Telling your partner about past sexual assault

1. 59

   NGRIA Bassettposted 14 years ago

   It must be difficult to trust someone sexually after a sexual assault, when and how would you disclose this information?

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      Scott.Lifeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      being on the receiving end of this confession i would advise against it on the first date or for awhile at least.

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      Marisa Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      When you are at the point of getting sexually involved with that person, because it's going to affect how that goes, so it's important to make them aware of it upfront.

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      Lady_Eposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      There is no "time" as such. I think a situation will naturally create itself, whereby the info would then have to be disclosed or it would encourage the person to talk about it.

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      DARICANMAMIposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have been there and I will tell you this the trust is number one with this I didnt say anything for a few months after falling in love.  It is not something you talk about on your first date nor is it something that you hold in forever.  But when you love some one and they are in your life and you feel like you can trust them with your life then you tell them. Many worry about what the other would think or say but if that person loves you it will not change anything but only make your relationship stronger.

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      advisor4qbposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have been assaulted before, and I don't think it is always a necessity to disclose this information unless it will affect your sexual performance or if it resulted in a child or sexually transmitted disease.
      
      I agree with second review's opinion as well.

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      lindsay champagneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You can't sit around and wait for the "right" time because it will never come. Wait until you are in a strong relationship and you feel comfortable but don't feel obligated to divulge that information to just anyone. Take things slow and pace yourself and see how things go. If you aren't already, perhaps think about joining a support group or try counselling sessions. They can help you to feel like your not alone and give you some good tips and conversation starters for when you are ready to tell people about it. Speaking from experience, once you find the right person who loves you unconditionally and you tell them it feels like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you become that much closer.

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   lizy625posted 14 years ago

   This is one of those_OMG_questions. I haven't ever been assaulted, but I have been hurt. I equate telling the hurt-when you are comfortable first in your own skin, and then in the new relationship. I assume trust to be a major obstacle, but when the times comes to open up all those feelings, it comes.Maybe years, days, maybe never. My heart goes out to any/all the ones that have been hurt-physically and/or emotionally.

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   Colebabieposted 14 years ago

   When you've developed a strong relationship and trust them. Its hard to disclose personal information to someone you don't trust.

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4. 68

   Flightkeeperposted 14 years ago

   I think you should tell when you feel safe in the relationship and trust your boyfriend.  But I guess that's a pretty generic thing to say..

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   TimTurnerposted 14 years ago

   I think a person should only tell if it helps them heal.  I don't think anyone should know about it unless it helps you deal with the tragedy.

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6. 56

   C.J. Wrightposted 14 years ago

   WOW, thats a tough question.  I guess it depends on the person who has been assaulted.  If the experience defines your life or your sex life, you have to tell the person prior to begining a sexual relationship.

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   pgrundyposted 14 years ago

   For me, I learned that just getting it out there as soon as things looked like they were getting serious was best. If the guy is going to handle it badly and take it out on you, better to know that straight up so you can move on. It also gives him a chance to bail if he can't handle it.

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   Starbabyposted 14 years ago

   For me, i spent a long time talking and getting to know my current partner before we ever actually started "dating".  So my partner knew ahead of time about my previous rape.  He was very understanding and let me decide how fast things went with us. 
   
   Every situation is different, but my advice would be to sit the person down and have a serious talk.  Let them know what happened to you, how that event makes you feel today, and how you would like to proceed in the relationship.  Personally, if the guy gets mad or wants sex right away then it probably wasn't going to be a lasting relationship anyways.

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   sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

   I'm so,so sorry. This makes me cry. May God bless you and lift your load so you can heal. I'm so sorry.

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    Moonchild60posted 14 years ago

    I have to agree with the other ladies.  For me it was once I was in a relationship with that person and trusted them, I could tell them.  I had no problem with discussing it or answering questions as I had worked it all out in therapy.  So, absolutely once it is clear that you are in a relationship with this person and it has become more than just dating, you should tell them.

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11. 59

    xxMaritzaMxxposted 14 years ago

    I have been assaulted and from experience, I know that trust is a huge issue. You need to trust in your self in order to trust anyone else. I met someone after and I pushed him away but soon realized that this is no way to live life. I ended up beginning to trust him little by little. I trusted him as each thing he did made me smile. When it came to that point where I felt comfortable around him, more than anyone else, I told him what happened and I knew that the bond between us grew. When you have to tell that special someone, you'll know by the way you feel that its time to tell. Trust me..

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    secondreviewposted 14 years ago

    I would advise against these type of discussions unless you think it would really add value to your relationship.   It could however have an effect on how your partner behaves towards you and not necessarily a positive one.   Do you want your partner to see you as a victim? Do you want them to adjust their behavior to you (or mask their character) because you've had a bad experience?   Are they to be burdened with earning your trust that may never come?  Do you want them to explain away your own behaviour with this issue?
    
    There's a lot to think about.

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13. 56

    Brian Leightonposted 14 years ago

    Once you both start opening up to one another, then the sooner the better you tell them. If they care about you they will understand the harrowing ordeal you must have endured in the past when this happened. If they do not understand then you are better off not knowing them and try to move on with your life.

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    TMinutposted 14 years ago

    This is so weird to me, I never met anyone who claimed to have never been assaulted until I was 34 years old! I thought it was all part of being female and wouldn't consider it as something to find an appropriate time to disclose, it was just how life is. Guess it wasn't good to grow up between DC and Baltimore.
    
    I'll add that I didn't know it was almost as bad for boys and young men until I was a lot older either.

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15. 52

    shellulaterposted 14 years ago

    Ahh! This situation happened to me last night My boyfriend asked me if I had ever been assaulted (this was over the phone because I recently moved out of town for school). I was so completely stunned and incredibly frazzled, i just started to cry to myself and not know what to say. I did tell him the truth though,eventually, as hard as it was. I really shook me up because so many of the glimpses I have from it, I could see all over again.
    I woke up this morning in the most awkward mood. Even though we had settled the phone call on a better note, I ended up having the craziest dream last night. I dreamt that my boyfriend suddenly hated me and was taking my calls for day.. it was terrible! He called me in the morning like he always does to wish a good day and I was asking him if he still loved me! not that I even think he dosent! idk what happened, the dream was so power and intense, it ruined my morning

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