NatureBoy profile image58
        The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

        Noah's family actually represents the four primary ethnic groups with Noah/Adam as the Father of civilization, Japheth/Cain are America's naives, Ham/Esau for African & Austrians and Shem/Jacob are Europeans. Noah's family represent a handful of people in each of the four general localities who maintained a balance understanding of life but without the "dominion powers" everyone who goes through the metamorphosis Jesus called "born again" will have to become man. That doesn't happen until the closing of civilization. Jesus called them "Ten Virgins" with 50% of the 10% of civilization's end time population which will enter into Armageddon just before the destruction of the USA called "Mystery Babylon".

        Noah and his three sons are the people like Aboriginals of Australia and Druids of Europe, I don't know the names of the American natives nor Asians. Adam, Cain, Esau and Jacob are those who were drowned in ignorance but doing today's last about 10 years of civilization most of them and beginning to intermingle with the "drowned" humans again - "as it was in the days of Noah so shall the coming of the end be" spoken of by Jesus - to determine who the 19 virgins are five of which follows the son of man into Armageddon or "Ark".

        We can see the destruction being caused by the intermingling of the two by looking at how there is fighting everywhere over money which has replaced "the knowledge of good and evil".

  3. Oztinato profile image76
    Oztinatoposted 2 years ago

    I have a new proverb:
    "Only fundamentalists and atheists take all the Bible literally"....by me.

    1. PhoenixV profile image65
      PhoenixVposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      No truer words ever spoken.

    2. Castlepaloma profile image74
      Castlepalomaposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      LOL

    3. MizBejabbers profile image89
      MizBejabbersposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      My  dad was an atheist, and he was also a Darwinian. Therefore, he did not take the bible at all, much less literally. He and I had many discussions, but at least his beliefs kept me from holding to my mother's fundamentalism. In fact I have written about this on HP.

      1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
        The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

        I suppose, based on how I was living prior to it, had I not gone through the metamorphosis or new birth I would be still in the mental wondering stage I was in prior to it. Now, however, I realize I was only following my destiny and everyone else is so none of us have any place to condemn others except it be our karma, that every present controller of life.

        1. MizBejabbers profile image89
          MizBejabbersposted 2 years agoin reply to this

          I agree with you, Elijah. We all have to awaken to the Ascension. Very few of us are born awake. Can you explain to me why the new prognosticators are saying that millennials are born without Karma? Why would they be unless they are not of this world? There are many of us starseed souls not of this world, but we older ones have karmas to work through.

          1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
            The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

            MizB,
            Even Jesus had "karma" as I've revealed in my hub "Jesus' Karma". Not only does Jesus have it but what we call God does because every life-force throughout existence goes through THE learning-unlearning cycle governing existence.

            From that I can only say it is because they are only looking on the outer surface of karma. The words "understand" and "overstand" only means from which location one began seeking to comprehend the matter. To understand means "one began on top, worked around the outside, around and through the inside in lede to comprehend the subject completely" with "overstanding" being the opposite. Thus, they only surface-stand the meaning of it.

  4. Castlepaloma profile image74
    Castlepalomaposted 2 years ago

    Just like many western towns that depend on onesided products or one idea like oil and gas. They often enough turn into ghost town when there is a big changes because of lies or changes in the economy.

    My prediction is this 100 million dollar Noah Ark museum in KY. Will be flooded with so many contradictions and fairytales. It too will turn into a Holly ghost town.

    1. The0NatureBoy profile image58
      The0NatureBoyposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      That is very likely true, especially if civilization last long enough for it to happen.

  5. Castlepaloma profile image74
    Castlepalomaposted 2 years ago

    Ricky Gervais and Bill Cosby were my favorite comedy skits on Noah's Ark.

    1. wilderness profile image96
      wildernessposted 2 years agoin reply to this

      R I G H T !

 
working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)