Living together before marriage

1. 60

   kimback08posted 15 years ago

   Should two people live together before marriage? Yes, no, maybe so?

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      mohysa247posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      NO...

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      k8thposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      For me, no. To have a bless marriage, never ever sleep together with your love one.

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         LondonGirlposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Sexless marriages doesn't sound good to me.

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            Colebabieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Yeah me neither. I was blessed last night, and this morning

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               mtsi1098posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               and I was blessed this afternoon...nonetheless we lived together 1.5 yrs before getting married and we are still together celebrating our 20th this year...

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               Ron Montgomeryposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Bless you.

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            SweetiePieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Why would that couple even want to be together? If you do not want to sleep with someone just be their friend and live separately .

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      spiderpamposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have to say no, not only because I believe it's wrong. It's just I did it and it's more heartache then most women will ever admit. If you want to be with him forever marry him, living together first is an unnessary misstep. I'm not sure but isn't that the best part of getting married living together, sharing your lives with complete commitment. I wrote on this very topic check out my hub called "Hello Ladies" it might help. The choice is ultimetly yours that's just my two cents.
      God Bless

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      melbelposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is a good question. I hear statistically those who live together before getting married are more likely to divorce. I lived with my husband before we got married and we're currently in the middle of a divorce. I don't think it has anything to do with that, though and I wonder what would cause those who live together before marriage to get a divorce. Unless it has something to do with the type of people. Such as the type of people who are likely to live together before marriage are the type of people who are more likely to divorce and there is no direct relation.

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      Tygerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think they should live together first, as it's one thing to date someone and see their Good Image, and a total different story when you live with them as you truly get to know their real selves. Being around someone when you live with them allows you to see all sides of them the good and the bad, and only then can you really tell if you two really love each other. Because love is a whole lot more than just being all cozy on the couch. It's taking the good with the bad..or as they say "For better or Worse, Richer or Poorer, and in Sickness and Health.

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   Leta Sposted 15 years ago

   Um, only way I've ever done it.  Do people get married much these days?
   
   

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      pgrundyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      LOL! My sentiments exactly! As a person who in the past has been never a bridesmaid, always a bride, I'm definitely gun shy. Living in sin is spicier and there's less chance of losing all your stuff.

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      pgrundyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I don't...at least not anymore!
      
      Seriously, I see nothing wrong with it. Be careful though. People aren't always what they seem, so make sure you really want it.

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   webjunkieposted 15 years ago

   Well in todays world marriage is a piece of paper for most, one that is just as likely to be used to start a fire as about anything else. I personally moved in with my current wife of 10 wonderful years the very day we meet in person. We where married several months later. Now we both work in the same room and sleep in the next. When she goes shopping I go along... not that I like shopping it was a husband does, he is there to support and help her. Yes we had chatted online before we meet (I am not as romantic as Tom was in You've got mail) but we meet online and spend a  few month living together. In my opinion you really don't get to know if you are compatible but just going on a few dates. Living with someone and paying attention to their habits will expose the little things that can drive you crazy. A test drive just like buying  car can give you a small sample of what life can be like together.  This is my second marriage I wish I had taken a better test drive before my first. But I have no regrets I have 4 Wonderful children from that marrage... THAT I WISH WOULD GOT TO BED NOW!!!!  lol as you can tell I they live with me.

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   kimback08posted 15 years ago

   My husband and I lived together and had a baby together before we got married.  My feelings for him aren't determined by a piece of paper.

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      Leta Sposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Agreed.  Not sure it means more than a nasty legal conflict and fees down the road, necessarily, plus perhaps cheaper insurance for one partner, and that--maybe.
      
      But support the rights of those who do want the paper, too, , for whatever reason.

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         kimback08posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I absolutely agree.  EVERYONE deserves the right to marry.  I used to work for an attorney as the divorce paralegal...OY VEY...

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   Mighty Momposted 15 years ago

   It seems to be totally accepted nowadays to live together before marriage or instead of marriage. So many variables, tho. I think it really depends on the two people and their short-term and long-term goals. And having clear expectation going in -- as in, do you both plan to get married or are you just wanting to take things as they go?
   It's definitely harder to undo a marriage than it is to move out! But on the other hand, there are financial/legal advantages to being married. I believe in the institution. And I absolutely believe it should be open and accessible to everyone (man+woman, woman+woman, man+man). Don't believe having multiple spouses is a good idea, but it does make for interesting TV (see SweetiePie's hub on "Big Love.")

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   Leta Sposted 15 years ago

   Yeah, I love that show.  As well as Madmen and Breaking Bad.  All excellent...
   
   Yes, I'm open minded and all, but I remember being kind of horrified at this polyamorous 'foursome' one of my newspapers did a story on.  How great it was and all.  They had a baby or two between them, didn't know who the actual dads were, there supposedly was no jealousy, and they 'all joined in.'
   
   My reaction (and this happens sorta seldom) was outrage for a few reasons--1. That was badjournalism, 2. it just goes severely against my grain, 3. uh, don't think that environment was necessarily good for kids.  Then I fought my own reaction--is this just my cultural and personal bias?
   
   Just, a relationship of 2 seems pretty universal,

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   amrogposted 15 years ago

   if they did I am sure it would lower the divorce rate.  I live together practically married with my finance, except i dont get his health benefits.
   
   For us its not about a hate for marriage, we just made a committment to each other and want to wait until we have some money to help with the cost of a wedding to our parents.  i certainly dont think we are sinning, and i also think its the best way to learn about each other.
   
   In today's society, living together is not just an economical or lustful choice, but also a choice that shows you are devoted to each other. Isnt that supposed to be the purpose of marriage?  if you need a piece of paper to prove you are monogamous then i think your marriage is doomed from the offset.

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   EP1posted 15 years ago

   Dear Amrog,
   
   I understand the concept, but I think you are confusing convienence with committment! Let me express myself at the point of being hypocritical. First of all, the term sin thus sinning, has religious connotations, which imply that there is some guidelines or authority that defines what "is sin", and what "is not sin". Depending on who or whom you believe is in the position to define and therefore establish the definition, is the one who judges on this count.  For example, to hold the ball in your hand during the period of activity, defines whether it is a legal action or illegal action, such as if you were playing football, or tennis! The penalty or qualifying actions are dependant on the rules, defined by the ruler, or ruling committee. The rules cannot be changed during the game, and only after the ruling committee has conviened and made a decision, can the rules be changed, and therefore acknowledged. The other thing is, what shows the greater commitment, expectancy, or restraint. To expect the obvious, or to anticipate without desertion? No paper can prove that you are monoguous, and no room for the opportunity to choose will keep you monoguous! If you keep a bird caged, how do you know if, he only responds to being hungry, or at the first opportunity to flee, he won't fly away?
   
   EP1

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   Anamika Sposted 15 years ago

   That depends on the individuals choice. I guess Livin relationships gives the freedom to move on easily. I have seen some livin couple more committed and loving to each other than some married ones.
   
   As an indian, however, my support is for marriage first.

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    kerrygposted 15 years ago

    I was open to the possibility but my parents were uncomfortable with the idea and I've always been a bit of a goody-two-shoes. Didn't want to disappoint them, so I got married instead. My more rebellious sister just moved in with her bf post-graduation and has been happily living with him ever since. *g* I don't think my parents are thrilled, exactly, but they're fine with it overall.
    
    They couldn't not be, really. My mom's twin sister has been living with her boyfriend for more than 25 years now (no kids) and my dad's step-sister is a lesbian and couldn't marry her girlfriend (also of about 25 years) until last year even though she wanted to, so even though they themselves are more traditional about marriage and value the legal benefits of it, they know very well that it's essentially meaningless in terms of actual commitment to one's partner.

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11. 58

    amrogposted 15 years ago

    ep1,
    
    you make some valid points, but i think the real bottom line is not in rules, because you cannot define them when it comes to marriage.
    
    and i would not exactly call living together as being caged.  neither would i call marriage because then i think thats a misperception that is media based as well.
    
    is it a lack of restraint?  well i dont think so.  we did not live together for a year and a half.  were we at the stage in our lives with monetary means and not a cultural divide we probably would be married.
    
    we live like we are married, but additionally, he is indian and i american.  this is a sensitive thing for both sides of the family and barriers need crossed gradually. 
    
    i just think saying lack of restraint confuses the issue, because plenty of people who have lack of restraint jump into marriage and then get divorced.  so its better judgement to deal with your issues as you see fit for your individual circumstance, rather that means living together or married

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12. 61

    webjunkieposted 15 years ago

    I am getting nervous now I am the only guy to post to this thread... I hope it not due to all these guys attempting to avoid marriage!

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    Teresa McGurkposted 15 years ago

    Every time I hear the word -- every single time, and I better go add it to Constant Walker's chuckle-worthy word list -- I think of Peter Cook (late, great) in Princess Bride, saying "Mah-widge. . . ."

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    Teresa McGurkposted 15 years ago

    I think mah-widge is important if it is the only way to obtain legal rights as a couple, which is the case for gay and lesbian mah-widges.  Do most states have common law arrangements in place that give heteros the same legal rights as mah-weed people?

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    ocbillposted 15 years ago

    I agree with kimback 100% and I prefer living together first to know the person inside out.

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       Laughing Momposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Living together will let you get to know someone really well, but it's time that will tell who a person really is.  My husband and I lived together before we were married, and now 13 years after the "I do's", things are a WHOLE LOT different than that period of time we were "getting to know each other".

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    LondonGirlposted 15 years ago

    Or just living together, not marrying at all.
    
    I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 20, and he was 19. We are both now 31 (soon, I'll be a year older than him again.....)
    
    My parents weren't overjoyed, they mostly just ignored it. When we stayed with them, BF had to share a room with my brother, not with me. That lasted 7 years, then they gave in when I was pregnant.
    
    Marriage just isn't a big deal for me, or for him. We love each other, and Isaac, and live together, and enjoy life.
    
    If people want to get married (hetro or gay) more power to their elbows. Just don't count me in!

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    Shalini Kagalposted 15 years ago

    Definitely - you never really know someone unless you live with them and travel with them!

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18. 81

    LondonGirlposted 15 years ago

    I agree about travelling.
    
    BF and I spent 10 weeks together every minute of every day, camping in outer Mongolia. We really knew each other after that!

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       Teresa McGurkposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Now there's a story!  Have you written a Hub about it?

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       andromidaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       thats great.I also think to know each other well traveling can a good idea.In fact our ancestors used to do it.

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    Shalini Kagalposted 15 years ago

    Yep - if you can't travel with 'em, don't marry 'em

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    LondonGirlposted 15 years ago

    No - perhaps I should!

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    MrsMRBSposted 15 years ago

    Well, I think to each its own.  Of course your parents would have it you be married before living together.  From my religious beliefs, I know we should be married, at the same time I have learned we decide and rather we succeed or fail, God helps us through.  I have been living with my fiance for four years and I do want to be married, not in a rush, but definitely opened to it.  I will not force him into marriage!!!  There are more serious problems in this world to be worked out.!!!

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    LondonGirlposted 15 years ago

    I agree. For a couple like me and OH, who are hard-working, happy, and support each other and our son, there are bigger issues out there than whether we have a certificate or not (-:

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    TravelMonkeyposted 15 years ago

    I think a couple should move in together, then marriage and then children. Ideally anyway.

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    rambo87posted 15 years ago

    I reckon it depends on the type of people involved. Some people are just not suited to spend too much time together where as some get stronger the more time they spend together! Definitely needs a lot of thought before you do it as this can either make or break a relationship!!

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    VENUGOPAL SIVAGNAposted 15 years ago

    Marriages give legality for relationship with a woman.. In India, no one will respect those who go with men before marriage.  Remaining unmarried itself is not respected here.  That is why our culture is sustaining for so long.  All unmarried men and women of other countries may come to India and learn about our culture.

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       amrogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       While i respect your opinion, i believe this is an outdated viewpoint.  my finance was raised in india and seems to have no problems living with me... and may i add  i know plenty of indian born people living in the US of both genders who never seemed to follow that rule back home or here from what i am told..and im pretty sure they are not lieing.  your comment seems rather egocentric and outdated. your culture is choosing to become westernized as well whether you like it or not.  in terms of sustaining, you have a strong faith system, not moral superiority.

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          VENUGOPAL SIVAGNAposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Ms.amrog, I am living in the same world you live. My viewpoint is not outdated, as true Indians stick to the same customs and cultural practices that existed for centuries. May be you cant digest it.  Indians living in US are free to follow the practices that exist there, may be they wont like to create problems there. Certainly my Indian culture dont choose the west because ours is the best, morally superior and it is a strong faith system.

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    AEvansposted 15 years ago

    I believe that if we as Americans practiced some of the Old Traditions , the Divorce rate would be much less, as living together before marriage makes it easier for a man to get to comfortable , therefore they do not make the same committment as they already have what they want.

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       Pestposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Yes, but "old tradition" also meant that women didn't have the "right" to speak her mind in her own home or in public.  Old traditions were of a different time and era...i am sure there were plenty of women who wanted out of their marriage, but were stifled because of the husband, church family or society they were involved with.  It is a shame the way women were treated.

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          AEvansposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          You are right and after thinking about it for a while, as I love being vocal I could not imagine not being able to speak my mind, they probably would have went on a witch hunt and I would have been lynched. This brings me to the beheading that I read about on-line and heard about in the news, I certainly could not imagine loosing my head.

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          VENUGOPAL SIVAGNAposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Nowhere will a woman's right to speak be curtailed.  As a woman, she has some social responsibilites and her conduct should bring honour to her and her family.  By invoking her "rights",  she is putting herself to risks. No right-thinking man will treat a good woman "shamefully".  We in India have more women gods than man-gods.  And all the evils in society are cleared by women - gods only in our folk-stories.
          Getting out of marriage is not a healthy sign of an enlightened society.  Living long with one wife and one husband is the real society. If you take it as different time and era, it is better to uphold our traditional ways rather than invent things as we want.
          All the present day evils in society are due to these "exploratory" approach.

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             ladyvenusposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             The meaning of marriage has changed with the modern times depending on the cultural aspect, the family upbringing of an individual. In most cases like the muslim tradtion, the chinese tradition. Long way before marriage is a sacred vows but today marriage has been stained already. Often people put blame to the piece of paper for the legality of marriage when the problems lies on the attitude and unfaithfulness of a couple. If we based it on the Holy Bible it is definitely no living together before marriage as in no sex. Bur if it happened already to you, you may just tell your kids later on that its really a no sex, no live-in being allowed. Its just that people has become to liberal to justify there own mistakes. I heard it from someone saying  people have lost the ability to recognized sinful act from what is morally right. No wonder diseases like HIV/ AIDS , Sars, Swine flue and all this economic crisis. Is this a sign that God is knocking on us very hard just to listen to him or do we wait for more calamities and diseases to come before we change our lives. Its not all the money and material things that matters in this world. But living harmoniously, and morally right.

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    footynutposted 14 years ago

    My personal opinion is that it is a good idea to live together before marriage. I think that living together for a period of time will give a good indication of whether or not marriage is a suitable option. If the time spent living together is successful then marriage might be considered. Living together may strengthen your feelings towards a person and remove any doubts that you previously had about marriage. On the other hand...it might make it clear that you don't want to marry that person. If your time spent living together is spent arguing and unhappy etc then I would suggest you don't get married! Separting after living together is certainly easier than separating after marriage!

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       tksenseiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Might that not be an argument against cohabitation?

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    packerpackposted 14 years ago

    I believe it is just individual choice. If a couple have proper understanding then why not? What is the harm? And what happens on the day of marriage, what is that significant thing that happens that makes a man and woman live together. Living together is all about compatibility and not about some ritual that has to be performed in front of a bunch of people. Marriage is just a way to tell society "Look guys we are going to live together now.". Though I find it really funny that one has to inform or take permission from other if he/she wants to live with someone he/she loves.

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    Colebabieposted 14 years ago

    My boyfriend and I won't get engaged until we live together first. Sure we've traveled together, he spends at least 3 nights a week at my apartment, but its not the same until you live together.

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    FunFacterposted 14 years ago

    Depends on culture.
    
    Up NA its something common people live together before marriage its nothing uncommon.
    
    Lets go all the way to Sub-continents.
    
    India its kinda Taboo a girl living with her lover before marriage.
    
    I guess one should study culture anthropology and look at each culture from EMIC perspective and not their ethnocentric view which most AMERICANS and CANADIANS DO.

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    Ghost32posted 14 years ago

    Seems to me it depends on the two people involved.  Pam is my 7th wife (no, that's not a typo).  Leaving out the novel length post that would be required to discuss all 7, I will say that we (Pam and I) lived together for 9.5 years before we got technically hitched in May of '06...and both sides of that equation have worked out well for us.

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    jcalesposted 14 years ago

    The paper only gives you some tax breaks and couple discount. Other than that it it is not beneficial, esp. for a man if a divorce occurs.

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    Louidam1posted 14 years ago

    I perfer to live with a person first before I marry them.  I think you really find out what a person is all about when you are living with them.  I am currently living with my b/f unmarried and it has been the best way to get to know him better before I marry him.

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    Mac Missionposted 14 years ago

    If both party agree and have good understanding trust. There is no harm

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    CEN7777posted 14 years ago

    No, Humans are not automobile.

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       andromidaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Great analogy.

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    VENUGOPAL SIVAGNAposted 14 years ago

    LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE:
    This topic holds good for our Indian culltural system in a sense, if only the sex factor is not counted.
    
    We all lived together before marriage with parents, brothers and sisters. Only after marriage, I had to come out (due to professional necessity of my wife) from that heaven, which I will be able to see only in heaven!
    
    Our life-style is family oriented and most of the families live a combined family. That joy, coming from a joint family has no limitations. Slowly, that system seems cracking to the outside world. But the majority of people living in villages live that life.

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    SweetiePieposted 14 years ago

    The Trobiand Islanders of Papua New Guinea encourage young people in their culture to live together before marriage, and have done so for hundreds of years.  Their belief is this will help a couple decide whether their are compatible before getting married.  The Trobiand Islanders have strong family units, and interestingly this is a way of life not introduced by outside influences.  The missionaries actually tried to discourage this way of being.

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    packerpackposted 14 years ago

    I do not see it as any problem. In fact I think it should be done to a certain level so that people know each other well before exchanging rings.

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    goodfriendiamposted 14 years ago

    First what is a marriage? Is it a piece of paper or to souls joining together? Do you even need to marry, for it is only a need if you both need to have documentation, for what ever reason or because you both like the idea of the wedding "bells" or you both strongly believe in it. I don't think living or not living together is going to help out the situation until you figure out what it is you both want or believe in. If you don't believe in living together before marriage, but you go ahead any how then somewhere down the line you are going to experience guilt. And beat your self up over it.  If neither of you care about the arrangements then do so.

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       andromidaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks for your outstanding comment.

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    yoshi97posted 14 years ago

    If two people live together for a long time they are definitely committed to one another, as either party could have left at any time with no strings attached, whereas a married couple will often stay married rather than go through the court system and get a divorce.
    
    So you see, those who live together a long time are committed, and those who are married a long time might *need* to be committed.

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    getyourgirlfbackposted 14 years ago

    No.  It's wrong, unintended, and a large part of the divorce problem in this country today.
    
    It creates an uncommitted atmosphere based on sexual desire and a lack of true intimacy.
    
    When that becomes boring, the relationship, not existing within the confines of a constitution like marriage, dissolves.

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    reeltaulkposted 14 years ago

    makes sense to me...........................

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    ralwusposted 14 years ago

    I would never purchase my shoes without first trying them on. Marriage is a good thing, I have one. My advice to young men now is to marry an redneck woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. Aand marriage is better than AIDS because it's easier to get rid of.

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    Janettaposted 14 years ago

    I'm all for living together before marriage, but I know it's not right for everybody.
    
    Jumping into marriage is hard enough on its own but to combine that with the trials associated with living together for the first time it can be even worse. I lived with my husband for three years before we were married and I will always be glad I did.

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    Genniferposted 14 years ago

    It seems to me that you can date with a persn for ages and know him worse than after living with him for a month. When you live with a person you love before a marriage you'll definitely what you can expect from this person after marriage. I personaly live with my boyfriend for more than a year, and I often understand him even without words. Now I'm sure in him, his feelings and that we can find common language on different issues like for instance cleaning of the house, etc; we are going to marry in several months. So I think that it certainly makes sense to live together before a marriage.

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