Getting Through Death

1. 59

   paradigmsearchposted 6 years ago

   My Dad died over five years ago; now I can finally write about it.
   
   It is a vicious, wicked experience.
   
   It is a crying experience.
   
   It is the worst experience you can have.
   
   And it is going to happen to you.
   
   Time really does heal.

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   1. 95

      gerimcclymposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      paradigmsearch: I am sorry for your loss. I believe your writing on this topic will be very powerful as you will be writing from the depths of your personal experience and grief. In this way you may reach many people in a way others cannot. Blessings to you this holiday season.

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   2. 86

      TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I am so sorry for your loss, but you are correct, we all go through these situations sooner or later.  I am old, so I have lost many loved ones.  It never hurts any less, but eventually you learn to remember the good times and let the bad times slide away into the past.  This really helps.  Just take it one day at a time and you'll get through it.

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   3. 92

      Titiaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sorry for your loss too and yes, time heals. I lost my dad in 1984 and I lost my mom in 2013. My mom was 101 years old when she passed away peacefully. Like TT2 I'm old (in years, not in mind) and I've lost many family members and good friends. Writing helps, I'm sure because it helped me a lot. I sometimes still talk to them when driving through my country because they both were nature lovers as I am.
      
      My mom had a beautiful saying which I have made my own:
      'I want to be happy, even when I'm sad'.

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   4. 80

      snakeslaneposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Dear Para, I don't think we are ever prepared for the death of those we love, or ourselves, at least I know I'm not. I like Titia's Mom's quote. That kind of sums it up.

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      1. 59

         Michael-Duncanposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         I understand where you are coming from. I had to deal with the sudden death of my dad, a job loss, a major family rift all at the same time. There was hardly even time to grieve. Later, when trying to come to grips with all that had happened I came across a statement from a dialogue which helped me a lot: "It is each man's quest to find out who he truly is, but the answer to that lies in the present, not in the past, as with all of us... the past is a construct of the mind, it blinds us, it fools us into believing it. But the heart wants to live in the present. Look there. You will find your answer."

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   5. 76

      Sulabhaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Dear paradigmsearch,
      Really sorry about your loss. It hurts and hurts very badly. I have, over the years, lost my dear ones too. Just a few days ago I turned 60. I realize, I am approaching my end slowly. And it will one day surely. It is inevitable. Till then, I will try to complete some things that my parents would have loved me to do. May be somewhere they will feel at peace.
      And the same message, I will try to pass on to my children.
      Thus, keep your father's dreams alive and you'll feel. he is still somewhere  around you.
      God bless you.

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   6. 88

      NateB11posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      This has become a paramount issue for me, as I watched my mother die while still alive from dementia; losing her mind, her ability to walk, her ability to talk. I took care of her for many years before I had to put her in a nursing home. Every time she gets sick I wonder if I'll lose her. And I can only guess how I'd react

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      1. 86

         TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Nate:
         
         I went through the same thing.  It took   8 1/2 years for my mother to succumb.  Towards the end, I prayed for it to happen.  The quality of her life had become nothing, and I had to watch it happen.
         
         Once she passed away, the worry, fear and stress all disappeared.  She was better off and so was I.  Death is not always the enemy.

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         1. 88

            NateB11posted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Thanks, Sondra. I appreciate your empathy and compassion. There is nothing quite like watching someone deteriorate like this.

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            1. 86

               TIMETRAVELER2posted 6 years agoin reply to this

               Believe me, I know. It's a horrible experience because you feel totally helpless and are not even able to express your love and support to the dying person because they cannot process what you are saying.

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   7. 75

      PageBeardposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Hey para sorry for your loss.  I am someone who grieves deeply from death for some reason.  I found, personally, that one of the best things for me is to simply talk about that person.  I have also learned that I like to know about people who have died so I will ask...Would you like to share a story about your dad?  Maybe something they did or something funny.  In the days of the internet, it is kind of cool to think that a memory of your dad could be posted here and live on for years.

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   8. 84

      k@riposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sorry for your loss, paradigm.  My father died 8 years ago come January.  It hurt so much more, I guess because he was my Dad.  Half of the people I know will always back me and love me are now gone.  I think I was closer to my Dad than my Mom.  Thanksgiving through January is very hard for me.  I think I just ride the waves of grief during this time.  Keeping afloat.

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   9. 92

      PegCole17posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your dear dad. No amount of time completely takes away the sting of that loss and the feelings of anger, betrayal, disbelief and sadness. I'm glad to hear that you will be able now to put into words the experience you had in dealing with all this and hope that it will help you put his memory into the light of cherished times. Time is a friend that separates us from those painful last moments and allows the fond remembrances to enter.
      
      Hugs to you.

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   10. 81

       moonlakeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

       So sorry about your dad.
       When my husband passed away I could barely get off the sofa for the first year.  At the time I didn’t realize there was more to come. My husband passed away Dec 2014, May 2015 my mother passed away., Dec 2016 my brother passed away, June 2017 my sister passed away, Sept 2017 my brother-in-law passed away and in Nov 2017 my cousin passed away. It’s been an awful 3 years.
       When I had to have surgery recently they ask if they should call my husband in an emergency. All I could say was no. I couldn’t say he had passed away. It’s hard even three years later.
       My sister-in-law had to face her first Christmas without my brother. She’s upset because she isn’t better. I told her it’s alright for her to grieve. It will take time but one day it will be better.

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   11. 92

       Jean Bakulaposted 6 years agoin reply to this

       I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It takes time to distance yourself from such pain and grief. It's been four years since my husband passed, but it is still hard. I wrote about it soon afterward, but it was too personal, and I deleted it.
       
       On Christmas Eve, I was out by my sister in law, (his sister and hubby) and a lot of the people were getting maudlin about those they lost in the past. Most were mourning parents, but many had lived to be in their late 80's or 90, and I was the only person there without a spouse, except for the "kids" (in their 20's now). My spouse died at 58. I understand loss of parents too, my Dad when I was 27 and Mom when I was 39.. I realize it doesn't matter how old the loved one you lose is, but it was getting so depressing. I was getting annoyed at them, and finally I had to be the one to say, "Stop bringing down the mood!" I wanted to scream and go into a room by myself to cry. If I wanted to be so sad and dwell on how lonely the holiday was without him, I would have stayed home. We had been together for 39 yrs. I met him when I was only a few months shy of 19.
       
       I got a drink and when I returned to the room, the host must have changed the subject, it was better. Give it time. I also want to write about useful things others can do for a person who has just lost a loved one. Many say and do things that make you feel worse. Bless you and you will begin to recall the happy memories again.

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2. 91

   Sherry Hewinsposted 6 years ago

   My dad died when I was six years old and he was only 31. He was the first of many of my loved ones to die, and I miss him still.
   
   It seems like death is a little bit easier to accept when it's expected, like when someone is very old or sick. It's still painful, but not so shocking. When death comes unexpectedly, and the person is young and healthy, it seems doubly hard for those left behind.
   
   When someone you love dies, time does make it easier to bear, but the pain never really goes away.

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3. 94

   jansharesposted 6 years ago

   This resonates with me, paradigm. It takes time for the loss of loved ones to set it before we can express it. It took about 2 years before I could write about my brother who was murdered; about 6 years before I could write about my mother. It's been 2 years since my sister's death and I still cannot write about. Hugs to you, take your time, sorry for your loss.

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4. 95

   DrMark1961posted 6 years ago

   PageBeard, that is such an excellent idea!

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5. 85

   DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago

   So very sorry for your loss, para.  I shan't offer any platitudes, as I know they don't help.
   
   I feel your pain; I lost my mother unexpectedly in 1998.  (She was only 76, which in our family is not old--we have people in our 'tree' who have lived well into their 80s.)  She was one of those who never let on much if she was feeling poorly.  If we were out shopping, she'd sometimes have to take a break and sit down a while, but it was because her feet were hurting; she'd had foot problems for years.  but she never complained about or mentioned anything else.
   
   So, when she succumbed suddenly, just one week after her doctor telling her she had jaundice, and would not be able to go on her planned trip to the east coast, I was beyond stunned.  I was in shock, and stayed in that 'just going through the motions' mode for the next 3 years.  It is only now, nearly 20 years later, that I am finally comfortable offloading her possessions without feeling I am betraying her memory.
   
   May you find peace in happy memories.

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6. 86

   Marisa Wrightposted 6 years ago

   I'm not sure the OP is really asking for sympathy on his father's death, he's talking about accepting death in general.   It's something we all struggle with.  Especially when we get old enough to realise it could happen to us any time.

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7. 59

   Kiss andTalesposted 6 years ago

   Very true and very expressive.
   Death is just about the worst helpless feeling a human can experience.
   The calls it our enemy.
   But death will be conquered by a cure from our Heavenly Father who promised he would end death.
   Also return our loved ones back very soon on a cleansed paradise earth.
   Read about it at Acts 24:15.

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