Does spanking children make them go out of hand?

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   crystaleyesposted 11 years ago

   If your child does something wrong like hit you because you have not given in to his tantrum, what would you do? I have sometimes given a smack on his back for misbehavior.. is it fine or am i being a bad parent?

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      tussinposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      At a certain point, a human being must come to understand that if he hits someone, he will get hit back. A lesson better learnt at home.

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         Rad Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Actually what the child learns is to hit back and when your angry you hit. If you don't want him to hit don't hit him. I had a child like that. I just held him down so he couldn't hit until he gave in. He hated it and it worked, he never hit again.

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      a49eracctposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      No you are not being a bad parent! However, you don't want to hit back if he hits you. General misbehavior (such as not listening after you tell him something more than a few times, throwing toys at things/people, etc) a spank on the butt is totally fine. If he is hitting, it would be better to give him a time out. Where and how long is up to you.

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      Brenda Durhamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      You're the authority.   Yes, if a child hits a parent, I think the child should be spanked.  Never did seem to hurt anyone that I knew of as a kid, and it did teach kids who's in authority.   They have to learn that.   If a parent has a problem controlling their temper, though, it might be better to use another form of punishment like "time-out", whatever, because a spanking is meant to be a lesson, not a beating.

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         Rad Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         The lesson from spanking is that you control people by hitting. Use your brain and find another way.

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      a49eracctposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I just remembered I wrote a hub on this a while ago. Feel free to check it out. http://a49eracct.hubpages.com/hub/Life-Sense-Part-4

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      A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Sure, smack your kid for misbehaving, but don't be surprised if they hit you or anyone else, after all, you are teaching them to hit people for misbehaving.

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         jacharlessposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         I am going to agree with you. Violence promotes violence. Anger promotes anger.  The best discipline for a child is visibly seeing, hearing and doing what their parents -or other adults say or do / do not say or do.
         
         Hitting a child when they hit you is being childish as well. More than likely, this is where they got the hit idea -from parents, other kids who's parents hit else the bloody brain-box {television programs, video games, etc}.
         
         If you hit your child, immediately their brain registers violence for action or reaction. They will continue to hit, and increase that violence, else suppress it for fear.
         
         My four-year old went through a hitting stage, a spitting stage, a everything is 'stupid' or 'poopie' stage, which he only did because of excessive energy and the lack of ability to express what he was feeling or learning, completely. Took several days, but he realized my reaction was not going to be the same as his. My reaction was always the same. Calmly, I would explain to him, hitting is wrong or that he could hurt someone -or himself, etc. {9 times for10 he would hurt himself hitting my leg or shoulder}. All of a sudden he found another outlet for his feelings -his voice. lol. But, the cool thing, every time he hit, and I reacted calmly -not a 'squeaky' or frustrated 'don't do that' roar! -he would wait, then apologize. He tested the emotion, my patience, the reaction. In a week he stopped hitting completely.
         
         No violence. No fear implanted. No threat of hitting back or punishment, spanking. He simply needed to understand that this method of emotion was not a valuable one and we found another outlet for that emotion, together. The 'poopie' thing is still hanging around, but it is nearly gone too. Even his school mates or local friends {and their parents} are surprised by his reaction when they hit, say something derogatory {foul language} or call each other names. He told one boy, that calling people stupid was silly. Odd of it, when they are around him, now, they do not swear, scream at each other or call each other names. I cracked up laughing because he is nearly 4 and they are tweens/teens.
         
         It is often easy to forget in the heat of the moment children receive 80% of their habits, actions, reactions from parents. The other 20% comes from friends who get it from their parents, their educators or brain box.
         
         James.

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Let your hand land on his butt where it cannot hurt him physically. You might need to express yourself and sometimes you can't help it. But realize, that a tantrum could be caused by an unmet need. Try to determine the need. Is he being realistic or just a brat. Usually, what a child wants is due to the expectation of receiving what he wants, (what he really really wants,) based on what YOU usually give in to. If you can't give him what he wants, explain with authority, that you cannot give it to him, "This Time."
      To avoid this tussle in the future, establish the reality of NEVER giving in to a child's request AT THE TIME. You can say, "not now," or "I'll think about it," or even, "Maybe."  Then wait for about five minutes. If you see that it's O.K. to grant him his wish, then go ahead.  If you don't want to allow the request, say "No." but, be sure to stand behind your decision. No must mean No. This takes discipline on your part. NEVER give in and say, "Yes," after you have said, "No!"  Maintain your air and position of authority.  This position of authority helps to curb tantrums in a proactive way. European parents instinctively do this, but not American parents. We are just too nice... beyond common sense!

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         A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         And yet, it does hurt them physically. Duh.
         
         
         
         Well beyond common sense, evidently.

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            Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            I was mainly focusing on the fact that setting boundaries is very vital. I am not advocating violence of, course! I do not approve of punishments at all. They are commonly used after the the misbehavior has occurred. Punishments are not necessary when the parent has a good relationship with the child and understands the needs of the child and consistently sets boundaries.  Some parents are lax and then become too strict in desperation.   
            I am not talking about violence at all !   And to make it more clear, I was just talking about a quick little tap on the butt!.  Yikes what have I done!
            And yes, I agree that violence and corporal punishment should never be used as a disciplinary technique. Again, it is It is better to be proactive by being consistent in setting boundaries with patience and explanations of what is expected.
            The mother who began this forum was worried that she overstepped principles of good parenting.  I was just telling her a light little spank is OK if it is controlled and purposeful. Who in their right mind would advocate corporal punishment and violence? No, not me.
            Sorry, if it seemed otherwise!  Again.... Yikes!
            Thanks  for letting me correct and clarify what I wrote.
            
            (Also, I see too many parents indulging their kids by constantly conferring with them: "Is it OK if we... " "What do you want for dinner?",  "Should we go to ...?"   And when the child cries, they are given what they want. This builds unrealistic expectations for the child. It is common sense to understand this. Many parents do not. We must become conscious of the importance of staying in a position of authority for the sake of the child.
            
            ( I was one of those parents who was way too indulgent with my first child. Dr. Spock, the popular baby doctor of the time advised in his books to never say "no" to the child. Otherwise, he claimed, he will learn to say "no" back!  So, I never said "no" based on that terrible advice.  I had to learn the hard way.
            Just tryin' to  be helpful.)

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               A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

               But, you do advocate violence is you advocate hitting a child in order to set those boundaries or discipline them for violating those boundaries.
               
               
               
               You have advocated violence as punishment.
               
               
               
               But, that is NOT what you're saying.
               
               
               
               Yes, you advised her to resort to violence.
               
               
               
               But, you did advocate them.
               
               
               
               You have only clarified your original position of advocating violence as punishment.
               
               
               
               Of course, "conferring with them" is how one builds a relationship.
               
               
               
               That does not build a healthy relationship with a child at all, quite the opposite, in fact. And, if the parent is successful with building that relationship, the child will not cry when it doesn't get what it wants.

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                  Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                  Ain't freedom of speech just grand? To read what you write causes me to envision a big 'ol sheep dog romping gleefully through the fields!  Romp on, I say!

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Establish the boundary of no hitting. That is important, but focus on why he was hitting you. What did he want? Does he understand that Mom knows what is best for him?

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   Meg Moonposted 11 years ago

   I don't think it makes you a bad parent- parenting is tough. However ultimately I don't think it is appropriate to spank your child- certainly not to teach them a lesson not to be violent. The child becomes what the parent is not what the parent teaches. You have to model the behaviour that you want your child to emulate. If your child sees people hitting when they are angry then this is what they will do when they are angry/frustrated etc. You have to explain to them why violent behaviour is unacceptable and you can hardly do that if your response is to be violent back.

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   peeplesposted 11 years ago

   Does anyone ever think about the fact that when we hit anyone other than our own child it is illegal?

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      TIMETRAVELER2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Parents have a right to discipline their children as long as they are not abusing them...and spanking IS legal in that case.  However, if I had a child who was throwing tantrums I'd put him in a room and leave him there until he stopped...and he'll stop quick enough when he's not getting the attention he wants.  I would also take something away from him that he wants of likes for increasingly log periods of time every time he acts out.  This is pretty effective.

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         sholland10posted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Yes, the punishment must be appropriate.  For a toddler, a swat on the butt and a stern NO are appropriate.  Time out with no attention to the behavior during a tantrum is appropriate.  When they are older, taking the cell phone/computer/tv or all are appropriate for being disrespectful and talking back. 
         
         @CrystalEyes - I think you did the right thing.  It is not like you knocked him into the other room.  Following it up with, "See, you didn't like that, did you?"  Kids really do understand more than we give them credit for.

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            nina64posted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Stop beating yourself up for disciplining your child. It just amazes me that so many parents are afraid to spank their children in today's society. The government has put their noses into our homes to the point where we can't take care of our families as we should. I do believe that because the lack of discipline in our homes, some of our children are left to run wild. As a result of that, children are feeling like they can do anything they want and end up in the streets. The streets will get a hold of them and turn them into criminals who will end up either in jail or dead. As a child, I was spanked a lot. But it taught me to stay out of trouble. I really think that there are too many mixed messages when it comes to disciplining our children. As I said before, I was spanked as a child, and I'm not dead.

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   kat_thurstonposted 11 years ago

   nina I couldnt agree with you more. Quie frankly that is whats wrong with children today because they think oh mom or dad  cant spank cause all have to do is tell. I do believe though however, some can go overboard. I normally  give one warning and one warning only then I spank one to two times only on the butt you shouldnt really spank anywhere else or keep spanking repeatdly if your doing out of pure anger or your upset it is best to walk away and calm yourself down before you do any kind of discipline with your child.

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   crystaleyesposted 11 years ago

   A young child responds very positively through the time out method, when they misbehave.. i have personally experienced..  my child is 8 yrs and it worked, but what about older teenagers, how to you handle misbehavior from them?

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      A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Whatever was used to attempt to correct misbehaving children such that they became misbehaving older teenagers obviously didn't work.

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      IzzyMposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      As a parent, you don't hit teenagers unless they hit you first. My son hit me once and once only!
      
      I hate the way we are all scared to physically discipline children now in case they phone Childline or something.
      
      It is our job as parents to set boundaries. Children have to learn what is safe and what isn't, what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, what is right and what is wrong.
      
      If we can do that with cuddles, all well and good. If we do it by handing out the occasional smack, all well and good too.
      
      We love them, and they love us, but sometimes we as parents get confused about the need for discipline.
      
      Many of us grew up in an era where parental discipline was strict, and possibly thought it was a bad idea to inflict the same on our children.
      
      But look around. Have you ever seen so many juvenile delinquents in our schools, or on the streets?
      
      Do you never see a young adult behaving really badly, and think you to yourself, "that one needs a good slap"?
      
      Maybe if their parents had handed out some physical discipline, their child wouldn't have become the adult that makes the rest of us shake our heads.
      
      Does no-one watch the Jeremy Kyle Show?
      
      This thing about not physically disciplining kids has been around for at least 30 years.
      
      Look at the results!
      
      Disclaimer: Some families probably never had to slap the kids. Naturally gentle people usually have gentle kids, but that behaviour (I think) is inborn/genetic.

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      One time my teen age son stayed all night at a party (after I told him not to) so I took away his skates and hid them in a locker at the Y for a week! ( He was a serious rollerblader back in the day, when it was still cool.  Yes, it was at one time.) I didn't know what to do, but another teenage boy told me that would work. It did... he never stayed out all night again.  But, it is my understanding that after 15 you have done your work. They guide their own wills after that age. Hopefully a relationship in which trust, honesty and the will to cooperate with you has been built and consistently maintained. What parents have built will never be lost. We have a window of 15 years. This is Montessori based Info, take it or leave it.

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         A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         And, you don't see the blatant contradiction there?

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      a49eracctposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      At the age of 6/7 a spank or time out doesn't do much good. For a teenager it's better to make them "work it off" by doing chores and such that they usually wouldn't. Also grounding does pretty good, but only if you stay firm. You can't say "you're grounded for a week" and then let them get their privileges back in 3 days.

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   Mom Katposted 11 years ago

   I started writing a response & then I realized it was just WAY too long for a forum... lol
   So, I wrote a hub about it
   
   http://momkat.hubpages.com/t/3367f8

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   peeplesposted 11 years ago

   

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      SmartAndFunposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      +1

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   Davidrighthandposted 11 years ago

   For me well it depends on the child . some kids never need to be spanked . some you can just put in time out then there others whom need a firm talking to s for me it certainly depends on th child and his or her demeaner. Hello to you. to answer our question I would need to know how old the child is first if he or she is 7 or younger and hitting a parent then I tink it can be taught not to if the child is older then you may need a professional. Great question though.

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years ago

   ... you know, if we do it because the child had it coming... and sometimes they do because they want what they want...then the child learns what makes us angry. Anger is human nature. A spank at the appropriate time makes them see how they have effected us.  Believe me they won't do it again. Children want to please the adult in charge. The adult in charge usually has way more influence than they believe. The child needs us to be in a position of authority. They were just born and are learning from us how to survive. We must set boundaries. A quick spank sometimes does the Job just fine. Even in the animal kingdom mama has to growl or show her teeth when her little ones overstep the boundaries.

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      Davidrighthandposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I so agree with that I also think that children are drawn to adults whom disaplend them they like to be taught right from wromg yes

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         I enjoyed reading your hubs. And I like your name, Davidrighthand!

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      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      As a mother I could never imagine saying my child had me hitting them coming. It is our jobs as adults to control our anger.

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      A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, and you teach them that violence is the solution to being angry.
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      Yes, the adult is bigger and stronger and will lash out in violence if angered.
      
      
      
      But, in your case, it is a position of violence, not authority.
      
      
      
      You don't teach children anything about hot survive or set boundaries, you are teaching them to resort to violence when angered.
      
      
      
      Growling and showing teeth is not the same as what you advise us to do. You only advocate violence.

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Yo are blowing my message wa y    o  u  t    o   f    p  r o p o r t ion !     Mountains out of molehills.

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    SmartAndFunposted 11 years ago

    My husband and I made a conscious choice not to use corporal punishment as a means of disciplining our children. Of course they are not perfect, they are kids, but their behavior has never warranted hitting them (when does it, really?). In their toddler years, when they threw tantrums, they were too young to fully understand and fully control their behavior. Why hit a kid for doing something he doesn't really understand and can't fully control? You have to teach them/they have to somehow learn to handle these situations properly and get a grip on their behavior.
    
    Once they grew up a little and had learned to control themselves for the most part, hitting was unnecessary. At that point (now) we are able to talk it out and take away a privilege or assign some sort of project to help fix the situation or make up for whatever they've done (consequences for actions). You don't have to hit your kids to make them behave properly.
    
    I have a friend who was so frustrated with her child that she carried a wooden spoon around with her wherever she went when her child was a preschooler. At six or seven he was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder/Autism. All those years of hitting him with a spoon (!!!) and come to find out he was not being "a little shit" just to annoy her. What a guilt trip for her! I wish that on no one!

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       Davidrighthandposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I think we are all right in the way we raise our children i dont think theres a right or wrong way person here in this conversation who wolud hurt there child. On the other hand my belief is when we spare the rod of disipline
       some time our children pay for it later on in life. I personally know of two teen kids in different familys where one child whom I knew very well commited suicide because he was turned down by a girl he was only 13 years and was never spanked but do have time outs. He was a straight A student but in my view some of the things he did growing up deserved a spanking there was not enough of a deterant meaning what child with a strong personallity who thought I will do it anyway mom and dad are only going to sit in a corner and preach to me all day I can tkae that children are smart. To get there way some kids will do just about anything because theres no fear of athority. Each child are differnt some need spanking and some need more some need none but none of them want to be a bad person they just want love and sometimes that love carries a stern hand or voice at the end. We all here love our kids. To the person who wrote about the wood spoon carrying lady she should have been more in tune with her child then that wouldn't happen. We need to be very much in tune because all children can be figured out with just some time spent well with them.

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          Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          I agree. Sensitivity must be there. Observation must be there. Common sense and self control as well.

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Dear Smart
       ...when they are about to do something dangerous, or when quick correction needs to be displayed for the safety of the child. 
       Children can set off the anger of a parent.  I learned that It is not bad to let children know what is unacceptable through a conscious show of anger. NOT violence or uncontrolled anger. You should not pretend that anger is not part of the human condition when dealing with your children...And we must provide the example of having control over our emotions.
       And yes, I would say that two spanks in a life time would be the limit! More than that, and you better figure out where YOU are going wrong! NUF said!

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    tysonbakerposted 11 years ago

    I have 6 grandchildren and 3 youngest are 6,4, and 20 months and there are times that I want to spank them but their parents wont allow me to spank them...they always believe in talking to them...my 4 year old granddaughter is a wild child...she enjoys playing in the water and flooding the floor in the bathroom and getting into the markers and her mother (my step-daughter) did not do a thing..as for me, I would spank her...heck that is the way I was raise there is no harm...

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Can you believe how my advice was so misconstrued??? Thanks for sharing.

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          tysonbakerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          granted I hate the idea but there are times that a spanking will have to work...just dont get abusive..there are limits...

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             Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

             Yes there are boundaries in setting boundaries...One must have common decency, common sense and self control. I should never have said a word!

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    prettydarkhorseposted 11 years ago

    they will strike back at you when they grow up like high school, some kids do get bigger than their moms.
    
    Spanking begets spanking.

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       No it does not. And I would only use a spank as a last resort... not something to base the relationship on!  Children instinctively love their parents. They have an inborn will to cooperate with them. We usually interfere with that will to cooperate by giving them false expectations. We need to give them realistic expectations.  See information about the Sense of Order in Secret of Childhood by Dr. Montessori.

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          prettydarkhorseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          I respect your opinion but I use maxtol meaning maximum tolerance then I use rewards and punishment not spanking.

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             Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

             ...great,  and that is common sense and common decency. I was only responding to the mother's original concern.  I was confirming that she did not psychologically harm her child in what she did.  Especially If it  ultimately  helps in establishing reality and in setting boundaries. We cannot go overboard here!   I am in my right mind and I do not advocate violence or corporal punishment! Boundary setting is based on subtleties which Dr. Montessori discusses in her books. Discovery of the Child and The Montessori Method are two others. Usually people accuse Montessori of giving too much freedom.  But she absolutely advocated freedom as one side of a coin with boundaries and discipline on the other. Read her books and be amazed.

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                A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                Okay, here is a page from the Montessori Society offering alternatives to spanking...
                
                "The latest research from Dr. Murray Straus at the Family Research Laboratory affirms that spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more violence, the very thing that our society is so concerned about."
                
                http://www.montessori.org/index.php?opt … ;Itemid=42

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                   Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                   Hey, this (Info on the  Montessori site) is great Info, Mr. T!
                   Finally you are being helpful! By the way, discipline and boundaries do not mean violence or corporal punishment!  I invite you to read my articles about boundary setting!  (Just don't leave any negative comments that will hurt my feelings.)

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          peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          I agree with pretty on this one. I started out with my first child popping his butt or hand when I thought it was needed. I ended up with a 3 year old popping me back and hitting his baby brother when he thought he was doing wrong. Also I ended up dealing with the guilt of finding out my son has aspergers and was being popped for things he had no real idea of. I have found it is very possible to not give false expectations and not have to spank. My 2 youngest have never been popped and I will never raise my hands at my children again. To each their own I guess.

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    Sally's Troveposted 11 years ago

    Spanking is never called for. It humiliates a child. It is abuse. It shames them. They will carry this humiliating scar for all their lives. Grown ups ought to be smart enough to find other ways to discipline.
    
    When parents spank, they do it either out of frustration or out of some sense of empowerment they learned from their parents.
    
    When parents spank out of frustration, they are not in control of their emotions and thus they set an example for a child that it's OK to lash out physically when the world isn't going their way.
    
    When parents spank out of a sense of what they feel is OK about spanking, according to how they were raised (empowerment), that it's an acceptable form of discipline, then they've grown up with a warped sense of parenting.
    
    This spanking issue has come up in forums and in hubs for all the time I've been here. And the same pro and con arguments get aired all the time.
    
    So here's where I dig my heels into the sand. Spanking is never called for, just like slapping your wife across her face is never called for.
    
    Set rules and boundaries for and with your children and make sure they understand what you expect. When they deviate from those rules, use techniques that work, like time outs or removing privileges, and be consistent. Above all, listen to them, observe them. Look for the whys behind their unacceptable behavior. That's your job as an adult. You are supposed to be a teacher, not an abuser.
    
    Think before you smack. Think about how you would feel if you were spanked today.
    
    Not a pretty picture, is it?
    
    When you find that you have spanked, and you feel horrible about it, listen to yourself and forgive yourself. No one is perfect. You always have the chance to discipline another way.

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       kathleenkatposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I respectfully disagree.
       
       I have been spanked growing up.
       
       I have also been a victim of gun/gang violence.
       
       Spanking isn't emotionally scarring. Being beat up by a bunch of colored males? That's emotionally scarring. That's abuse.
       
       Spanking may be humiliating, but quite frankly, you can't go through life without being humiliated. I would say situations that would humiliate a lot of people don't even humiliate me at all because of spanking. Like, who cares if there is toilet paper trailing from your shoe? Nothing like getting your ass beat on the side of the highway for being a little S#!7.

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          SmartAndFunposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          KK, you used the words "Nothing like getting your ass beat on the side of the highway for being a little S#!7."
          
          That's why I reffered to it in the same way.

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    kathleenkatposted 11 years ago

    I got spanked as a kid.
    
    I learned not to be a little S#!7.

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       peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I got spanked as a kid and turned out feeling horrible (granted it was combined with abusive behavior) but is it really worth the chance? How do you know if your child won't be one of those who does end up bothered by it. I understand you feel it was fine for you but what about a child?

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          Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          it was for good reason. It was not without a purpose. The child will get it!
          Lets make sense!

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    SmartAndFunposted 11 years ago

    What? Are you saying your parents beat your ass by the side of the road for being a little shit? Or was that the gang violence? Hard to tell which is which by your description. Wow.

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Not to me.  I get you, KK.  ...sorry you know what its like to be beat up by anybody.     ( and spanking is not a beating... well it shouldn't be.)

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       kathleenkatposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Yep. It goes like this:
       
       "quit bickering, or I'll pull the car over!"
       
       "this is your last warning!"
       
       "okay, get out of the car."
       
       And slapping someone's ass is hardly a beating. It's not like they were intending to cause permanent damange. It's all about the intention.
       
       That's why this
       
       Sucked less than this.
       

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          Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          and perspective.

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    krsharp05posted 11 years ago

    I was spanked as a child because I was naughty.  I tested boundaries and pushed limits - as kids do.  Growing up with 5 brothers meant that I had to keep up and I was going to do whatever it took to do just that.  I can't remember a single moment when I felt unloved, mistreated or abused.  Being spanked didn't teach me to go to school and fight with other children because I knew that if I did that, I would get another spanking.  If you don't provide parameters and discipline for your children, they will only know "NO LIMITS" and that is no exaggeration.  Sometimes kids need to have the "nose-to-nose" conversation to remind them that they are the child who follows the rules and you are the parent who makes the rules.  Your job is to raise a child who can be a happy, good and productive member of society and sometimes that means you have to lay down the law.  It's always harder for the parent.  Kids bounce back but adults hold grudges.  Absolve yourself of any guilt and stick to your guns.  You get what you settle for so don't settle for anything less than greatness.  It doesn't matter what other people think because when your kids are adults, those people will be totally irrelevant. Best of luck and sending warm wishes your way. Best Wishes to you.

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       tysonbakerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       When I was a child and I got in trouble my father or my mother used to spank me it did not matter what I did but I did learn a lesson for the spanking...when I am babysitting my 3 youngest grandchildren there are times that I want to spank them because the 6 year old and the 4 year old smart mouth me..which I dont like but I  have been told by their parents that I am not allowed to spank them...which irritates me...

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          peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Can you not find a way to dicipline this child without hitting them? I mean no disrespect here but have you really tried everything and have ruled out any form other than hitting. EVERY child can learn without hitting them. My oldest is almost 9 and suffers with aspergers which causes horrible meltdowns, a smart mouth, and lack of understanding my upsetness, yet even with him I find ways of disciplining him without spanking. Do as you please they are of course your grandchildren, but as a mother I would plea with anyone to find other ways of teaching proper behavior.

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             krsharp05posted 11 years agoin reply to this

             I would never spank a child with Asperger's because they can't process information the same way a child without Asperger's does. It's not ethical to spank a child with Asperger's nor are we comparing the same situations.  My kids are organically normal as far as I know so when they are rude or out of line, I address it immediately and appropriately for the situation.  I don't automatically pull the belt out of my jeans and start whipping children.  I use every opportunity I can to teach to the situation. However, if the situation is severe, I might address it with a more caustic response - but never in public or in plain sight. The point is, sometimes I need to get their undivided and total attention.  They need to know that they DO NOT make the rules,they follow the rules. There is no negotiating that.

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          Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Dear Tysonbaker,
          I was told by my mentor who had worked closely alongside Dr. Montessori, to respond by saying, "If you speak to me like that, I will not speak to you,"
          and follow through. Keep quiet for a while until everyone calms down. Then Explain what the the proper behavior is...  in terms of YOUR  expectations: "I can't have you speaking disrespectfully to me. I want you to be polite," and then teach a lesson on politeness. Explaining and living the golden rule will come in handy here. The key is setting the standard of politeness in your home.
          
          I also think the children's mother needs some boundaries set..." I will not have the children over, if they do not speak politely to me. I cannot have them talking back to me. I love them, but I cannot have it.... it is upsetting!" ( tell it like it is!) She should talk to them and help them with this. In these ways you are helping the children learn how to be polite and respectful...especially to their very own grandmother!

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          A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          It irritates you that you can't beat on someone else children because your parents beat on you? There is no other lesson learned here that I can see.

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I agree with your Good, Sound Advice, Krsharp05.

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       A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Notice what spanking did actually teach you? One thing it didn't teach you are the real reasons why you don't go to school and fight with other children.

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    tysonbakerposted 11 years ago

    Excuse my French but that is bullsh@t...there is nothing spanking a child...as long as you are limited..this is why I live 25 minutes from my grandchildren...so when this occurs..i can vent all the home and trust I have...my late husband used to vent right along with me...Our grandchildren dont care they only think of themselves...my grandchildren ar 20 years old, 18 years old, 15 years old, and the three youngest....now I used to be this way all the time but I am not now...I still wish I could do something but I now look at it as this...It is the parent's job to discipline the children...NOT Nana and Papa before papa passed away...now they start throwing I exit the house....

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       sorry to have upset you.

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       A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       And, you wonder why?

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    Uninvited Writerposted 11 years ago

    I was spanked once that I remember, for something I did not do. I have never forgotten it. It does damage people whether you want to admit it or not. I can't say you are wrong to spank, because I'm not a parent.
    
    Children can turn out just as bad when they are spanked as when they are not, as some have said, many believe that hitting out at someone is okay. Discipline does not need to mean hitting. It's the easy way out in my opinion.

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       tysonbakerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Dont worry you did not upset me...I just dont like hearing people give excuses instead of disciplining their child....

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          peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Do you really think those of us who don't spank our children are giving excuses instead of disciplining our children? All 3 of my children are disciplined. Just because I don't hit them does not mean they are somehow running wild.

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             SmartAndFunposted 11 years agoin reply to this

             +1 Same here at my house.

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          Rad Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Disciplin comes in many forms. Hitting is the easiest and by far the worst version. When one hits a child to change behaviour the child learns how to change someone's behaviour. They hit. If your smart enough find another way.

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       SmartAndFunposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       +1 I agree.

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    Rosebuddyposted 11 years ago

    You are not a bad parent; you just need better ways to deal with these issues. It really depends on how old your child is to what your response should be. For example, if your child is a toddler, get their attention, look into their eyes and say clearly and strongly “No. That hurts. No” They will understand this. If they’re older, tell them that they do not have the right to hit you or anyone else unless they are defending themselves. Tell them their behavior is disappointing and that violence is the act of a bully. Pick a punishment and stick to your decision. If you give in, you cheat your child of learning about consequences. If they throw a tantrum, either laugh or throw one back. Be unafraid to embarrass yourself, it’s an amazing way to get your point across as it certainly does get their attention.
    
    I believe in protecting yourself and protecting children. A swift slap to the backside is not protecting a child. We teach kids not to hit kids. We know that an adult can go to jail for hitting another adult but parents hitting kids is discipline????
    
    Why does discipline mean violence? I remember being afraid of the wooden spoon. I Remember the lead up, I remember the fear; what I don't remember is what I did wrong.
    
    Remember, no one can argue with a peaceful man. Be calm to promote peace within your home. If you don’t feel it, fake that feeling. Kindness teaches kindness. A discussion on why hitting is bad, promotes discussion and understanding. Be strong of will and use your hands to comfort your child.

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       SmartAndFunposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       +1 Well said!

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    tysonbakerposted 11 years ago

    granted I felt this way about my granddaughters because they would not listen to me or my late husband when we took care of them...granted that was over a year ago and I had trouble adapting to the idea...actually when my husband was alive they listen to him more than me...but since he died back in June they do listen to me...they dont like it but they do eventually adapt to the idea...I am not as strict as I was a year ago....

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       A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       So, you beat them a little less now than a year ago?

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    tysonbakerposted 11 years ago

    No you miss interpret me...I did not beat my grandkids...their parents would not allow me....i wanted to spank them but my husband told to wait and let the parents deal with their kids...if these kids were mine I would discipline them and if that means a spanking so be it...there is a limit...

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       Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       So the atheist amongst us, (T. Man), does not believe in spanking at all? Based on what? Your own reasoning ?
       
       (Freedom of speech is to be used for some good. It is so irritating when some people in the forums contradict just for the sake of being contradictory. I hope you are not one of these people, T. Man)

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          peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Sinking pretty low there aren't you? Several of us who posted against it aren't god believers. I have to ask since you decided to go that route. Do you base your spanking beliefs off the bible? If so do you like worshiping a god that tells you to hit your child? If not then based on what? I don't hit my child because it seems common sense that if I shouldn't hit another adult I sure shouldn't be hitting a child!

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             Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

             I agree with you.
             ( T Man is always contradicting everything I say. I was addressing it to him, as he was on the side of  the atheists in another forum.)
             
             I base my reasoning on Jesus and the Golden Rule, the sage advice of Dr. Montessori, who stressed the importance of setting boundaries, common sense, and my own experience.
             I do not believe in spanking, as I do not believe that punishments are effective. I believe in the consistent verbal setting of boundaries and good example in living according to the Golden Rule. In this way boundaries are set in a proactive way. Usually the child just needs more instruction when they misbehave. Rarely do they do things just to be contradictory since nature has instilled within them a desire to follow (through love) the adult in charge.
               The mother who asked the question had already "smacked" her child on the back for hitting her. I was just saying to her ( according to my mothers advice to me, now that I think about it... ) if you have to "smack" your child( (sometimes it is an instinctive response,) do it on the rear... Then, try to figure out how it got to that point. It would be better to figure out how it got to that point before the urge to spank. But we are human and prone to getting upset...especially when our child hits us.  She knew she had to stop her child from hitting her somehow!
             Just sharin' !

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                Sally's Troveposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...the first and most important lesson in learning empathy. This applies to children as it does to any other person in your life. Do you want to be smacked? No...neither does your child.
                
                Good point...I think the lesson starts there. The adult has the responsibility to carry this teaching forward by example and by word, no matter how frustrated, confused, and angry he may be. There is no excuse for lashing out at a child. It will just make him a lasher down the road.

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       A Troubled Manposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       The only response to that is to ask you to seek professional help.

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          Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

          Boundary for all troubled men:
          
          Don't be rude to others who are merely sharing viewpoints like every one else.

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    Ben Zoltakposted 11 years ago

    Try not to ever hit back... redirect! Find something else to grab their attention, and yours.

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    Sally's Troveposted 11 years ago

    Let's beat a dead horse. Spanking has been a topic in HP forums over and over again, and also in hubs, and also in life.
    
    Some think it's OK, others are opposed.
    
    Guess there will always be the kernel of a different view about how children are raised.
    
    Too bad that children have to go through the humiliation while adults try to figure it out.

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