6yr old boy and agression issues
How would you deal with a 6 yr old (1st grader) who hits and has kicked other children when he says he's annoyed or frustrated? There is a lot of background to this issue, but I'd like some advise before posting the rest of it. He was suspended from the bus for 3 days for an agression issue that involved a girl!! We've grounded, taken away TV time and all video games, put him to bed early. He cried and seemed upset, but more about losing his priveledges than relizing that behavior won't be tolerated. If this happens again, he will be spanked and lose all of his toys as well. ??
Agression issue of your 6yr old boy is may be the signals of Behavior dis-order syndrome. If the child continue this habit, better to consult with Psychologist who can cure it.
Any type of compelling or punishment will help only to worse the condition.
I have two kids they are grown now. It seems that you have done everything. But maybe talking with him might help to. Ask him would he liked to be kicked and hit. And there could be something that is going on at school causing him to lash out like this. It's always good to try and find out. And yet it might be a fase that he's going through.
Hello Bishop, Conduct disorder is a psychological disorder diagnosed in childhood that presents itself through a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate norms are violated. Don't go this alone and consult a mental health professional that specializes in children's behavior disorders. I can't see "spanking" a child that already uses "violence" to solve conflict and frustration. It may be a matter of your child feeling and recognizing empathy, you may need a professional to help your child "find his conscience." My heart goes out to you, and I wish you and your family all of the best that our mental health community has to offer.
Hi Bishop55...well, this is loaded. Is there a time frame as to when it started (trigger) or how long it has been happening? Does it happen all the time, everywhere, or just certain places, and at certain times? Who is his general target? I do understand your frustration, but just think...if he is being bullied in any way, causing his behavior, and you are punishing him, with what he may be seeing as more of the same, then something else needs to be tried. To "spank" him wouldn't solve any problems. If he is angry or scared about something, you're only going to know if you sit and discuss it with him. You'd be surprised what a face-to-face talk with lots of eye contact and an understanding voice tone can do. He is a person with feelings and he'll be more inclined to let you know if he feels safe. If this does not rectify itself in time, then it may be something medical, and that will require outside diagnosis. Start wil asking him "why" does he do the things he does...it will guide you to the next step...good luck!
Sounds alot like my 9 year old. Let me lead with saying I am NOT saying this is what your child has but you may want to seek some therapy to make sure.
My 9 year old has Aspergers. It started young with what I thought was terrible 2 type behavior. Tantrums, kicking, hitting, biting. He was kicked out of 2 daycares for his behavior. Now that he is older he can go from the sweetest child in the world to a hour long meltdown very quickly. He also gets more upset about the loss of items than the action that causes it. This is because he is unable to understand fully what emotions (mommy's mad or sad) are. He understands I am upset but doesn't fully get the idea.
Given that your son has told you he does this when he is annoyed and frustrated you should seek some therapy for him to sort through whatever is causing it. Spanking has been proven to make violent behavior worse. Also you should think how you will feel if he does get diagnosed with something and you look back on spanking him when he couldn't help his behavior. If you choose to spank your son it is none of my business, but please rule out a disorder first.
Spanking is not the answer it just may cause him to be more aggressive. It sounds like this little boy has some mental issues that he needs to see a doctor about. He for some reason is acting out and it could very well be a medical issue such as a chemical imbalance in his system. I raised an inner city child who also cried when I took things away from him but that is only normal (to include my own son as well). I used horse therapy to get my adopted son on tract where love and confidence was concerned.
The best thing you could do for this little one is to take him to a doctor for a full work-up, sit down and read happy stories with him and have discussions on how not to behave with others.
Is he a foster or adopted child or your natural child? Either way he needs lots of love and understanding. If all else fails try the horse therapy (not dog therapy as he may hurt the smaller animal) Horse therapy works wonders with children who have mental issues. Best of luck, give him a big hug from me and put as much positiveness in his life as you can!!! Never give up on him! He may just turn out to be the next Einstein. Keep me posted please.
First off, raising kids is not easy. Parents need to be principled and always loving. If this kid is the average, loved, and cared-for-kid who has not had physical ailments in life or the predisposition to mental illness, I would look at his environment again. Sounds to me as if he is taking it off on the wrong crowd.
He is only 6; the window of opportunity to shape his world remains. Are parents living together? What kind of family is it? Size, ages, environment of bringing up, and how does he relate to mother and to father (yes, separately)?
Threatening the boy is probably not what parental principle means. Punishment is negative reinforcement not motivating. So, let us hear some more, perhaps there are ways to motivate the young man..
It can be difficult if they have mental issues, either way parenting is crucial. ADHD can also add to aggressiveness. Too many rules can worsen the problem, give them space and don't interfere. Make sure the child knows when something is wrong and the behavior must be monitored and communicating with the aggressive child must be with patience.
Is his vocabulary limited? I only ask because often younger children (2ish) will act out when they are frustrated for lack of being able to communicate thier feelings or frustration.
A limited vocabulary could also clue you into the need for a mental health expert. But first talk to him.....
What's frustrating him? Ask him...... What annoy's him? Ask him...
Maybe those answers will give you a guide?
Ask him how he feels when mommy takes away XYZ....use that as a guide to more discussions of feelings.
As many others stated he himself may being bullied and unable to "share" those feelings of frustration with you, his teacher, or someone else?
My daughter who is 4 recently came home from VPK with a new "talent" of "wrestling"....she actually balls her fist up and punches which I find amazing because that is all out "fighting" in my book. For my four year old to know to ball her fist up and punch....She must have learned it somewhere.....
Time to put on your detective hat.
Start with figuring out what frustrates him and/or annoys him. Discuss feelings often... How does it make you feel when________________. Ask about his day, his friends, his teacher(s) etc.
I would shy away from punishment unless you are 100% sure there is not some underlying reason. In my opinion punishing a child who is already suffering makes them beleive there is no "safety" zone, person, place etc.often times it compounds the problem.
As parents we are our children's SAFE ZONE'S.
You can always contact a mental health professional or maybe talk to the school counselor or set up a confrence with his teacher? Ask how he behaves outside of these little "tiffs". Is he cooperative? Does he participate? Is he shy? Is he on par with classmates? A mental health counselor will also ask these type of questions....
Good luck mama.
It could be that he is so frustrated about something that it has to come out and maybe he can't talk about it. He may have difficulties in school (dyslexic or the like or something like bullying) which are not being addressed by the teachers. So far, the incidents sound as though they're connected with school.
The fact that he's upset tells me that he doesn't want to do it and doesn't know why he can't stop it or why he feels that way. He needs to talk about it, with no threat of punishment, with understanding, to try to find a way he can deal with whatever it is.
If that fails, then professional help could be sought. In my opinion, being spanked is teaching him that aggression is actually acceptable and therefore he's not likely to stop. Being upset is a big pointer to the fact that something is deeply wrong.
I wish you luck; it's not easy to deal with and you will have to persevere, maybe for a long time, but as gently as you can. You don't say if this is your child or not but either way, the treatment should be the same.
It might be helpful to have him take responsibility for his behavior and not just be punished for it. He needs help to understand the other person's feelings (empathy) and find ways to make it better (apologize). Lots of praise should be given to him for any actions made to understand the other child's feelings and take responsibility (even in little ways at first). Discuss conflict resolution strategies he can use with other children as well as ways to deal with anger. It would also be valuable to read books that educate children on the negative behavior of bullying. Finally, it is important to make sure he gets lots praised for positive behavior and does not become labeled.
I don't know I am the right person or not to answer this question but I can share my experience with you.
My son is almost 11 now and I always scold him or warn him harshly whenever he shows his arrogance and behaves impolitely. But, one thing which I never do is when he reacts to anything in aggression, I always keep myself calm. I never loose my temper at that juncture and try to handle him with utmost care. Constantly, I go on trying to calm him down and make him feel happy without discussing the factor which made him aggressive. Later, when he cools down and starts mixing happily with others then at a sudden point of time I explain him everything in details and try to make him understand his follies. It's about three or four years back when I started this type of practice and believe me his aggression of the unusual kind has gradually died down. Now, he hardly reacts that way and I think my not showing temper at the time of aggression worked wonderfully. Thus, next time before you choose to spank your son for his aggression kindly give a thought to my experience.
Hope everything will be fine. All the best!
I have looked at all the several responses that you have received and l think you have enough to explore as there are some good suggestion within some of them. what l would only add is that you know your son better than anyone else on this forum and therefore whilst its important to take note of some of the suggested avenues, do follow your mothering instincts and listen to what your son is trying to tell you. l say trying because at present, he is telling you something but you are yet to understand what he is saying.
i have a 6 year old boy too. When he is angry of frustrated, he will use his hands to beat others or warned the other party " I will beat you". We, stopped him by giving him reasons why beating others will hurt. Told him to forgive and forget, not done on purpose. Yes, we also stopped him from playing computers and toys if he misbehaves and gave him a stern warning. Spanking will not work. He hates you more and wouldn't listen to yr advice. Talking sense when he is in calmer mood could work well. Best of luck!
you have all given great advise. This is not my biological child, but I have been in his life since he was 1. My husband and I got full custody of him last February, his biological mother is a meth addict and has no visitation rights, she is allowed 3 phone calls a week. She does not pay child support, she also has 3 other children, various fathers. My stepson is mostly a very good kid. He was severely neglected when we got him. Not clean, not being fed, being left home alone. He went from a child of 4 siblings to a single child. He had to change schools and homes. Its been a very tough transition, but I think for the most part he's handled it very well. The first week we had him, he displayed all kinds of "neglected" symptoms of kids. He would wander, he would not listen, he was aggressive and emotional. That mostly stopped. It's been the last week that he's had some trouble. I do talk to him about his bio mother. I tell him all the time how much we love him, and that her bad choices are not his fault and that I'm sure she still loves him. She has seen him 2x in almost a year, for 2 hour stretches, supervised of course. We never bad mouth her in the house or anywhere that he would hear it. The bus kicking incident happened on the day he got his first pair of glasses. A girl was staring at him. He told me he asked her to stop, she wouldn't so he kicked her. I've asked him how that would make him feel and we've had long talks about how it is wrong. He has seemed remorseful but more so from losing privileges. This boy is very sensitive normally to others feelings. We did have him in therapy, and my husband and I agreed it was not worth the effort. Nothing was changing. We are not against revisiting that. I did explain for at least 5 days how wrong it is to hit, and especially girls. That we will not tolerate that. We've talked about other things he can do when he gets that upset and needs to calm down. We talked about how he would feel if something like that happened to him. His dad spanked him two times in the first month we had him because he was out of control. After the spanking that behavior stopped up until this kicking issue. I'm just worried. I do not want to punish him. He is a very loving gentle boy, he's very kind to animals and even bugs. I think something really pissed him off to make him kick that girl. I just feel panic because I know the issues he's been dealt with from his bio mom are going to be big
Dear Bishop55, I just read what you had to say about your son, I think your right. Someone or the girl pissed him off. But if he was born with any drug use it's in his blood. You might have him checked. But I think he is just boy it's going to take
Well I'm sure he always feels like the oddball and that girl staring made him feel bad. His life sucks please tell his father the boys been through enough and to find a way other than spanking. Go back to therapy. Good Luck.
He was born drug free. He was exposed to meth smoke when he was in her care the last...year or so? I'm not sure. But he is not a drug baby. Thank god for that.
There is allot of background information that you have left out, so it is difficult to answer your question.
I would like you to know that a few years back in Africa, white Rhinos were being killed. The park rangers could not figure this out. It was obvious that something large was the culprit, but they did not know what or how.
It turns out it was juvenile male elephants. Because the park had shipped off all the adult male elephants, the juvenile males began exhibiting aggression and murderous tendencies. Because of their brute power and massive size, they were able to set their tusks upon the backs of the rhinos and collapse their enormous weight down upon the rhinos...forcing their tusks deep into their backs.
The carnage stopped and order was restored as soon as park rangers imported some of the adult males back into the park.
Our society is not much different than that of the elephant. Please take this story to heart and see if anything applies.
Wishing you well. - C.J.
I see your analogy here. I'd like to think the elephant represents his father in his life fulltime, but in a way this boy lost his mother.Also, his bio mom did not do meth during her pregnancy, so at least that is ruled out.
Bishop55: I wish you all the luck and all the patience in the world. Don't forget YOUin all this; it's difficult to take on someone else's child even if s/he has no probs. Maybe an appropriate online group exists for parents like you? Worth a look.
Aggression and violence teaches aggression and violence. If I were you, I would try working with the child on better ways to display his feelings - Verbally preferably. His teachers should be willing to do this too (and frankly- should be already). When he gets upset, give him the words which he can use to express it. Do this by saying (name) is mad because..... , (name) wants ...... , (name) doesn't like........... Sometimes children have issues with expressing themselves effectively and this is the reason they become disruptive and/or violent. This is why they need an adult to give them the tools (words) to verbally express themselves. Emotion pictures may also help. These methods may take a while, but the reward for dedication and consistency will be much greater than that of punishment.
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