What causes some parents to be extremely intolerant of their children's mistakes and failures?
I think for many, it has to do with guilt of "themselves" for making the same mistakes.For others, it could be because their kids won't learn from their mistakes no matter how rock bottom they have to hit. Good parents never want to see their kids do things that will hurt themselves or their immediate families. However, being "extremely intolerant" will never fix the problems; it can actually make the problems worse.
Unfortunately I believe most people get their parenting skills from how they were raised. Generally speaking they will either raise their own kids the same way or they'll do the complete opposite and strive to become their children's "friends". Having said that there are some parents who actually read parenting books, get (professional advice), and strive to instill positive self-esteem in their children's "formative years". My mother thought a whipping solved everything! :-)
The vast majority of people have children simply because they wanted to have what amounts to "live dolls". These people become very frustrated with having to deal with all the (real) responsibilities and expenses that come with having children. With a doll (you) get to give it attention when (you) want. Children on the other hand (command) attention. Your life revolves around them!
Last but not least the younger we are the less (patience) we tend to have. Most people have their children when they are in their late teens, 20s, or very early 30s. Our egos are still in the (me) phase of our lives. It also does not help if the children are a by product of an unhappy or failed marriage/relationship.
Past experiences of of parents can allow parents to be intolerant afraid their children will make the same mistakes
I think this is one of the saddest questions I ever read. I do not want to think about it. (I taught a class in a communist country that is/was slowly opening up and becoming more capitalist. They were/are also extending more freedoms. My class was entitled "The Right to Fail" )
Children especially need parents that routinely protect them from the consequences of their actions. Sounds strange to folks who just love the concept that enabling is wrong. The parent to be real must take the punishment for their child. Of course gradually allowing more consequence to fall upon the child.
My 3 year old does wrong things --- but he is never wrong. My 20+ year old does wrong things and she is wrong. But in both cases we suffer the consequences together as best we can.
But I ask all seriously; "In a parent child relationship who is the teacher and who is the student?" "If a parent thinks they are only a teacher. They are done growing and will teach their child that it is OK to stop learning and growing"
I do get angry. Mostly that would be on me not what an angel does. I am not perfect but I do not and cannot condone those who harm children with anger. "Tolerance should never be an issue between parent and child for if we must be tolerant then we have already judged to harshly".
With all that said, I am a hypocrite. For I will not tolerate whining. Fun subject and important for people to reflect on. Thank you for bringing it up. But that danged picture makes me nauseated! ;-)
I think a lot of people see their children as extensions of themselves instead of as independent human beings and as such tend to take out their own self-loathing or insecurities on the child as a result.
You see this in other ways too - how some parents lose their overloving minds over kids sporting events or how some kids are pushed to exhaustion to overachieve and participate in everything under the sun. It's all the parent(s) living through the child in some regard.
The can't accept "weakness" or "flaws" in their children because they can't accept themselves for who they are.
When my first child was born I read a book, "How To Raise Brighter Children." It said you could raise your child's IQ by as much as 10 points simply by raising them in a non-critical environment. I think too many parents didn't have that advantage themselves.
Kathleen, great answer and totally agree with your premise. If a child is criticized, h/she feels like a nonperson and eventually develops low self-confidence. Dr. Wayne Dyer advises parents to NEVER criticize your child when correcting him/her.
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