JOKE

1. 61

   qwarkposted 13 years ago

   His wife's graveside
                 service was just barely finished, when  there was
                 a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous 
                 bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
                 rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man
                 looked at the  pastor and calmly said,
                 'Well, she's there.
   ....got more?

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   1. 61

      Harvey Stelmanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      quark,
      
      Did it all come from the casket?

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      alexandriaruthkposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      and a husband is dead and the woman put in his grave "STIFF at LAST", vengeance hehe

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2. 65

   goldenpathposted 13 years ago

   Then it started snowing because the angels began shaking their heads at the new arrival.  Eventually, it commenced to rain fish as it was the only merciful way to spit her back to Earth.

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   1. 68

      Cathi Suttonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      She had died at the brewery where she worked.  When her husband heard the news of her death he asked, "Did she go quickly?"  To which he was answered, "Not exactly.  She fell in the beer vat, then got out three times to pee!"

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      1. 83

         earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         worked for me!

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3. 83

   earnestshubposted 13 years ago

   It's a cold Irish night and Paddy and his wife had settled in bed.
   Paddy's missus got her big pregnant belly comfortable finally, she stopped moaning and fell asleep.
   Paddy thought he was getting a good night's sleep so he blew out the candle.
   He was just dropping off when his missus cried out "Paddy would ye loit de candle?"
   Paddy gets up and lights the candle and she gives birth to a boy.
   After cleaning up the baby Paddy gets back into bed with the mother and baby and drops into a deep sleep.
   "Paddy would ye loit de candle" his wife suddenly crys out, and once again she gives birth this time to a girl.
   Paddy cleans up again and goes back to sleep only to hear "Paddy would ye de candle."
   I'll not loit de candle" says Paddy, "I tink de loits attractin em!

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4. 0

   Deborah Sextonposted 13 years ago

   My wife was hinting
   about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
   She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
   in about 3 seconds.'
   
   I bought her a bathroom scale.

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   1. 83

      earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      ..... but not nice!

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         Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Hello Earnest..

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5. 0

   Deborah Sextonposted 13 years ago

   I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
   Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
   
   So, I looked down at him and said, "OK, well, then which one are you?"

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   1. 67

      Faybe Bayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      

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         Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Good morning Faybe...(it's 4:18 AM where I am.)

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         1. 67

            Faybe Bayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Me too. I should be sleeping. I am a glutton for hub pages.

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               Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               I'm up to go to work..

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               1. 67

                  Faybe Bayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Need help? I need a job!

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                     Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                     Need lots of help..Are you a Nurse?
                     
                     Because I work at the hospital I have to be on time.
                     The doctors are there anywhere from..on time to 1 1/2-2 hours late.
                     The average doctor gets there 30 minutes late unless there is an urgency.
                     
                     I go in 30 minutes early most of the time to have breakfast in the cafeteria.

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                     1. 67

                        Faybe Bayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                        That's so ironic! Doctors are late! I hear ya. Are you in Florida, no I'm not a nurse, but I could be if it meant a job.
                        
                        I know I couldn't be a nurse, but I could do bed pans. I have changed adult diapers.

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                           Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                           C.N.A.s do a lot but they are also the ones who change bed pans.
                           They pack ulcers/sores..clean up vomit and feces. It's not a glamorous job.
                           You have to go to school to get the certification. Though most are 9 months long..some schools can certify you in a few weeks.
                           
                           Online I'd rather not say where I am. My name is Deborah but Deborah Sexton is my pen name...I had a problem with an extreme group on the internet once..so I no longer give my location.

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                           1. 67

                              Faybe Bayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                              Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I am in school to become an electrician. I thought they still had health aids, like helpers. I have had about 25 years experience helping with elderly and disabled. But I am out of the loop. Hospitals used to hire aides.
                              
                              I have cleaned up necrotic sores and done a lot of stuff I would not like to do again, but would to have a job. I like helping people.
                              I have to sleep. The only reason I referenced location is the time zone, you could be anywhere in the east.
                              
                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aur-tmqv-sw

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                                 Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                                 Yes, I am in the Eastern part of the USA.
                                 
                                 Faybe they no longer have aides..Now they have volunteers that work for free. They are retired people who feel they need to do something..thing is, they work them 6-8 hours a day with no pay.

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   2. 83

      earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      

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6. 60

   stephensaldanaposted 13 years ago

   Life has too many things to teach us... A famous chienese poet says: chiu liu mui fenghui shuihjdi chingo itima lung shung.....Its so touching.. and made me cry... won't it !! lols

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7. 0

   Deborah Sextonposted 13 years ago

   A  man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they  were there, the wife passed away.
   
   The undertaker told the husband, "You  can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her  shipped back home for $5000.
   The husband thought about it and told the  undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
   The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a  beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
   
   The husband  replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days  later, rose from the dead….. I just can’t take that  chance!!!!”

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   1. 61

      Harvey Stelmanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Deb,
      
      That is soooo old, it may be older than me.

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         Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I just heard it for the first time yesterday!..

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8. 67

   blondepoetposted 13 years ago

   I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
   He asked “How flexible are you?” I replied, “I can’t come on Tuesdays”.
   
   
   

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   1. 60

      stephensaldanaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      hahahhaha.. nice one.. well great thread to get some time to relax your mind and body.. haha

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      1. 67

         blondepoetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         

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   2. 62

      logic,commonsenseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      And Blonde Poets do it best!!!

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         blondepoetposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Here here Logic xox

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   3. 61

      Harvey Stelmanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Blondie,
      
      My wife of 32 years is blonde, Phi Beta Kappa, Magnum Cum Laude and straight A honors in grad school. I'm just smarter.

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9. 72

   Paradise7posted 13 years ago

   JOKE!
   
   A guy is in the bar, sitting next to another guy who's falling off his stool every five minutes.  The bartender says, "Why don't you be a good guy, a Good Samaritan, and drive this fella home?"
   
   The guy says, "Ok," and he takes the stumbling, legless drunk out the door to his car...he has to half-drag the man, the guy can't even barely walk...
   
   The drunk points out his house.  The drunk's wife answers the door.
   
   "Thank you for taking him home," she says, "but where's his wheelchair?"
   
   

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      stephensaldanaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      hahahhahhaha...not because of teh joke but after seeing teh faces of the cute cats.. hahahaha..

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10. 72

    Paradise7posted 13 years ago

    Another one, I thought this was kinda cute...
    
    In Alabama, it's illegal to drive a motor vehicle while blindfolded....I mean, really...DUH!
    
    

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11. 0

    selrachposted 13 years ago

    A famous cardioogist dies and is given a lavish funeral.As a tribute to his work, a huge heart stands beside his casket.After the eulogy,the heart opens and the casket rolls inside sealing the surgeon inside.At this point one of the mourners starts laughing I,m very sorry he says, I was thinking of my own funeral I,m a gynaecologist.

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    1. 59

       bunnyjumalonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I'm having a good laugh.....It keeps the doctor away!!!!!!!!LOL.........

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12. 62

    logic,commonsenseposted 13 years ago

    Jack and Jill worked at the same place.  One day their boss was told by his boss that due to the economy, one of them had to go.
    Their boss did not want to get rid of either as they were very good workers.  But he had to do what he was told.  It was a coin flip, so he decided whomever came back from break last would be  the one to go.  They both came back together.  He then decided whomever left for lunch first, would be the one to go.  They went to lunch together.  So he thought he'd just be upfront and see if one would volunteer.  He approached Jill and told her, "Jill, I have a dilemna, I have to lay you or Jack off."  Jill replied, " Well it will have to be the latter, as I have a headache!"

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13. 0

    Deborah Sextonposted 13 years ago

    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
    while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    
    "No," she answered.
    
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
    
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

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14. 0

    Deborah Sextonposted 13 years ago

    When I got home last night,
    my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
    so, I took her to a Gas station.

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15. 54

    mychalyisraelposted 13 years ago

    oh no was it a a.m. p.m. lol

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16. 61

    errum fattahposted 13 years ago

    not funny..iam listening this joke for more than several times but i didn't find any smile on my lips.

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17. 60

    stephensaldanaposted 13 years ago

    While creating men god said to women that good and ideal man can be found in every corner of the earth.. and just after he realized something he made earth round

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18. 60

    stephensaldanaposted 13 years ago

    Which is the 27th letter of teh alphabet??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????think think............????????????////
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Still thinking??????
    
    
    
    
    hummmm
    
    
    Which school kiddooo????? lols..

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19. 83

    earnestshubposted 13 years ago

    

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20. 60

    stephensaldanaposted 13 years ago

    Why Newton was shocked when he saw a beautiful girl naked? He found his penis going up, which was against his law of gravity lols

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