The Issue of An Affair
Hui (蕙),
At the outset it must be stated anyone entering into a monogamous relationship or marriage is generally against the idea of having affairs.
Most people on their wedding day have no plans to cheat.
Most people would also say if they're cheated on they'd file for divorce!
Oftentimes there is a difference between life and "the hypothetical".
People say what they will or won't do but find themselves adapting.
Life is a personal journey
Generally speaking we assume all cheaters are low down no good selfish people who should end relationships or file for divorce if they're unhappy.
In other instances they're viewed as "incessant cheaters" incapable of ever being faithful to anyone regardless of circumstances within a marriage.
Why do people cheat???
That is a question that is often asked but deep down most people really don't care about (why). It's usually a "rhetorical question" asked by someone who has {already made up their mind} there is no justification.
In essence asking (why) isn't an attempt to gain any "understanding".
I believe a large percentage of people who cheat do so in order to STAY in marriages or relationships they are unhappy or dissatisfied with on some level. However whatever their issue is they don't feel it is a "deal breaker" or worth throwing away the marriage/relationship over.
Awhile back there was a question posted on HP.
Would you end your marriage if you were sexually incompatible?
Over 90% of the answers were "no". That's exactly how cheaters feel!
They don't see this issue as being a reason to file for a divorce.
However I suspect if you asked the following question:
Would you rather your spouse cheat on you or leave you?
My guess is most people would say they'd rather him/her leave them!
Essentially it's the same question from a different point of view!
Most cheaters seek to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.
These "needs" vary from individual to individual: (attention, feeling special, romance, affection/sex, deep empathetic conversations, emotional support, a sense of adventure)
Why do they risk losing a relationship/marriage that they've chosen to stay in? Cheaters don't expect to be caught! (They don't dwell on it.)
Not along ago there was a major breech on the Ashley Maddison Adultery website. One of the women exposed on the site is married to a man who became a quadriplegic after an accident. She didn't want to divorce him nor put him in a nursing home. She made arrangements to care for him in their home. However she still had a desire for physical affection, romance, and the ability to go out to dinner or take a stroll along the beach...etc
She joined the website and began a "discreet affair".
Some people may call her "evil" but I wouldn't.
Imagine a married man with three children. His wife has gone through menopause and has no desire to have sex. They've had discussions about it, tried a couple of things but ultimately they became a "sexless marriage". From his point of view he has three options.
1. Accept the fact that his sex life is officially over.
2. Run down to the courthouse and file for divorce, moving out of his home into an apartment, paying child support and possibly alimony, becoming a weekend dad, lowering his living standards while dividing up assets including family and friends who choose sides within their circle.
3. Find a woman who is physically attracted to him and will have sex within the confines of a discreet affair or pay for sex through an escort service. If prostitution were legal many married men cheaters would take this route. Pay to play without risking making an emotional connection.
It's no surprise many men in that situation go with option #3.
Very few husbands are going to file for divorce because their wife stopped having sex with them! I believe most women know this to be true!
In fact mistresses are warned by their girlfriends:
"The husband never leaves the wife."
In fact in the U.S. (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings.
Lastly we have those people who gradually found themselves falling in love with another person while being married. This type of affair is often romanticized in old English novels and movies.
Unlike the thrill seeking casual cheater or the ones who are seeking to fulfill needs not being addressed in their marriage the "romance cheaters" act on impulse or feel a magnetic pull towards one another. They may initially fight it but keep ending up in circumstances where they are in the same room. Secret infatuations and sexual fantasies remain in their individual minds until one day someone works up the nerve to speak out loud about inner feelings or simply plants a kiss on the other one.
These are often the cheaters who "fall in love" and make plans to leave their marriages behind. They honestly believe their union was preordained. They fought it for as long as they could.
"I met (the right woman/man) at the wrong time."
"Life has been so cruel to us."
"We never meant for this to happen."
Hui, what do you think about the matter on a gut level.
Why do you wonder about society?
What would Buddha say?
My opinion:
Most relationships are mistakes from the get-go.
Ordinarily most relationships are based on illogical, romantic, idealistic notions: "He gave me butterflies in my stomach." "She was pretty and fun."
Some are based on practical reasons such as, "All my friends were getting married."
"I didn't want to be an old maid." "It seemed like a good Idea at the time, since we had combined our bank accounts already." "She helped me through school, it was only fair." I actually heard this one,
"We decided it was better to get married than deal with roommates."
Some people literally can't say no and end up getting married through pressure of some type.
How long do you think anyone under this type of pressure can endure marriage?
Anyone in this position might become desperate for a sense of freedom, which they unwisely and unwillingly gave up.
Take young innocent Princess Diana. Many foresaw she would be miserable in her marriage to older, stiff Charles. Afterwards, she pacified her misery by following her heart, rather than her sense of duty and responsibility to not only her children but to the world. And consider her fate: A miserable, tragic end.
An Affair is nothing but a tragedy; an unfortunate choice which can never correct the original mistake but, instead, ends up making it a hundred times worse.
The tempting thing about affairs is this:
One thinks … one really truly thinks:
No One Will Find Out.
SO Ridiculous!
If you fall in love with someone outside your marriage, just get divorced before you act on your impulses.
If it ends up not being love, get divorced anyway. Be fair to yourself and your partner and the many people who are in your lives. They will be able to accept the fact of the matter: Its over.
If its not financially conducive, or one of them still loves the other and refuses to let go without going nuts, the other is stuck and has to make it work.
Surely, in the end, love will be acknowledged or develop on some level.
Heaven help them if it doesn't.
TWISIActually it was not having an affair that killed Princess Diana.
She had already divorced Prince Charles who by the way was having an affair of his own with Camilla who was married as well.
The death of the princess is the result of her drunk driver speeding through a tunnel to avoid having photos taken by the paparazzi.
This made no sense. Everyone already knew she was dating Dodi Fayed.
Having photos taken constantly comes with being famous.
No one should risk their life in order to avoid having a picture taken.
That's the real tragedy.
Kathryn,
I believe you’re being too hard on Princess Diana.
You may or may not recall she was only (20) years old when she married Prince Charles. The prince only married her out of duty to bring heirs into the royal family. His heart was always with Camilla Parker Bowles!
Although she herself was married at the time the prince continued to see her while being married to Diana and fathering her two children.
I suspect when the doe eyed 20 year old girl got married she had no idea her husband didn’t love her and would neglect her emotionally & physically!
Essentially the marriage was a sham in her eyes. She had various royal duties as a princess but for her it felt like she was in a prison.
This was far from the "fairytale" she imagined her life would be like.
At one point she considered suicide.
I don’t know of any young 20 something year old person who could be content in a loveless marriage!
My guess is it wasn’t hard to be flattered by men who gave her attention her husband didn’t. For Charles Princess Diana was a trophy wife who enhanced the royal family’s image. She was a pawn.
I think it is unrealistic to expect (a youth in the prime of her life) to simply be a content mother of her two sons and the princess of England and everything that entailed. She wanted the fairytale!!!
In those books she read (the prince loved the princess) and treated her special. He wasn’t neglectful of his princess or having an affair with a married woman.
Let’s not give the older Prince Charles a free pass!!! (He was almost 30 when he married her). Had he been a loving loyal affectionate husband who is to say if Diana may not have sought attention elsewhere.
The royal family resented the fact that the world loved Diana so much.
There were even rumors at the time of her death that the family may have had her killed. Just goes to show you how many folks sensed the lack of love she got from the royal family!
Charles finally married the only woman he ever really loved.
It's doubtful any (20 year old kid) would know what they signed up for.
Even in the U.S. I would not recommend someone get married at age 20. Princess Diana was without a doubt immature and naïve.
Having said that not many girls especially her age would have turned down a marriage proposal from an actual prince! It's the stuff of dreams!
She learned the hard way: Marriage is not a fairytale!
(Even if he's a real prince!)
"My husband made me feel so inadequate in every possible way," she told her biographer Andrew Morton.
Having gone through a divorce before I don't know how anyone could be happy with a cheating spouse who was cold and detached.
I imagine there was added pressure with the belief that she couldn't just file for divorce without it being a major news story. Her battle with bulimia, and several suicide attempts illustrates how unhappy she was.
Cheating on a husband who was cheating on her as well as mistreating her is not shocking at all. There shouldn't be a "double standard" regarding Charles and his betrayal. Had she been an American woman married to guy who was cheating on her since day one very few people would give the husband a free pass. His actions led to her actions.
Even with that as Princess of Wales, Diana undertook a variety of public engagements and royal duties on behalf of the Queen and represented her at functions overseas. She was celebrated for her charity work and for her support of the International Campaign to Ban Landmines. She was involved with dozens of charities including London's Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, of which she was president from 1989.
I believe more people empathized with her than disliked her.
Prince Diana just got into a royal marriage that was way over her head.
She had her flaws but was not nearly as wild as Dutchess Fergie!
Ideally, she would be alive today if she had respected her position to even the smallest extent.
She is in heaven looking on, at this point. (Just like in the photo.
)
I wonder if she will take her LIFE more seriously next time around.
As I remember, Queen Victoria had a devoted right arm, but they never acted upon their desires for the sake of the kingdom.
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