My marriage experience--Marriage Does change a relationship

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   Jewels2940posted 15 years ago

   I know that getting married young was probably the first sign that marriage was maybe a bad idea, but a marriage isn't going to work when only one person is putting forth an effort to make it work. I was 22 when I got married; I thought that I was happy until my husband quit his job. I understand that job satisfaction is very important, and money isn't everything, but in my eyes, marriage is supposed to be a team effort.
   
   My husband promised me that he would get a job when we got back from our honeymoon; this was in May 2007. Well, a year rolled around and still no job. Please answer me this, how is a person supposed to go to school full-time and work full-time and support two people? When I say support, I am talking about paying rent, utilities, cable, cell phone, internet, groceries, car insurance, school expenses, etc. It is almost impossible for two people to live off of one person's income these days. Was it wrong that I gave him an ultimatum after a year and two months?When August of 2008 came, I told him that he had two months to get a job or we were done. You would think that if a person loved someone as much as he/she says, then a job and a little support would be no problem, right? Apparently I was wrong. My husband (now soon-to-be ex-husband) just blew me off. He had a job up until we got married, what would make someone turn lazy? Does a piece of paper mean that much to where someone changes his/her entire lifestyle?
   
   This is why I say that marriage does change a relationship. I never thought that I would be a statistic. I sat and thought about it long and hard, "yes, I am one of those 50% that get divorce; I am a statistic." This was hard to swallow st first, but I guess everyone makes mistakes. This is a big black mark in my book. I am soon going to be a divorcee.
   
   The bad part about this whole situation is that now, he says he has a job and his own place, and is doing things by himself. Why wait a year and a half to grow up? It frustrates me so much that I wasn't enough for him to want to become an adult. I am glad that he is doing well, but in the same breath, I am very angry. I am not in love with him anymore, so I would not even entertain that idea of getting back with because I feel that we would be back in the same situation. He went back to the way he was before we got married; he has a job, and supposively handles his responsibilities.
   
   Was this man looking for another mommy? I just hope that my future relationships do not blind side me like this one did. I hope that the next man that I fall in love with and maybe decide to marry doesn't look at a marriage certificate as a free pass to mooch and live off of me! Marriage change my life and relationship...not for the better!
   
   Divorce & Marriage Statistics:
   
       * Number of marriages: 2,162,000
       * Marriage rate: 7.1 per 1,000 total population
       * Divorce rate: 3.5 per 1,000 population (44 reporting 
         states and D.C.)
       * In the United States, 49% of marriages end in divorce.
       * Although 82% of all married couples will reach their
         fifth wedding anniversary, only 52% will celebrate 15 
         years of marriage
       * The median duration of first marriages that end in 
         divorce is slightly less than eight years.
       * Most people will wait about three years after a divorce   
         to remarry
       * Most divorce proceedings will take approximately one
         year to complete
   
   Those were just some sad facts about the United States, other cultures have high rates as well:
   
       * In Sweden, 64% of marriages end in divorce.
       * In Canada, 45% of marriages end in divorce
       * In France, 43% of marriages end in divorce.
       * In Israel, 26% of marriages end in divorce.
       * In Greece, 18% of marriages end in divorce.
   
   In Italy, 12% of marriages end in divorce: I would like to know what the Italians are doing to make marriages last...Any suggests??

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      Tadeusz598posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I suggest that you look at the pay disparities betweeen Italian men and women for your answer, and to the fact that the Catholic Church is against divorce.
      
      Italian women are paid very badly in comparasion with men, so it is very difficult for them to leave a failing marriage. They simply cannot easily afford to. Housing is especially costly in Italy.
      
      Where femal/male pay is more even, and women can leave an unhappy marriage, as in Sweden or Canada, they do so. The same goes for Greece as for Italy. It isn't to do with people being happier together, or remembering to put the cap back on the toothpaste tube: it's because women, who initiate most divorces, haven't the freedom to leave.
      
      It should be pointed out that divorce is not neccessarily a bad thing, and needn't be especially unhappy. Certainly, it is better to get divorced than stay in a miserable relationship for years.
      
      If humans marry at, say 30, and live until 80 then they will have spent 50 years with just one other person- this is surely a tough call, even for the most loving, sweet-tempered souls. And in my humble opinion, this is an unrealistic objective for normally flawed individuals.
      
      Perhaps we should just find ways of accepting a divorce or two as a normal part of a human life?

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         emdiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Excuse me ..........

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         Silence2posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         i think it depends on the person. IF the person never holds back and lets you see who they really are then no a marriage will not change the relationship if so it only becomes stronger. however if the person never conveys he/she real self then once you are married and your stuck so to speak then the relationship will change because the truth will start coming out

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   2. 62

      emdiposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I don't know why in Italy only 12% of marriages end in divorce, but I can guess that in 88 % of marriages, the binding element is LOVE.
      
      I understand your situation and can imagine the difficulties through which you passed through. May be I will share with you my experience.
      
      My father lost his job when I was 10 years and my sister was 7 years. Its was my mom who supported us all (imagine supporting 4 people,paying our tuition and other bills). We did took a loan, we had financial constrains,my mom passed through all the difficulties you described. Parents did fight but my mom did not fire or divorce my dad because he is unemployed. It was indeed a team work, when one partner failed the other one helped. I define this as LOVE.
      
      dear friend, he is your husband not your boyfriend. If you help him at the time of his weakness,he too will stand by you at the time of difficulties in your life. We never know what will happen tomorrow. If the husband divorces a wife because she lost her legs in an accident, what is the meaning of marriage, and where is love in that marriage? Marriage is not a company nor business.
      
      You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without. This is called LOVE. As Abraham Crowley once said "A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain."
      
      In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer.
      
      I am not going to suggest or judge you but leave it upto you to think with an open and a loving heart.
      
      
      - a little cat (emdi)

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         Jewels2940posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I completely agree with you, but when someone begs and pleads with the other spouse to help and get a job, and the partner just blows you off and flat out refuses, what is one supposed to do?? He didn't lose his job...he just quit. No excuse, he just needed a break. Well, I needed a break as well, but me being an adult would not let US lose everything that I worked so hard for. I took over a year to think long and hard about my decision..trust me when I say that it wasn't just a spontaneous thing! When you look at someone in the face everyday, and say okay you said you will look for a job today and this person says yes, you need some stress taken off of your shoulders. Okay that sounds like a wonderful start to my day, but after that long day of school and then work, I come home and there he is, with a few friends, drinking and playing video games, leaving me to clean up the house before I go to bed and start my whole day over....where's the love in that?? And to end this, I guess I never really truly was in love, because I am living without him, doing well!!!!

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            wychicposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            I can certainly understand that...mine looked in my eyes every day and told me he loved me and continually promised to fix things that made the house next to unlivable for us and our son. When it came down to it, it was more important for him to spend his money on fast food and impressing his friends than on providing for his family. For all that I clung to the relationship for five years, when I finally walked out the door I never shed another tear for him.

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      LiamBeanposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Ralwus is right. This is a perfect hub. Be sure to do some adwords research.

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   ralwusposted 15 years ago

   My. This should be your first hub dear.

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      AEvansposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree!!! I didn't even recognize the new avatar i thought you were knew. lololo

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         ralwusposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         That's funny AE. LOL Keep them eyes peeled now. Love ya hun.

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            Jewels2940posted 15 years agoin reply to this

            I just published it   thanks!!

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               Pearldiverposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Wow you might even get paid for this perpective now! I s'pose you'll even get fans.  Welcome to HP.... Keep writing and a lot more will come up.

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               LiamBeanposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Oop! Just saw that! Sorry.

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   sneakorocksolidposted 15 years ago

   Unfortunately it sounds like you married a boy. Everything you said made sense to me to bad it didn't to your partner.
   
   Even with the best partners there is a transition from infatuation to partnership. It's hard and you have to work out the ground rules and that comes with time because circumstances change. The main thing is to motivated to work as a team for the common good. Be realistic, you can't have and do everything all at once. The memories a couple have come from a life together not a really good summer.
   
   Now on the other hand I did ask my wife what happened to that sweet girl I married, her reply,"You did!". So, I guess theres always going to be more to paradise than just easy-liv'in.

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      Jewels2940posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      ""Unfortunately it sounds like you married a boy.""
      
      You hit it on the head!! I married a boy. Marriage is supposed to be for adults or to put it better an adult activity. It's hard when one partner id grown up and responsible and the other just wants to stay a child. Like I said, I guess we live and learn!!

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         Ghost32posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         It seems there are an awful lot of them out there--boys, that is.  Quite a few "girls", too: I left six women (yes, all my idea with the exception of #4, where it was kind of mutual but she was still ticked off when I decided enough was enough).  Numbers 4, 5, and 6 ALL fit the pattern you describe--working and making a living when I met 'em, suddenly not working or making a dime after we tied the knot.
         
         With Pam (wife #7, just about 13 years together now and no chance whatsoever of us parting company prior to death--and probably not then), there were differences:
         
         1.  She was SHOCKED when I told her firmly and repeatedly that "I don't need a mother!".  She'd had a number of long term relationships and never heard of such a thing before.  Every  prior "man" of hers had wanted and expected to be waited on hand and foot, she was expected to lie to cover his shortcomings and peccadillos, etc.
         
         2.  Pam was disabled even before we met and could no longer maintain a "regular job" but desperately WANTS to be able to do so, even though she's knows it's not in the cards, to this day.  Pure dee workaholic by nature. 
         
         Back to your situation: Looks like you're ahead of the curve.  You've already learned much of what it took me a whole bunch of decades to figure out! 

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   wychicposted 15 years ago

   Unfortunately it seems like marriage can, more than anything, bring out who a person really is. Some people think that once that paper is signed then the other person is stuck, and then they feel free to be themselves...oftentimes that can be a really bad thing. I also got married at 22, though it was after a 5-year relationship that I was never quite sure about...then he started into "I'm not going to wait for you forever" and constantly hassling me about getting married, so like an idiot I married just to shut him up. Six weeks later I left, and a few weeks after that he fathered a baby with a 19-year-old who had pretended to be my friend for years. I had had my suspicions about him cheating before but never confirmed it because I didn't want to distrust either of them...let's chalk it up to a rather expensive lesson, both financially and emotionally.
   
   On the plus side, this experience has allowed me to better evaluate maturity levels of the people around me, which I suspect may be the lesson you've learned from your marriage as well.
   
   And yes, I have been accused of having been a mental pedophile in the past, even though I didn't realize just how young he was on the inside .

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      Genniferposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Completely agree with you... That's why I think that before marry a person you'd better to live with him/her for at least several months - it will prevent you from unexpected surprises.

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         Jewels2940posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Bad thing about my relationship is that I DID live with him for 2 years prior to the marriage talk. He had a job and him and I were a team; I wasn't just me, by myself. I just was blindsided, so what do you do about that? I left, that's how I coped. I haven't looked back either. I gotta keep my head up as would anyone!

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   pageantgirl31413posted 15 years ago

   I understand how that is. I'm 22 and although my husband is a 'man', I was engaged to a 'boy' before I met him. Thankfully my husband, friend at the time, made me realize what I was doing. We have our disagreements but we do pretty well at fixing them. I am a stay at home mom but I am constantly looking for a way to bring in some extra money although he tells me not to. We have to be careful to know when our love is infatuation or real love. Real love means you'll take care and respect your significant other.
   
   I think you loved him but maybe he was just infatuated. I don't know but I'm sorry that it didn't work out. Marriage does change a relationship and we can only pray that it's a good change and not a bad one.

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      Jewels2940posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      He claimed to love me, and still does, but I think a person can only be stretched so thin until that single thread breaks. You know when enough is enough, ya know? Thank you for the sorry, but life lesson learned. I won't make the same mistake again, that's for sure!

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   yoshi97posted 15 years ago

   Marriage only works when both people meet each other halfway. Oddly enough, some people see a marriage license as a blanket of comfort which they can hide under and no longer try. After all, they impressed you enough to marry them, so why continue on with the charade? It saddens me there are people like your husband who think like this, but I have ran across many in my lifetime who think this way.
   
   As for hubby getting a job once he left ... he no longer had someone to enable him so he needed to grow up or starve. Had you not given the ultimatum, you would be posting here today on how you still support your hubby and are continuing to grow resentful.
   
   You did what was right for you ... there's no shame in that.

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