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jump to last post 1-24 of 24 discussions (24 posts)

Is it ok to plan having a child/children with a man you don't have a plan on mar

  1. alexandriaruthk profile image74
    alexandriaruthkposted 6 years ago

    Is it ok to plan having a child/children with a man you don't have a plan on marrying?

    If you are planning to have children/child with a person it is automatic that you want to marry them?

  2. LanaLu profile image58
    LanaLuposted 6 years ago

    That's a personal preference for everyone and a choice to make. Not everyone believes getting married but if the two people love and care about one another and feel they are ready to bring a child into the world they should. Personally I am very open to having options. However, it is very important to remember that children need attention and require allot of work. At the end of the day the final decision is up to the couple....

  3. Butterfly67 profile image89
    Butterfly67posted 6 years ago

    Well I have been trying to have a baby with my ex for the past year. As my time is running out we are trying together as we both want to be parents and although we are not together we get on really well and I know he will make a great father so if we do succeed the child will have 2 loving parents and I think that is what counts most.

  4. Marsei profile image92
    Marseiposted 6 years ago

    I don't think I could ever answer this for another person.  My advice would be to think of every possible ramification for the child that could result because of having a child with someone you're not married to, both positive and negative, then decide.   If you have no children, it might be wise to get a realistic idea how much work they are at the beginning.  I can remember being seriously sleep deprived.  As long as you know what you're in for; that's the trick.

  5. Handicapped Chef profile image79
    Handicapped Chefposted 6 years ago

    I will say to each his own .....I have a child that was planned some what in the same manner it went well for awhile until the mother fell in love and got married but the husband did not really like our friendship and it made it bad on my child, making it very uneasy on my child, Then the husband decides he want to leave the city .....the end result being very hard but in the end my cilds mother sent our child to be with me. But I would not trade it for the world because that was what I wanted but I would think on it very hard before doing it again because of the unknown aspects.

  6. profile image0
    Starmom41posted 6 years ago

    Well, I'm probably going to get slammed from every which direction from saying this, but in my opinion it doesn't matter whether the person is male or female, if he/she wants to have a child with someone they have no intention of marrying, the person is a) selfish, b) immature, and c) is more concerned about 'personal choice' than the child they're bringing into the world. 

    Re: the second question--  if you truly love & respect the person- yes it'd be "automatic."

  7. MrMaranatha profile image80
    MrMaranathaposted 6 years ago

    I just feel sorry for the poor kid that is the result of what you are talking about... To go through life knowing that your birth epitomized the word "B...st....rd" would be too much for many to take...
    To do this thing is for you to Curse that Child with issues for life.
    You asked.
    Answer: "NO its NOT OK"

  8. MsLofton profile image70
    MsLoftonposted 6 years ago

    I cannot say truly whether it is ok but from my personal preference I would say no because from the start the couple has no plans of getting marrying so right now all the couple has is words, there are no actions. Being a single mom, I know that having children changes things. If a couple who does not plan on being married decides to have a child or children they really have to think about everything because what is important here, is the child/children! The children deserve to parents that are going to love them and take care of them and not walk out on them. Then think about the two people decide to have the child and then one of then in the future gets married, that may change things too. It is a lot to think about, I would say if the couple prays, that they should pray. That is a huge a decision that could go a lot of ways. I am for one not going to have another child unless I am married but that is my personal preference.

  9. daFuj profile image61
    daFujposted 6 years ago

    A child is a lifetime commitment.  Being very careful is just using your head.  My children are in their 40s and I still worry about them and their kids.  It is not something to be done on the sperm of the moment.  It takes lots of thought and commitment for a lifetime.

  10. Bajangyrl2001 profile image72
    Bajangyrl2001posted 6 years ago

    I would say that the most important thing is not if you and the person plan on getting married, but whether or not the person will play an active role in their child's life.

  11. christin53 profile image79
    christin53posted 6 years ago

    I think a child deserves to start life with two parents. The parents should at the time be committed to staying together but they don't have to be married. Many people get married years later after having a child some don't marry at all but stay together as if they were.

  12. CyberShelley profile image76
    CyberShelleyposted 6 years ago

    I think it would depend on the maturity of the person concerned and their ability to support, educate and look after the child should the prospective father renege on his promises,  marry someone else, fall ill and not be able to work etc etc.  (Yes, I am aware that this can happen in a marriage, but here one is choosing to be a single parent).

    What are the expectations of this prospective father, what are his wants and needs, and how closely do they match those of the prospective mother? 

    Is it necessary to draw up a legal document to cover certain areas of responsibility?

    What about extended family will they be there to give support should the lone parent need help, work late, be sick or have to travel for business?  All questions to be thought about, asked and answered before another human being is brought in to the world. 

    Children are hard work if there are two parents, each child is a long term commitment with their own set of needs, ideas and plans, which don't necessarily agree with those of their parents!

    What will the child be told - is it ok not to have married parents ?  Divorced parents unfortunately are one of the norms of a child's life today, but parents who decided not to marry? 

    As I work at a school, and counsel children - I am aware of how much they want to fit in and be normal, 'like everyone else',  The sensitivity of the child will obviously affect the degree of concern the child will show, and how it is expressed.

    As much as I would love to help, this question can only be answered by the two people concerned.

  13. jengeurian profile image60
    jengeurianposted 6 years ago

    This is another situation where I believe that it is up to each individual to make their own decisions.  I would, however, wonder why one would choose a single parent lifestyle rather than trying to put themselves in a situation where they could both have a child and a relationship with someone there to help with that child.  I see no problem with the idea of planning a child with someone that you have a good and lasting friendship with, but also see a number of benefits to having a partner in raising a child.

  14. graceomalley profile image84
    graceomalleyposted 6 years ago

    My mother got pregnant with me, planning to leave my father (they were married) once she had the baby. She did not want my father in our lives at all. This meant i grew up without a father. My opinion - it was grossly unfair. Every child should have two parents if at all possible. My own children have benefitted so much from two parents, and also two parents who love each other. The relationship they see between mom and dad becomes their own template - this is an automatic thing.

    In my opinion, if the person doesn't make a good spouse, why would he make a good parent? If you aren't going to marry because you think marriage is bourgeois in general, that would be another thing. But if a woman thinks, I'll get a baby with this one, he's available, but for my own prince charming i can do better - well, I think that is not fair to the child.

    The mother's first responsibility to the child is to pick out a good father.

  15. hair bender profile image66
    hair benderposted 6 years ago

    No, it is not okay to have a child without the commitment of marriage.  Marriage is to be a lifelong experience and you should be VERY sure before marrying someone.  And then bring another life in.  The child is not asking to be born but you are making the decision for this new life that you are creating.  A child needs two parents-one female to learn from and a male to learn from.  2 females or 2 males cannot balance the child

  16. profile image0
    Sooner28posted 6 years ago

    It should be automatic.  You shouldn't have children with someone (purposefully) that you don't want to marry, no matter what your sexual orientation.  It's just irresponsible.

  17. dbroomfi profile image81
    dbroomfiposted 6 years ago

    In my opinion, based on what is morally right and what is best for the child, it is not ok to plan on having children with a man you do not plan to marry. Children need parents that will be one on decisions, teaching, training, etc. It feels much more meaningful when a child has a mother and a father that care about each other and our serious enough to commit to one another, by marrying.

  18. kittythedreamer profile image98
    kittythedreamerposted 6 years ago

    I don't see anything wrong with it. Are you planning on staying with him and maybe marrying him later on? It really does depend on the situation and the person who will be the parent. I think it's wrong for everyone to make a judgment call and say "no that kid should have 2 parents". Well, I didn't have 2 parents...I barely had one and I turned out just fine!

  19. meow48 profile image74
    meow48posted 6 years ago

    wow, that is a loaded question.  Marriage does not guarantee that the man will stay with you.  I speak from experience here and raised my three as a divorced parent.  um, in the ideal world, you and your husband would raise your children together with hope, fear and trembling and a lot of love.  to do this by oneself, be it as a widow or a divorcee, is TOUGH, HARD, AND TIRING.  If you are looking for just a sperm donor, please understand that you are on your own.  If you are hoping to have help from that person without any commitment, then you are looking at being a baby mama, and again, it is a precarious relationship.  I just don't recommend it.  My ex wanted to have nothing to do with his children and now that they are grown, he wants to know them and they are just not interested... it is sad.  so please know your self well, and if you really think your are strong enough, then go for it.  Otherwise, just borrow your friend's children and return them when you are done.

  20. networmed profile image61
    networmedposted 6 years ago

    I think girls have the right to answer this, but since(I think) you're a guy(based on your username), I'll share my opinion.


    I think it depends on how the person looks at it. I know a lot of women who aren't planning of getting married but want a child. If I am taking advantage, I might have several children now, from different women. But, I did not as I think it's not fair and I want to stay and have children with someone that I want to be with for the rest of my life.

    But, this might be a culture on some countries, that when a woman get pregnant by someone, it automatically assumed that the one man responsible for it will be the one she will be marrying. This is particularly true on some Asian countries, but it's not the case of the western world, I think.

    Others, might be answering NO due to religious reasons. This really a broad topic and different people have different beliefs and perspective on it.

    And, sometimes... women commit mistakes(of course men, too). There are times when a woman fall in love with someone, the relationship may go smooth at first. The woman gets pregnant(doesn't matter married or not), but at some point in time, the man's real attitude reveals, bad habits came up and instead of a happy couple it turns into a misery.

    If that's the case, I am the woman... I better leave him, take my child and nurture it in a decent manner.

  21. Becky Katz profile image85
    Becky Katzposted 6 years ago

    I definitely believe that it takes two parents and a village to raise a child. A child needs both parents in order to get the full benefits in life. Both have things to teach. My grandmother raised her two alone and it was very hard. They had her prother as a father figure. It is hard to learn to deal with a male if you have never had a father to learn from. Likewise, it is hard to learn about how to deal with females, if you have never had a mother to teach you.
    You also have to consider what would happen to the child if the custodial parent died in some way. Who is going to care for that child and make sure that they have a loving, supportive family? Many say 'Oh ,my mom will take them'. Did you ask mom? She might just be looking forward to having life a little easier without having to work during her retirement. Maybe their health is not good. There are so many things to think about.

  22. cat on a soapbox profile image96
    cat on a soapboxposted 6 years ago

    No, I don't think it's okay. There are many excellent single parents, but it is a proven fact that a child benefits best from having a relationship with a mother and father, or, at least, a good male or female role model. On the surface it may not seem like a big deal; however having parental solidarity through tough times, avoiding awkwardness in social situations, and dealing with the legal ramifications of naming a guardian and making provisions in a will all come into play. A child needs security from a solid bond under the law. Legal documents are the basis for all final decisions.

  23. royalblkrose profile image59
    royalblkroseposted 6 years ago

    NO. Children do best when they can interact with BOTH parents...  some men want to actually help raise the child/children, which is good for you- furthermore, children are  a lifelong COMMITMENT- not a cute accessory, you want to love on something short term- get a dog.

  24. Lot Rillera profile image57
    Lot Rilleraposted 6 years ago

    For me its a big NO. Why I am going to have a child/children to the man I don't love. I want to build my own family with the Love arounds it.

 
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