Top Google Search With Humor: Is It Safe To Eat Raw Cookie Dough and Other Nonsense

I never get tired of writing this series. Why? Because when I get done with these Google searches I feel somewhat superior to those who actually do the searches. I know, it’s not very Christian of me to say that, but hey, I’m only human, and every once in awhile I like to feel like I’m at the top of the food chain rather than the bottom. The nimrods who do these searches certainly make me feel good and that can never be a bad thing, right?

Let’s not delay any longer. Let us bravely go forth into the minds of our fellow human beings and find out what they are thinking. WARNING! This might be a frightening trip because let’s face it, these people are walking among us. They are your next door neighbor, your hair stylist, and your garbage man. Yes, most likely your garbage man! They are the mechanic in Anchorage, the car salesman in Topeka, and the chef at Bob’s Eatery in St. Louis. They are not to be trusted and they are to be avoided at all cost in case you see them coming your way.

Well, if it is not safe, then how did I survive this long? I’ve been eating raw cookie dough since I was old enough to beg my mother for it. She would finish making the cookie shapes and then I would lower my head into the bowl and lick the dough up like some starving dog in the desert. After that it was bath time but I didn’t care; I was satiated for another week, as happy as a vampire after meeting a solitary damsel on a dark, stormy night.

I need to give you a word of advice, however, because you could run into a few problems doing this. After you eat the cookie dough, do not, under any circumstances, stand near a heater. Doctors have proven that if too much heat is absorbed, the cookie dough will rise, and you could be pooping chocolate chip cookies for weeks. Would I lie to you about a thing like that?

Am I missing something here? I have to be honest with you; after I read this search question I did the math three times to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. Work with me here…..nine months…four weeks per month….that comes out to 36 weeks, right? I mean, they haven’t changed the multiplication tables, have they?

So these idiots want to know if it is safe to have a baby at full term???? Hell no you idiots; induce labor at 24 weeks instead. I don’t even know what to write regarding this question; the question is funny enough without me writing anything. One cool thing, though, that you might not have thought about: if you eat raw cookie dough during pregnancy, then your child will be a sugar addict just like you when it is born. Then you and your child can sit around and eat Kit Kats and watch soaps together for the next eighteen years.

Yes, yes it is; just don’t stop and keep driving straight through to Belize. It’s not traveling to Mexico that is unsafe; it is stopping in Mexico that can get you in trouble. Duh!

Have you ever been to Tijuana? The only way that city is safe is if you fly over it! They don’t eat raw cookie dough in Tijuana; they eat raw tourists there! You don’t think they really want your lilly-white butt in their country, do you? Why would they want any tourists, who think that Jerry Springer is intelligent, visiting their country?

Okay, I admit it, I had no idea what this meant until I did some research. Evidently Limewire is the latest in file sharing sites. Honestly, I still don’t know what that means, but I’m guessing you won’t be harmed physically if you download Limewire. What, some people think if you download it, that their computer will blow up in their faces? You will hit a key and lose your finger to a mini-explosion? What do you mean is it safe?

You may not want to download Limewire while in Mexico however; an activity like that is liable to get you a one-way ticket to the Tijuana House of Horrors, where you will be force-fed raw cookie dough made from ground up tortilla shells. Then you will be kept awake for days and be forced to listen to “Besame Mucho” over and over and over again! Nope, I would stay away from Limewire while in Mexico!

No, it’s not! Oh, it may not cause you any harm, but it most definitely will be embarrassing for your child when they see pictures of mom with purple hair and a protruding belly. Might as well go all the way and paint your stomach purple too, you plum-wannabe!

Seriously, if you want your newborn child to be well-adjusted, try not to have photos taken while you are exercising your right to be a free-spirit! What an adult thinks is cool just might emotionally scar the child for a lifetime. You would be better off having your picture taken while eating raw cookie dough and pounding shots of tequila in a Mexican cantina

We used to have a neighborhood boy who we called Shrimp! Kind of vertically challenged if you get the point. Anyway, no, it would not be safe to eat that shrimp. However, if you are talking about crustaceans, then go for it, but take the darn heads off first. How can you eat shrimp with those googly eyes looking at you? What are you, sick? Well, you will be sick if you eat shrimp in Mexico, so don’t even go there….unless you are pounding shots of tequila, in which case all bets are off…but you won’t remember any of it anyway so who cares, right?

If it isn’t safe to buy online then hundreds of millions of us are sicker than a Mexican hound right now!

Is it safe to buy online? What, do these people think some disease will attack you while visiting Amazon? Maybe some computer-generated brainwashing thing where you buy something from Amazon and then you have a craving for raw shrimp cookie dough for ten years? Or maybe you have an uncontrollable urge to visit Tijuana and look up that girl whose name was on the rest room wall at the mall? Trust me on this one: Maria, whoever she is, cannot possibly do all the things promised on the rest room wall. If she could she would have her own reality show on television.

While I’m gone trying to save the world, feel free to do your own Google searches for fun and enjoyment. Just don’t consider writing your own funny article about the results of your search. This is my gig and I get a little territorial about it. In fact, I get downright nasty when someone steals an idea from me. Some people just put copyright notices on their articles. I take it a step further. If you should write one of these articles, I have Maria visit your home while your wife is there. Try explaining to your little bride why Maria is attempting position number thirty-eight and she needs your assistance.

Remember: raw cookie dough is good; raw shrimp is bad; and raw anything in Mexico is definitely not good for your health. There….that should just about cover it all!

Nope, one more thing: I have nothing against Mexico, so please don’t get all outraged over my harmless fun. I have fond memories of driving through Tijuana as quickly as possible!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)