Daft Jokes - post your jokes here!

1. 82

   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
   The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
   
   The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
   
   Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
   
   As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
   The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
   
   As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
   
   The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
   
   The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
   
   The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
   
   And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
   
   The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
   
   I love this part.... :
   
   
   
   
   'Only when he's pissed.'

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   1. 50

      lesliethomposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Ha ha!! it is so funny.....
      http://healthproductadvice.com/quick-de … se-review/

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2. 92

   Rochelle Frankposted 14 years ago

   'Only when he's pissed.'
   
   Some people know this is Brit slang for drunk-- in US it usually means 'madder than heck".
   Cute joke--
   I guess you can't sleep  IzzyM ?

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   1. 82

      IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Rochelle its morning now - 0630 - but you know there isn't much to get up for so I may as well enjoy myself while I'm here
      
      Oh and you're right I should have changed the wording on that joke. Glad you got it Forgot about the Americanism with pissed meaning angry.
      Whatever!I'm a bit pissed right now (vodka!) lol

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3. 60

   Ohmaposted 14 years ago

   Izzy your joke reminds me of a true story that happened to my cousin and her husband a few weeks back.
   They where sitting at a traffic light and the car behind them failed to stop. everyone was ok and only minor damage to either car but the cop asked my cousin and husband if they had been wearing seat belts and her husband said he was. Their 5 yr old son looked at my cousin and very seriously said to her "Mommy, Daddy is going to H*ll for lying like that."

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   1. 82

      IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Seriously? LOLOL

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4. 59

   lxxyposted 14 years ago

   Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
   
   Because it died.
   
   Why did the chicken fall out of three?
   
   Because it was stapled to the monkey!
   
   

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5. 69

   Joy56posted 14 years ago

   any more jokes please, i am up  early too...... cannot remember any good ones, but would love to read more.

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6. 82

   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
   
   The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
   "Eight," the boy replied.
   The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
   The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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   1. 69

      Joy56posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      hope they had the desired effect.   that was funny

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      1. 60

         redwards54posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         A young boy from way back in the "sticks" was making his first trip ever to the beach. Once on the beach, he noticed all the pretty girls and their bikinis. Right away he decided that he just had to get him a summer love. He starts to strut up and down the beach hoping to catch the attention of one of these girls. He walks and he walks and not a single girl would even look at him. He then happens to notice that there were about a dozen girls hanging around the life guard. Now this guy wasn't very bright so he decided to ask the lifeguard for some advice as to how he could get a girlfriend as well. The lifeguard told the boy to go out and buy a real tight bathing suit and to put a baking potato inside the bathing suit and then strut up and down the beach.He told him this can't fail, I assure you that you'll get a girl if you do this. Next day just as the lifeguard suggested, the boy strutted up and down the beach with the potato stuffed inside his tight bathing suit. Again no luck. He returned back to the lifeguard and said I did just as you said and I still can't get a girl. The lifeguard then said, well no wonder you idiot, you are suppose to put the potato in the front !!!!

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         1. 75

            Sweetsusiegposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            That was worth a chuckle.....or 10  LOLOLOL  Hey, I'm blond what'd ya expect!!

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7. 60

   LaMamaLoliposted 14 years ago

   a man says to his mrs. "get upstairs you sexy thing", "ooh you kinky bastard" says the missus, "no seriously" he says"fuck off - the world cup is about to start"
   
   I don't know why, but I found that really funny!

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8. 58

   TerryGlposted 14 years ago

   Paddy and Shamus went to Africa for a safari tour.
   
   Paddy saw a lion and bent over to pick up a rock. Paddy then threw the rock at the lion.
   
   The lion got up angry as and started to run at the two men.
   
   Paddy shouted, "quick, run".
   
   Shamus said, "why, you threw the rock".

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9. 82

   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Brilliant! Really funny jokes you guys - I needed a laugh and got one! Cheers!
   
   This one's quite good...if you know anything about Uk politics that is...
   
       When at last Gordon Brown decided to throw in the towel and resign, his cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
        
       "There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a consultant told Sir Humphrey. but they are mostly freight locomotives."
        
       "Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
   
       "That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."
   
       "Oh well. Couldn't we rename it ?" asked Sir Humphrey.
   
       "I suppose for the prime minister it might be considered," said the consultant. 
       "That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's look at renaming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
   
       "Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."

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10. 59

    paradigmsearchposted 14 years ago

    Subject: Only a farm kid
    
    An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
    
    The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
    
    The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
    
    The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
    
    The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
    
    The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    
    The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
    
    The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
    
    The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
    
    "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
    
    The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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    1. 66

       Ivorwenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       That is soooo farm kid! 

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11. 61

    readytoescapeposted 14 years ago

    A 4-year-old boy and his dad are out taking a walk one day when the boy spots one dog mounted atop another, the little boy says, “Dad, dad what are they doing?”
    
    As they continue their walk the Father explains in simple terms, the birds and the bees saying, “Son they are trying to have puppies”
    
    "That's Cool" says the little boy and they continue their walk.
    
    
    Another day about a month later, the boy gets up in the middle of the night wanting a drink of water, and goes running into Mom and Dad’s room, where he finds Dad lying on top of Mom.
    
    “Hey Dad, what are you doing, can Mom breathe with you on top of her like that?”
    
    The Father answers, “Well Son your Mother and I are discussing whether or not you should have a little Sister or Brother.”
    
    The little boy scratches his head for a second or two, and then says,
    
    
    
    
    
    “Flip her over Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”

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12. 67

    Traqqerposted 14 years ago

    This is not so much a joke as it is more like a bit for a comedy routine:
    
    http://hubpages.com/hub/McDonalds-and-the-FBI

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13. 61

    wildorangeflowerposted 14 years ago

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Sarah P
    Sarah who?
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Sarah P
    Sarah P who?
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Orange.
    Orange who?
    Orange you glad I didn't say Sarah P?
    
    
    I hope you smile, I am bored, but I laugh at the others joke.

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14. 83

    donotfearposted 14 years ago

    Marty was dicussing his electric bill with Debbie.  Todd overheard the conversation.
         He then looked at his friend & said: "Marty's a duck.....they're talking about his bill."

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15. 65

    Greek Oneposted 14 years ago

    I'm sorry, but I do not think Hubpages should be used as a venue for humor

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    1. 68

       Charles Jamesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       This is a very interesting post. I respectfully disagree. Humour is part of life.   I have a number of hubs which contain humour.
       
       I do not like "humour" that is cruel or oppressive, but humour has value.
       
       Why do you think humour should not be on Hubpages?

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    2. 69

       Joy56posted 13 years agoin reply to this

       that was a joke right????????????? very funny, maybe everyone on this thread should be banned.

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16. 82

    IzzyMposted 14 years ago

    Charles, he's joking. Greek One always posts dead pan comments that usually say the exact opposite of what he is probably thinking. He's a funny guy! As in..funny ha ha.

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17. 82

    IzzyMposted 14 years ago

    Just read this joke called 'Living Will'. Hope no-one is offended.
    
    Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
     
      They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
     
    The little bastards.

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    1. 66

       Ivorwenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          

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    2. 66

       sugzposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       hahaha i am sooo glad i my kids arent here 90% of the time

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18. 61

    eli greyposted 14 years ago

    That's genius IzzyM!

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19. 68

    Ginger Meowposted 14 years ago

    What did one door say to the other door?
    
    Pull up your pants, I can see your knob!

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20. 69

    blondepoetposted 14 years ago

    Ever heard of a hotdog well this is a treedog........
    
    

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21. 69

    Joy56posted 14 years ago

    er where is the picture, have you seen my brilliant pictures blondepoet......

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22. 0

    jerrylposted 14 years ago

    Don't remember where I heard this one.
    
    The heavy weight wrestling champ came up with the idea of offering a has-been washed-up wrestler a chance at the title.
    
    He found an underdog, and booked the fight.  The champ was heavily favored because he had what he called the spider hold.
    
    After the fight started, the underdog held on for about 10 minutes, then the champ got the spider hold on him.
    
    The referee started counting the underdog out, when all of a sudden there was a hell of a scream and the underdog flew up in the air, pinned the champ and won the title.
    
    The sports announcer, during the interview after the fight, asked the underdog what happened.
    
    The underg=dog explained that after the champ got the spider hold on him, he was twisted like a pretzel.  He said, I heard the referee counting me out.  I knew I had to do something.
    
    I looked up and saw a pair of balls, and I bit them.  Man, you never know how much strength you have until you bite your own!

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23. 66

    sugzposted 14 years ago

    i had to do it, it's AFTER midnght..
    firslty.. omg izzyM the first joke was sooo funny, wonder if i can use that one next time my mate's pulled up in his work truck hehehehehe that woudl be funny.. he never does anything wrong hehe
    
    Man at a bar, enjoyin a few drinks, needs to take a Pee, he heads off to the mens room.
    When he walks in, he notices a midget following him. Thinking nothing of it he heads toward the urinal.
    The midge stands beside him then walks to the corner and drags back a step ladder.
    Climbing onto the ladder, the little fella looks the taller man up and down.
    When the taller man had finished, the midget asked him if he could see his penis.
    Feeling a bit uncomfortable, he thinks to himself, poor little bugger probably hasn't seen anything this big before and tries to ignore it and say's sure.
    The midget leans forward slightly, then looks up at the man and asks "Can I feel ya balls?"
    The man is kind of unsure about this but thinks to himself, poor little bugger probably never saw anything that big before so he said, 'sure'
    The midget grabbed hold of the mans balls. Then looked up at him and said...
    
    "Hand over your wallet or I jump!"

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24. 48

    shindle123posted 13 years ago

    Once there was a guy named "Man" and he meets Superman
    
    Man:hey superman..my name is Man..and I would like to ask how you get the name "Superman"
    
    Superman: Just Add a super infront of ur Name,and it'll be Superman
    
    Man: Oh u are smart !

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25. 59

    Jonathan Jancoposted 13 years ago

    A male dairy farmer was standing next to a female rancher as her bull and his cow mated.
    "Gee whiz, Angie", says the male dairy farmer. "I sure do appreciate you bringing over your bull to mate with my cow."
    "Sure," says Angie, "it's no problem."
    The dairy farmer looks her up and down. "I gotta admit," he begins to say with a nervous tone of voice. "I sure would like to be doin' what your bull is doin'."
    Angie smiles. "Well then, go right ahead," she says confidently.
    The male dairy farmer becomes overly excited. "Really?!" he cries.
    Angie shrugs he shoulders. "Sure, what the hell do I care?
    
    
    
    "After all, it's your cow."

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26. 69

    Joy56posted 13 years ago

    what is the difference between grandad's car,and a Jehovah's Witness....
    
    You can close the door on a Jehovah's Witness....

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27. 56

    chipukaposted 11 years ago

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28. 60

    moneyfairyposted 11 years ago

    As I am cleaning out for my move I found this one joke that I had printed out in 1996 .
    For all those men out there who say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"
    Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage,why?
    Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage!!!
    I laughed so hard. Hope you enjoy it too.

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    1. 82

       HollieTposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Like.

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       1. 60

          moneyfairyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks!

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          1. 49

             hopyplayposted 11 years agoin reply to this

             Deleted