ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Top Google Search with Humor: How Do I Know When To Switch Breasts and Other Nonsense

Updated on July 15, 2013
Searching for answers in Yellowstone
Searching for answers in Yellowstone | Source
My son exhausted after searching for answers.
My son exhausted after searching for answers. | Source
Bev looking for answers.
Bev looking for answers. | Source

Yes it is that time again when we do a quick look at some of the more interesting searches on Google and Yahoo. If you have been following along you know by now that our fellow internet travelers have a tendency, from time to time, to be a bit confused about life. Hence they search online for answers to their most pressing questions.

I know how busy all of you are so I have taken it upon myself to put together a few of my favorite searches so you can share with me. Today’s search question is:

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO?

Having entered that question into the search engine I have determined what, in my opinion, are the top eight candidates for funniest search questions of the week. Of course, I felt compelled to add a spice of humor to each one, so I hope you don’t mind as I have a little fun with those out there who are a bit confused. Are you ready?

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO GET A DIVORCE?

Well, I know firsthand about this question but I didn’t have to go online to find the answer. I believe the first time it dawned on me that divorce might be a viable option was when my ex-wife threw the toaster at me one fine morning. I’m not sure what I had done to invoke her ire but I’m pretty damn sure it was a justifiable action on her part. Unfortunately for her she forgot to unplug the toaster before hurling it at me so it ended up falling on her toe instead of crowning me King of Jerks!

Enough about me! As a general rule I would say if you are asking this question to the internet gods then you already know the answer….THE TIME IS NOW!!!!

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO KISS HER?

Awwww…isn’t that sweet? There are guys out there (or maybe girls) who are shy and unsure of themselves and don’t know how to read the signs of dating. I went through this when I was younger. Totally clueless I was and I would actually ask the girl/woman if I could kiss her. Smooth was not my middle name in case you were wondering! For me dating was kind of like trying to figure out computer technology except I didn’t have the Geek Squad to call when standing on the doorstep shifting my feet and almost peeing down my leg because I was scared to death. I just figured I was going to be denied anyway so might as well take the mystery out of it and just ask her. Nothing to lose!

A word of advice if you don’t mind: You might want to just go ahead and kiss her before you reach the point where you are doing internet searches about when to get a divorce! In fact, you can bet the people doing that divorce search didn’t kiss nearly enough or they were kissing the wrong person!

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO CHANGE MY TIRES?

Well, not while you are kissing her, that’s for damn sure! Is it my imagination or are we as a civilization losing the ability to change a tire? Maybe the answer to my question is in the question highlighted above. If you have to ask when to change a tire there is a pretty good chance you don’t know how to do it. Thank God for AAA….or AA if you prefer! I thank God for both organizations.

As a general rule if the tire is as smooth as a baby’s bottom you might want to consider changing it. If little pieces of metal are sticking out of the tire you might want to consider changing it. If you burn rubber going five miles per hour you might want to consider changing it. And if your spouse is suing you for divorce catch a cab, leave them the car and do not consider changing the tire. You might, however, want to kiss the cab driver for getting you out of a potentially bad situation involving flying toasters.

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO CHANGE MY OIL?

Really? This one really needs to be looked up? Have you ever looked at new oil right out of a can? It is almost pretty in color. Now look at oil that has been in the engine for a couple years. It looks like the beef gravy my grandmother used to make when she was eighty-five and needed a guide dog to find the kitchen. Big difference, right?

The other thing to consider: How long has it been since you last changed it? 25,000 miles? 100,000 miles? Ever? Do you even know what a dipstick is? Are you a dipstick? I would help take you through the steps of changing your oil but seriously, Jiffy Lube is in every city in the continental United States and for twenty bucks let them get oil all over their clothes. Besides, you can use your time more constructively by kissing your spouse so they don’t divorce you and leave you with bald tires.

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST?

Am I just clueless? Is this really a serious question asked often by women? I decided that I really am that clueless because the first thing I thought of is if you are showing then it might be a little late to be worrying about a pregnancy test! I would hope you aren’t taking one after your husband sues for divorce because you were kissing the cab driver. There is another joke here about dipsticks but I’m going to pass on that one. With that I think I’ll move on to the next question on our list.

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO GET PREGNANT?

Here we go again! Try to remember, ladies, that a man is writing this. The obvious answer to me is you get pregnant whenever you want to get pregnant. Maybe that explains why I failed so many tests in school. I obviously need to study a bit more. I would suggest you wait until your partner figures out where the dipstick is and he offers to change your oil. Just make sure his tires aren’t flat or worn down from too much road wear.

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO STOP PUMPING?

Oh boy! I was going to write that you stop pumping when the gasoline is flowing out of your gas tank onto the pavement or when the tire is fully inflated. Then I asked Bev and she explained the facts of breast feeding to me and this all became crystal clear. I’m going to let you make your own jokes at this point because I’m not touching this one with a two pound toaster or a foot long dipstick.

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO SWITCH BREASTS?

Ummm…. Well….Ummm….Well….! No, I can’t do it! I would get in so much trouble if I wrote what I’m thinking right now. I’m going to claim the Fifth Amendment and stop while I’m ahead. Don’t even think about asking Mr. Dipstick because his mind will go right where mine did and that will surely lead to flying toasters and inevitable divorce. If you really don’t know then go ask your mother for God’s sake and leave me out of this altogether.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOR THIS WEEK!

I don’t know who these people are who do these searches. They are probably very well-meaning folks who just get confused easily, kind of like me when I’m trying to figure out how URLs work and how to download them for better visibility. I have no doubt that eventually they will figure out the mysteries of life. Until they do, however, keep on the lookout for anyone driving a car with bald tires and being chased by a pregnant woman who is switching breasts while she brandishes a dipstick and hurls a toaster.

2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Cheat-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-You-Make-A-Baby

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Pooja, thank you; I will have to do that google search and see what I can come up with.

    • poojasd7 profile image

      poojasd7 5 years ago from India

      He he he.... You surely know how to tickle the funny bones!

      The interesting auto-prompt answers we get here in India are way too funny for the questions starting with: Why do Girls....

      or Why do guys....

      It's a weird world. :D

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sonya, hopefully you didn't spit out milk or anything while you were reading this. I have to admit I laugh quite a bit while I'm writing them. Thank you as always!

    • Sonya L Morley profile image

      Sonya L Morley 5 years ago from Edinburgh

      I laughed out loud reading this, fabulous!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rajan, thank you for stopping by; I'm glad you got a chuckle out of it.

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 5 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Very amusing. You brightened up my day with these digs.

      Thanks.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eddy, I always thought I should have been British; my sense of humor is appreciated much more by you folks across the Pond. Americans just don't have a refined sense of humor like you and I do. :) Thank you my dear and have a productive and loving week.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Baking, now that was funny! I'm glad you enjoyed my exercise in silliness. Keep on the lookout, these people are everywhere.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

      A definite up up and away here.

      Your sense of humour is brilliant and here's to many many more hubs of all genre to share on here.

      Take care my friend and have a wonderful day.

      Eddy,.

    • BakingBread-101 profile image

      BakingBread-101 5 years ago from Nevada

      Maybe we could go in together on a business venture -- we could bottle "stupid" and sell it! (Hey, pet rocks sold)!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Baking, I'm afraid there is no shortage of stupid. I had a friend who was a dealer in Vegas and he had some great stories. I commend you on being able to hold your tongue; I'm afraid my smart-ass ways would get me in trouble down there. Your anecdotes are funnier than my hub. Thank you for stopping by and making me laugh.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruchira, thank you and I love your new hub and now know what the heck a chutney is. :) Have a fantastic day of peace and happiness.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Debbie, thank you! I must admit even I knew how to kiss a girl; I just couldn't find one willing to try with me. :) Have a wonderful day my friend filled with love and happiness.

    • BakingBread-101 profile image

      BakingBread-101 5 years ago from Nevada

      Thank you thank you thank you! And I thought they handed out stupid pills at the door of the casino I work at. For example, woman hands in a $10 bill and gets 10 roulette chips--she wants to know what are they worth?

      I'm a table games supervisor and a guy asks if I'll get him a drink. I told him no, but the waitress would be glad to.

      Guy sits at the blackjack table and places a bet. He gets two cards - a 7 and a 6. He asks the dealer how much he has and the dealer replies 13. He takes a 3rd card which is a 2. He looks at it for quite some time. Finally, he asks the dealer, "how much do I have now?"

      Girl comes up to the blackjack table and wants to know, "Can I just run a tab?" (Uh, NO. You don't have a line of credit with the casino.)

      Guy hands in his "player's card" (which is a card that has a membership number on it, we record it and write down the player's play time and average bet) and wants to take money out on it. He has no credit line. I explain I can get a host for him. The guy complains that I am racist. I ask, "How do you get that I am racist out of me denying you money because you don't have a line of credit with us." His reply, "Well, you gave the other guy money." (The other guy had a line of credit established.)

      Why do people ask, "Do you have a bathroom here?" in a huge casino? Sometimes I answer, "No, not here, but if you walk 50 feet over there you will find one." Other times I simply reply, "Yes."

      Anyway, another great hub!

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

      Bill...hope while doing your taxes you got humored by this exciting n fun searches...lol

      Keep entertains us :)

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      well Billy this is awesome read. You can Google anything.. How to kiss a girl.. I thought that just comes naturally.

      Love your hub.

      take care

      blessing

      voted up

      Debbie

    • Jamie Brock profile image

      Jamie Brock 5 years ago from Texas

      oatmeal.. hehe!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill.....Doing my taxes IS my levity! In fact, it's hysterically hilarious!!! I owe HOW MUCH??!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Christy, I'm so glad you found it funny; I had a blast writing it, as usual. Thank you my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Karen, my pleasure...really...glad to do it...no smidgen of sarcasm at all. Thank you my friend; glad I could return some laughs your way.

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      You are so funny! I love the concept for the hub and your witty answers to the questions :) Voting up for sure

    • ImKarn23 profile image

      Karen Silverman 5 years ago

      LOL..so kind of you, Billy - to take on this arduous task on our behalf! Lol - i DO mean that, not even a smidgen of sarcasm..(lol). Love your attitude, humor - and ability to convey them to us - your lowly followers!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cleaner my friend, I absolutely insist on having fun in life. Glad you enjoyed and thank you for stopping by. I'll visit you as soon as I finish my taxes.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly, this is way beyond my area of expertise? If you ever find out, though, I'd love to know! :) Thank you my dear and I'm glad you enjoyed this silliness!

    • cleaner3 profile image

      cleaner3 5 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

      Billi, you do have a great sense of humor, very funny, I think?

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Hilarious and what a brilliant idea! Wow! That is funny...I am dying laughing at this!

      Really? I didn't even know ladies could switch their breasts! Sheesh I went for the bottle feeding so my husband could help out...I guess I missed this info...ha! Can women trade them too whilst all the switching in going on?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, love it! I'm doing taxes today and needed a little levity!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Yes... I'll take that voucher...and...uh...yeah...YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE...OR THE OTHER ONE!!

      I'm sorry about my comments giving you a complex. Let's see, how can I lift your spirits?

      hmmmmmm.....I know! BEV....oh BEV...bev, can you hear me? Would you take billy for an ice cream cone and put it on my tab??!! Thanks Girlfriend! I owe ya one!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, why is it that your comments are always funnier than my hubs? It's not supposed to be that way and I'm suffering from an inferiority complex now because of it. The least you could do is let me be the funniest just once! As for your breasts...well....ummm....I'm not touching that one, literally! Thanks buddy, glad you enjoyed it...I can give you a voucher that gives you a free pass on commenting on my next five hubs if that will help?

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill....Ugh.....same old line, same old story...I hate repeating myself over and over...but OK, here goes.......

      Another absolutely awesome read. Up, interesting, funny useful...all that stuff. Would you consider just taking the kudos for granted from now on, to save some time? This hub is a winner.

      I gave it some thought, bill, but I'm sure that I am not going to switch my breasts. I mean, switch them for what? I'm just so used to them now and aside from a tiny shift, they're really OK. (I've never been one to fix what ain't broke) I'm sorry to be so rigid, but I can't imagine anything I would switch them for that would serve the same purpose, fit on my body as apprpriately as they do..and well....we're really all quite attached to one another. But thanks for the info anyway, buddy!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Karen, rainy indeed! We are getting drenched here so it's a good day for writing....but first taxes! I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness and have a wonderful weekend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Teaches, we all need a little humor throughout the day; glad I could provide my friend and have a peaceful and restful weekend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shimmering, welcome back and I'm glad I could provide a little humor for you. Have a wonderful weekend and I look forward to your next hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Emma, that is just too funny! I may have to do that search and find out what they said. People are, indeed, very humorous. Thank you for dropping by and have a marvelous weekend.

    • Karen Hellier profile image

      Karen Hellier 5 years ago from Georgia

      This is hilarious. You have a great sense of humor and it comes through in your writing. Thanks for a good laugh on a rainy morning!!! Voted up and funny!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      Enjoyed reading the different searches. Humourous!! Thanks for sharing.

    • shimmering Dawn profile image

      shimmering Dawn 5 years ago

      This was a good one.. hahha.. Made my return to Hubland enjoyable. Thanks for sharing it. Have a blessed day.

    • Emma Harvey profile image

      Emma Harvey 5 years ago from Berkshire, UK

      Love the hub - it's unbelievable!

      I would love to do this search, just for my own entertainment. Actually, the question of the day on Ask Jeeves is 'Is icecream addictive like drugs?'

      I'd better not check the answer...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TOF....if one lives in the country one better have a sense of humor. I think the vast majority of us ignore the political theatre and just live our lives despite our politicians. Thank you for dropping by; I'll let Jamie know about the oatmeal. :) Take care and best of luck with that desperation.

    • The Old Firm profile image

      The Old Firm 5 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

      Gidday Billy, Better tell Jamie that oatmeal is what you feed oats, it's sort of like organic bovine fertiliser but more masculine.

      It's great to see that Americans DO have a sense of humour, I suspected as much when I saw your political theatre. Ours shows we have a sense of desperation, resignation, indignation and the bizarre.

      Cheers,

      TOF

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jamie, that little story of yours was funnier than my whole hub! Oatmeal??? Is it possible anyone in the United States does not know what oatmeal is? Thanks for that great laugh and for dropping by. Glad you enjoyed it!

    • Jamie Brock profile image

      Jamie Brock 5 years ago from Texas

      LOL! I wish I could say I'm surprised at this but I'm just not.. my neighbor told me the other day he didn't know what oatmeal was. Geezzz... Thanks for the funny hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, you are the one who cracks me up. You are an infectious human being and I say that in a very positive manner. Thank you and I'm looking forward to more updates about your life change. Be strong and stay on the path; it is going to pay huge dividends in the very near future.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

      Hehehe, you always manage to make me crack a smile. ;)

      Where do you find these searches? Haha. Another brilliantly funny hub. Keep 'em coming.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well, Lyn, I'm so glad you hopped in too. Thanks for dropping by my site and I'm glad you got a few giggles out of it.

    • Lyn.Stewart profile image

      Lyn.Stewart 5 years ago from Auckland, New Zealand

      Im soo glad I hopped into this hub ... This is too funny so thanks for the laughs.

      voted up etc.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, that is too funny! I'm glad to know there are others out there who ask first. I have to admit I was never worried about getting hit; rejection was my biggest concern. Thanks as always for your support.

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      Always look forwad to reading these. I love how you tied them all together. Brilliant!!! It concerns me that something always seems to pop up about getting pregnant or knowing if you are pregnant. This explains why there are so many way too young mothers who don't know who the baby daddy is. They are getting their sex advice through google! This also fondly reminded me of how guys always used to ask before they kissed me. Even in my college years. The time one of them followed it with, you aren't going to punch me are you, is when I realized it must be because I have that certian look :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ardie, I started out trying to be understanding but some of these people are just clueless. I love that you loved it; thank you so much my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jlava, thank you for stopping by again. I love writing these as it's a nice break from the inspirational stuff I write. I'm glad you got some good laughs out of this one.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Greatstuff, thank you so much! I love having fun in life and there is no end to the material presented to me on these google searches.

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Wow, these are indeed some confused people! I never realized women were so clueless about breastfeeding, pumping and all that other stuff. They teach you this in the hospital before you leave. You get what's called a lactation consultant. As for the other things? Use common sense. Divorce once you start smacking the crap out of each other more often than not, kiss her when she shows signs of not vomiting when you walk in the room, and change your oil when the dummy light comes on :D You know - I dont feel so nice after leaving this comment. Oh well!! Great Hub Bill - I love it - laughing so hard!

    • Jlava73 profile image

      Jennifer Vasconcelos 5 years ago from Cyberspace and My Own World

      Hi Billy,

      Love these Hubs of yours. Things that make ya go HMMM...LOL. Thanks for the laughs. Great song too!

    • greatstuff profile image

      Mazlan 5 years ago from Malaysia

      Hey Billybuc, you're funny. Really enjoyed reading this. Voted up and shared.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh Sherri, that is a classic comment. Why in the world would someone need to know if a spider is right side up? I love it! Thank you for reading and I'm glad you found it funny!

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 5 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      Wonderful, funny read! I do share your puzzlement about who asks these questions.

      I generally get a good chuckle or two out of viewing my hubs' keyword stats. For a hub I wrote about how to catch and release spiders, someone had found the hub by asking, "should i turn a spider right side up." I can only imagine what the searcher was thinking, and it's all bizarre. Voted up and very, very funny. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh Lisa, that is so funny! I'll be thinking of mittens every time I see him on television now. Thanks for the laugh...he does sort of look like a mitten, doesn't he? LOL

    • EclecticFusion profile image

      Lisa 5 years ago from Tennessee

      Haha! The things people have to look up! I definitely know that my niece didn't look up the one about changing your oil because she killed a car by never putting any in it! That was years ago, and we still bug her about that!

      I work online as what you'd call a "human powered search engine" and I had a question last week that made me laugh for about 10 minutes! It was: "Is Mitt Romney's real name Mittens?" Although I was tempted, I did not tell them they were stupid, I just told them no and that Mittens is a cat's name! I get all kinds of questions!

      Voted this one funny(hilarious), awesome, useful, and way up! Great job!