I'd like feedback on my article: I did not Run for a Coffin

1. 60

   Jewel Mervinposted 6 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article I did not Run for a Coffin (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? Thanks!

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   1. 92

      AliciaCposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I may be wrong, but based on the clues in the photo and your story, I think you're trying to write creative fiction about a real-life situation in the Philippines. Your story could be effective, but if people don't understand what it means no one will appreciate your message.
      
      I think you need to change the title of your hub to make it obvious that it belongs in the Politics and Social Issues category instead of the Creative Writing one (or change the category of the hub). I also think that you need to write an introduction describing the real-life situation in order to set the scene for your story. There are some English errors that should be corrected, too.

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   2. 80

      yogaburnclubposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Hi out there
      Thanks for showing interest in to write on Hubpages this is a world class hub that offers informative,well-researched articles that have not been published elsewhere.For your case, you need to read more on the guidelines and procedure for delivering a world class article.
      
      Ensure that it easily understandable from the title to the body and conclusion. Make sure you also use images, photos that you have rights to use, videos and polls that will give more illustrations to the articles
      
      Consider visiting the help section on Hubpages where you will get more information on what is expected of you.
      
      All the best

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      1. 95

         theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         It's fine as it is. It does not require more images, videos and polls. It's a piece of creative writing.
         
         @Jewel, you know you need to go back in and edit it, don't you?

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         Marisa Wrightposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Yogaburn, that would all be good advice IF the OP had written a factual article, or an opinion piece.  However, this is creative writing.  None of that advice applies.

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2. 94

   Rupert Taylorposted 6 years ago

   HubPages is looking for well-researched, informative, magazine-style articles written in very high quality English. This piece fits none of those qualities. I'm not sure what it's about; it doesn't make any sense to me.

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3. 94

   FatFreddysCatposted 6 years ago

   ^^ What Rupert sez. WTF was the point of that? Total gibberish.

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4. 0

   pen promulgatesposted 6 years ago

   Hey Jewel,
   You have jumbled between poetry and a short story. Sadly, it doesn't sound as you intended.
   No doubt that the article is full of errors. The message is unclear furthermore.
   You have switched between tenses unnecessarily.
   Please work on the highlighted issues. You will be able to write better then

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5. 95

   theraggededgeposted 6 years ago

   I think this is an amazing, moving piece of writing. You made me feel what that teenager was feeling. Was it someone you knew?
   
   You should probably move it into the creative writing category.
   
   Yes it needs a little work, and I would be really happy to help you out with it. Just let me know.

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6. 89

   chasmacposted 6 years ago

   I agree with theraggededge. This is an excellent piece of story-telling that just needs a bit of cosmetic surgery language-wise. I understood it completely, and yes it is very moving - and pretty shocking, too, to know that situation can and does occur in the Philippines. Of course, everyone knows about the drug-dealer killings there - it's world-wide news, but you have added the very human element of a young innocent teenager being killed by police who didn't actually care whether someone was a drug dealer or not - it's just a way to make them look like they're doing a good job and following their leaders advice of "If I can do it, so can you" (a statement he made while he was mayor and repeated recently in a televised press conference). Telling a kid to run home and then shooting him while he runs gives them the perfect excuse to say "We detained him but he ran (proving his guilt) so we shot him."
   
   It should be in the creative writing category and deserves to be published, so please accept theraggededge's kind offer of help and make use of her excellent English skills.

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7. 87

   Marisa Wrightposted 6 years ago

   The ONLY problem with this Hub is that you've put it in the wrong category.
   
   It's Creative Writing.  Put it in that category and it will pass the QAP at once.

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8. 89

   chasmacposted 6 years ago

   @ Marisa - Do you mean that if it's in creative writing, it won't require the same high standard of English that other categories require? That would make sense, I guess, but it does have a few awkward sentences that could do with fixing, such as "Ofcourse I’m aware with the war on drugs. I'm aware and I know you are".
   
   The first of those two sentences is a bit of a mess but easily fixed. The second is superb; it brings the reader uncomfortably close to the reality of the situation and would have even more impact if the preceding sentence was fixed. I really want to see this Hub published.
   
   The title is not search friendly, of course, so Google won't be sending much traffic, but it's a terrific title. If I had come up with that title, I would be happy to tell Google to #@*& off.

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   1. 87

      Marisa Wrightposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

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9. 95

   theraggededgeposted 6 years ago

   Okay, I've tidied up just a tiny bit. Changed tense where necessary, edited out some 'that's. But really, apart from those little things, it doesn't need changing at all.
   
   It really is a very good piece of writing, Jewel. You are very talented.
   
   Edit: I notice you have Contact enabled, so I have sent it to you via email. Good luck.

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