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Top Google Search with Humor: Is It Possible To Get Pregnant and Other Nonsense.

Updated on September 26, 2014
Beware of drinking too much water.
Beware of drinking too much water. | Source
The author, exhausted after answering these questions.
The author, exhausted after answering these questions. | Source
Bev looking for answers about curving bullets.
Bev looking for answers about curving bullets. | Source

Yes, it’s that time again, the time when I put aside my seriousness and allow my sarcastic side to break free of its chains and roam loose. If you have been paying attention the past few months you will know that I amuse myself from time to time by asking the first part of a question and then doing a Google search to see what others out there in Internet Land are searching for; judging from the many comments I have gotten from all of you this evidently amuses you too. Or maybe I amuse you? Or maybe you are shocked that a grown man would waste his time doing this silliness? Whatever the reason quite a few of you have read the past installments and commented favorably and that’s all the incentive I need to go forth and bravely make another internet search.

Today’s question is : Is it possible to……? Are you with me? Shall we see what hundreds of thousands of your fellow inhabitants in this insane asylum we call life are searching for? Okay, let’s do it to it like Sonny Pruitt!

IS IT POSSIBLE TO DRINK TOO MUCH WATER?

Yes, it is, and it’s called drowning! Do I need to go on? Who worries about this? I’ve lived sixty-three years and not once have I had a sleepless night worrying about the amount of water I have poured down my throat. Now, if you were to ask me is it possible to drink too much Scotch or Boones Farm then the answer would be a definite YES! Is it possible to drink too much battery acid? Again, a definite YES! Is it possible to drink too much mouthwash? Again, YES!

I have serious concerns about the future of the world! I seem to recall my grandmother telling me that if I drank too much milk I would float away like a boat. I wonder if the same thing happens if you drink too much water. You are standing at the kitchen sink having a glass of water and suddenly you start floating out the door. Damn, forgot my anchor again!

IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET PREGNANT?

Read it again; I swear to you all that there are people doing searches on this subject. Is it possible to get pregnant? Let’s see, how shall we handle this one? Yes, Little Janie, it is possible to get pregnant. As Sister Mary Elizabeth told us in class one day, if you have lustful thoughts about a boy you can become pregnant. This coming from a woman who probably couldn’t spell pregnant let alone having never experienced it. I want to know how it is all of us who went to Catholic schools ended up semi-normal with that kind of advice being dished out in class? Wait! Maybe that explains this search. Everyone who is doing this search attended Catholic school. Now it makes perfect sense to me.

Unless….unless the people doing this search are men in which case there are so many new issues we need to discuss. You don’t think that’s possible do you? Please tell me men aren’t asking this question!

IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET YOUR PERIOD DURING PREGNANCY?

Oh my! Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought menstruation and pregnancy were mutually exclusive and if I know that why don’t women know that? Unless, again, these are men asking the question and then all bets are off! What the hell does a man know about periods and pregnancy? We know that we caused the pregnancy and we know enough to tiptoe around the house during menstruation but that’s about the extent of our knowledge. For most men ignorance is a blissful state they would prefer not to leave.

Somehow over my years I have picked up a tidbit or two about this subject and I do happen to know that bleeding can occur during pregnancy; it is actually called pregnancy bleeding but is usually not in the amount one would see during menstruation and quite frankly I have no desire to go any further with this subject. If you are a woman and you don’t know this then shame on you! A sixty-three year old man knows more about pregnancy than you do! If you are a man and you don’t know this then just go back to your ostrich routine and it will all pass over soon.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO LEVITATE?

Yes, and it happens right after you drink too much water and drown! Your soul levitates up to heaven where you will be surrounded by women wondering why they are still bleeding after death.

I want a show of hands right now! How many of you really believe in levitation? Maybe this has to do with what Sister Mary Elizabeth was talking about. If you are lustful and you are a guy then yes, at least one part of you can levitate. I think I may have just crossed that invisible line between humor and bad taste. Well, it’s too late to erase it now. Let’s just levitate ourselves to the next question.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO TIME TRAVEL?

I actually wrote about this in my novel, “The 12/59 Shuttle From Yesterday To Today.” Get it? Travelling through time? Get it? However, that was a work of fiction and not for a second do I believe it is possible to do what my main character Sheila does in my novel.

I know, Jules Verne wrote about it and I know, many scientists think it is possible, but until I wake up in 1860 having a beer with Abe Lincoln I’m going to have to remain a skeptic on this subject. Oh sure, back in my drinking days, I would wake up from a drunk and not know what day it was, but that’s a hell of a leap from blackout to time travel. One is caused from too much booze; the other is caused by forgetting your meds.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO GROW TALLER?

Well yes it is and we all do it as we advance in age during the early years of our life. If it wasn’t possible we would all still be wearing the little sailor suits our mothers bought for us when we were little tadpoles. We would all be thirty-six or whatever age and revving the engines on our Tonka Trucks. We would all be…..okay, you get the point!

I’m not even sure what this question means? Was this asked by a bevy of middle-aged guys with short-man syndrome? Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I’m reminded of a song by Travis Tritt entitled,”Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof.” Quite a few men can relate to having too much to drink and thinking that we are bigger than we really are, but usually once we soberup we are still stuck at five-ten and resigned to that reality. I hesitate to break the news to you people but when we get older, and I’m talking about past the age of twenty-something, we eventually shrink in size. Oh my, can you imagine the swarm of questions that news is going to start?

Is IT POSSIBLE TO CURVE A BULLET?

Nolan Ryan, Hall of Fame pitcher and now president of the Texas Rangers, once tried to curve a bullet throwing it from the pitcher’s mound to home plate. The attempt was unsuccessful because he could not properly grip the bullet to make it curve.

No, folks, please don’t believe that; I invented that story. If you believed that story you have been drinking way too much water. I happen to know that a bullet will curve during flight because of atmospheric conditions but seriously, that’s not what this question asks. This question asks if it is possible for the shooter to curve the bullet, like pulling the trigger in such a way that the bullet will curve around a tree. Or maybe the person is thinking of pulling the trigger and at the same time putting spin on the rifle barrel causing the bullet to curve. I wonder if it is possible to curve a bullet from yesterday to today?

I HAVE PRETTY MUCH HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FOR TODAY

The secret is now out: I am a closet internet searcher who gets his thrills doing these searches. Hey, it’s better than searching for a Russian bride who thinks I’m a sexy and sensitive man. I wonder if there is help for someone like me. Maybe there are support groups out there where folks like me with similar character defects can get counseling. Something like “Internet Idiots Anonymous” or “Too Much Time On My Hands Anonymous.” People could go to those meetings and ask each other if it’s possible to get pregnant from drinking too much water while curving a levitating bullet around a time-travelling woman having her period while pregnant. If there is such a meeting sign me up; I need more fodder for my next article.

2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)

If you would like to read anymore from this series then here they are:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-How-Do-I-Know-When-To-Switch-Breasts-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Cheat-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-You-Make-A-Baby

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    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Actually I'm aware of that Robert! This was a comical spoof on all searches. Thanks for the information!

    • profile image

      Robert 5 years ago

      It is possible to drink too much water. If you drink too much water your electrolytes can get so low you can end up with heart issues, dizziness, fainting, and even death. My doctor thought I had major heart issues and put me on heavy drugs and sent me to a electrophysiologist who was puzzled. Luckily we figured out all that was wrong with me was I was drinking too much. I cut down the drinking and all my issues went away...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Iefox5, you should be writing these; that was very funny! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

    • iefox5 profile image

      iefox5 5 years ago

      When I type "how easy" in the search bar, Google auto-suggest "how easy do you think it is to sneak into the zoo i need to see some penguins right now",lol

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vicki....:)

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      ...and for yours, too, Bill. I'm looking forward to seeing what your produce. You're very talented and have inspired me to pursue my dream. I thank you so much for that!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vicki, it will be an alcoholism book and I'll let you know when the website is up. Thanks so much for your friendship!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Let me know when your website is up. Would love to see it. That's great! What's your Kindle book about, if you can say...?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelley, you are such a nice person. With each day I think I like you more. Thank you Kelley; you are very appreciated by little old me.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Vicki! This may be my favorite series; well, this and my tributes to my supporters...and you are a huge supporter.

      Have a great weekend my dear! We are working on my new website and it's pretty exciting...that and a new Kindle book!

    • profile image

      kelleyward 5 years ago

      You are such a talent! This is so funny. I ran across how to grow taller once while searching for something else. I couldn't believe how many people actually thought this worked. Voted up and funny! Take care, Kelley

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 5 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Aw, thanks, I needed that. So, so funny!! Wonderfully and cleverly written! :-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jeannie, imagine my shock when I found out I couldn't time travel! It just doesn't seem fair! I had a decoder ring and magic pixie dust and nothing worked. :) Thanks my friend for following along!

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Each time I read another hub from this series, I lose faith in the human race a little more. However, your sense of humor makes up for it. So thanks for making me laugh. I still wish I could time travel though...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jools, I do believe it is possible for people to be this stupid and that frighten me. This is the future of the human race? Have we fallen so far off the pedestal we once stood on? I'm glad you got a laugh; I love doing these searches; they feed my sarcastic nature.

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

      Billy, is it really possible for people to be this stupid? Goodness Me, I worry about the human race sometimes - thankfully, this lot don't have the intellect to do any real damage!

      Voted up, a funny hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sanne, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I had loads of fun writing it. Have a marvelous day across the Pond!

    • SanneL profile image

      SanneL 5 years ago from Sweden

      This was truly funny! Lol! I can't believe people actually

      asking these questions!! Good writing as usual. Thanks for the laugh today.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jama, Neeles is one funny man. That's not the first time his comment has been funnier than my hub. Good thing I like him or I might develop a complex. Have a good evening my dear and thank you for visiting me so often today.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Bill, glad I could provide you a good belly laugh!

      You and neeleshkulkarni should team up, btw. Call yourselves "Smart and Smarter". lol! His comment had me ROTFLMBO!! Life really IS simple when looked at from his prospective!

      As for my computer, the hard drive is a replacement and I didn't know it had one, teensy-weensy, bad sector that wigs out now and again until (naturally) the warranty had expired. Very simple to fix actually. Just unplug the power cord and mouse, and pull out the battery for a minute or so, then put it back together and when it comes back on, watch it examine all the sectors. Really just a minor inconvenience, not the total disaster it sounds like. ;D

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Neeles, so nice to see you return. I have missed your sense of humor and your outlook on life. I hope you are well. As well as you write these comments I am surprised you have not written one of these hubs yourself. You had me laughing all the way through your comment. Thank you my friend and peace and happiness to you and yours.

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image

      neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

      excellent questions which you made light of for no reason except that you did not know the right answers.

      For instance the answer to the question is it possible to get pregnant is a firm NO.if you don't believe me try getting regnant!

      the answer to the question "is it possible to time, travel " is yes it is fairly easy.every time you travel carry a nice stopwatch with you and put it on when you start and press the stop button when you stop and read off the time sent in traveling.If someone did not know this what is wrong in asking uncle google?

      is it possible to drink too much water?Of course it is and the only time you realize this is when you are traveling by bus, (with no loo in it)the next stop is 4 hours awat, the cranky bus driver would not stop by the wayside, it is pitch dark outside and there is danger of snakes and scorpions taking a bite at you if you get down and you so veryyy badly want to go!!!!Try telling yourself then that the last glass of water that you drank was not "too much water"and when you get down and are warmly greeted by your wife and kids try explaining to them the damp patches on your trouser front as not being "too much water"

      Life really is simple Bill and we need to question it again and again-just as we need to keep reading these lovely ones from you.

      lol and rofl.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jama, I'm laughing so hard now I have tears in my eyes. I actually wrote a short story about that very topic. My mother caught me once...well, long story. lol...Thank you so much and I'm glad you got a laugh out of this silliness. Best of luck with that damn computer.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Bill, I was in the middle of leaving a comment on your Old Barn hub when my computer crashed (which it does periodically - no big deal, just inconvenient). Anyway, up and running again, this hub was first in the HP feed, so I came here instead. Haven't laughed soooo hard in months! Thanks!

      Have to wonder, tho, why you didn't mention the flip side of "lustful thoughts cause pregnancy", i.e. "masturbating causes blindness?". Don't know why, but that one seems to be even more of a classic among non-Catholics. Maybe good little Baptist boys never question it? Just sayin'...

      Voted up and funnnnnnny! Off I go to barns and cemeteries! ;D

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Teaches I can't imagine not having the net. It is amazing how quickly I can find information or have nagging little questions answered...not to mention YouTube and Pandora for my musical fix. Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Will do Dana! :)

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      I think I may have asked a couple of those questions before. It is interesting to see what is out there on the net. I am glad that we do have it though, because I do have lots of questions. I just have to sift through the off-the-wall responses that the SEO brings up. Great hub and totally enjoyed!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, laughing my ass off right now. Maybe you had better do that search and quickly. :) Thank you my dear for always being here with a kind word.

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      haha! I am sure you must have had a sailor suit and I am sure it was adorable. I even had a white and navy dress designed to look like a sailor suit, hat and everything. And I must say I looked fabulous. After I research why kids must be dressed as sailors I am going to look into this disturbing rtreand of people getting tier sex ed on google! See you around the hubs.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

      Hehe. Okay, well, on the "pregancy" thing I have to admit that my mom, um, didn't know for 4 months because, um, of one of the searches you mentioned above. Hehe.

      Hmmm...hehehe...maybe I'll be doing one of those searches soon. Just what I need at this moment: to become a mom. ;)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sunnie, I appreciate that and thank you for the follow. You are an accomplished writer on this site and I'm honored to have you as a follower.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, I have no idea about the sailor suits but I remember clearly my son having one and he looked adorable in it. I doubt I had one or maybe I'm just positive that I didn't look adorable in it. :) Thanks as always for taking the time to stop by.

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      This was so funny! You are one funny guy! I am looking forward to reading more of your hubs. Thank you so much for the smiles today!

      Sunnie

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      Another great job. I especially like how you wrap it up. Needed the boost today! This hub also left me wondering... Why is it that parents feel the need to dress their children as sailors? It is adorable so I'm not complaining. Just curious. Perhaps I will google it. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Pamela, that was hilarious! Yes, lustful thoughts cause pregnancy. You don't suppose Sister Mary Elizabeth was lying to us, do you? Thanks for the laugh and the visit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Katrine, I can't imagine life without the internet although I know for a fact I was never bored before technology took over. We just went to the library and everything we needed was there....or else we went to the pub to find all of our answers about life. :) Thank you my dear!

    • Pamela N Red profile image

      Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma

      I too am concerned about the average citizen.

      Lustful thoughts causes pregnancy? Boy am I in trouble, oh wait, I am past menopause and don't do that bleeding thing anymore so I'm safe to be as lustful as I please. I guess menopause has it's advantages.

    • profile image

      KatrineDalMonte 5 years ago

      Bill, wouldn't you agree that the invention of the internet has been God-sent to all of us? And of course we all find the use of it for many different purposes. Well, some even for finding answers to the simplest questions others would think one should already know after attending at least the primary school? Fun hub and voted up :-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Michael, to each his own. I wish you luck with your obsession and may we always be able to find humor in the bizarre! LOL

    • molometer profile image

      molometer 5 years ago

      I must admit that I have a similar obsession.

      I try to find things with the least amount of internet searches?

      Bizarre I know but I cannot stop.lol

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Crazy, I greatly enjoy writing these hubs! I am constantly amazed by what I find when I do the searches. Thanks as always for stopping by.

    • Crazy Mags profile image

      Crazy Mags 5 years ago

      This made me laugh. I knew someone that used to do this as well and she would send me emails about all of the funny questions that people were Googling. It really is quite interesting, or scary depending on how you look at it!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Michael. Oh, if it were only true that I have nothing better to do than these silly searches. They are fun though so I think I'll continue to dabble in the bizarre from time to time.

    • molometer profile image

      molometer 5 years ago

      What an interesting pastime.

      Trawling the net for nonsense.

      Hang on a minute, that covers 98.9% of the internet lol

      That is why we are here. The 1.1% of useful, interesting and funny stuff.

      These also are the votes this hub is getting.: )

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ardie, I am trying to believe that these are just confused people and not really stupid; so far I haven't had any luck believing that. Thanks, buddy, for stopping by.

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Oh my - I haven't heard or thought of Boone's Farm in decades!!! haha Seriously - who sits around and thinks of these questions? Because they arent smart enough to use the Internet if they can't figure out if they can grow taller. Der...