Top Google Search with Humor: Is It Possible To Get Pregnant and Other Nonsense.
Yes, it’s that time again, the time when I put aside my seriousness and allow my sarcastic side to break free of its chains and roam loose. If you have been paying attention the past few months you will know that I amuse myself from time to time by asking the first part of a question and then doing a Google search to see what others out there in Internet Land are searching for; judging from the many comments I have gotten from all of you this evidently amuses you too. Or maybe I amuse you? Or maybe you are shocked that a grown man would waste his time doing this silliness? Whatever the reason quite a few of you have read the past installments and commented favorably and that’s all the incentive I need to go forth and bravely make another internet search.
Today’s question is : Is it possible to……? Are you with me? Shall we see what hundreds of thousands of your fellow inhabitants in this insane asylum we call life are searching for? Okay, let’s do it to it like Sonny Pruitt!
IS IT POSSIBLE TO DRINK TOO MUCH WATER?
Yes, it is, and it’s called drowning! Do I need to go on? Who worries about this? I’ve lived sixty-three years and not once have I had a sleepless night worrying about the amount of water I have poured down my throat. Now, if you were to ask me is it possible to drink too much Scotch or Boones Farm then the answer would be a definite YES! Is it possible to drink too much battery acid? Again, a definite YES! Is it possible to drink too much mouthwash? Again, YES!
I have serious concerns about the future of the world! I seem to recall my grandmother telling me that if I drank too much milk I would float away like a boat. I wonder if the same thing happens if you drink too much water. You are standing at the kitchen sink having a glass of water and suddenly you start floating out the door. Damn, forgot my anchor again!
IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET PREGNANT?
Read it again; I swear to you all that there are people doing searches on this subject. Is it possible to get pregnant? Let’s see, how shall we handle this one? Yes, Little Janie, it is possible to get pregnant. As Sister Mary Elizabeth told us in class one day, if you have lustful thoughts about a boy you can become pregnant. This coming from a woman who probably couldn’t spell pregnant let alone having never experienced it. I want to know how it is all of us who went to Catholic schools ended up semi-normal with that kind of advice being dished out in class? Wait! Maybe that explains this search. Everyone who is doing this search attended Catholic school. Now it makes perfect sense to me.
Unless….unless the people doing this search are men in which case there are so many new issues we need to discuss. You don’t think that’s possible do you? Please tell me men aren’t asking this question!
IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET YOUR PERIOD DURING PREGNANCY?
Oh my! Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought menstruation and pregnancy were mutually exclusive and if I know that why don’t women know that? Unless, again, these are men asking the question and then all bets are off! What the hell does a man know about periods and pregnancy? We know that we caused the pregnancy and we know enough to tiptoe around the house during menstruation but that’s about the extent of our knowledge. For most men ignorance is a blissful state they would prefer not to leave.
Somehow over my years I have picked up a tidbit or two about this subject and I do happen to know that bleeding can occur during pregnancy; it is actually called pregnancy bleeding but is usually not in the amount one would see during menstruation and quite frankly I have no desire to go any further with this subject. If you are a woman and you don’t know this then shame on you! A sixty-three year old man knows more about pregnancy than you do! If you are a man and you don’t know this then just go back to your ostrich routine and it will all pass over soon.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO LEVITATE?
Yes, and it happens right after you drink too much water and drown! Your soul levitates up to heaven where you will be surrounded by women wondering why they are still bleeding after death.
I want a show of hands right now! How many of you really believe in levitation? Maybe this has to do with what Sister Mary Elizabeth was talking about. If you are lustful and you are a guy then yes, at least one part of you can levitate. I think I may have just crossed that invisible line between humor and bad taste. Well, it’s too late to erase it now. Let’s just levitate ourselves to the next question.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO TIME TRAVEL?
I actually wrote about this in my novel, “The 12/59 Shuttle From Yesterday To Today.” Get it? Travelling through time? Get it? However, that was a work of fiction and not for a second do I believe it is possible to do what my main character Sheila does in my novel.
I know, Jules Verne wrote about it and I know, many scientists think it is possible, but until I wake up in 1860 having a beer with Abe Lincoln I’m going to have to remain a skeptic on this subject. Oh sure, back in my drinking days, I would wake up from a drunk and not know what day it was, but that’s a hell of a leap from blackout to time travel. One is caused from too much booze; the other is caused by forgetting your meds.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO GROW TALLER?
Well yes it is and we all do it as we advance in age during the early years of our life. If it wasn’t possible we would all still be wearing the little sailor suits our mothers bought for us when we were little tadpoles. We would all be thirty-six or whatever age and revving the engines on our Tonka Trucks. We would all be…..okay, you get the point!
I’m not even sure what this question means? Was this asked by a bevy of middle-aged guys with short-man syndrome? Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I’m reminded of a song by Travis Tritt entitled,”Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof.” Quite a few men can relate to having too much to drink and thinking that we are bigger than we really are, but usually once we soberup we are still stuck at five-ten and resigned to that reality. I hesitate to break the news to you people but when we get older, and I’m talking about past the age of twenty-something, we eventually shrink in size. Oh my, can you imagine the swarm of questions that news is going to start?
Is IT POSSIBLE TO CURVE A BULLET?
Nolan Ryan, Hall of Fame pitcher and now president of the Texas Rangers, once tried to curve a bullet throwing it from the pitcher’s mound to home plate. The attempt was unsuccessful because he could not properly grip the bullet to make it curve.
No, folks, please don’t believe that; I invented that story. If you believed that story you have been drinking way too much water. I happen to know that a bullet will curve during flight because of atmospheric conditions but seriously, that’s not what this question asks. This question asks if it is possible for the shooter to curve the bullet, like pulling the trigger in such a way that the bullet will curve around a tree. Or maybe the person is thinking of pulling the trigger and at the same time putting spin on the rifle barrel causing the bullet to curve. I wonder if it is possible to curve a bullet from yesterday to today?
I HAVE PRETTY MUCH HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FOR TODAY
The secret is now out: I am a closet internet searcher who gets his thrills doing these searches. Hey, it’s better than searching for a Russian bride who thinks I’m a sexy and sensitive man. I wonder if there is help for someone like me. Maybe there are support groups out there where folks like me with similar character defects can get counseling. Something like “Internet Idiots Anonymous” or “Too Much Time On My Hands Anonymous.” People could go to those meetings and ask each other if it’s possible to get pregnant from drinking too much water while curving a levitating bullet around a time-travelling woman having her period while pregnant. If there is such a meeting sign me up; I need more fodder for my next article.
2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)
If you would like to read anymore from this series then here they are: