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I visited the forums looking to have some fun "conversations" but the active topics got me depressed. I'd like to laugh a little. Anybody got some good jokes?
Check out my hub Bumble Town Susan - tell me if you understand Kiwis & our humour (we can laugh at ourselves) I'm not trying to promo the hub, rather I need to appreciate how others take us as Kiwis.. I would really appreciate your remarks. Cheers
Okay, I'll go take a look. Hate to sound stupid, but what are Kiwis?
To be honest, I didn't understand half of it, but I found it amusing anyway. Then again, it doesn't take much to amuse me. Hehe!
Can I just make funny faces?'
Yipppeee you've got a hundred score!
Hehe... don't tell Feline Prophet, but I did a happy jig without her. Hehehe! Now let's see those funny faces, Teacher Michelle!
FUNNY FACES and I'm singing...we're all in this together...
Teacher Su, isn't it time to write a hub? hahahahahaha
Ooh, Zac Efron! I like! Haha! And Nica likes "Sharpay".
Nica likes Sharpay?? Ooh she is so cute... 6 year old Nica I mean...
Yep, she absolutely adores Sharpay. I guess that's why she sang the second voice of "We're All In This Together" while all her classmates sang the main lyrics. The second voice was Sharpay!
You Guys Are just like Book Ends Well done ... open a literacy school together & send me a membership form pwease
Teacher Michelle already has a preschool with Teacher Stella, and I got to be part of the wacky team! You want to enroll in Kindergarten, Pearldiver?
Okay I'll email you the form and you can be our student. hehehe
I Know its supposed to be a fun forum.. but I cheated because I was being serious .... I Will Really Look Forward to it..
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
Hi Susan; my new hubpage fan and facebook friend. It's good to see you.
BTW Congratulations on your 100 hubscore.
I thought because you work with children you might like some kid jokes to share with them, here goes:
Why do spiders like the internet?
Because of all the websites
Why did the singer climb a ladder?
To reach the high notes
What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer?
How does Old MacDonald spell farm?
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! One day I'll climb the bookshelf in the classroom to teach the high notes! Thanks for good laugh, Dottie. Happy to be your fan and friend. And thanks.
hehehe good ones dottie. Lovely to see you here!
Lovely to see you too ripplemaker! Congratulations on the again 100 hubscore.
Here's a joke for you Teacher Michelle!
How can a teacher double his money?
By folding it in half! hahaha
(Hope this helps to get you quicker to your million dollar dreams)
http://hubpages.com/hub/what-would-I-do … on-dollars
Depressed? Hey Susan you've got a 100 hub score...you ought to be doing a happy jig!
I'll do a happy jig if you jig along with me, Feline Prophet.
I have a good French joke I heard the other day:
The French have just raised their Terror Alert Level to "Surrender."
They only have two other lower levels:
'Run Away" and
I reckon you don't get out of England much. Or out of the nineteenth century. Got any good jokes about kids stuck in chimneys?
Fairly well, yes. Considering I work in English.
So what is your excuse for being a little Englander?
LOL - Well, talk about jumping to conclusions. If you don't know me, I suggest you keep your opinions of me to yourself. I make fun of just about everything - including myself, so I fail to see how one rotten joke about the French makes me a little Englander.
What is your excuse for being such a dickhead?
Okay boys, I'm putting the two of you on time-out! Go sit in the corner and think about what you've said.
Well Susan since we are now on the subject of dickheads here's another joke!
A Mother is bathing her small son.
He points at his testicles and says: ‘Mummy, is this where my brain is?’
Mother answers: ‘Not yet, dear.’
(Well it made me laugh!)
Please don't put me in the corner with the boys
Haha! That IS funny! And I would never put you in the corner with those two boys, Dottie! Haha!
Sorry girls the grown ups are taking here. About something that matters.
I'm sure you've noticed that the topic title is about having fun, not about having a heated conversation? So please, bring your party elsewhere. Thank you.
Well so much for your polite request Susan. I guess boys will be boys. I never liked that phrase, just gives them more reason to be naughty!
Thank you for not putting me in the corner with the boys. You really are a friend and a fan.
Whoops, touched a nerve.
Good thing the French are so insensitive or you might have upset 60 million people with all their war dead.
Have you ever visited the local cemetery? With a French family, I mean.
I am not really interested in justifying myself to you. Clearly I have offended your delicate sensibilities to which I can honestly say - "I don't care."
I have lots of French, German, Dutch, Italian, and American friends - all of who I am quite comfortable making fun of, and all of whom are comfortable making fun of me and my country of origin.
Seriously Will - you're funnin' right?
This is the FUN topic. With a capital Eff.
Mr Knowles - that was a terrible joke ...
*laughing to herself - because no one can hear*
Hey, frogdropping. I have no idea what Mark and Will are talking about. Were they in violation of the rules of the fun topic with a capital eff?
I know - it was the best I could do off the top of my head because I heard it yesterday. I really like Mr Apse' wicked sense of humor though, it has me rolling about.
Hmm... I don't know what that means, Mark, but it made me laugh anyway. Got another one?
I'm looking at your hub... You're from New Zealand, Pearldiver? My husband and I were thinking of migrating to New Zealand once upon a time.
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Haha! I've heard variations of this one. Nice helmet by the way, nazishnasim.
Thankyou! it took a lot of effort to put that one on me, I tell ya!
Oh, I just remembered a funny conversation I had with a 4-year-old student of mine a couple of years back:
Student: "I watch Tom & Jerry."
Me: "That's nice. When did you watch it?"
Student: "I watch it... at the back of today."
Me: "You mean yesterday? You watched Tom & Jerry yesterday?"
Check this out Susan
http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Funniest-Jo … Polar-Bear
Haha! Thanks for that one, Cris. I got a laugh and a dose of polar bear cuteness.
Hmm... I wonder if today is the first time three people from the Philippines have gotten a hubber score of 100 simultaneously. Hehe...
Yeah funny that one!
Well now that you mentioned it...I guess it's the first time. I hope it's not a joke - at least as far as my score is concerned! LOL
This is just my second time getting a score of 100 in the two years I've been here, so it better not be a joke!
congrats cris I can give you a star. Give me your hand please...
Oh, I think he has stars up to his elbow from the other forum thread, Teacher Michelle. Give me the star instead! Ahahahaha!
Thanks Miss Michelle! Hmmm do I get a star in Math too if I give you this? (But do take a bite quick as it's some weird apple I picked)
Bribing the teacher is a serious offense, Cris, even with a weird apple! Haha!
You have to answer the math exercises first...
Okay, okay, I'll put down my teacher's hat and take a bite at the weird apple... Cris, if I take a bite, promise I won't fall asleep?
Now I'm really amused. This topic has two separate "threads" in it! Haha!
Will Apse - that comment was totally unnecessary.
Shame on you.
Will and Mark, would you kindly start your own topic and continue your conversation there? Thanks.
Asp - I am not really interested in having an argument on what is supposed to be a fun thread. Just for you here are some more. Let me know if I missed anyone:
"Italian tanks have four gears - one forward and three reverse."
"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison."
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
Plenty more if you want
I finished an auto assignement on Associated Content. They were looking for some red neck jokes in the style of Jeff Foxworthy. Here are a few that I came up with. Sorry if I offend anyone.
If your dog won't bother the cat as long as it keep the rats off the porch, you might be a red neck.
If your wife calls your dad Uncle Frank, you might be a red neck.
If your dog is acting funny and you suspect your brother, you might be a red neck.
If your thirteen year old sister is pregnant... again, you might be a red neck.
If you dress up and go out for a big meal at the Wallmart lunch counter, you might be a red neck.
If your friends say you look young because you are only missing three teeth, you might be a red neck.
Hi, Pete. At the risk of sounding like an idiot, I have to ask - what's a redneck? And uhm, who's Jeff Foxworthy?
Jeff Foxworthy is a popular Amercian comedian that focuses on the humor of country folk. He is a country boy himself and it is all in good fun. A redneck was a name given to people in the southern United States that appeared less educated and fiercly anti-progress on every subject from religion to civil rights. They got their name from the sunburn that would be on the back of their necks. Jeff actually characterizes them more as hillbillies. Real rednecks are very few and far between. The people of the southern United States take it all in fun.
Blondepoet to the rescue.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............
"Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
A few pages ago, Pearldiver said that New Zealanders can take a joke.
OK, here's a couple to test that theory
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
And another one for our New Zealand Friends:
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement).
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......!!'
OK, a couple of short ones, and then I'll stop.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her bloody appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
My wife showed me this one so ladies don't get mad at me.
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Why did the squirrel swim on his back?....... to keep his nuts dry!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do..
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him..
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing..
He would shake it off and take a step up..
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Enough of that crap .. . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him..
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. Damn straight.
I don't think this format will show up here on HP but man, if it does, you are in for a TREAT! This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
If it doesn't show up here in the Forum and you want to see it, email me and I'll send to your email.
It's a young Irish Lass calling in to ask to get her school demolished!
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