Bachelor Pad: My Pre-Season Thoughts

ABC has lured some of the most unforgettable (and a few forgettable) rejects from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette into a Big Brother-style house to compete for $250,000.  They may be packaging it as a “one more chance at love,” but, let’s be honest, it’s all about the cash prize (why else would these fame whores take time off from the “real” jobs?).  The housemates will gladly lie, steal, cheat, and share bodily fluids in hot tubs to extend their stay in the house. 

The actual competition piece has not been clearly explained in any of the promos for the show.  Instead, every commercial emphasizes all the fighting and crying the audience has to look forward to.  What I can gather is there will be challenges every week in which they will compete for immunity and the opportunity to take their favorite fellow-skank on a date (if that person behaves, they will also receive a rose and immunity).   Of course, in true reality competition style, the contestants will vote off one housemate at the end of each episode.

Enough about the premise, let’s take a look at the 19 contestants that will be occupying the mansion (and our TV screens every Monday night).

Ashley Elmore (Jake’s season):  I actually had to get a reminder as to which Ashley this was (there have been like 400 over the past 14 seasons).  This is the girl who dressed up in the flight attendant costume to get Jake’s attention.  She obviously has no sense of shame, so we’ll have to see if she pulls any costume changes this season. 

Elizabeth Kitt (Jake’s season):  I-Don’t-Kiss-Without-An-Engagement-Ring girl is back.  Even though she now works in “sales” she’ll always be Nanny Elizabeth to me.  I seriously doubt she’ll pull the same “tease” stunt on this show—at least, if she wants to stick around.

Gia Allemand (Jake’s season):  Gia made it to the top 3 of Jake’s season, and according to the promos, has a boyfriend back home when she rolls up to the Bachelor Pad .  There is some indication that she may fall under Wes’s (that idiot from Jillian’s season) spell.  For her sake, I hope she keeps her shirt on because that fool is definitely not worth it.

Gwen Gioia (Aaron’s season aka season 2):  Not to sound judgmental, but she was on The Bachelor 8 years ago—why the crap has she decided to return?  Has she not found anything better to do with her time?  I’d love to hear the words “I’m too old for this crap” come out of her mouth at least once this season. 

Jessie Sulidis (Jake’s season):  This girl is like herpes—she keeps showing up at unexpected times and ruining everything.  She was silent the entire time she was in the mansion vying for Jake’s affection, until she piped up to attack Rozlyn at the “Women Tell All.”  I guess she loved her 2 minutes on camera because last season she popped up as the random “inside source” during Rated-R’s girlfriend revelation and then again at the “Men Tell All” to repeat everything she’d already said.  Maybe her nickname should be “Tell All.”  I don’t recommend sharing any secrets with this one.

Krisly Kennedy (Charlie’s season):  I did not watch Charlie’s season of The Bachelor , so I don’t know anything about this girl.  According to the official Bachelor Pad website, Krisly has a “gruff demeanor” which is only something I’d use to describe a middle-age overweight construction worker who barks orders at “rookies” and drinks 10 gallons of coffee a day.  Obviously, my understanding of the phrase is not in tune with the Bachelor website writers.

Michelle Kujawa (Jake’s season):  This is one bag of crazy that I am overjoyed to see in action again.   I am going to set a stop watch to see how long it takes her to ask one of the unsuspecting dudes to marry her.  The only thing I’m sad about is that Kreepy Kasey isn’t on Bachelor Pad --I think that would be a match made in reality TV heaven!

Natalie Getz (Jason’s season):  This is the girl who let the entire world know how deep and intelligent she really was with the statement “I like bears.”  According to the commercials, she is not afraid to use her sexuality to manipulate the guys in the house.  She will certainly make for some super skankalicious TV.

Nikki Kappke (Jason’s season): I went back to my old Jason blogs to refresh my memory about Nikki.  I believe she was the pageant girl who got upset about EVERYTHING.  I’m sure that will go over really well in a competitive environment where a quarter of a million dollars is on the line.  The website also alludes to her having a previous rendezvous with one of the other contestants.  Sounds like a recipe for some crocodile tears!

Peyton Wright (Andy’s season):  I don’t really remember much about her, except she was the one who had a two-on-one showdown with Tessa during Andy’s season.  Obviously, that didn’t work out for her.

Tenley Molzhan (Jake’s season):  Tenley got rejected by Jake in favor of Vienna (nice move, genius), but the promos show her finding comfort in the arms of Kiptyn from Jillian’s season.  Sounds like quite the catalog couple.  I can’t imagine mild-mannered Tenley (who poops rainbows according to Gia) making it through 95% of the episodes without shedding at least one tear.

Craig M (Ali’s season):  Wannabe Don Johnson, Craig M, is back simply for his polarizing personality and his ability to torment The Weatherman with one look.  I can’t imagine any of the girls being interested in him—but nothing really surprising me on these shows.

David Good (Jillian’s season):  Another jackhole who didn’t exactly leave behind a ton of friends on his season of The Bachelorette after incessantly citing his own version of the Man Code.  His favorite target, Juan, will also be thrown in the mix to incite drama. 

Jesse Beck (Ali’s season):  Jesse never got a fair shake from Ali, but was able to punk down smack-talking Craig M with a quickness.  Maybe there will be round 2 between the former housemates.  I’m more intrigued by how the ladies take to him (and if he packed his hideous denim shirt).

Jesse Kovacs (Jillian’s season):  I recognized his face, but I went back to my previous Jillian blogs to remind myself of his story.  I found an interesting observation made by yours truly, “Jesse is going to remember her for the rest of his life, which is sooooo romantic. Except, he's most likely to remember her as the only girl he ever dated on national TV (I hope!).”  So much for that hope!

Jonathan Novack/The Weatherman ( Ali’s season):  Expect a lot of supposedly clever forecasts that are downright cheesy.  He will spend plenty of his time running away from Craig M.  As far as the ladiez are concerned, best case scenario he’ll become someone’s shopping partner.

Juan Barbieri (Jillian’s season):  I only remember him as the wimpy dude from Jillian’s season who got picked on all the time by David G.  I can’t imagine him having the backbone to actually win it all.

Kiptyn Locke (Jillian’s season):  As long as Kiptyn spends 75% of the time shirtless, this show will be amazing.  Hopefully, his romance with Tenley will ensure this happens.      

Wes Hayden (Jillian’s season):  You know the guy who has a hit record in Chihuahua Mexico?  Oh yeah, and he was the first dude to make it to the top five with a girlfriend waiting for him at home.  Whatever.  Hopefully, the girls won’t fall for his bullcrap shenanigans (ahem, Gia).

No matter what, this show will certainly serve up a few memorable moments--some the contestants will certainly wish would disappear from television history.  I will be tuning in for all of the conniving, body rubbing, and unnecessary crying over temporarily bruised egos (misconstrued as broken hearts).