Tell me a Noah Ark story like a comedian. Lol

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   Castlepalomaposted 6 years ago

   I laugh at all Noah Ark storiesof. LOL  Creationist have Noah Ark and Creationism museums. Plus plans to educate children in all US schools. Two views conflicting evolutionary humanism vs. Creatiism according to Genesis. Earth and all of its life form were created 6000 years ago in over six-day period, plus +++ origins of the Universe. They claim humans and dinosaurs coexisted. Better to laugh than to cry, don't take them seriously. Like biologist debating Flat earth society.
   
   No animals were harmed in the making of this story, except when the boat landed. The.carnivores drop their carrots and lettuce and return back to eating meat.
   
   God chosen Noah and his family to survive. Noah was not a day older than 500. Wail the rest of the human race, will be blot out from the face of the earth. Trillions of animals must die over one wicked specie's. Making the mosquito seem sweet & very nice.
   
   Noah had special wood , so the boat would not break apart loaded to the wazoo by millions of species and their crap. To build a wood boat soooooo big and tough. Gives God a woody. Not even middle age Noah who stood 9 feet tall could match. Not even penis like nuclear missles today could match.
   
   At the time all animals were vegetarian and loveable, zebras would share with T-Rex as their teeth were design to eat hard carrots. Brontosaurus could be baby sized. How convenient. Noah thought its plausible yet he still had to gather all the animals of the world and walk them to Babylon, when the earth is covered in 3/4 water, with three times more water yet to come. A wheel barrow was not invented until 200AD. Give a snail and an Australian sloth a 100 years to get there. Without God's miracle help.  Or was it, :Make the Ark and they will COME:. 
   No wonder, God lives in the Dark.
   
   God simplified production by using a wolf to represent all breeds of dogs that branch out to wild and domestic dogs. Or a black bear for them to evolve into polar, grizzly, and koala bears. An evolution of Christians science and intelligent design for shleeps. Sheep herders never hard zippers to alarm their sheep.
   
   Noah was Supernatural hero.. When the rain reached the height of Mount Everest. Noah build a dome out of hay, a great insulator. Used animal manuer for heating the tropical animals from freezing to death. Then Noah scientifically created oxygen out of sea water as animal can't breathe at that height of 30,000 feet, except a turkey vulture.
   
   Gods rainbow was his harmless promise not to kill us, until the next story? Untitled-
   ¶¶Jesus Christ is Coming to town.~
   You better watch out,
   You better get saved,
   You better repent.
   I'M TELLING YOU WHY!!!
   
   ~¶For he will be riding Red nose Dragons when he comes.¶¶
   An Aldult version of Satan Claus.

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      The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Here is my take on "the Great Flood" with Noah's family and 2 pair of unclean animals and seven pair of clean animals [mobile life] surviving it beginning with creation.
      
      The "creation" story begins with dark and light as the created thing followed by water, the earth and plants, the heavenly bodies as a "sign", birds and fish followed by animals and human in 6000 years [a day unto god is 1000 years (2 Peter 3:8)]. That, for me, is how the life-forces evolves (for me the heavenly body should have followed human or been with the earth, but that is another story) evolves through creation since Revelation 20:5 talks about a "first resurrection" just before "the new heaven and earth without human pains or bodies nor sun.
      
      Those hairy (Daniel 4:33) human (minds unable to comprehend all things) of both genders lived the life of individual nomads and when a girl conceived she built a nest for the child and went her way and returned ever few hours for nursing it. This was during the seventh day was rest that those about 9 billion human "replenished" the earth to about 10 billion. They were told they would eventually have dominion (exceed the ability everything on and the earth) which was followed with a second human creating without plants although they had been produced on the third day.
      
      This single human (we'll call a boy) was conditioned to become territorial and told not to become judgmental (Knowledge of Good and Evil) but was to name all animated life requiring him to observe all things for naming them according to something about them. In naming them he observed their mating and, as adolescence was causing him to prepare for adult boyhood he began to desire a companion and to mate.
      
      "God" seeing his desire warned him in a dream that if he make the arriving girl a companion he would loose half of his nature to her and she half of her nature to him to create the opposite attraction we call "love". But as he woke up he didn't wait to consult his voice companion but immediately named her "woven from man" for woman or "hewed from man" for human which also named him the same little did he know. So, when they ate the "knowledge of good and evil" they became to man what tadpoles are to frogs, no longer "minds able to comprehend all things" as man is defined. That was their deaths and not physical discarnations.
      
      Revelation 17:15 suggests "waters" with an "S" ending represents people and throughout the Bible water without the "S" is used to represent knowledge. Also we have the sojourn from Egypt to Canaan providing us with "the Ark of the Covenant" representing "God's Law" he intended man to live by. With that we can determine the flood's death, caused by most of Genesis 1's humans called "sons of god" to inter marry the ideology of the descendants of Adam and Eve called "daughters of man" which caused only a fraction of man and animals to remain in "God's Ark" or environmental order.
      
      So, the rest of the Bible is metaphors, allegories, parables and symbol-types, MAPS, explaining how the world will terminate to provide the return of the "first resurrection" into the completely different type of civilization Rev. 21 reveals. Therefore, if we "fill in the gaps" with the reality we know none of the stories are "comedy".
      
      Almost all of my writings on here are explaining different aspects of that reality.

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      MizBejabbersposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      My favorite Noah's Ark story is the Unicorn Song by the Irish Rovers. If you haven't heard it, google it. I think you'll like it, too.

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         Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         I loved to sing along , really catchy tune.

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            wildernessposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            I liked it too - actually heard it on the radio the other day in the car.  And sang along.

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               MizBejabbersposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               Really! That song is old. I think I heard it first in the 1960s.

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                  Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                  I remember it as a kid.  I still hear songs like this playing once in awhile. Like Puff the Magic Dragon, and the Duck Dance. I even like Santa Claus, Tooth fairy, Jack Frost and Easter Bunny. They all can bring some joy to our hearts.
                  
                  I only have to grow up, when they take something like Noah's Ark figuratively and literally. When they use our tax dollars to sell it as true science in nationwide schools. This destroys individualism when your family tells you are not a good person because you don't believe Adam and Eve or Noah's Ark ever happened.

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                  wildernessposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                  LOL  It was on the 60's channel of Sirius Radio.

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   Live to Learnposted 6 years ago

   Flood stories are found throughout the world. Glad you found one of the many humorous.

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      Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Floods are the most destructive nature force in the worlds history.
      Creatism claim Noah story wipped out the entire human race and all creasures, except on the boat. Noah's white family would mean all Asians, black and brown cultures were destroyed. So blacks came from whites, not the other way around. All proven by the world's largest multi million Creatiism museum and Noah Ark museum.
      The atheist plan to sue these lies if brought to every school in America making all this a mandate.  Pushed by Vice President  Pence.

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         Live to Learnposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         List of flood myths on wiki
         
         https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_flood_myths

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            Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            There are floods all over the world at different times. Creatism claim just one huge flood that covered the entire planet at one time 4500 years ago, give or take a few centuries.
            
            Creatism stories vary all over the map as clergyman and pastors act as Christians scientist. The Museum claims the continents were all connected  together to make it walkable for animals to Babylon. The Pacific ocean was all one massive ocean. Adam lived during part of Noah's lifetime. They had a display of a raptors playing in the backyard with the kids. Or course it was safe, raptors were vegetarian at the time. They probably helped out herding the livestock.
            The only other documentary related to this, is the Flintstones.
            
            In 2008 they found seven large wooden compartments of the ark buried at 13,000 feet above sea level, near the peak of Mount Ararat Turkey. They say, this is proof, Evolution is a lie and atheist are willingly very stupid. Atheist had to be helped by Satan, to get this good at stupidity.

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               Live to Learnposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               I can think of a lot of other examples of stupidity.

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                  Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                  Noah's ark is about Geography and biology. Even setting evolution aside, basic geology disproves creationism
                  
                  According to a recent Pew Center Research study, most biologists are atheists.
                  When discussing elite biologists, the figure is well over 90%.
                  
                  Who is really stupid about geology and  biology?

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                     Live to Learnposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                     Hmm. You have flood stories throughout all cultures. Each culture thought about the flood story, the reasons for the flood story and created their own narrative. I see nothing wrong with the story, from the Jewish perspective.
                     
                     We know so little of our distant past. I'm not within the group who believes in literal interpretations. I look more for what purpose an oral tradition served to the people of that time and what greater ideals we can glean from them, as time progresses.
                     
                     I think, to take a story literally (in order to make fun of it) is a sign of ignorance in the matter of the development of societies and to take the story literally, in order to ignore realities we have discovered through scientific research is just as ignorant.

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                        The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                        According to Ezekiel 1:4-28 we find at verse 10 "As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle." Revelation 4-7 records the last of the four as "the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle."
                        
                        What Ezekiel's four beast with four faces represent is four dispensations of this civilization's time with each of the four representing Asian beginning civilization. First is Asians as the "yellow" first leaves of plants, Americans Native as the "red" ripe fruit of summer, Africans as the "darkening" of leaves and fruit in the fall then the winter with Europeans being the frost and snow of winter that destroys everything except evergreen trees or those going into everlasting life. So, during each of those four dispensations of time a different ethnic represents the lion or "king of beasts", the man a little lower than the lion, the ox or calf is the lion preys on and the "flying" eagle in Revelation means they were pushed off their land.
                        
                        With Revelation representing the termination of civilization during our days it means the Lion is "Europeans" who accepts Asians as a man but less than them while Africans are being preyed upon and the Americans the "Fleeing" eagle.
                        
                        Those floods being all over the world represents a breaking down of the preceding dispensation of human's earth existence - as shown above - for a re-establishing the new dispensation that continues until this material civilization is over in about 2028.

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                     The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                     There is a single DNA thread running through every ethnic of human that Blacks want to claim as their gene but it is only "the man gene" of DNA.

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                        Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                        Wish the black and white in the USA or around the world had same DNA Harmony throughout their whole history.
                        Most of the early man fossil came from Africa, perhaps Adam and Eve branched from there 200,000 years ago.

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                           The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                           My take on the cycle governing human's civilization on earth is the Revelation 21's "bodiless as we know them" evening civilization is 84,000 years, 7000 years transition to this 84,000 years of "bodied" morning civilization and another 7000 year transition. During this morning civilization each of the four primary ethnics has a 21,000 year reign as shown in another of my posts here according to the seasons of the year.
                           
                           Using that concept the Adam and Eve metaphor happened in the eastern section of the African, Asian and European landmass for the first segment. Their son Cain came to "the land of Nod" or forgotten and discovered may times Americas were the second segment, Africa the third and Europe the morning civilization's ending segment.

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                              Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                              This will sound very depressing to white Supremacists. Black DNA is the only race that is in every human being on earth.
                              
                              Dr. Spencer Wells, Genographic Project lead scientist, on the board:
                              Everyone all over the world,
                              are literally African under the skin; brothers and sisters separated by a mere two thousand generations.
                              Old-fashioned concepts of race are not only socially divisive,
                              but scientifically wrong.
                              Explain that the Genographic Project and other scientific research projects provide evidence that all humans, past and present, can trace their ancestry back to a single ancestor who lived in Africa about 60,000 years ago. The differences among us—like skin color and hair texture—evolved as humans adapted to different environments. They account for less than one tenth of one percent of our genetic makeup.
                              
                              I feel this makes sense within my historical study. I have no idea how Creationist agree on amoung themselves and their community the origin of man, animals and earth. Most Creationist I heard from believe the world Originates literally began 6000 years ago.

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                                 The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                                 Fromm the biblical "Creationist" perspective the first "civilized" human were Asians. Using their perspective and the fact that if we remove the feathers off most birds and hair off most animals they will first have a yellowish color that lightens as they remain covered in cold climates (the Snow White story), become relish brown from wearing clothes in winter and loincloths the rest of the time or deep brown from wearing loincloths all year. Thus, I say Asian began civilization.
                                 
                                 As for the 650,000 year-old bones in Africa, Asians don't allow escalating much of their territory like the other areas have so we don't know what would be found there. Also, the most common fossil dating, "Carbon Dating", once found a shortly killed, I've forgotten how long before the test, deer's bone were found to be over 10,000 years old. How accurate is that?
                                 
                                 Let those who can't take "nature's" joke suffer in their regrets!

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                                    Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                                    The Adam and Eve and Noah Ark work off of Creatiism miracles, not Science. They believe global warming is natural made only, not man made at all. They think the ice age was just 4000 years ago, that even contradict with their own history written. Each Tree ring dose not represent one year of grow. Or each layer of ice in the Arctic is not one year. They don't think humans are animals like the rest of mammals.
                                    
                                    This kind of careless thinking leads to most of the animal killed on earth in the last 40 years. Or Most the big trees and big fish killed also. About 99℅ of the species that ever lived on earth have gone extincted, mankind can easily go extincted also. Even by fictional stories like Noah's ark warn. It can be a optimist thing, giving other species a healthier chance to survive.
                                    
                                    The Origin of man in most popular scientist terms comes from homo sapiens out of Africa. There are many other theories, until another comes up with closer facts, I will go along what most scientist say.
                                    Even the Pope gose along with scientist.

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                                    wildernessposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                                    No doubt the Christian tale of creation does give rise to the first people being Asian.  As long as you "interpret" it that way, anyway.  And you are certainly free to use that story for the root of your personal belief.
                                    
                                    For myself, and for most other people, observation has produced a far different version, one much more in contact with reality.

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                        MizBejabbersposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                        I nearly missed your comment on this, I had intended to ask you your take on it. I don't like metaphors or symbolism, but instead prefer  people to actually speak their minds. According to my studies, that makes me intellectual rather than emotional. I guess that's why I like Zechariah Sitchen's writings. He says that the bible is just an outline of prehistory, and that we have to go outside it and study things like archaeology and anthropology to understand what really went on. I'm not an atheist, but neither can I buy the creation story in Genesis.

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                           The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

                           So now you know my take.    Yet, it is all Karma's means of keeping us guessing until it is our time to realize the whole picture.

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         The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Noah's family actually represents the four primary ethnic groups with Noah/Adam as the Father of civilization, Japheth/Cain are America's naives, Ham/Esau for African & Austrians and Shem/Jacob are Europeans. Noah's family represent a handful of people in each of the four general localities who maintained a balance understanding of life but without the "dominion powers" everyone who goes through the metamorphosis Jesus called "born again" will have to become man. That doesn't happen until the closing of civilization. Jesus called them "Ten Virgins" with 50% of the 10% of civilization's end time population which will enter into Armageddon just before the destruction of the USA called "Mystery Babylon".
         
         Noah and his three sons are the people like Aboriginals of Australia and Druids of Europe, I don't know the names of the American natives nor Asians. Adam, Cain, Esau and Jacob are those who were drowned in ignorance but doing today's last about 10 years of civilization most of them and beginning to intermingle with the "drowned" humans again - "as it was in the days of Noah so shall the coming of the end be" spoken of by Jesus - to determine who the 19 virgins are five of which follows the son of man into Armageddon or "Ark".
         
         We can see the destruction being caused by the intermingling of the two by looking at how there is fighting everywhere over money which has replaced "the knowledge of good and evil".

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   Oztinatoposted 6 years ago

   I have a new proverb:
   "Only fundamentalists and atheists take all the Bible literally"....by me.

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      PhoenixVposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      No truer words ever spoken.

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      Castlepalomaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      LOL

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      MizBejabbersposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      My  dad was an atheist, and he was also a Darwinian. Therefore, he did not take the bible at all, much less literally. He and I had many discussions, but at least his beliefs kept me from holding to my mother's fundamentalism. In fact I have written about this on HP.

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         The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         I suppose, based on how I was living prior to it, had I not gone through the metamorphosis or new birth I would be still in the mental wondering stage I was in prior to it. Now, however, I realize I was only following my destiny and everyone else is so none of us have any place to condemn others except it be our karma, that every present controller of life.

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            MizBejabbersposted 6 years agoin reply to this

            I agree with you, Elijah. We all have to awaken to the Ascension. Very few of us are born awake. Can you explain to me why the new prognosticators are saying that millennials are born without Karma? Why would they be unless they are not of this world? There are many of us starseed souls not of this world, but we older ones have karmas to work through.

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               The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

               MizB,
               Even Jesus had "karma" as I've revealed in my hub "Jesus' Karma". Not only does Jesus have it but what we call God does because every life-force throughout existence goes through THE learning-unlearning cycle governing existence.
               
               From that I can only say it is because they are only looking on the outer surface of karma. The words "understand" and "overstand" only means from which location one began seeking to comprehend the matter. To understand means "one began on top, worked around the outside, around and through the inside in lede to comprehend the subject completely" with "overstanding" being the opposite. Thus, they only surface-stand the meaning of it.

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   Castlepalomaposted 6 years ago

   Just like many western towns that depend on onesided products or one idea like oil and gas. They often enough turn into ghost town when there is a big changes because of lies or changes in the economy.
   
   My prediction is this 100 million dollar Noah Ark museum in KY. Will be flooded with so many contradictions and fairytales. It too will turn into a Holly ghost town.

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      The0NatureBoyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      That is very likely true, especially if civilization last long enough for it to happen.

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   Castlepalomaposted 6 years ago

   Ricky Gervais and Bill Cosby were my favorite comedy skits on Noah's Ark.

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      wildernessposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      R I G H T !

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