Atheists Are Funny. Aren't They?

1. 0

   Emile Rposted 12 years ago

   At least one Hubber has implied (well, not implied but boldly stated) in another thread currently active that atheists are humorless narcissists. I don't believe it.
   
   To dispel this notion before it steamrolls into a vicious rumor I implore atheists to come forward and share a joke. Or two. Any joke will do, but I think they should be ones making fun of religion; inasmuch as this is a religion/philosophy forum. And, perhaps one or two making fun of atheists also. To show you can laugh at yourselves too.

   replyreport
   1. 77

      Uninvited Writerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      

      replyreport
      1. 0

         Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         That's pretty funny!

         replyreport
   2. 49

      Ericdierkerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Preacher man declares at a church social: There are no atheists in fox holes. Combat veteran replies -- sure there are, they are still there.
      
      Preacher man falls overboard from a cruise ship. He is destined to die because no notices of cares he is gone. He prays for God to save him.
      A party boat of hookers comes by, he rejects the saving saying, "God" will save me. A party boat of gays comes by, he rejects the saving saying "God will save me". A pirate ship comes by and again he rejects them saying "God will save me". Of course he drowns. In being rejected at the gates he asks "why God did you not save me?" God replies, oh ye of little faith, I sent three boats to save you.
      
      Pompousness in any belief will leave you dead.

      replyreport
   3. 79

      Li Galoposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I don't have a joke to contribute... I'm not allowed to since I'm not an atheist, Lol... but I just wanted to share that I love the humor here.  One of my very dear friends is atheist and not all Christians are out to convert or "out to get you."  Thank you very much for all the laughs.  Just what I needed to feel good today!  Have a great rest of the day!

      replyreport
2. 77

   Uninvited Writerposted 12 years ago

   

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      On both of them.
      
      I love Calvin and Hobbs.

      replyreport
      1. 0

         Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         OMG - there are OTHER Math Atheists?  I need to find them.
         
         That was great!

         replyreport
3. 59

   Zelkiiroposted 12 years ago

   To quote George Carlin: "Religion has actually CONVINCED people...that there's an invisible man! Living in the sky! Who watches everything you do, every minute of every day! And the invisible man has a special list of TEN THINGS HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO DO!! And if you do ANY of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send YOU to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever, 'TIL THE END OF TIME!! ...But he loves you!"
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPOfurmrjxo

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sure it is funny when George Carlin says it. Or maybe not. Sometimes his humor falls a little flat. Out of curiosity, did you laugh when you first heard that? Could you give us an example of another joke (perhaps not relating to religion) that you find amusing? That may not be the best vehicle to showcase your humor. Not everyone laughs at the same things and that may be an example of a statement  which might prove the opposite point we are attempting to make here. Everyone needs to at least chuckle.
      
      Do try again. Thanks.

      replyreport
4. 71

   JMcFarlandposted 12 years ago

   If you and a group of friends are meandering through the woods and you encounter a bear, keep one thing in mind.  You do not have to outrun the bear.  You only have to outrun the slowest one of your friends.  The moral of the story:  make slow friends.
   
   (it's not really that funny - but I couldn't resist because I saw the typical "bear vs atheist" joke in the other thread)

   replyreport
   1. 59

      Zelkiiroposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It's a hell of a lot funnier than the story it references.

      replyreport
      1. 71

         JMcFarlandposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         agreed

         replyreport
   2. 0

      Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I've heard that one. It did make me smile.

      replyreport
5. 0

   Rad Manposted 12 years ago

   Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
   Waiter: Praying.
   Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
   Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I already knew you weren't a narcissist. Now we see that you have a good sense of humor. Nice jokes.

      replyreport
      1. 77

         Castlepalomaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Like the one with the atheists boyfriend, worships her only
         
         The Sun and women are the only thing wroth worshiping daily

         replyreport
         1. 0

            Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Two things we can't live without.

            replyreport
         2. 0

            Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I believe there is a day of the week allotted for the Sun. All other days should probably be spent in the worship of women.

            replyreport
            1. 77

               Castlepalomaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               By the way, I have a new non-religious girlfriend (for a change).
               We are crazy about each other, life is on a better track again.
               
               Thanks, for your encouragement Emile

               replyreport
               1. 0

                  Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                  Congratulations castle. I wish you both the best. You seem like such a sweetheart. Tell her at last one Hubber thinks she is a very lucky girl.

                  replyreport
                  1. 0

                     Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                     I don't know if I'd call him a sweetheart, no offence it's just not a word I'd you to describe a guy, but I'm glad he found a non-religious girl friend. The religious ones will alway want to change you.

                     replyreport
                     1. 0

                        Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                        Oh, I don't know. I haven't been single in a while; but it is a rare person that doesn't expect their significant other to make changes. Religious or otherwise. When you find one that loves you the way you are; you got lucky.

                        replyreport
                        1. 0

                           Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                           Okay, your definitely a woman. We never really know here, but that pretty much solidifies it for me.

                           replyreport
                           1. 0

                              Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                              Yep. I am one, but how does that response tell you that?

                              replyreport
                              1. 0

                                 Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                 Well, I hate to generalize (you know me) but typically women look for a man that's perfect, they settle for a few imperfections and think they can make adjustments. Men typically don't think that way at all. Both men or women don't like change so a fight ensues. The men sometimes give in under pressure, but it leaves a sore spot that will fester. Next thing you know they are 55 and buying a sports car with perhaps a girlfriend on the side. No midlife crisis for me, I is what I is.

                                 replyreport
                                 1. 49

                                    Ericdierkerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                    Nothing more important than what I am saying. This exchange came from two people living in love. I do not care of what persuasion. I just see two people connecting intellectually with some real nice vibes. Humor breaks ice that seperates us from each other's warmth.

                                    replyreport
                                 2. 0

                                    Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                    Well, my experience being single was that men expected me to change. Which I have no intention of doing. I'm not perfect, but I'm me. And I don't see anything terribly wrong with that. I never understand why someone wants to go out with someone, or be with someone, if they don't like who they are. But, it  appears to be a bad habit not confined to either gender.

                                    replyreport
                                    1. 77

                                       Castlepalomaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                       This woman dose not want me to change, for a change.
                                       All the pass relationships wanted to change me, first by changing the bed sheets. lol
                                       
                                       Most importantly is to know who you are yourself, first. Told her I love all the ways she is different from me, which inspires areas for improvement upon and vice verse. Now she says she love me and that I'm the kindest person she has ever met. 
                                       
                                       How can you not be both sweethearts after that, Rad?

                                       report
                                       1. 0

                                          Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                          Okay, your a sweetheart. I'm not homophobic, I can say it. LOL

                                          report
                     2. 0

                        Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                        Not always. 

                        replyreport
                        1. 0

                           Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                           You don't think they will want to drag our lazy butt's to mass on Sunday morning? I remember when my wife was first pregnant and she would go to mass alone. She starting telling me people think she's a single mom so I must go to mass with her to show them she's married. The I met up with the priest on the street and he laid into me as well. Fun times.

                           replyreport
                           1. 0

                              Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                              I don't try to drag my husband to mass.  I have asked him to allow us to have our marriage blessed by the Church so that I can legally receive communion.  I fully expect that after that's done, he won't set foot in another Catholic church with me again.
                              
                              If he changes his mind and chooses not to do it, I'll find a new church, I suppose.

                              replyreport
                              1. 0

                                 Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                 I got married in a Catholic church. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have happened otherwise, and I'm kind of fond of her. She's a little angry with the current Pope so she hasn't been attending herself lately.
                                 
                                 He'll do it. Tell him I said to suck it up, it's only a little water, he can think about football if he likes. LOL

                                 replyreport
                                 1. 0

                                    Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                                    HAHA!!  No, he doesn't even have to become Catholic for us to do it.  I just had to apply for a dispensation for an interfaith marriage.  Because we've already married in a civil ceremony, once the dispensation is granted, it's just a matter of renewing our vows and receiving the priest's blessing. 

                                    replyreport
6. 72

   BLACKANDGOLDJACKposted 12 years ago

   Q: What is the difference between an atheist on HubPages and a drama queen?

   replyreport
   1. 59

      Zelkiiroposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You sound like a fellow who tries to not start conflicts.

      replyreport
   2. 0

      Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      The tiara?
      
      Just kidding. I have a soft spot for atheists. Tell us the difference.

      replyreport
   3. 0

      Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I resemble that remark! Right? Huh, huh?

      replyreport
      1. 0

         Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         

         replyreport
7. 0

   Rad Manposted 12 years ago

   A Christian walks up to a librarian and asks for a book to read that would help him with an upcoming debate with an Atheist.
   
   The librarian says "well for that, you need the best selling book of all time".
   
   The Christian replies "how will Harry Potter help?"
   
   I know, I know, it's not my best work.

   replyreport
8. 0

   riddle666posted 12 years ago

   

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      HA!  HAAA!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
      
      That's hysterical!
      
      When I was younger, my mother and I would always read signs and pick out funny stuff....misspellings, oxymorons.
      
      This one would have tickled her to no end.

      replyreport
   2. 0

      Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      This one if funny and troublesome at the same time. It's funny until you realize it wasn't an error.

      replyreport
      1. 0

         Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I posted it on my Facebook wall for just that reason, Rad.  I'm wondering how many people will actually 'get' the reason I posted it.  The poor language skill is one thing.  The message itself is sickening.

         replyreport
         1. 0

            Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I just did the same, let's compare notes.

            replyreport
         2. 0

            Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I thought the sign was cute; but I personally think those crazy church signs are pranksters playing with the sign. I can't image anyone serious actually putting that message on a sign.

            replyreport
            1. 0

               Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               What's frightening is that not only are those signs real - but the people who put out that message really do believe it, Emile.
               
               Language-wise, I thought it was hysterical.

               replyreport
               1. 77

                  Castlepalomaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                  The sign dose not surprise me, it's real, because these mess up facts were always  funny.

                  replyreport
9. 0

   riddle666posted 12 years ago

   
   

   replyreport
10. 60

    Mark Ewbieposted 12 years ago

    Sadly it is no laughing matter.
    
    To deny the existence of Him, the Almighty, is to deny your own existence.  To wallow in a pit of filth and disgusting behaviour with the twin evils of fornication and obesity.  Sure the atheists will have you believe they are happy but that is only because their drug addled minds are being controlled by the Devil.
    
    It is thanks to forums such as these we can try to help these pathetic souls achieve something with their sad, empty, shallow lives.
    
    I would clasp both hands together in supplication had not one been removed due to a masturbatory mixup on an Iranian airline.  No matter.  A silent prayer will be offered tonight for those who cannot see.

    replyreport
    1. 0

       riddle666posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       
       The most funny quote so far.

       replyreport
    2. 0

       Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       You win. That was the funniest post in the thread.

       replyreport
       1. 60

          Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Oh guys... shucks and thanks for the opportunity!

          replyreport
          1. 77

             Castlepalomaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             He is not allowed to say, you guys suck, that is funny

             replyreport
    3. 0

       Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Well, that's not nice at all.

       replyreport
       1. 0

          Emile Rposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          He's a joker rad man. He was simply proving that atheists not only have a sense of humor but they can write their own jokes.

          replyreport
          1. 0

             Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             I know, I guess you didn't pick that up from my comment. I was just reading his hub on how to beat children. A tone of great advice that I'll start implementing this evening as soon as I get back from the lumber yard.
             
             I remember sitting in my friends bedroom as a 11 year old and noticed a hot wheel track on the floor. I said "what's with one track, you don't have more? The response was "that's what my Dad beats me with". I looked at him for a while, realizing he was not very bright and knowing he needed help I said "why not make it more difficult for him to find?".
             
             True story.

             replyreport
       2. 60

          Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Atheism and fornication is not nice either.  Nor is obesity.

          replyreport
          1. 0

             Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             Hey, I'm obese and I'm an atheist! I don't know what the other word is, I'll ask my wife if she thinks if I fornicate nicely... she says your right.

             replyreport
    4. 0

       Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Oh, I forgot to thank you for the sound advice. I will make sure I don't get caught doing a little self massage on an Iranian flight. I guess I've been lucky in the past and will no longer pull my luck on Iranian flights. Did I say pull? I meant push. Sorry about the hand, but it could have been worse.

       replyreport
       1. 60

          Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          It could have been far worse although it meant I got chucked off the Apprentice course for slow typing.

          replyreport
          1. 0

             Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             You complain a lot.

             replyreport
             1. 60

                Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                Lol.  Don't you start. There was someone the other day...

                replyreport
    5. 0

       Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       
       
       Mark, will you have my babies?

       replyreport
       1. 60

          Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Lol Motown. That would be a first for me...

          replyreport
          1. 0

             Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

             Me too!  Can you imagine the media coverage we'd get, and all the money we'd make for endorsement.

             replyreport
             1. 60

                Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                Yeah.  Despite that I'm not really tempted.  And anyway.  Do you know what babies are like?  Horrible.

                replyreport
                1. 0

                   Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                   I forgot...you're an atheist, so the only babies you like are the ones you can eat.  Sorry, I'll give up the idea then. 
                   
                   

                   replyreport
                   1. 60

                      Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                      Christian!  YOU shouldn't even be on this thread. I only got on because I told them I hadn't read the bible.

                      replyreport
                      1. 0

                         Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                         HA!  Who said Christians read the Bible?  I got on here because I'm funny.  Too bad that didn't cut it for you. 

                         replyreport
                         1. 60

                            Mark Ewbieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                            Jeez. Pressure.  If I haven't got a smart remark in three minutes I'm going to look like a loser.
                            
                            Too late.

                            replyreport
                            1. 0

                               Motown2Chitownposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                               Aha!!  Victory is mine!!  It's because I have God on my side you know. 
                               
                               Emile, I like this thread - it's actually been peopled by folks on both side who can joke not only alone, but together too.  Way to bring a group together.

                               replyreport
11. 77

    Uninvited Writerposted 12 years ago

    I have to post this page I saw on Facebook. It has to be a joke. It's called Stop Masturbation Now!
    
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/STOP-Mas … 0809056057

    replyreport
    1. 0

       Rad Manposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       That is hilarious.
       
       "Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. Please help us make parents aware of Masturbation in the home and hopefully to make it illegal."
       
       I remember when they used to teach that it was a sin. All that did was make us feel guilty. It didn't stop anyone, just made us feel bad. That's how sexual dysfunction starts, you train yourself to feel guilt after sex.

       replyreport
    2. 59

       Zelkiiroposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Those kinds of people are funny. They're the same people who think video games lead to violence, boxing leads to street fights, and eating carrots makes your head grow leaves.

       replyreport
       1. 77

          Castlepalomaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Don't know about eating carrots makes your head grow leaves.
          
          Do think, you are what you think, so be concern on what you think.
          
          I can't think that much about the bible

          replyreport
12. 77

    Uninvited Writerposted 12 years ago

    Another Calvin and Hobbes:
    
    
    

    replyreport