Should we be more forgiving if someone's misbehavior is due to ...
- \Brenda Scullyposted 14 years ago
0 Aya, your thread caught my eye because I spent time on a "forgiveness" thread last week - and I was surprised to see your reference to my religion Hub (surprised anyone would read it at all, in fact
).
I do think a lot of children's behavior should easily be forgiven, and that children should be helped to know that while what they did was wrong, all children "mess up" from time to time because they're children. I think, though, there's a difference in what takes place in the mind of a child and what takes place in the mind of (at least some) adults, who don't control themselves.
In the candy-swiping incident I mentioned that took place when I was a preschooler, I was oblivious to the idea that all those boxes of penny candy on the shelves belonged to someone. To me, they were more like, say, blades of grass (which also belong to a property owner too, but which just seem "public" or "free" to a young child). A young child doesn't really sort out something like freedom to pick the grass in her own yard versus that at the park. I was smart enough to know there was a difference between the candy and grass, and I knew that "in general" people paid for stuff at stores. Then again, I knew that small pieces of candy are often left out in dishes in homes, for anyone to have one. I was smart enough to know the difference, intellectually; but it was like all the "details" of the situation also kind of blurred and then combined with my wish to have that perfect rectangular piece of candy. (I've always liked rectangles. ) I think, really, I didn't really see it as wrong to take the candy, but I knew my parents would not approve of it. In other words, I used a preschooler's brain to "reason out" whether it was "really wrong", but my wanting it as badly as I did kicked in and colored my so-called "reasoning".
(I remember being around the same age and kind of thinking that if something fell behind the couch it was gone forever into some "black hole". I was a generally smart kid, but for some reason I didn't "think up myself" that it's possible for an adult to simply move a couch. Had someone moved a couch in my presence, I would have seen that. The point is that little kids don't have the "information about the goings on in the world" to really be able to reason things out properly. Throw in the immaturity of seeing a chocolate rectangle as appealing, for some reason, and you have candy theft. I never would have been caught if I hadn't been stupid enough to tell the woman who owned the store, "This is a rock in my pocket."
With adults, though, it's different. They have that "information about how the world works". They know that that woman in the drug store has ordered x number of cases of candy and had to pay for them. They know that couches can be moved and that it isn't "a black hole" behind them. Some adults can control themselves and don't - ever. Others will control themselves in some situations or with some people but not in other situations or with other people. In other words, they, too, can control their impulses if they want to. Some people may have difficulty with impulse control, but adults should be able to find ways to deal with that difficulty by using one technique or another.
Some people just didn't have parents who taught them what isn't acceptable, back when they were two years old and throwing fits and hitting people. As far as they go, I just think it's time they learn once they're adults.
If someone has brain damage and/or developmental delays, it makes sense to consider that before "writing them off" as poorly behaved. Then, though, it is known that even people without obvious brain damage and even with average or high IQ's can have "faulty wiring" if they didn't get just the right kind of nurturing (to build the right synapses) in the first three years of life. Again, though, I'd go back to the thing that if someone has a problem "over-responding" to aggravations or stress, as an adult they need to figure out a way to manage that problem (because they are capable of understanding what is socially acceptable and what isn't, and they are capable of understanding the concept of their actions on other people).Wow DM, we finally have a pic of you.
And I love it!the other one was me too!! Only on a more lazy day.
and thank you.
I had a bad day today and am slightly drunk now. Can't promise the pic will stil be up tomorrow when I am feeling sober...turns out I am having girls night out all by myslef, save for ralwus and you...
LOL One could hardly see some kind of shadow body on the other one
And I hope Charlie will be active to entertain you, as for myself you know my situationyou both have real lives and real wives to attend too. Take care. Hope all is well soon. I am going to drink untill I pass out, and maybe be back on tomorrow, with a hangover and a remorsefull ..oh my..did I really type THAT?
I can entertain myself, have no fear dear ones.
- lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago0
Aya, I think (based, for one thing, on my own example of that isolated instance of trouble with impulse control) that even the child with otherwise excellent impulse control may slip up in the face of some temptation. I was generally a kid who was really, really, well behaved and very socially mature. My parents made the mistake of simplifying things by thinking in terms of, "You're old enough to know better." My point is that if a kid as generally "in control" as I was could give in to impulse, any kid probably would (in their own set of circumstances that were tempting). The difference between a "self-controlled" kid like me and some other kid may just be that I had only the occasion incident of struggling with impulse control, while another kid may have been one to freely hit other kids or otherwise act up.
I have been on some high places and had that urge to jump off because it seems like it would be fun (even though "my head" knows how gravity works ). I think if an adult had so little impulse control that he may do that type of thing that would be someone who needed supervision, or who may even be considered "a danger to himself or others" and need to be confined. If an adult had the psychological problem of being unable to control the impulse to steal, then I think he needs to be court-ordered to stay out of stores (for his own and the store's good). An adult with impulse control problems to the point where he'd commit crimes has a psychological problem; but even if we understand why someone like this commits a crime, I don't think he ought to get a pass for it. I mean, even someone with a problem like being a "shop-a-holic" may have impulse control, but it's the responsibility of that person to stay away from stores if that's his/her problem. The way I see it, someone (an adult) either has a big impulse-control problem that calls for psychiatric help and, in some cases, supervision; or else a small problem, which calls for the person's figuring out what he has to do to get a grip on it.
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