I'd like feedback on my article: Some Astonishing Inventions That Exist but...

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  1. enzoman profile image70
    enzomanposted 6 years ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article? What can I do to improve? Thanks!
    Here is my article: Some Astonishing Inventions That Exist but Most People Don't Know About Them. (must be signed in to view)

  2. CYong74 profile image99
    CYong74posted 6 years ago

    Enzoman, I think you have an interesting write-up here, as far as content is concerned. However:

    1) You have minor writing errors all over, most of which involve missing commas. For example, "Available on the market and easy to find with just a google search (,) the Language translators can translate up to 25 different languages." You need commas to break up long sentences.

    2) Overall, your sentences are very, very long. That makes them difficult to read which is a big no-no for successful online writing. I also feel you tend to link too many thoughts, observations, facts, etc, within one sentence. Break them up into separate sentences for easier reading.

    3) Your title is also very long. It will not be displayed in full in Google, which is bad for SEO. (According to most "experts")

    4) For better SEO, I suggest you number the items. Changing your title to include a number would be great too. For example, 4 Astonishing Inventions That Transformed Our Lives. Etc.

    Hope this helps.

    1. enzoman profile image70
      enzomanposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I made changes according to your advice, and published the article again.
      It still didn't cleared the assessment test. Would you take another look and give advice ? Your help would be really appreciated.

      1. Gregory DeVictor profile image99
        Gregory DeVictorposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        You wrote:

        “An exoskeleton is a wearable machine. A suit that facilitates limb movement. Which can increase the power, and endurance of the user drastically. Originally introduced by sci-fi comics and movies. The exoskeleton has been a long lost dream, until the last decade. There has been a enormous development in the exoskeleton research in the last decade. Most of the research being conducted in the Japan.”

        This paragraph has seven short, choppy sentences that need to be combined into longer ones.

        You wrote:

        “Humanity has come a long way since inventing wheel and fire. In what appears to be a few seconds on the celestial clock. We went from pointed sticks to nuclear power. Even now, we keep on pushing the boundaries of our ability to invent. Even today, scientists from all over the planet daily invent things. That are designed to make our life easier. I have come across few of these inventions, which seem unreal. As if from a science-fiction book. And most people don't even that they exist.”

        Once again, this paragraph contains a number of short, choppy sentences that must be combined into longer ones.

        To learn more about short, choppy sentences and how to correct them, be sure to read this article several times:

        http://writing.umn.edu/sws/assets/pdf/q … tences.pdf

        You wrote:

        “There has been a enormous development in the exoskeleton research in the last decade. Most of the research being conducted in the Japan.”

        You might want to replace the word “enormous” with a word like “substantial.” Besides, “a enormous” is grammatically incorrect.

        “In the Japan” is grammatically incorrect. The sentence is also missing a verb.

        “In the exoskeleton research” should read “in exoskeleton research.”

        Your title is much too long. You need to create a clear, complete, and concise title that is seo friendly.

      2. AliciaC profile image93
        AliciaCposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        Hi, enzoman. In addition to the choppy sentences that Gregory mentions, your article contains many sentence fragments. Sentence fragments aren't complete sentences, even though they start with a capital letter and end with a period. You need to go through the article very carefully in order to edit the English errors. Good luck.

  3. theraggededge profile image87
    theraggededgeposted 6 years ago

    Poor guy, first his sentences are too long and now they are too short big_smile Enzo you need a mix of both but the most important thing is that they flow together coherently. Read your work out loud, paying attention to the periods/full stops and commas. Some sentences may need to be a little longer, while others shorter.

    Reading more may help you a lot. Try to take in how the writer uses phrases, sentences and paragraphs to keep that all-important flow. Also, try to spot bad writing--sometimes that can help you too.

  4. theraggededge profile image87
    theraggededgeposted 6 years ago

    Also, the title. 'Astonishing Inventions You Have Never Heard Of' might be better.

  5. Kenna McHugh profile image93
    Kenna McHughposted 6 years ago

    Hi Enzoman, All the suggestions so far are valid. I recommend you follow them. I also recommend you read HP guidelines. Their guidelines are simple, short, and very helpful. One point on the guidelines is writing in the third person. HP prefers that over the first person. In other words, they, their and they're instead of you, your, and you're. The guidelines also suggest writing from a personal point of view. You could try that as well. For example, do you have any personal experiences with these products? I don't see a bio claiming your background in this area. I'd add that, too. Do take a look at HP guidelines because you have other violations.

  6. Sherry Hewins profile image86
    Sherry Hewinsposted 6 years ago

    It seems obvious to me that English is not your first language. If you have a friend who is a native English speaker, and that person could proof your article for you, it would go a long way toward having this article featured.

 
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