Is having a baby a selfish act?

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   dejajolieposted 15 years ago

   Being a single woman with no kids I often think about having a baby one day. I guess since turning 30 my "clock" is definitely ticking but at the same time I am in no rush to get married. (Just ended a relationship bcuz he wanted to get married and I didn't) However I always told myself marriage would come first then baby, but since I want to have a baby before 35 if I am not married before then would having a baby single at 33 be a selfish act?

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      ediggityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, it would be.  Adopt a baby if you think you can give it a loving home by yourself.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I am not sure how adopting a child would be different, it would still be raised in a single parent home (not indefinitely I'm sure) not to mention it would be harder to adopt a child being a single parent.

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            ediggityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            It would be different because there is already a child out there in need of a home being raised in an orphanage who has numerous odds stacked against them.  If you, a person who wants to love and have a baby adopts them, then you have performed an unselfish act for the child, while fulfilling your own selfish desire.  It's still selfish, but at least you are helping out an orphan.  Bringing a brand new life into this world, where the child has no choice, just because you want a baby is selfish.

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      Richieb799posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Its selfish to have a baby when your single because it would have no father figure, did you have a dad growing up? Imagine how it feels, i know it would hurt me if I had grown up with out a dad, I only see the one Ive got twice a week, and its been like that all my life.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         No my dad was not steady in my life, both he and my mom were substabce abusers and me and my three siblings were raised by our Grandmother. My dad cleaned up when I was 12-13 re-married and since then have established a relationship and we are very close. The baby wouldn't neccessarily NOT have a father figure, just not a father in the home.... is it still selfish?

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            Richieb799posted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Yeah, I still think it kinda is, because if I had the choice I wish my dad was there all the time when I needed advice. I think adopting a child is different because they have no choice, whereas by having a child yourself and being single, your a making that choice for them not to have a father present for them.

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               Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Depends on who the father is.

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         nasus loopsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I don't think having a child as a single parent is necessarily selfish.  Although you should no the father of the child if you plan to have it naturally yourself as there could be hereditary medical conditions that you might need to know about. Adopting a child would give you all of these benefits. As for a child growing up without a Dad, it is ok if you have never known any different.  I had a Dad for the first 12 years of my life then he was taken away by cancer, but it made no difference to my upbringing.  I was given lots of love and affection when and where it was needed. It is worse if that person is still alive but doesn't want to see you!

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         lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Richie, I just gotta disagree with you here. I think it's perfectly fine for single people to have children. Most families wind up in divorce anyway, and quite often it totally screws them up and one of the parents is barely involved anyway.

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      RKHenryposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I'm not sure how one can make such a correlation.  Have the child.

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      prettydarkhorseposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      hi dejajolie, I think that having a family for a baby is advantageous to that baby, it is not that somebody will help you to take care of the baby but then growing up normally for your baby and having a family will have a nice environment for her, Your situation is very difficult but then it is my opinion that bringing a baby into this world when you have a chance to have a family is a bit selfish,

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      cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      you're really going to let strangers' opinions dictate your life choices?
      
      do what you think is best after much soul-searching and thought.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Of course not, Geez people isn't this "forums" about discussing different topics. This is a hypothetical it hasn't happened and may not, just something that I have been thinking about and thought 'what would un-biased people (don't know me personally) have to say about this' because obviously if I asked those close to me they may say what I want them to hear and not neccessarily what they feel.

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            cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            um
            
            you said:
            
            
            
            
            
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            only now do you say it was a "hypothetical" question:
            
            
            
            
            opinions are opinions, and i didn't give mine. and i don't think you would want me to. even if i did, who cares? do what feels right for you. what's the problem anyway? just because someone doesn't say what you want to hear doesn't make them "closed-minded". don't ask if you don't want everyone's answers.
            
            GEEZ

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      Mishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      To me it looks like your time came. Nature reminds you about your major life assignment.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         nicely put!

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         Sue Adamsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Yes, follow your instinct, but also your brain.There are millions of wanna-be fathers out there (my son wanted kids ten years before he finally found the right woman) it's just a question of finding a mate you like, remembering that the charming prince only exists in fairy tales. Perhaps you could have more realistic expectations of a potential partner.  Another idea: If you restricted your sexual activity to mating only with guys who want to be a father, then you could end up with a lovely family with a few kids, the more the merrier.
         Being a single mum with no family support is torture both for the mother and the child. A child is not a cuddly toy that comforts you, it's a future adult formed to a great extend by its home environment.

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            Marisa Wrightposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            That's so true. I meet a lot of women who want a baby - but having a child isn't about having a baby.  It's about having a human being, and you'll be stuck with it till it's an adult. Are you sure you want a toddler and a teenager as well?

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      Cagsilposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Dejajolie,
      
      I'm glad to see you have the yearning of being a 'mom' and I agree with some of the statements made here, but also having read through all the other statements as well, I have only come to say what I've come to understand about life, so as to give you an objective truth about your individual thought.
      
      Having a child at the age 33, add 21 years to the life of your child, should you have one now. This will put your age at 54. This realisitcally the longest you could have waited, therefore you are pushing the boundaries already established by society, for having children later in life. You have put yourself in to this predicament and only you can find your way out.
      
      To have a child at your age, with factoring in no "true" father figure to be available, could be detrimental to the child's learning curve. There are some things that a child can get from a father figure, that the mother cannot convey properly. I would not suggest as others have- adopt a child. This negates the BOND of a mother child, which is created by the physical labor required to carry and give birth to the child. Adoption is a great idea, but is also heavily abused by malicious people who are only looking out for themselves, so as to better their own life, at the expense of others. When dealing with children from adoption, like I said above, it negates the direct bond a mother has with the child and forces you to bond to someone who you have to learn to love, and not love automatically. This one mental aspect is purely the difference between having a child and adopting one.
      
      I realize my post is somewhat long, but this situation warrants it to be, because too many things are encompassed in what you ask. Is your action selfish? No! You are not being selfish. But, your reasoning behind the thought might be selfish in and of itself, but the action or to follow thru with, would be selfless. Is it morally right or wrong? This can be determined by a couple of ways- (1) what is your conscience telling you? If you are not feeling any guilt about the thought of having a child, then your conscience is telling you it is moral right. If you find yourself feeling any sort of guilt, associated with the thought, then I would agree with your conscience, when it says you are morally wrong. (2) My moral obligations to society as a whole, forces me to let you know my absolute morals, for which, I live my life by and is seriously in the best interest of you, as well, as all of the rest of humanity. These morals are simple, but hard to live by, because you are in fact only human. (a) Any chosen action that benefits the human organism or society is moral right and good. (b) Any chosen action that harms the human organism or society is moral wrong or bad. Your emotions are amoral, being neither right or wrong.
      
      So, knowing that- you can deduce that the decision you make, must come from the understanding of morality. Bringing a Human life into existence is a BENEFIT to society, simply because you are creating a human to exist. In essence- You are playing God!
      
      You can bring a child into existence and it is not morally wrong. I know what it is like to grow up without a father figure and it's honestly the worst thing that can happen to a child, because the stabilization of a family life is key to our future happiness. So, I guess I've come to the end.
      
      I hope I helped.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Yes Cag.... as I've stated for me it's a catch 22 (running against the clock and waiting for a husband)). I also know of a few people who were raised by BOTH parents and that proved to be detrimental, so I am not sure that JUST having a father there is ALWAYS the best. (the father can be abusive, emotionally unavailable, etc. which is worst than not having one at all, no?) This is all hypothetical as I stated and may never happen but when/if the time comes I know I will make the decision that is best for me and child.

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            Cagsilposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Then, I'll leave you with that.

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               dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Cags your point was well stated and taken as your comments usually are, Thanks again!

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      blackjavaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Absolutely not. Just because you are single is no reason for anyone to believe you wouldn't be a great mother. Sperm banks are there for someone like you.
      
      The idea that the only way to raise a child is with a partner is ludicrous. Many a child from broken homes and single parenting has grown into a wonderful human being.
      
      With the North American divorce rate running at about 70% I see no reason to have a partner if you don't want to. If you have family and friends around you will have all the support you need. I say go for it.

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      TMMasonposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Not if you included the father in his/her life. And you both loved that child. I don't see as such.

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       tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       If you want to have a baby only for your own satisfaction , then, it's a selfish act.
       That doesn't mean it's wrong.
       You have a conscience. Use it.

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          TMMasonposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Damn Tantrum. I agree fully. Well said.

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       MikeNVposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Not to the Baby it's not.
       
       
       

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       tequilarosemama4posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       hello, i myself am a single mother, i have four beautiful children out of wedlock, i though i had found mr wright and he turned out to be mr wrong. i dont regret my children just the fact i wasn't married when i had them. but i love them no the less. no in today's society more and more women are having babies out of wedlock and at different ages. i see babies as god's precious gifts to woman who are deserving. and also if you hearts in this then i say why not? go for it. dosen't sound selfish to me to want to have a babie at your age. just make sure you can provide a good and loving home for the baby. best of luck and i hope you have a blessed day hope i could be of help to you

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       Marisa Wrightposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Some would say having a baby is a selfish act for anyone, given the over-population of the world and the number of orphans already in need of a mother. 
       
       Leaving that aside, if you have the financial capacity to raise a baby on your own, I don't think it's selfish. Just be sure you've worked out what it will cost and how you will manage before you take the plunge.  Don't assume that once you've got the baby, you'll look for a man to support you - it's much harder to find a partner once you have a kid in tow.

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       sneakorocksolidposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Go find yourself a good guy and have a family together for the kids sake. Remember cool doesnt always equate to good and good guys tend to be a little shy because they are affraid they'll mess-up! Happy Hunting! Now get going!

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       akirchnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I think the only time having a baby is selfish is when you can't afford to give them time and love or if you flat out can't really afford them - hoping to better the situation down the road is a frightening thing to bring a child into although it does happen.  To me the worst possible situation to bring a child into is in a situation where someone has umpteen children and already can't afford them or their future - but then again, any child has to be a gift and I do believe they 'happen' for a reason.  You just have to go with your gut in the situation too and decide if it is something you can commit your entire life to because having a baby is or should be forever.

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       vox vocisposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Don't be too picky, nothing is ideal in life. It's strange you broke up because you didn't want to get married and you want to have kids...it's contradictory...it's seems you're afraid of marriage which makes it clear you're not ready for parenting...have faith in marriage and children will come as a blessing!

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   kirstenblogposted 15 years ago

   That is one perspective.
   Another perspective would be that its a generous act, assuming you want a baby to give your love and support to.

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      Chloe Comfortposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree - well said

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   TMinutposted 15 years ago

   It would be selfish if the dad wants to be with the child and you refuse. It would be selfish if the child wants the dad and you refuse.
   The argument that having a baby is selfish in general is odd, why else do people choose to have babies other than that they want them?
   Also, don't most kids in America at least, end up with only one parent? In some other countries, they end up with none.

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   Will Apseposted 15 years ago

   Nothing you imagine about life beforehand ever turns about to be true. Have a kid and sees how it goes. Just do not imagine that a child has any responsibility to make your life better.

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      dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, my life is Great as is I would never do it to "fix a problem or fill a void". I just know biologically speaking as a woman time is an issue and I know I want to have kids and am financially capable, etc. to support one on my own, sans having a "dad" in the home is that selfish for me to do to the child is the question.

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         sunflower1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         What is it your really want? The love of your life to be bonded to you eternally through child or a child to love for the rest of your life? The first choice would solve the clicking clock issue and the second choice would open up adoption.

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   Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

   Do what you think is right.
   
   Many people are not fit to be parents in any case.  If you think you are fit it really doesn't matter if you are single or otherwise.

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   TMinutposted 15 years ago

   If you're not willing to do the sharing and compromising with a husband, do you really want to with a child? You can't just break up with your baby when he/she gets on your nerves or demands too much.

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      dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      This is common sense, and no way can you compare a relationship between husband and wife to that of mother and child.

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         TMinutposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         No, they're not the same relationship but there are definitely comparable issues. Now that you've clarified your situation, I see that's not the problem though.
         I've seen so many children without their dads, some without their moms, it's really hard for them. There's no way to tell ahead of time but it's not like they'll feel different from their friends. I don't know about girls, but the boys always seem to be searching for a father much of their lives when they don't have their own.
         I personally much prefer being alone with my kids but I don't know that that was best for them.

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   prettydarkhorseposted 15 years ago

   having a normal family, a father, mother and the baby is the ideal, but if you did have a chance to give that secured environment for the baby, why not do it, a parent can always sacrifice a bit for her baby, you become selfless when you are a mother
   
   there is a need to have a father for the baby too

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   dejajolieposted 15 years ago

   Ok I think a few are getting confused by my question. So let me spell it out in black and white.
   I am single (not-married) Quantity is not my problem but Quality and Timing. The 'love that got away' and the man I would marry today if he asked is off traveling cross country and doing what he's passionate about. Eight years ago when we broke up I couldn't understand why, now I do and I commend him for literally selling all of his possessions and traveling the world.
   With that being said I have dated since then and just ended a 3-yr relationship bcuz I knew I did not want to marry Him. I am 30 and would love to have a family of my own one day, me any 'love of my life' stay in contact via email, and he comes home to visit yearly when we had dinner last time he was here, we jokingly said that if at 33-34 I am not married, he would father my child.  I didn't take it seriously then bcuz I was in a relationship but now I can say there is no one else I would choose to father a child but him. So with this being said, Is it selfish for me to have a child because my clock is ticking wihtout a "dad"?

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      Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      It is your choice.  It is all relative.  Go for it if it makes you happy.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Thank You

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            Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Pleasure

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      Vicki99posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds a bit selfish to me. It is hard enough raising a child in an intact home with two parents. A child whose father travels the world instead of being with his child would really bring issues later.

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      nasus loopsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Personally, No I don't think it is selfish.  If you feel that you can have a child on your own, love and care for it without the extra support of a father on scene that it is fine.  All said and done the child is not going to no any different.  All I would say is that remember you can't take them back for a refund and they don't come with a manual (unfortunately).

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      Sue Adamsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Well, in this case keep him to his promise. He'll soon calm down and come back home to live with his family.

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   dyonderposted 15 years ago

   Having grown up without a father I made a subconscious decision at a fairly young age that I wanted children. What I didn't admit until I was thiry was that I just wanted children (not wives). Both mothers of my sons are quite unsuitable to mother and neither of them have anything to do with either of their sons. That was very selfish of me as each of them (my sons) carry their own crosses because of my, albeit subconscious, decisions. But that is life - it really hasn't ever been any different since man first crawled out of a cave.
   Go with your heart, everything else will fall into place. Be strong & willing to sacrifice everything for the well being of your descendents. If that is what you choose.

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      dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for sharing. Well said, I guess I want to avoid, if at all possible any unneccessary "issues" for the child and would hate for them to blame me for not having their "dad" in the home. Goodness knows I've had my own grudges against my parents growing up.

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    Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

    My ex wife had two parents that stayed together.  They stayed together through the alcoholism, the beatings, the sexual abuse, the gambling.   It is all relative.  More marriages break up than survive.  Make your own choice.

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    Wayne Orvisburgposted 15 years ago

    Do you really need someone on here's opinion? You just need to think about it and make sure it's for the right reasons etc..

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       dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Obviously I will make up my own mind, it's more of a hypothetical since it hasn't and may not happen anyway. If you didn't want to respond, you didn't have to just don't feel why you had the need to question my asking....

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    dejajolieposted 15 years ago

    Closed minds rarely do come with closed mouths I see..... Gee!
    
    
    Just for the record, if someone says Jump doesn't mean I will, but I may still ask why?

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       Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Don't lose faith dejajolie.  We are not all closed minded.

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    dejajolieposted 15 years ago

    @ Bovine, no I see that but it's the ones with the closed minds that are usually the loudest.
    
    
    
    off topic> If that pic is you, Nice, would luv to see the body art, any more?

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       Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I have one on my neck just under the collar

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          dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Nice!

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    Smooth as Silkposted 15 years ago

    It looks like there is nothing more for me to say here.

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    Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

    I 100% agree with you about the closed minds

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       dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I think we tend to agree on a lot of other things as well

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    ralwusposted 15 years ago

    Ahh, I remember when I was a great baby maker. Now I only borrow them to cuddle. My grandkids.

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       dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       lol

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    huh?

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    LaViejaposted 15 years ago

    Well, I don't think you have to be married, but I do think having a partner around helps when you have the baby. It makes your life so much easier if you have someone around to share the practicalities. Having said that I have a friend who was single when she had her baby, but with the support of family and friends she was fine. The baby definately hasnt missed out on anything and she is now a lovely seven year old girl who is a credit to her mother. So who is anyone to judge? I think you should just do what feels right for you. Good Luck!

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    AllMomNeeds2knowposted 15 years ago

    I don't think it's selfish.  Half of marriages end in divorce anyway and many other married couples are fighting.  If you can provide everything a child needs and even a father figure as in uncles, grandfathers etc. why not.

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    ddsurfscaposted 15 years ago

    Selfish isn't exactly it, but I was a single mom to three boys, and I thought I handled it just fine.  The boys hated their father because he chose illegal acts to "provide" for them.  He spent 4 out of the first 12 years of their lives out of jail.  All three of them, now full grown men with college degrees, now do not want kids of their own, and the reason is, by all 3, that "I don't want to struggle as hard as you did mom".  This made me feel bad.
       So, My question to you is this, are you prepared to care for this little human all by yourself?  This means no sleep night after night, and going to work anyway.  It means being able to deal with a baby that wont quit crying for no reason alone....that sort of thing.  I would say go for it if you have any kind of support in place for help if you might need it.
       I would suggest to seriously think about ALL the details ... then procede

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    prettydarkhorseposted 15 years ago

    dejajolie, you need to think of the baby too, he needs an available and loving father, and a father image if he is a boy, a family too,
    
    raising children is a hard job yet fulfilling, we need to scarifice a bit on what happiness means to us,

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    Citrus000posted 15 years ago

    I think that stealing a baby is pretty selfish... but having one is all good my friend!
    

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    Sue Adamsposted 15 years ago

    Tell me about it. Still paying me kids' electric bills when they're in their 30's with children of their own. But it's bad times now wht with no jobs & stuff.

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    w_elizabethposted 15 years ago

    Babies are god's gift and therefore it should not be related to any negative human acts (selfishness).

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       Cagsilposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I find your actions selfish?

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    BeccaHubbardWoodsposted 15 years ago

    judging by personal experience, i know a chick who was asking herself the same question as you. found herself in the same situation. she went out, got pregnant, and now regrets it. she lost all her freedom, can't sleep, and now she's a nervous wreck. newborns are very, very hard to care for. i couldn't imagine doing it by myself. that doesn't go away, either. it's not like they're going to grow up and start being easy. it gets tougher. i have two children, wouldn't change it for the world, but there is no way i could have done it by myself.
    
    on the other hand, you know you better than anyone on here. so you are the only one who knows what you are capable of doing and whether or not you're being selfish.
    
    good luck to you. hope you figure things out.

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    Alastair4posted 12 years ago

    If you're asking that question, then no you're not..

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