- Gender and Relationships
Top Google Search with Humor: How Do I Know When To Switch Breasts and Other Nonsense
Yes it is that time again when we do a quick look at some of the more interesting searches on Google and Yahoo. If you have been following along you know by now that our fellow internet travelers have a tendency, from time to time, to be a bit confused about life. Hence they search online for answers to their most pressing questions.
I know how busy all of you are so I have taken it upon myself to put together a few of my favorite searches so you can share with me. Today’s search question is:
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO?
Having entered that question into the search engine I have determined what, in my opinion, are the top eight candidates for funniest search questions of the week. Of course, I felt compelled to add a spice of humor to each one, so I hope you don’t mind as I have a little fun with those out there who are a bit confused. Are you ready?
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO GET A DIVORCE?
Well, I know firsthand about this question but I didn’t have to go online to find the answer. I believe the first time it dawned on me that divorce might be a viable option was when my ex-wife threw the toaster at me one fine morning. I’m not sure what I had done to invoke her ire but I’m pretty damn sure it was a justifiable action on her part. Unfortunately for her she forgot to unplug the toaster before hurling it at me so it ended up falling on her toe instead of crowning me King of Jerks!
Enough about me! As a general rule I would say if you are asking this question to the internet gods then you already know the answer….THE TIME IS NOW!!!!
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO KISS HER?
Awwww…isn’t that sweet? There are guys out there (or maybe girls) who are shy and unsure of themselves and don’t know how to read the signs of dating. I went through this when I was younger. Totally clueless I was and I would actually ask the girl/woman if I could kiss her. Smooth was not my middle name in case you were wondering! For me dating was kind of like trying to figure out computer technology except I didn’t have the Geek Squad to call when standing on the doorstep shifting my feet and almost peeing down my leg because I was scared to death. I just figured I was going to be denied anyway so might as well take the mystery out of it and just ask her. Nothing to lose!
A word of advice if you don’t mind: You might want to just go ahead and kiss her before you reach the point where you are doing internet searches about when to get a divorce! In fact, you can bet the people doing that divorce search didn’t kiss nearly enough or they were kissing the wrong person!
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO CHANGE MY TIRES?
Well, not while you are kissing her, that’s for damn sure! Is it my imagination or are we as a civilization losing the ability to change a tire? Maybe the answer to my question is in the question highlighted above. If you have to ask when to change a tire there is a pretty good chance you don’t know how to do it. Thank God for AAA….or AA if you prefer! I thank God for both organizations.
As a general rule if the tire is as smooth as a baby’s bottom you might want to consider changing it. If little pieces of metal are sticking out of the tire you might want to consider changing it. If you burn rubber going five miles per hour you might want to consider changing it. And if your spouse is suing you for divorce catch a cab, leave them the car and do not consider changing the tire. You might, however, want to kiss the cab driver for getting you out of a potentially bad situation involving flying toasters.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO CHANGE MY OIL?
Really? This one really needs to be looked up? Have you ever looked at new oil right out of a can? It is almost pretty in color. Now look at oil that has been in the engine for a couple years. It looks like the beef gravy my grandmother used to make when she was eighty-five and needed a guide dog to find the kitchen. Big difference, right?
The other thing to consider: How long has it been since you last changed it? 25,000 miles? 100,000 miles? Ever? Do you even know what a dipstick is? Are you a dipstick? I would help take you through the steps of changing your oil but seriously, Jiffy Lube is in every city in the continental United States and for twenty bucks let them get oil all over their clothes. Besides, you can use your time more constructively by kissing your spouse so they don’t divorce you and leave you with bald tires.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST?
Am I just clueless? Is this really a serious question asked often by women? I decided that I really am that clueless because the first thing I thought of is if you are showing then it might be a little late to be worrying about a pregnancy test! I would hope you aren’t taking one after your husband sues for divorce because you were kissing the cab driver. There is another joke here about dipsticks but I’m going to pass on that one. With that I think I’ll move on to the next question on our list.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO GET PREGNANT?
Here we go again! Try to remember, ladies, that a man is writing this. The obvious answer to me is you get pregnant whenever you want to get pregnant. Maybe that explains why I failed so many tests in school. I obviously need to study a bit more. I would suggest you wait until your partner figures out where the dipstick is and he offers to change your oil. Just make sure his tires aren’t flat or worn down from too much road wear.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO STOP PUMPING?
Oh boy! I was going to write that you stop pumping when the gasoline is flowing out of your gas tank onto the pavement or when the tire is fully inflated. Then I asked Bev and she explained the facts of breast feeding to me and this all became crystal clear. I’m going to let you make your own jokes at this point because I’m not touching this one with a two pound toaster or a foot long dipstick.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN TO SWITCH BREASTS?
Ummm…. Well….Ummm….Well….! No, I can’t do it! I would get in so much trouble if I wrote what I’m thinking right now. I’m going to claim the Fifth Amendment and stop while I’m ahead. Don’t even think about asking Mr. Dipstick because his mind will go right where mine did and that will surely lead to flying toasters and inevitable divorce. If you really don’t know then go ask your mother for God’s sake and leave me out of this altogether.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOR THIS WEEK!
I don’t know who these people are who do these searches. They are probably very well-meaning folks who just get confused easily, kind of like me when I’m trying to figure out how URLs work and how to download them for better visibility. I have no doubt that eventually they will figure out the mysteries of life. Until they do, however, keep on the lookout for anyone driving a car with bald tires and being chased by a pregnant woman who is switching breasts while she brandishes a dipstick and hurls a toaster.
2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)