Can you say sorry when....

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   kirstenblogposted 14 years ago

   Can you say sorry when you are in a relationship and the other person is mad at you because you got mad at them for something they did? What if they refused to acknowledge that you had a reason to get upset in the first place? If you don't say sorry it might end the relationship?

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      DogSiDaedposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Well it depends. Sometimes it's better to just say it to diffuse the situation, if that's what you want. Maybe it isn't your fault, but sometimes ending the conflict via those means is the best way.

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         kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for your thoughts DogSiDaed, relationships really can be tricky
         I will have to think about what I want to do/say and make my own decisions but its good to hear other folks honest opinions

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      h.a.borcichposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      There are times when an argument over something trivial becomes polarized. Both parties are deeply entrenched and the only way to resolve is for one party to let it go. However if there is perpetual and significant invalidating in the relationship - it isn't a healthy.
      Just my thoughts, Holly

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         kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for your thoughts Holly. I am still thinking about how I want to proceed. For now tho I think I will go give a back rub. He is having lower back pain due to slipped disk and in spite of feeling angry its hard to see him in pain.
         
         I shall check back and see what folks think

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         PrettyPantherposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I agree with this.  There is nothing wrong with ending an argument even though it isn't really resolved.  But, if your significant other frequently gets angry with you when you have a valid beef, then that is an unhealthy pattern that needs to be addressed.

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      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      if you have a justifiable reason for being angry or hurt, you really should not have to apologize for your emotions. If you truly overreacted to something, you still dont need to apologize for your emotions, but should probably say sorry for overreacitng.
      example, my husband got really drunk and I had to go pick him up at a bar, and he proceeded to be very nasty to me and vomit all over my van.
      then he was pissed that I got mad. should I apologize?
      
      or, my husband said he would be home at 6, and never got home till 9. I called repeatedly and his phone was shut of. He walks in the door and I flip out, all mad...and later find out his phone had died, and he had a flat tire and had to walk 6 miles to the nearest phone. then wiat for somebody to bring him a new tire..should I aoplogize?

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         kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         On that first one I would be mad as hell, on the second one I would actually feel bad about having gotten mad.

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            Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            so you see my point?
            it is up to you, to decide between the two in your situation.

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      Jeramiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Have seen this many times. What to do? Depends on what you got mad about and how you showed your displeasure. Was what he did really that bad. How old is the relationship?  Was the thing that made you mad something that was out character for him?  If it is a part of his character; can you get used to it.
         There are too many unknown variables to consider  before anyone else can give proper advice.
         On one hand it is hard to recognize the difference between  actions and a reaction.  and yet some people use anger as a tool for manipulating others.
      
         Just to settle this instance; get past it and  buy time for self evaluation;  It should be safe for you to apologize for expressing your displeasure improperly and still hold onto your right to be displeased??? 
         No one can decide for you. We can wish you Luck in making the choice that works best for you.
          In any NEW relationship we should be contemplating all of these issues and then, Be honest with self.

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         Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         the best and hardest bit of advice.

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      Poppa Bluesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Please see the discussion on truth. Of course you can say sorry! What matters is what is most important to you? Is losing the relationship worth an acknowledgement that you were right? Would you even get that acknowledgement? You have to pick your battles and only you can decide if this is worth a fight.

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   kirstenblogposted 14 years ago

   Didn't want a massage

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      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      physical pain resulting in anger, is hard to deal with.
      good luck...

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         mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         that cat in your avatar is one of the funniest little guys!  I had to laugh! :

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   kirstenblogposted 14 years ago

   Ours is not a new relationship, we have been married about 6 years now. The tricky thing is in perspective, if I go into details it will be my experience of those details. If he was a member here he may give a different view totally, and that would be very tricky indeed

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      Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      dont trick yourself into thinking perspective changes can change whats wrong and whats right.

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         kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Oh from my perspective I could make him look like a total a**hole. Would it be fair of me to do that? Well on the one hand you don't know him and you only know me as a member here who writes and posts in the forums so I could let loose with my opinions and feelings and such but I cannot see that that would be productive. This is why I have tried to keep it vague, at the end of the day it is not really something anyone can tell me what to do on, I have to make my own choices. It is more of a vague, would you say sorry even tho you don't feel sorry, kinda question. I think most people will all have different feelings about when to say sorry in a relationship and those feelings are valid even if my situation is unique to me. I don't know if that made much sense but hope so!

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            Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            yes, you made sense.
            I am talking about your own perspective, quietly in your head. No need for you to go into detail.
            wrong is wrong, even if you try to look at it differently.
            just a long hard lesson ive recently been forced to acknowledge.
            I am sorry your husband is in pain, I hope he's getting medical help. My father went thru this, and my husband has pinched nerves in his neck that flare up on occasion.

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            Jeramiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Your statement made total sence. If I were you I would keep doin what has worked up till now. And attempt to keep up with those changes that are inevitable in any relationship.
               I try to keep in mind that ... if something happens today, I ask myself.. Am I going to still be upset about it next week?
               If not, why be upset about it now?

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            cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            no. then it's just empty words. that is what people like about me, believe it or not. even though they want me to say or do certain things, they know i have to work them out in my mind (and heart) first. at least they know when i finally do what they need me to do, i am sincere and not just "going through the motions".
            
            don't say you're sorry until you really feel it, otherwise you will just feel icky.

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               kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               You are one wise person cosette! Thought you should know

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   frogdroppingposted 14 years ago

   Yes I can. And have done in the past. But my partner would probably say different. He believes me far too stubborn for such small details as apologies
   
   But - I have devised a plan. No matter what, our troubles are his fault, not mine. Always

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      kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Froggy thats a brilliant bit of wisdom! Now if he could just realize that our troubles are all his fault too then we would have no problems

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   uliveulearnposted 14 years ago

   For me it is better to say I'm sorry no matter who is at fault in order to open up a dialogue rather than have the silent treatment (I hate that).  The silent treatment, I feel doesn't resolve anything.  Saying sorry may be enough to make your partner relax and then when the time is right you can talk about each others expectations such as how much you would appreciate hearing those words from him.  Remember to say "I" not "you" in the conversation.  This is sometimes not easy to do.

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      kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Tell me about it!
      It's is particularly difficult when emotions flare up!

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   uliveulearnposted 14 years ago

   A lot of deep breaths may be needed.......stay calm (also very difficult).... When you feel emotions getting out of control.  Stop, go to the washroom or something to allow some diffusion on both sides.  If talking doesn't work maybe try putting it down on paper.

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   mega1posted 14 years ago

   My mother used to tell me that a woman's role in the marriage was to be the "peacemaker"  and that meant that sometimes I would have to make amends when I knew I wasn't the one in the wrong.  She said that we should never go to bed angry at each other!  Well, I wasn't good at that - I couldn't apologize when I wasn't really sorry - when it was his turn to apologize he never could either - so now we're divorced.  But I would not have wanted the kind of relationship my mother had either.  I think there has to be some kind of agreement made in advance - make a pact that neither one has to apologize but both have to get over the arguement and be nice!  Play nice children! 

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      lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Mega1 has knowledge of my upbringing as well!   But, all this quelling of one's true feelings leads to resentments.  Which grow HUGE if not expressed.  They have destroyed many a relationship in my life, so now I try...try...to get my point across.

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      kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Now I could do that. I get mad and hurt yes, but I don't stay mad and hurt for long with or without an apology. I have tried to sustain anger at folks before and it just does not work for me . Its about as easy as holding ones breath long enough to get the other person to do what we want :p
      
      Sadly he is a master at holding a grudge, has sustained one against his dad for most of his adult life. I cannot get a solid reason for it either

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   Pearldiverposted 14 years ago

   William Colt once made a woman 'peacemaker' solely for that purpose. 
   And so that nobody would mess with her... he attached a trigger!
   I believe she was called Colt 45

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      lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      

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      mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      If I was a colt 45 there probably wouldn't be anybody left alive around me!  Ha!  that's a different kind of peace, for sure!

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   cosetteposted 14 years ago

   aw
   
   and you are a very cute person
   
   (haha i smile every time i see that little guy)

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    Sa Toyaposted 14 years ago

    I'd say sorry BUT ONLY IF I MEANT IT AND WAS TRULY SORRY!!!
    
    This has happened to me before in different relationships, like friends and siblings.
    
    I find it better to say I'm sorry for my own piece of mind and MY CONSCIENCE IS A KILLER.I find they usually come round and admit they're wrong and we can all move on.
    
    But there is no point apologising just to break the anger ice. (My mother says)
    
    My granddad says we fall in love with our hearts but must live the rest of our lives with our heads and our gut.
    
    So what do you want- an apology, admission of doing wrong or the fight to be over.
    
    So follow that... What does your gut say?
    
    
    

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       kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       What your granddad says is very profound. I think I might just want to meditate on that bit of wisdom

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          Sa Toyaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Cheers, He's a profound kind of man
          
          I edited my comment, I just asked my mom what he said exactly...so had to change it

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    efeguyposted 14 years ago

    sorry... though difficult to say sometime,especially when you know you are right,but it solve a lot of problems.
    
    for me i will say sorry to cool the issue,then address it when everywhere is calm.
    
    my opinion.

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