Friday Jokes

1. 76

   jimmythejockposted 16 years ago

   Who are the Coolest people working in a Hospital?
   
   The Ultra Sound People.....jimmy

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2. 59

   dingdongposted 16 years ago

   Jamie and Jimmy -
   
   Good jokes

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3. 59

   dingdongposted 16 years ago

   ----------------
   Teacher:
   Raghu, your composition on My Dog is exactly the same as your brother's . Did u copy his?
   
   Raghu :
   No, teacher it's the same dog!
   ----------------

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4. 59

   oxymoronposted 16 years ago

   I LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE THINKING
   
   Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
   
   "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
   
   your gun, how many would be left?"
   
   "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
   
   "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
   
   Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
   
   women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
   
   Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her
   
   cone, which one is married?
   
   Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
   
   "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But
   
   I like the way you are thinking".
   
   The Teacher Fainted...

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5. 84

   Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years ago

   A cabbie picks up a Nun.
   
   She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
   cab driver won't stop staring at her.
   
   She asks him why he is staring.
   
   He replies:
   'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
   
   She answers,
   'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
   and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
   hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
   say or ask that I would find offensive.'
   
   'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
   
   She responds,
   'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
   to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
   
   The cab driver is very excited and says,
   'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
   
   'OK'  the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
   The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
   make a hooker blush.
   
   But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
   
   'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
   
   'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess,
   I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
   
   The nun says, 'That's OK. 
   My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
   
   HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

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6. 76

   jimmythejockposted 16 years ago

   A husband and wife bought a pack of Olympic condoms, the husband turns to his wife and asks "should I wear the Gold or the Silver medal condom tonight my love?
   to this she replies"wear the silver you can come second for a nice change".....jimmy

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7. 59

   dingdongposted 16 years ago

   Great posts again Keep them coming

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8. 59

   oxymoronposted 16 years ago

   Little Johnny was at sunday school one
   
   Little Johnny was at sunday school one day and the teacher was asking the kids where they thought Jesus was.Mary said "I think Jesus is in my heart" Paul said," I think Jesus is in heaven" But then little Johnny said" I KNOW Jesus is in my bathroom because every morning my daddy is pounding on the door yelling, "Jesus Christ are you sill in there!"

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9. 60

   terenceyap07posted 16 years ago

   A man is forced to attend a company training seminar. All throughout this boring 4 hour talk, he struggled to stay awake and couldn't focus on anything.
   
   The next day, he was called into his boss's office where the latter asked,"So, what did you learn at the seminar yesterday?"
   
   After a minute of uncomfortable silence, he said, "I'm sorry boss, it was the most boring seminar I'd ever attended; you should have been there."
   
   And to this, his boss replied,"I was there  -  I was the only one speaking."
   
   *smiles*
   
   P/S  This is a true story of what happened to me on my very first training seminar in 1976. Coincidentally, that was my last day with that company. LOL 

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10. 76

    AEvansposted 16 years ago

    These are so funny that I am sharing them with my mom:)

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11. 80

    ProfoundPunsposted 16 years ago

    Two women are riding their bikes down a path surrounded by beautiful scenery.
    
    One woman says admiringly, "Wow, I've never come this way before!"
    
    The other woman says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."
    
    
    
    And these are some Dear Abby columns that I believe were actually submitted:
    
    Dear Abby,
    A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
    
    Dear Abby,
    What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR??!!
    
    Dear Abby,
    I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
    
    Dear Abby,
    I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
    
    Dear Abby,
    Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
    
    Dear Abby,
    My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
    
    Dear Abby,
    My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

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12. 84

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years ago

    We all need something to chuckle about...
    
    A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
    
    He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. Man, she is one fine looking  woman!'
    The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
    The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
    At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says................
    'Grandpa!..... Go home! You're drunk!'

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13. 59

    dingdongposted 16 years ago

    Great jokes

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14. 84

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years ago

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! 
    
    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
    
    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
    
    WAY TOO COOL!
    
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    
    AWESOME!!!
    
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
    
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
    
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!
    
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-B**CH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
    
    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    
    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

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    1. 60

       terenceyap07posted 16 years agoin reply to this

       I laughed till tears rolled down my cramped cheeks and I still can't sit upright because of the spasms my stomach is still experiencing from all the laughter.
       
       Though I'm rather dark for a Chinese, my cramped up facial muscles make me look distinctly Japanese at this very moment. Really... I just checked in the mirror.
       
       LOL!!! 
       
       (I'm still laughing now!)

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       1. 84

          Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          Terence! Really funny isn't it? I was alone when I read it for the first time, if any one would have seen me they would have thought I'm totally off my rock. You know, re-reading this poor saps story I still find it absolutely hilarious. Greetings to you from Canada zs

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          1. 60

             terenceyap07posted 16 years agoin reply to this

             Hi Zsuzsy,
             
             Thanks again for this award winner!!! 

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15. 59

    dingdongposted 16 years ago

    Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded black baby?
    
    A. Sum Ting Wong

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16. 59

    oxymoronposted 16 years ago

    Nice jokes

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17. 60

    guidebabaposted 16 years ago

    I have written a Hub on FUNNY JOKES. Haved a Look.

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18. 84

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years ago

    Would you get married again?
    
    WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
    HUSBAND: Definitely not!
    
    WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
    HUSBAND: Of course I do.
    
    WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
    
    WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
    HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
    
    WIFE: Would you live in our house?
    HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
    
    WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
    
    WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
    HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
    
    WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
    HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    
    WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
    HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
    
    WIFE: Silence -
    HUSBAND: 'Oh dear.. *****'

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    1. 60

       countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       I didn't get the punch line "WIFE: Silence -
       HUSBAND: 'Oh dear.. *****'"

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       1. 60

          Junksterposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          How would he know that his next wife is left handed?
          
          I thought that was a good one anyway!

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       2. 84

          Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          The miserable husband accidentaly let the cat out of the bag, he's having an affair...

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19. 84

    rockinjoeposted 16 years ago

    Q: How many Hubbers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    A: I don't know either, but if a bunch of people start asking, gamergirl will post a link to the FAQ.

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20. 76

    jimmythejockposted 16 years ago

    THE LOTTERY
    
    I asked my wife last night
    "What would you Do if I won the Lottery?"
    she replied "I would take half the money and leave you forever"
    I said "Pack your bags dear I got 3 numbers, here's your £5.00"

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21. 84

    Zsuzsy Beeposted 16 years ago

    Nice of her to only take half after that build up... good for you my mega winnings were just as great 6 weeks ago Can$20.00. I went over board and spent it all in one place (a bottle of nice wine) to celebrate my rich-ess.
    Greetings Jimmy and family zs

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