Would you risk a relationship to help the with the truth?
85- Deborah-Lynn
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What if a friend, daughter, sister or someone else you cared for was in trouble, but in denial? If you can see symptoms that there is a problem, like wrong behavior, like bruises occuring often, like absenses from work...would you risk your relationship to try to help.? If the person is hiding the truth, even from you, how do you find out you are right or wrong? Would you rather be wrong and not have that relationship anymore, or be right and just let the pain continue in silence? Another part to the question...how would you deal with their anger when you bring up a sensitive subject?
95- Dame Scribe
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I have had friends in such situations and would tell stories in the 3rd person and ask what they would do
makes them think and maybe realize their own situation but also got to build up their own self-esteem 
tough task and got to tread carefully but worked with my friend. Also had a sister in that situation, took a few times leaving n going back but the counsellor said she was practicing but eventually she got herself out too.
92- shamelabboush
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I think sharing is the best solution here and nothing else.
I think if you're so sure your friend's in trouble, you better do the right thing and do something bout it...it's better to risk your relationship than to risk his life. And if he's really your friend he'll understand in the end why you did that...
52- Dr Will 911
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The situation you are describing here appears to be that of a woman in an abusive relationship. I work to reeducate men who have entered the justice system as a result of domestic violence and authored a book “How To Avoid Bad Relationships”. My advice would be to risk losing the relationship to prevent her from losing her life.
Abusive relationships only get worse NEVER better. Eventually the man will declare that he is going to kill her. Once he says this, it is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. The longer she remains in the relationship, the more likely this will be the result.
That said, trying to help a woman escape abuse is akin to trying to help a person escape drug addiction. Until the person really wants to get out there is nothing anyone can really do to help them. The best you can do at this point is plant the seeds in her mind of what she needs to do. Let her know that she is not hiding anything. Show her where she can go for help. Then pray that others will come along to water the seeds you have sown and that GOD will provide the increase as well as the protection in the interim.
100- Lisa HW
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With most things in life I'm a big fan of not making guesses about what's going on, and waiting until someone says something first. Since you mentioned bruises, though, I'm guessing you're thinking someone is being physically abused. I don't think anyone can or should stand by and say nothing if that's the case. It's too dangerous much of the time. There's no doubt about it it's a sensitive, tricky, situation; but I think keeping a couple of things in mind may possibly offer some idea, at least, about how not to approach the topic.
People often say nothing because they believe the abuse won't happen again, or believe the relationship will improve "once the partner is no longer under such stress". Often, women don't want family members/friends to think less of the partner if it turns out to be temporary (which many think it may be). Especially if the partner is well liked by family and friends, girlfriends/wives often don't want that "otherwise nice" partner to be hated. Based on this, I think I may go into the discussion with the message, "I know he's under a lot of stress.." (or "I know he is suffering with his mental health problems) (and then approach the "meat" of the discussion).
Another reason some women don't tell is they are humiliated at not being able to stop what's going on themselves. Not all girls/women have low self-esteem. It is now understood that abusers are often attracted to strong women with high self-esteem (presumably because such women are not needy, and emotionally well adjusted women are actually often likely to think, "I can't expect him to be perfect. I understand that he has 'issues'"). As a result, they may try to be "understanding" longer than someone else may be. For a strong woman who has built a lot of her self-esteem on how effective and capable a person she is, being helpless when being victimized; and not being able to stop it; can feel humiliating. Being humiliated during the actual abuse (besides being hurt) is bad enough, but sharing that less obvious humiliation of not being able to stop it, or imagining someone else conjuring up images of the abuse, itself; can make some women feel as if they can't "take on" yet more humiliation. When someone is "acting like the enemy", and when he gets the upper hand and manages to cause harm/hurt; it can be difficult to admit that this person who "aimed to win" did, in fact, "win". Not wanting to admit that this person has managed to "win" and hurt her, victims of abuse may want to retain "at least this much" of their dignity. Abused women can sometimes have the thinking, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but ugly names and you will not hurt the me that is inside." Admitting abuse can not only just be admitting being hurt (beyond physical) and having the abuser "win"; but there can also be concerns that people won't understand how "generally ok" she still is or won't understand other aspects of the situation. Even if a woman is willing to be perceived as "a little damaged", she may not want to have to deal with what she sees as others "over-estimating" how damaged she "must be".
Other than understanding that this kind of thinking can go on, I don't think you can worry about any anger the individual may have. It's better to be a relative/friend who says, "You can't be living with this," than one who says, "Oh, no - I don't think he's all that bad," or "You need to figure a way to work out this problem and save your relationship." Maybe approaching the discussion with some story or reference to the way "we all" can feel humiliated/embarrassed if we can't "just put a stop" something "when we're usually so capable" may be a way to break the ice.
Most important, looking online to find reputable sites that advise friends/family members how to deal with it when they suspect abuse is a good idea. Most of them offer similar ideas on how to approach things, but checking several is probably a good idea. It may be true that there's only so much you can, but that doesn't mean not doing everything you can do.I can only speak for me
I have seen this all too often, as well as been there myself. So I can tell you from my own experience and I speak for nobody else out there, that they are not lying to you per say, they are lying to themselves.
It is never easy to admit to yourself-or anybody else that you are a battered wife/girl friend/ fiancee or what have you because that makes women reluctant to say anything, ask for help, because that means leaving the abuser, calling the cops, having him arrested, filing charges, going to a battered womens shelter, filing a restraining order or your best bet, a PFA (if it has not yet been done).
Then there is the prospect of tomorrow,, and the next day. Living one day at a time, constantly afraid 'what if?', what's next?
I don't think I could sit idly by and do or say nothing and risk going to her funeral, I don't think I could live with myself.
Then again,,, if I was to lose that friendship and I was right, didn't I fail her just the same??? I mean the less people who are in her support group, the more compelled she is going to stay.
But yes, to answer your question, I would rather not have her friendship and be wrong and everything to turn out for her, for the better, than I would be right about it friendship or no friendship.
NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE BEATEN UP BY HER HUSBAND OR ANY MAN AND NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER BE HIT AND THEN MADE TO FEEL IT IS HER FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Will write more in a personal message.
FrankiI risk it all in the name of right and wrong ....been there..........done that ..........sacrificed everything to help someone, and then someone else and someone else and started over myself a few times because of it .........don't regret it .........and will do it again if the situation arises but, thats just me
86- bloodnlatex
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starme77 wrote:
I risk it all in the name of right and wrong ....been there..........done that ..........sacrificed everything to help someone, and then someone else and someone else and started over myself a few times because of it .........don't regret it .........and will do it again if the situation arises but, thats just me
If you feel it's the right thing to do, then go for it!
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- Deborah-Lynn
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Deborah-Lynn wrote:
What if a friend, daughter, sister or someone else you cared for was in trouble, but in denial? If you can see symptoms that there is a problem, like wrong behavior, like bruises occuring often, like absenses from work...would you risk your relationship to try to help.? If the person is hiding the truth, even from you, how do you find out you are right or wrong? Would you rather be wrong and not have that relationship anymore, or be right and just let the pain continue in silence? Another part to the question...how would you deal with their anger when you bring up a sensitive subject?
Thank you all for your input, I have her living here with me right now, as he is out of town, she is deffinately in denial, talks with him on the phone sometimes, refuses to at other times, so back and forth, refuses to see a professional doctor or counselor, so it's day by day. He is quite older than she is, she's 19 yrs. very sheltered in her life, ran away to be with him, he is a famous Trainer, muscles everywhere and exceptionally handsome. He is very influencial over her, as absolutely beautiful as she is, she is afraid he will cheat on her...while she was in Hawaii for two weeks he had his old fiancee move in with him, then just ended it when she got back...he's so...arrrggh! But she has changed from a confident High School girl to a clingy mess...it's so hard when she changes her story about the bruises...first she said the dog jumped up and hit her in the chin bone with his head, then she told her sister it happened while she has been learning kickboxing, from...you guessed it...her boyfriend... trainer to the Stars, I doubt they leave their sessions with bruises!
if you have chosen to deal with an individual who prefers to be lied to because they themselves have a tendancy of telling tales, no! but if you are dealing with a mature understanding considerate individual i don't see the harm that it would bring!
vonda G. nelsonSometimes the test of a relationship, which I trust is based on a fairly deep-seated friendship, is to speak 'your' truth about what you have observed. It seems that we are talking about some form of family violence. Not something that can be overlooked if we truly care and want to uphold what's morally right and, incidentally, the law on spousal abuse. For I think that speaking the truth in kindness proves you care enough to say what you feel pressed to say.
And so it's important to examine our own motives for telling this person what they likely don't want to hear, and if we are clear about our intentions, then go for it...
As for any anger they may reveal after we have risked, how to deal with it? The intensity of their reaction/response will reveal how well they are in terms of personal maturity, that is, for instance,in being able to cleanly listen and reply, etc. And therefore gives you clues on how to proceed.
The tricky part for you, however, is to stay focussed, and unshaken by their anger, or, for that matter, their tears or appeals about the "love" in that relationship. It's my conviction that you will have a lame puppy on your hands if what appears to be physical abuse has been going on for a long time. So you will possibly get a wild ride from revealing your care. It's your challenge to keep it together for yourself, and for her...
Bruce
72- dutchman1951
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Deborah-Lynn wrote:
What if a friend, daughter, sister or someone else you cared for was in trouble, but in denial? If you can see symptoms that there is a problem, like wrong behavior, like bruises occuring often, like absenses from work...would you risk your relationship to try to help.? If the person is hiding the truth, even from you, how do you find out you are right or wrong? Would you rather be wrong and not have that relationship anymore, or be right and just let the pain continue in silence? Another part to the question...how would you deal with their anger when you bring up a sensitive subject?
when I saw it happening to a friend, I asked another mutual friend to observe and get closer to it with me. Once the mutual friend was satisfied it was indeed that, we Both took her out and cornerd her. Did it that way and opend it up. she got mad at first but could not direct it at any one of us directly, because two people saw it, and she finally agreed. She was scared and hurt, so then we just keep assuring we were both there for her, and we interveine'd to help her. it was hard, but we did it.
it did not work perfect, but we are all still best of friends. You just never know I guess.- 85
- Deborah-Lynn
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dutchman1951 wrote:
Deborah-Lynn wrote:
What if a friend, daughter, sister or someone else you cared for was in trouble, but in denial? If you can see symptoms that there is a problem, like wrong behavior, like bruises occuring often, like absenses from work...would you risk your relationship to try to help.? If the person is hiding the truth, even from you, how do you find out you are right or wrong? Would you rather be wrong and not have that relationship anymore, or be right and just let the pain continue in silence? Another part to the question...how would you deal with their anger when you bring up a sensitive subject?
when I saw it happening to a friend, I asked another mutual friend to observe and get closer to it with me. Once the mutual friend was satisfied it was indeed that, we Both took her out and cornerd her. Did it that way and opend it up. she got mad at first but could not direct it at any one of us directly, because two people saw it, and she finally agreed. She was scared and hurt, so then we just keep assuring we were both there for her, and we interveine'd to help her. it was hard, but we did it.
it did not work perfect, but we are all still best of friends. You just never know I guess.Having a caring person back me up with her a great suggestion, thank you I honestly didn't think of that but I want to give it a try.
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- Deborah-Lynn
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blaise25 wrote:
I think if you're so sure your friend's in trouble, you better do the right thing and do something bout it...it's better to risk your relationship than to risk his life. And if he's really your friend he'll understand in the end why you did that...
Thank you Blaise, the person in trouble is actually my daughter, she is 19 yrs old, totally in love with this kid, don't know what she will do in the coming days when he comes back from being out of town...
- 85
- Deborah-Lynn
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bloodnlatex wrote:
starme77 wrote:
I risk it all in the name of right and wrong ....been there..........done that ..........sacrificed everything to help someone, and then someone else and someone else and started over myself a few times because of it .........don't regret it .........and will do it again if the situation arises but, thats just me
If you feel it's the right thing to do, then go for it!
Thank you for your sincerity on this issue, I don't knowif you read further but the person I am dying to help is my 19 year old daughter, she may take off on me and not let me know where she is, this is why I am so uncertain, she is going through changes right now that I don't understand, I don't want to leave her with nowhere to turn if she is being abused by her boyfriend.
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- Deborah-Lynn
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reeltaulk wrote:
if you have chosen to deal with an individual who prefers to be lied to because they themselves have a tendancy of telling tales, no! but if you are dealing with a mature understanding considerate individual i don't see the harm that it would bring!
vonda G. nelsonVonda, my daughter is ADHD and she refuses to take her medication since she's been going with this guy, she is 19, he is 24, we have no legal recoarse, as he waited until her birthday in August to make his move...
72- rhamson
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Deborah-Lynn wrote:
What if a friend, daughter, sister or someone else you cared for was in trouble, but in denial? If you can see symptoms that there is a problem, like wrong behavior, like bruises occuring often, like absenses from work...would you risk your relationship to try to help.? If the person is hiding the truth, even from you, how do you find out you are right or wrong? Would you rather be wrong and not have that relationship anymore, or be right and just let the pain continue in silence? Another part to the question...how would you deal with their anger when you bring up a sensitive subject?
You only have to ask yourself how would you deal with her being hurt or worse yet killed and you did nothing. Not judging you but that is what I would ask myself.
100- pgrundy
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Decide what you are willing to do to help, then offer it once and let it go. If you are a close friend she may take you up on it. If not, at least you've planted the seed.
I was in an abusive situation once and I left when one of my kids pointed out that if they were in the same position I'd advise them to leave. Once I saw that, it woke me up and I left. But she might not be ready. All you can do is offer what you can and then wait.
83- QuirkyPearl
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From all of the above advice I am assuming you will have a notion of how you are going deal with your distressing situation. One final thing I would do when she leaves you and returns to him, as she may very well do, is, tell her you love her...Beneath all anger lies fear and inside she is probably very frightened...remind her of your love. I would say to my girl....
I love you, no matter what ever happens in your life know that I love you, there is nothing you could ever tell me, that would stop me from loving you, and If you need me, I am here, I'm your Mum and that will never change.
